Wheeeeee.

I am about an hour from attending my last class of the semester. Thank God. I am really ready for it to be over. Now..it is time for finals. I am gaining weight and I really can't figure out why. I am doing more exercise than I typically do and my body usually does strange things when that happens, but this is really ticking me off. Aside from what the scale says, I feel huge. That is probably worse than the number.

Despite the whole weight thing, I am in a really good mood this morning. I wrote my paper for my Biomedical Research class and registered for a class for the summer. I am dressed and ready for class a full 30 minutes before I need to leave. Wow. That never happens. the sun is shining and I am driving the convertible today. I just have good feelings about today. Don't ask me why...I just do.

I still need to make my train reservations for the OPM (www.oldpremeds.org) conference in June. Last year was so much fun and there are even more of my SDN buddies going this year. I am so excited.

I think I have consumed way too much caffeine lately...I am so jittery. I hope she lets us out of class early today. I have no idea what we have left to cover, but my chem prof used every last minute of our final class yesterday so I am not putting it past the Anatomy one to do the same.

I am gonna jet. The day awaits.

Study Break

This is a time when I have absolutely no business putzing around on the 'net. I finally finished a project for First Aid that took the entire weekend and I still have 2 Chemistry assignments (due tomorrow) and a paper for Biomedical Research to write (due Tuesday). I am going stir crazy. I can't stand to sit here at my desk anymore and yesterday I spent the time lying in bed working on my laptop. It has been a gorgeous weekend for weather...obviously I didn't get to enjoy it. Oh well...it is my choice. Thankfully, there was curve on the last Anatomy lecture exam and I have a B in the class. I am waiting for the results of the last practical that we took on Thursday night. I felt really good about it until the last 10 rotations or so. I wasn't completely lost on the last 10, it was just that up until that point I hadn't had any trouble. Anyway, I am still waiting for the results. If I can pull something decent on that, I will feel much better going into the final. I am really upset about the way Anatomy has turned out for me this semester. It is the only class that I am not set up to get an A in...but it is the class that I expected to get an A in. Really bothersome. There is no reason that I shouldn't have done better in there. I know the stuff. I know it. I can make excuses all day long, but when it comes right down to it...I don't know that I can pinpoint what it actually was. Perhaps a combination of a few things, some that I had control over, others that I didn't. I will end up with a 3.7 if all goes as expected through finals. I really don't want to think about grades right now. I am getting too worked up over finals.

My desk is an absolute mess. It looks like my mind feels. I have all sorts of stuff on here...including my dinner plate since I ate while working. I know that some people preach that you should always have a clean and clutter-free desk for maximum whatever. Obviously, that is not the philosophy to which I am subscribing right now. In fact, my entire office is just a sinkhole of mess. Maybe I will try to get it cleaned up before I begin studying seriously for finals. I say "maybe" because I have set so many goals like these before and priorities always win in the end. "Clean the desk or do the homework"...which is going to get me into med school? Certainly not cleaning the desk. I am definitely more a Christina (Grey's Anatomy) than a Meredith. At least when it comes to tidiness. I am always hygienic...just not always tidy. Ok, it is more likely to find my house a mess than clean. Sad, but true. Would I like to have a housekeeper? Sure, but this is one of those things that hubby says we can do ourselves and frankly I don't trust anyone anymore.

Anyway, I am gonna post this and try to work on Chem. If I can just get this one assignment done it would be great. I would only accomplish half of the stuff that I needed to this weekend and need to get creative to get the other stuff done...but I will still feel tremendous relief with this one assignment done.

Ok. Ta-Ta For Now.

This has been a tough week for a variety of reasons. As I lie here typing this, I have ridiculously swollen eyes that caused me to not want to look in the mirror any longer. I have been really down in the dumps...whether this stage of it is depression or just a bad mood I am not certain, but I had a previously scheduled therapy session yesterday in which my doc and I took turns raising our voice to each other. I really couldn't wait to get out of there, but perhaps the fact that I didn't want to be there in the first place and I told her that didn't really set a positive tone. Either way, it is over.

I was thrilled to read this morning that the major project that I have had scheduled due this Monday is actually due NEXT Monday.

It is a gorgeous day here. Hubby was on duty last night so he is napping, but hopefully we will get some stuff done or go biking this afternoon. I am kind of anxious to tackle the trails near our house, but he is not so much of a daredevil when it comes to biking. Don't misunderstand me, I am not a daredevil by nature, but I am not all that afraid of getting hurt on a bike. Perhaps I should be.

Gee, this was a useless post.

4.16.07

This post will come as close to me revealing who I am to those who don't already know.

Campus was very quiet today. Eerily quiet. There was a somberness that was palpable. I do not attend Virginia Tech, but nearly everyone at my university knows SOMEONE who does. My best friend was at VT when the shootings occurred yesterday. As you can imagine, she is visibly shaken.

Regardless of who you are, where you were, what school you attend or your role in life at the current time, it is understandable that this affected you. It affected me. Perhaps I was being hard hearted when I thought it wouldn't. It did. I watched hour after hour of the coverage with my jaw dropped, unsure of what to say. You don't say anything at a time like that I guess.

I need to go right now, I will likely edit this later.

Circling the bowl.

I thought that perhaps the depressive episode that I was experiencing had subsided a bit, but apparently I was wrong. Unfortunately, not only am I dealing with that right now, I am having a fibro flare (I have Fibromyalgia) and anxiety (I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder also) is kicking my A$$ as well. I don't know what the worst part is. The depression is really, really rough but the anxiety makes you want to be flying off the same bridge as the depression. I just need to make it through the next 3 weeks and then I can crumble...for a LITTLE bit. I will only have 2 weeks to spare for any nervous breakdown that my body/mind is thinking about having without my permission. The end of the semester is near...very near. I am thrilled, scared and sad all in the same thought. I have had a wonderful Anatomy lab this semester and I am not anxious for that to be over, but on the other hand I am really looking forward to the class being over. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed it but I feel that we are severely limited in what we can learn without regular exposure to cadavers. I am fed up with the juvenile behavior exhibited by so many people that decide to crash the lab the week before a practical. We all spend a heck of a lot of time in there at those times, but is it REALLY necessary to break models and human bones for the sake of having fun? I think not. I had a couple of friends over today to study for a lecture exam that we have coming up on Thursday. I am seriously behind the ball on this one. Somehow, I need to pull it out by Thursday. I really don't have any doubt that it can be done, it is just a matter of if my mind will cooperate.

I have 2 doctor's appointments this week...or is it 3? Either way, I don't have time for anything outside of school until the semester is over. I know in my heart of hearts that I should also go to see my primary because another doc of mine is concerned about pancreatitis, but I DON'T HAVE TIME! It is 8:55 on Sunday night and while I could be studying, I am not. I am wallowing in self pity and self-disgust. I don't know why, but I know that whatever this is is not healthy.

Please God, help me hold up for 3 weeks.

Don Imus Fired.

I am not going to give my opinion (at least in this post) on the matter of Don Imus's comments regarding the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, suspension and eventual firing. But, I would like to know yours. Come on! Give me your opinion and what causes you to feel/think that way.


Oh... and on the school front.. I received a 100 on my most recent Biomedical Research paper. That makes a 95 and a 100. WOO HOO!

Thanks!

Falling...

Recent days have been very difficult for me. I can't get myself motivated .. for anything. Mere existence is a huge effort. I haven't dealt with depression like this in quite a while, but I appears my time has come again. Perhaps blogging about this is not exactly wise, but too many people have a sense of shame when it comes to depression and I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, I feel the same way. In fact, if I had given any indication as to who I am, I wouldn't be entering this post. Depression sucks. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and it really didn't surprise anyone. There was enough stuff to deal with that depression was pretty quick to diagnose. I really don't like, nor appreciate when someone seemingly diminishes what another is enduring when it is depression. "The blues" or feeling "down" is something completely different. I have no desire to eat, to talk, you get the picture. I have had it beaten into me by my doctor that no matter what I MUST keep moving and so here I am typing. I would rather be sleeping or staring at the wall. Staring at the wall seems to fit right now.

What I am going through doesn't fit into my friends' schedule. You see, I am supposed to be in a good mood all the time and available at their beckon call. Last night, a friend of mine called and after seeing me obviously not doing well yesterday and despite the fact that I sounded 1. half asleep and 2. horribly out of it she proceeded to begin yapping and crying about how upset she was about some friend's dad dying. This is not a friend I have ever heard of before. In fact, she didn't even hear it from the friend or a friend of the friend. She heard the news from her own mother. But, that is beside the point. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE YOU RIGHT NOW! I AM HURTING HERE AND YOU APPARENTLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S A$$ ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK WHAT IS WRONG. In all fairness, it is not like I would tell you..frankly, I wouldn't know what to say, but please don't call me when I have felt like I am hanging on the the Earth by my toenails and start in like I am in a completely solid frame of mind. I am hurting right now. I am hurting worse than I can express and apparently worse than you understand.

Completing this post has taken me several hours. I don't have anymore, but please be sympathetic if you can't be empathetic. This sucks. Good night.

The New Generation...

Over the course my education this time around, I have become acutely aware of the significant differences that exist in the students from 12 years ago to now. I am more aware of how much more students study, or maybe it was just the students that I hung out with just didn't seem to. Unfortunately, I have also been exposed to the stark entitlement issues that students now seem to have. If it isn't THEIR way, it is NO WAY. The good of the group does not compare to the good of themselves. I wish I could accurately describe this in detail, but I can't. For example, if something that a professor says (even if it IS the truth) makes you cry...that is for some reason inexcusable. What? Since when? That is life! If I hear one more girl say "he/she made me cry" or "they almost made me cry" I am going to scream. Apparently, in this new time, if you cry it increases the severity of the offense exponentially. I really do not understand this. Political correctness gone awry. I am not a big fan of political correctness. I never know what to call anyone or how to describe them. Once you figure it out it changes, not to mention it typically doesn't make any sense. I live in a very, very diverse city and my university is even more so. I enjoy diversity...usually. Except when it becomes something of a weapon. Where am I going with this? Gee, I wish I could explain that completely too. Here is the story:

Today, I had Chemistry. About 5 to 10 minutes after the class began, I noticed my instructor pause and look down the aisle and smile...quite noticeably. I know this instructor rather well and this was not a normal expression for her. Not that she doesn't smile - she does and often. But it was more like she was taken aback and then a smile emerged. I thought she was sharing an inside story with someone. Not really a joke, but a story. When I looked back, I saw a girl walking down the aisle of the lecture hall with her say, 2 year old son. They took a seat in the second row center. The kid was adorable to say the least. But, I couldn't understand why someone would walk in late with an obvious distraction and perch in the second row. When I walk into a lecture once the professor has begun speaking, I choose a seat in the back where I will not distract the rest of the class as I traipse to my normal seat. I have been in classes many times when parents were forced to bring their children for one reason or another. Sometimes I am sure it is inevitable. I admire them for the extra effort they go to to get an education. Usually the parents sit in a scarcely populated area of the room or the back and I have never encountered a significant difficulty with this. But, this woman (girl) chose neither. Most kids have been so well behaved you don't even know they are in the room. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. The kid talked and talked and when he wasn't talking the mother inexplicably kept saying "Shh. Shh." The instructor stopped 3 times to shush the child in her most pleasant voice. The mother did nothing. I sit in the front row, center...right in from of the student with the child...I could not hear what the professor was saying. Literally, it was THAT loud. I kept thinking it would stop eventually but 20 minutes later they were still going strong. I thought about leaving. I also thought about asking her to move to the back so I could hear but like I said people have entitlement issues and unfortunately react poorly when these are threatened. Frankly, I didn't want to be beaten up. (I'm serious, this is a violent city.) Eventually, the woman (my friend and a non-trad post-bacc engineering student) sitting next
to me had had enough. I was looking down at my notebook when I felt her hand fly into the air. I decided it was best to keep my head down, which I did. She apologized to the mother but explained to the instructor that she simply could not hear (even from the front row) and felt that children did not belong in this or any lecture hall. (On many syllabi at my univ, children in the classroom are specifically prohibited.) The mother said she would leave. My row mate was not rude, quite polite by my standards actually. My head was still down. Call me a wimp, I don't want to start trouble...hey, I am trying to get into med school here. After the mother and her child had left the room everyone was roaring about how rude my friend had been and how mean it was to say that. I honestly don't believe anyone realized how loud it was (CONSTANTLY) where we were sitting. I defended my friend in front of the class, but it was obvious no one agreed. That student with her child could have made better choices...like sitting in the back. I still think it would have been an audible distraction but at least I would have been able to HEAR the instructor. I am assuming that the rest of the class didn't experience the volume of those 20 minutes because they were behind her. They were not in the complaining student's position, I was, yet they were judging her as if they were. Apparently, this episode has already spread around campus (oh geez). I know this because a friend who was not in class emailed me because she had heard from someone who is NOT in the class, but heard from someone who is. OH MY. I opened my email and found this email from a student in the class. I feel was wrong. Oh, and speaking of "public announcements"...she was heard by only those present...he sent this to EVERYONE enrolled.

Subject: Chemistry: A Healthy Rant...Please Read

TO THE LADY WHO CAUSED THE SINGLE MOTHER TO LEAVE CLASS TODAY:

Lady, I don't know what your name/problem is (nor do I care) but you need to
grow a spine and get over yourself.

(For those of you not privy to whom I am speaking, it is the "older woman,"
sitting in the front of the class, who made a public announcement causing the
single mother with her child to leave class today)

Now I am going to begin this rant....

Lady, you are not the center of the universe. Where as I do understand it
becomes more difficult to learn as age progresses and the child may have been a
faint distraction, what you did today was completely uncalled for. I do not
know if you have children of your own, or what your family status is, but you
did that mother a serious disservice today, and I don't know if you know it,
but you seriously embarrassed yourself as well.

Let me begin by putting this in context, here is a woman who is admirably
trying to get a college education while also taking care of a child. (XXX University) has
basically zero services for student parents, and in attempting to do what is
necessary to further her education, she must bring her child to class. As
such, you decided it was more important for you to hear uninterruptedly (rather
than just read up on chapters of the parts you weren't clear on) and
consequently make a public announcement about how much of a distraction the
child is, causing that single mother to leave.

Completely heartless, ridiculous, immature, and uncalled for...

Not only was the content of your statement completely absurd and uncalled for,
the manner in which you pursued this was entirely childish and basically
ridiculous. If you had so much of a problem, why could you not simply turn
around and approach this mother as an adult and speak to her as a human being
asking her to resolve the situation personally. Rather, you felt it necessary
to "tattle tale and tell teacher" that the child was making it impossible to
learn, via a public announcement. Now imagine how that poor mother felt,...
embarrassed... and who knows what other emotions, and deprived of the same
education which you so obviously also value.

I am ashamed to be your colleague as a student here at (XXX University).

And if I may, TO THE SINGLE MOTHER WHO BROUGHT HER SON TO CLASS TODAY... You are more than welcomed to bring your son to class any day, furthermore, I would
be more than willing to sit with him in the back of the class if necessary, if
that is what it takes for you to come to class and learn. And I am sorry that
some people (as old as they may be) are still not mature enough to treat
situations as adults and in appropriate manners

-(XXX Student)

So, I am interested on YOUR take on the matter. Children in the second row of the classroom...should the students being disrupted leave or should the parent leave? Maybe I am wrong. Let me know what you think.

Over and out,
Dr. Underdog

First Meeting...and other junk.

Today was the first meeting of our new organization, (XXX Univ) Students for Organ Donation. We had a small turn out, but I will take those few with their enthusiasm over a mob of "whatevers" any day. I am encouraged and excited by what we can accomplish with this group. We already have a work day scheduled...NEXT WEEK!

I got my grade from my Anatomy practical... an 80. I guess that isn't horrible considering I completely forgot about the ... the... see, I can't even remember it now!! Ugh. It is on the fourth ventricle...somewhere...and responsible for the production of CSF. Aggh! Why can't I remember it? Some sort of plexus....YES! THE CHOROID PLEXUS. Geez, that was painful. Anyhow, I wrote that it was the central aqueduct. I know, I know brilliant, but hey, it was a guess.

I am really fatigued this afternoon. Not sleepy, just fatigued. The weather is gorgeous, but I always have a bit of a time adjusting to the warmer temps.

A friend of mine, a pre-nursing student, had a major breakdown this morning. I am not convinced that she was not considering suicide, but seems to be doing much better now. It was really horrible. When I finally found out where she was, I practically busted down her door to find her crying in the kitchen. She cried for hours after that. There was so little I could do. She was upset about her grades and it never helps when I get a higher grade than she does on an Anatomy exam. Thankfully, on this exam, I didn't indicate how I thought I had done (frankly, because I didn't know) but she always gets upset when I say that I think I bombed it (which I legitimately think I have) and then end up with a higher grade than she does. She is convinced that it is some horrible thing I am doing to her. I am not trying to. I am answering a question. I scored 20 points higher than her on the lecture exam and 10 points higher on the practical. The sad part is that I think in many cases she is much more prepared for the test than am I. She really shouldn't be getting the grades she is..if you took into account the hours of prep she does. Either way, she had a major breakdown which was topped off by her finding out that she scored a 70. Thankfully (so sad that THIS is the good part) a friend of ours REALLY bombed it so she could concentrate on how much worse it could have been. Somehow, I got her to go to class and the meeting which, sadly, she managed to cry through intermittently. Those days are really rough. I hope she can soon begin to see the brightness ahead. Heck, we only have a month left!

92%. That was my final grade on my last Chemistry exam and I am stoked! I did not study one iota today for ANY subject. Including the Anatomy lecture exam that I have this week, yet somehow I don't feel guilty. Tomorrow, I won't have the luxury of taking a nap. Tomorrow is do or die. I understand this. Perhaps I will go to the library. I have a home office, but I also have a bedroom just down the hall. Somehow, it doesn't work out very well. I am not crazy about libraries either. I prefer a table in a slightly noisy area of the campus...maybe the commons or the food court. I am not sure how that preference evolved, but it is. Hubby is working tomorrow so I won't feel guilty about not being with him during one of those rare weekends when he has off. There will come a time when he must grapple with the guilt of not spending time with me on a rare free day.

I am optimistic today. The rollercoaster of emotion is sickening.

Go away sun...bring in the clouds

Spring Fever is a killer. I am trying to write a paper on Ethics in Biomedical Research and I can't keep my head in the game. Terrible, absolutely terrible. Perhaps it has something to do with the gorgeous day that I am missing? I am stressed about my Anatomy practical this week. Geez! I have an exam in CPR tomorrow that I can't imagine could be very difficult, but who knows - it will be our first one in there. I haven't paid much attention to that class with the exception of 3 papers, and with the recent changes to the ARC's CPR protocol, I am a little lost. It's pretty far from rocket science, but if I don't know it by tomorrow night I am in trouble. So, I guess I should actually crack the book. This weekend has gone by WAY too fast and I am not ready to go back to class. I am SO over school, but somehow I can't bring myself to leave. Hummmm. Interesting and disturbing at the same time. I wish it would just get cold and dreary for another 6 weeks until the semester is over. This nice weather is going to be the death of me. Hubby went for a walk in the park this afternoon and has been watching basketball upstairs since we returned from church. He is in a Masters program. C'mon Dr. Underdog! There are other things that are much easier than this! I have one paper after this one left in my Biomedical Research class. Usually, I don't mind papers, but I feel like a total moron in that class. I have an A, but none the less I feel like a complete imbecile.

The Chem exam that I got an 85 on will soon be changed to a 92 due to some extra credit on Wednesday. I can't wait.

Ok, I gotta get outta here.

Not going back

Today was a rarity. Since I dropped my PreCalc class, I am finished at 11 am on Wednesdays. I came home, watched TV and took a nap! It was great. The guilt of not studying was killing me but somehow I ignored it until I become unconscious. Today was a wonderful day. We had a Chem exam...you know the one that was supposed to be a quiz??? Yesterday, I was COMPLETELY and TOTALLY lost on the material. But, after studying with a fellow non-trad (Engineering) I was ready and pulled an 85!! Woo hoo! The class average was 63 so I am quite pleased.

This whole prep process can be extremely roller-coateresqe. This morning, I was convinced that I was going to need to find another career path. This afternoon, I am a bit more optimistic. Not that an 85 is going to get me into med school, but it is not a C either. The fact of the matter is that I have been out of my former career long enough that I can't go back and, as my husband points out, I really don't want to. True. Very true. So, whether every med school (allo and osteo) in the country turns me down or not, I am not returning to my previous life. Which, in itself is amazingly relieving. Weird. I never have really considered it like that before.

Long road, short attention span.

I did not study all week during Spring Break like I told myself I would. I was busy and sick for the first 3 days and then I finally (slowly) got to it. But, WHOA! I can't keep my mind on it. Today, I started early...well, relatively early..it was still the morning and have been working ever since. The thing is that I have had to bribe myself with short breaks every 20 minutes or so to keep going. AGGH! I got a substantial amount of work done today, but geez...how frustrating. I guess tomorrow will be more of the same.

I am really not looking forward to returning to classes on Monday. I do not understand what is going on in Chem and my prof has completely lost her cool with the class. Granted, the class is horrible. This is the worst group of students that I have ever been with. Really, it is bad. But, I feel like asking a question that she feels that I should understand may just get my head bitten off. Yikes. I am trying to find a private tutor. My univ has free tutoring, but I want someone who can follow along with me as I go through the class(es) rather than going into random people and them asking "So, what don't you understand?" I have always thought that was the worst question someone could ask. If I understood enough to tell you that I don't understand it, then I wouldn't NOT understand it!! Seriously, I know that sounds stupid, but if I can go in and tell you that I am lost at concept 6, that means that somewhere along the way I fell off the wagon in concepts 1-5. I don't know where, I don't know why. You can explain that to accomplish concept 6, I must do X, Y, and Z, but if I don't understand where you are getting X,Y, and Z how to identify that I need to apply concepts 1-5, isn't that a problem that simply brings us back to the beginning? So, that is my reason for looking for a tutor rather than using univ services. I am all about going to free supplemental instruction sessions for Anatomy and such...it is very helpful, but I need more in Chem. It doesn't come naturally...it doesn't even come artificially. I am hurting here!

The NCAA tournament has kept hubby entertained this weekend and in my effort to be with him this evening, I have contorted myself into extremely unnatural positions in a recliner with my 500 pound Anatomy book...I am sure that I will be paying for that in the morning.

I keep trying to think of something that would satisfy me as much as medicine. This is, being a physician. I can't. I actually wish that I could, I would love a shorter road. But, I guess the alternative isn't meant to be and hopefully that means that I am on the right right road. It sure feels like it. WEEEEEEEEEEIRRRRRD!

Since I am doing such a darn good job putting off returning to the anatomy lab, I thought I would make my presence known here. I am on Spring Break. This has easily been the most boring Spring Break ever as it was simply filledwith things that had to get done. I have 3 huge exams when I go back to classes and I am not ready for them...hence the whole anatomy lab thing. I was there earlier and need to spend some more time staring at bones. Gee, fun. I have been sick most of the week which has been a downer, but not the end of the world. Unfortunately, I felt so bad that I was unable to study (or do anything for that matter)..so I am trying to catch up. My parents came last week... um, well...I'll talk about that another time.

I suddenly have the urge to go do dishes and rush off to the lab. LOL

Not a good day to be this student.

Today has not been a good day in the academic life of this post-bacc student. I had a Chem quiz this morning at 8 which was actually quite a bit easier than I anticipated. I spent somewhere in the vicinity of 7 hours studying yesterday for my PreCalc (yes, wussyPRECalc) exam. I knew I had to do well since I bombed the first one. I thought I was at least decently prepared. Is studied until nothing else was going in. Beyond that point, work is fruitless. Unfortunately, I got in the today and forgot everything I knew. I don't know if my test anxiety has returned or what, but this is the second time that it has happened in this class. the REALLY unfortunately part about it is that we have only had 2 exams. So, I had to do what I swore I never would...I dropped it. I am so angry. A friend of mine was doing the whole "Have you talked to your prof?" thing. About what??? If I ace the remaining tests, I still only have a shot at a high C, low B...and the chances of my acing ANYTHING in that class seem to be pretty slim (judging from the brilliance I have exhibited so far.) The class is dropped. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Now, I am concerned that checks for the pre/co reqs for Chem haven't been done and I will be booted out of there. I actually still have a more than decent chance in there!! Additionally, a bunch of trivial things have happened that just didn't make the day any better.

This is a lot of work and I am so disappointed in myself. :(


EDIT:
Actually, this is not as much of an "edit" as it is an addendum. Hubby and I went grocery shopping and I came into my office to putz around a bit before jumping into Anatomy. I checked Blackboard for any updates on my grades. Um...yeah...the day just got significantly better!

I turned in a major paper in Biomedical Research (which sounds more impressive than it really is) and the grades were finally posted...the class average was 83.71. I got a 95!! Couple that with the 98 I got on my major paper in First Aid/CPR (my fluff classes are so much work!) and I am a happy camper.

As I mentioned above,we took a Chem quiz this morning. The average was a 10.42/20. Ugh. I got a 14. While it is not great, I am thrilled that I scored so much higher than the average...especially since I spent all of my time studying for that stupid PreCalc exam that defeated me today. Don't misunderstand me, I am not gauging accomplishment based upon my classmates, but it is a good benchmark by which to judge the "difficulty" of the material and how well I am understanding it. When you have 200 other people that have listened to the same lectures taking the same quiz, their score are not inconsequential.

Either way, today just got better! Whew!

Not complaining..

Today was fine. Humanities Chem class and then Anatomy. Nothing to write home about. We were offered extra credit in anatomy that, of course, I will be taking advantage of. I had a massage after classes were over for the day and I have been sitting at my desk studying since then. I have a uber-important exam tomorrow in PreCalc. I hate to say that it is uber important because all that does is freak me out, but really, it is. I need to at least get a B on it, but my confidence is severely lacking. I always end up flipping my pencil around like I know what I am doing (because somehow I think if I am writing, I must know what is going on - LOL) but always end up getting it back to reveal that I was sadly mistaken. I really don't want that to happen tomorrow. I also need to study for a chemistry quiz that I have at 8am and at some point find time to send out a mass email to the organization that I lead. But, for now, I need ot go pick up hubby at the hospital.

TTYL.

Short Post (can you blame me?

It is an absolutely gorgeous day here. I put aside studying for the day (I know, I know), dropped the top on the convertible and BAM! instant vacation. So what that we were catching up on trips to Lowe's and the grocery store. Does it matter that the highlight of the day shopping day was buying apples on sale for $0.98/lb? Not to me. I am so grateful to have today with my hubby, without a week from hell ahead of me. This week is rather slow. I have a PreCalc Exam on Wednesday (which is the big thing for the week), a quiz in Chem, a quiz in HUMS Chem, topped off by a quiz in Anatomy Lab on Thursday night.

Why am I wasting my time posting on here? See ya!

I can't think of a title.

I am unnaturally tired. I fall asleep like a narcoleptic. I am actually a bit concerned. I know I am having a fibro flare, but the whole exhaustion thing seems to be hitting me a bit harder than usual. Weird.

I finally was able to take my blood sugar during one of those episodes (sort of) that I have had in the past 8 months or so. It wasn't close to the worst one I have had, so I hesitate saying that it was representative of the norm, but it was as close I have gotten. So..my level was an 82 and I had already put away a sandwich, a carton of blackberries, and a few chips in an effort to bring it up. To me, that seemed low...especially after all of that food! Wow! I know that the whole shaking thing wasn't helped by the fact that my consumption of caffeine has been higher than normal in recent days. I am really looking forward to spring break (week after next) so that I can recoup from school. I think the time off will do me good. I mean, REALLY...who wouldn't benefit from a week off? I would like to think that I would be able to rest and that would be about it, but actually I am looking forward to having the extra time to study. My former self would be shocked to see those words come come from my fingertips, but it is true. I really need the extra time to study for a lab practical in Anatomy that I have the week after we return, and a Chem exam the Wednesday that we go back. It will be a good opportunity to get 2 outstanding grades.

We went to go see Patch Adams speak last night. Well, I will write about that another time...

On a totally random note (another one)...there is nothing better than a puppy (no matter how old) to make you forget your stress.

I have not studied nearly enough in the last few days. I have been extremely tired. Yesterday, I was falling asleep at school ever chance I got. It didn't matter if I was sitting in a chair in the hallway or in the front row of my math class. Ugh.I think I looked kinda stoned during Chem lecture at 10:30. My late afternoon class ended early...like 2 HOURS early...so I was able to come home. I was going to make tofu stir fry for dinner when hubby said he wasn't in the mood for tofu and suggested ordering in. I guess that was all it took for my body to start shutting down. I was so tired we literally ate dinner in bed and I fell asleep. I woke up long enough to take some meds and have a bowl of ice cream (oh great...I was really burning those calories) before brushing and going back to sleep for the night. Not one ounce of studying was accomplished. Thankfully, I don't have any exams this week, only quizzes - 3 of them. I attempted to look over some math before class yesterday, but fell asleep in the middle of it. I need desperately to study Anatomy since I haven't gotten any good studying in since the lecture exam. My big academic accomplishment this weekend was the writing of a paper for my First Aid/ CPR class on epiglottitis. Why is it that every fluff class I choose ends up taking up so much time????? I have already written 3 papers for this class and we still have like 5 projects to go. Crazy. Anyway, I have a very high A (my univ doesn't give +/-) so I am not worried.

I have been rather stressed in recent days. I think it is actually personal. So, I really need to ignore it. A younger friend of mine is very used to getting her way and throws a fit when that is not the case. Pouting is her methodology and I am not impressed. Currently, she is not getting what she wants out of me and I am not moved by her moodiness, nonetheless it seems to have some sort of affect on me - more stress than anything. I have always said that school is first priority and I didn't come back to make friends. I adore this girl, but getting through the pouting and complaining spells are exhausting. She is constantly complaining about her roommate and her apartment management. But, what she is complaining about is just normal stuff. I actually tend to feel bad for the roommate. Terrible, I know. I shouldn't be going off on this, so I will close here, but man I have a headache!! LOL.

TTFN.

My computer is running so slowly...I wonder why. Oh well. Classes for the week are over and as soon as I get this online homework done I can take a short breather. A friend of mine is coming over tomorrow to help me make some sense out of this mess I call our home. Don't get me wrong, she is not coming over to clean, but to sort through the literal MOUNDS of clothes that need to go to Goodwill, Salvation Army or in the back of my car to hand out on the street. They just need to get out of this house. She knows how long I have been procrastinating and is in shock every time she encounters another pile. These are not minor piles. For example, the one in our basement is about 5' x 6' and a few feet tall. That is not small, nor is it all of our clothes. It is really a horribly wasteful habit. I wear an estimated 5 -10% of my total clothing. That is terrible. There are many things that I have bought and never worn. I really need to stop this. First of all, it is a total and complete waste of money. Not to mention that someone could be getting good use out this clothing. I live in a city where 80% of the population is at or below the poverty line. That number came as a shock to me when I heard it, but it really shouldn't have. Terrible. Simply terrible. AND..HERE I AM WITH ALL THIS SURPLUS. Ugh. If that doesn't riddle me with guilt. Can you tell that I grew up Catholic? Of course, it doesn't take a traumatic Catholic childhood ;0) to recognize an overt act of social irresponsibility when you see it.

Ok, I can berate myself offline. LOL.

My dream med school (about an hour away) is hosting an open house in a few weeks. I am really looking forward to it. I have come to the conclusion that I will be doing an SMP (Special Masters Program) after my undergraduate post-bacc work is done. Most likely, it will be done in Anatomy which I am really excited about. I can't imagine adding 1-2 more years to the many years of formal education still ahead of me, but I am sure it will be the way that I have to go, so I don't see a purpose in waiting to see if I am denied a spot in my first year of application. Besides, I want to increase my chances of getting into 1. my dream med school or 2. the med school that is 3 miles from our newly purchased home. I would really like to be able to sleep with my husband at night, even if that is the only time I get to spend with him.

Over and out for now.

We all get old...

I just had one of those experiences that makes you realize that life is finite. Strange, perhaps. I was sitting in a favorite comfy chair in the corner of a hallway doing some research for a paper that is due tomorrow. A faculty meeting let out down the hall and, sporadically, professors were returning to their offices. I looked up as a figure passed me only to see a Nobel Prize winning chemist that I have never met walk by. He obviously didn't see me. in my perch tucked in the corner behind a giant, empty nitrogen tank. I was in awe. I had read about this man, truly brilliant in my opinion and I wanted to meet him. As my muscles readied themselves to pick my laptop up and place it on a nearby desk, Dr. Nobel Prize Winner let out a long string of....well....gas. I was caught off guard completely. I mean, we all do it (don't lie) and that was not the point. But this was one of those flatulence attacks known as the "old people's fart." Impressive in its own way. I was so startled that I didn't know whether to giggle or quickly fan away any remnant of the act that hung in the air before his younger colleagues reached our position. I didn't do either. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to meet him. But, by that time, I was afraid that he would realize that I witnessed what he obviously meant for an empty hallway and become embarrassed. So, I didn't. Gee, I hope the opportunity comes along again. Perhaps when he hasn't just come from a University catered lunch meeting.

Cadavers ROCK!

I was nervous going into the week as you might have gathered from the previous post. I actually said that if I didn't make it through the cadavers that I was going to leave school. After all, I have enough uphill battles to win along this journey. But, the cadavers were awesome! The second day, I didn't sit in the back because of fear, but because I could actually see more than those people in the front row due to the upward slope of the room. LOTS and LOTS of people left the class. I loved it. It was calming. I know that sounds amazingly odd. But, it really was. I was comfortable. I will likely never eat meat again, but I was so comfortable. I explored, I played, I took advantage of the opportunity. It was fantastic.

Thanks for the supportive comments y'all. I really appreciate them. I am so grateful for this week.

Breakdown

I don't know that I can do this. I am beyond having serious doubts and am considering what withdrawing will do to my chances of getting into grad school in some other field. I hit the wall last night, but not in the traditional sense. I suddenly became overwhelmed. I was studying what I later found out was an outdated Anatomy chart (how can an anatomical chart be "outdated" if it was done anytime in the latter part of the 20th century?) and I kept naming the deep rotator muscles of the lower limb incorrectly. It wasn't that I kept naming them wrong, but that I couldn't understand WHY! I don't have a problem with stuff typically. Everyone else seemed to have it together. We have our first practical on Thursday. So, I calmly packed up my stuff and left. My friend who was studying with me clued into the fact that something was wrong and asked me if I was ok. I said "yes" and left the room. I was angry, I was scared, I was feeling emotions that I had never felt before. I took off my glasses and crushed them. I presume that she followed me into the hallway as I left the building since she called my husband telling him what had happened and that she had one of my lenses. I broke. For the first time this semester I broke...badly. Today (Tuesday) we are first exposed to the cadavers, maybe I was frightened by that. I know that as I sit here, I am pretty terrified. I am planning to abandon my first row seat to take one in the back for the week. I know, I am a wimp. I should be up there wanting to see everything as closely as possible. But, I am scared. There is no emotional attachment to these people, just sheer fright. Part of me is extremely excited about the opportunity to move toward the goal, to have the chance to see inside the human body. But, the other half of me is petrified - not of what I will see, but how I will react. Will I vomit? Will I faint? (Please God, don't let me faint.) How will those around me react?

I know that these are not thoughts consistent with those of a future doctor and that is why I am reconsidering whether I have what it takes to become one. I have to be very careful though. I know that giving up would throw me into a deep depression without any goal to bring me out of it. Today will tell me a lot. Can I do it? SHOULD I continue? Is this going to be a waste of money for which there will be no return? Why do I want this so badly?

Getting older

Getting older is rough. I know 32 is really nothing in the grand scheme of things, but life isn't the way it used to be. That is good and that is bad. Would I like to have an additional 10 years to accomplish what I have set out to do? Of course. Would I be willing to forfeit what I learned in those 10 years? No. Something happened this week. People started looking at me as an adult. Not an adult student, but an adult. That kind of freaked me out. At the same time they began to show more respect, there was a tone of pity as well. Hum...

Maybe it was the new way I am wearing my make up. Maybe I said fewer childish things this week. I don't know the reason. But, I was settling into feeling like a fish in the undergrad sea and frankly enjoying it. Now, I am a fish out of water to those who look at me.

To anyone who says their 30 year old body works as well as it did at 20 is living in a dream world. There are subtle differences. The aches, the decrease in flexibility... the way you look at things and immediately consider how "responsible" it is or what the long term ramifications will be. When you undertake a task such as this you feel a rush of (whatever) that makes you think you can do everything without regard to time. But, the truth is that I am 10 years behind the others. I will not be able practice as long as they will (perhaps) and I will always be competing using a body that is 10 years their senior. The upside to that is that I will always be competing with a brain that 10 years more mature and experienced.

I don't know what I think about it all. I am not stopping (that is not an option), but I don't know how I feel. Weird.

Techno Train..wait for me!

I should be studying Anatomy right now. I only ended up having about 30 mins of class today. Tuesdays are my light days anyway. Couple that with the fact that one of my lectures was cancelled and we had a quiz and leave session in my other class...it makes for a pretty easy day. I came home today to have lunch (something I normally don't do) and need to be back on campus for a meeting about the new chapter of Students for Organ Donation that I am heading up. I am sitting here with my Netter's cards in front of me. I can't almost hear them calling "Study the muscles of the lower limbs." But I ignore well. I am strong that way. LOL. I need to read another chapter tonight and prep for a quiz in PreCalc tomorrow. It is funny, I think that the hardest part about returning to school is the technology and how it is integrated into the instruction. I like to think that I am technologically savvy, but sometimes I fall flat on my face. My math class is less about math and more about how to find the answer on the TI-8o something. Don't misunderstand me, we used graphing calcs my first time around. It is just that the emphasis was placed on US doing the work and the calculator just being a sort of illustrative tool. This time, if you don't use the resources available, you will be hard pressed to complete the assignment/exam in a timely manner.

Ok, gotta jet, Netter is getting a little too deafening.

TTFN.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. It has been an incredible 2 days. This is probably one of the best times in my life...with everything that is going on. How could I ask for more? Anyway, I am now officially 32 years old. Wow.

I bought a new backpack yesterday. I got hooked on sling bags when my friend gave me one that she had back in October. It is such a great bag, but not enough (nor large enough) pockets for all my smaller necessary items. So, I bought a JanSport Air Cisco. It looks like this:
I am sorry to have to retire the other one so soon, but I am an uber-geek with way too many rings of flashcards, a digital recorder, Pocket PC, CPS clicker and a calculator...not to mention books. Hint: the best way to make sure your flash cards don't get bent or ripped in your bag of stuff? Ziploc Bags. I take a gallon sized Ziploc and toss all of my different rings of cards in there - no extra space taken up in the backpack and no missing cards when you go to study.

Time Lapse:
Saturday was a magnificent day. Other than the fact that I backed into my friend's car, I don't think I could have asked for more. I am so blessed.

Second week.

I must say that I am rather pleased with how things are going in Anatomy so far. I feel really bad for a friend of mine who is completely lost. I am trying to help as much as I can...as I type this, I have labels written all over my body from an evening of studying. I think more people are in the boat with her than are in the one with me...which is sad. Thankfully, the chapter on Embryology is not being taken seriously by my prof. She told us to read it if we needed help getting to sleep. HA! I had already trudged through it so the pain was fully experienced, but it was nice to know that I was not going to be held super accountable for the boredom I had endured and likely not retained. :)

It is cold here. Thankfully, during the day it hasn't been all that bad...perhaps in the 40s, but at night ---- BRRRRR! Hubby and I have been trying to eat better. I lost 6 pounds this week!!! Of course, I know that won't happen from here on out, but it was a nice jump start. Unfortunately (sort of) my birthday is Saturday and there is some sort of surprised planned...all I know is that I am to be ready to be taken (or picked up or teleported or something) somewhere by noon. We will wait and find out. Everyone knows I LOVE cake. I mean, it is wrong to love cake as much as I do, so undoubtedly there will be cake. And...I will partake of the cake! YUM! I wish I could say "You only turn 32 once" like it was some sort of legitimate milestone worthy of breaking a diet, but it is not. Yet, I will eat cake anyway.

I bought my lab coat for Anatomy yesterday. The arms are so long! Aggh! If it were a "real" white coat...you know the kind that I will be wearing sometime in the future, I would care. But, this is just not to get cadaver juice on me.

As far as my other classes...
First Aid/CPR is fine...it will be an A. More work than I wanted, but really the hardest part about the class is the long hike I have 10 minutes to make in order to get there on time.
Biomedical Research is confusing as heck, but it will be a difficult class to get less than an A in for anyone (straight from the prof's mouth). All we have to do is show up and write a few papers on some sort of derivation of one of the speakers' lectures.
Gen Chem is wonderful so far. I love my prof. I knew I would and I am thrilled that I made the decision to suck it up and take it even with the horrible scheduling.
PreCalc - What can I say? Math is not my thing. I just want to get through with at least a B.
HUMS Chem - A. Done. Nothing to say. Show up, do the work...don't tick anyone off.

Dang! I am taking something else but can't remember what it is!!! How terrible is that? Frankly, I am just to zoned to figure it out right now. LOL.

Well, I guess I should try to wash all of this marker off of me and read a bit of Anatomy before bed. Gee, nothing better. Seriously, I love that class.

Ok, outta here! Have a good one!

The first week of classes is over. We didn't have labs this week, so I really haven't been to all of my classes. My Anatomy class looks to be SUPER interesting but a lot of work and my Gen Chem class is going to be great!

I went to the doctor today. Long story short, there is speculation that I may be having petit mal seizures but not showing them completely due to some medication that I am on for another condition. Hum. I am not happy about this. I am NOT AT ALL happy about this, but it really isn't a big shock either. I need to make an appointment with a neurologist here and see what is going on. Geez. Fun.

A friend of my family had gamma ray surg this morning. She was in remission for breast cancer for 3 years, but it looks like it has spread.

Gee, what more can I say?

First Day Back

Classes resumed today. I am in for quite a semester. This will be the semester that determines whether or not I can actually do it. Anatomy alone....WHOA. Not to mention, the professor couldn't be less "entertaining"...a very nice lady, very grandmotherly...with a great love for the word "People."

"I tell you something people..."
"You know people...."
"People, you have to..."

I think I am going to enjoy it though. We will have 2 cadavers in lecture this semester instead of moving one from lab to lab. That will be interesting. Now, how many "people" are going to puke and how many are going to faint? I hope and pray that I am not one of those.

Unfortunately, Blackboard is not functioning correctly for me and I am unable to access the class notes and notices. This is not good. Apparently, I am one of the only ones. I emailed her to see what the heck is going on.

I need to go buy colored pencils (reminds me of 4th grade Social Studies) and a one subject notebook for one of my Chem classes. They are very picky about that. It must be a one subject dedicated notebook. Um...ok. Thankfully, I have already determined what we are having for dinner and it won't take very long to make. I did not sleep well at all last night and would like to take a nap. The thought of taking a nap makes me feel guilty and that is why I have spent the last hour avoiding it. But, I don't think I am going to quit feeling this way nor quit thinking about it until I snooze. So, off to crash I go.

Night for now PEOPLE! ;)

-Dr. Underdog

I am pleased to report that my university now has its first (at least those in the know told me there hadn't been one before) Students for Organ Donation advocacy organization. I registered us last night and everyone involved is really excited. I was greeted with one little (ok, big piece) of info that didn't sit well with me and required some changes...our secondary officer is (was) not a registered organ donor. She wondered why I came unglued (her words: "Why is it such a big deal?") when I found out. We had a little chat about 1. hypocrisy and 2. the reasons why she wasn't a donor. After all, SHE was the very kind of person that this organization was created to reach! So, I found out why...she didn't want to be "cut up" and "have scars". Um...are you SERIOUS!? But, here is the kicker...she said she guess it didn't matter since she was going to be cremated. UH...YA THINK??? She was surprised to find out that a single donor can save up to 7 lives and that 92,000 people are currently on the transplant list, then I gave her statistics regarding how many transplants have been performed in our state. By that point, I thought I was getting through to her. She then asked with a solemn look on her face, "How many people will die waiting for a transplant?" I said "most."

She is now an organ donor.

SWEET!

If you are not a donor, please become one today! No one is going to kill you for your organs, but someone could die if you don't give them.

After thinking that gamers were geeks (gee, I am one to talk) and giving my friend a horrible time about being a WoW (World of Warcraft) junkie, I actually bought a game. I considered a Wii game console, but decided against it. Really, all I wanted it for was to play tennis anyway. So, I opted for a PC based game....Flight Simulator X Deluxe.

Frankly, I am not sure what makes it so "deluxe" except that you can play online which apparently you couldn't do with the previous editions. It is actually pretty cool. I am hoping it has some sort of positive, real-life, psychological impact on me. You know, perhaps make me a little less fearful of flying? I know, I know, I am grasping at straws but I am desperate. So, I try. So far, I have managed to get myself super dizzy and on the verge of puking. Let's just say that I think my strategy may be backfiring on me. I have crashed every time I have gone up in a glider, but I can "fly" the DC-3 pretty well. That is if you don't count the number of times I have to circle the airport to land and the fact that I rarely actually land on a runway. But, none the less...

This break has been extremely relaxing. I have done a bunch of nothing (Ahhhh!) but I have stressed about what I need to get done. Today I will begin studying Chemistry or perhaps I should say REVIEWING Chem. I need to have a better handle on it than I do currently. I also need to go to the grocery store and wait for the roofer who will be here about noon to give an estimate. (Hubby swears that he told me this since he wouldn't be here, but my enthusiasm does not lie with a new garage roof so I forgot.) Anyway, at some point today I will get it all done. I am currently doing laundry and the kitchen is next. Of course, I need to figure out something to eat for breakfast since it is nearly lunchtime.

I keep staring at my schedule for this semester. I don't know if it is a good one or not. I don't know if I am being prudent or just overzealous. I am still waiting to find out what I can do about my Chem Lab. If I don't get it, I think I MAY (a big MAY) take the Human Bio Lab that I didn't take last term. Who knows. I am so confused as to what will count as my Bio requirements for med school that my head is spinning. This really shouldn't be such a difficult thing, but I am sure I am not making it any easier with my highly Type A personality.

Ok, that is it.

Christmas

Ten days into the break between semesters. Ahh. Next semester scares me for a variety of reasons. I need to do well. I need to do better than I did this semester, but with less time and more classes. Yikes. Anyway, I am trying to put the stress out of my mind for another 3 weeks. I need to hit the Chem and Anatomy books before returning to maximize my chances of not falling behind.

This has been an emotional holiday season. This was the first year that my husband and I actually "celebrated" to any extent. Three years of taking care of his chronically, then terminally ill mother followed by one year of not caring about anything (I wanted to, but it was impossible) puts one in a confusing position. But this was the year that we were going to get into the groove. Start our own traditions (perhaps a combinations of each other's from years passed) and begin again. So, we began with the tree. We bought a real Christmas tree since both of us grew up with artificial ones. It is a gorgeous 9.5 footer that our dogs love to sit at the foot of for hours on end. We stuffed stockings and gave gifts. We went to church (ok, so that part never died) on Christmas Eve. Growing up in Texas, my family always had the tradition of eating tamales and chili on Christmas Eve after church. So, I found this place in town that sells tamales, bought some and made veggie chili. It was good. Unfortunately, the tamales were Peruvian style and not Mexican so there were big hunks of meat in the center instead of the shreds that I prefer. But, that was ok...my favorite part is the corn (masa) anyway and that was REALLY good. My husband's family had a tradition of eating oyster stew for breakfast on Christmas morning. The idea just grosses me out, so I should have known that the actual consumption would do worse. I tried. It was completely disgusting. I seriously did not make it through one spoonful. I thought I was going to puke. But, there he was..happy as a clam slurping his oyster stew. Eww. Since it was just the two of us, I made roasted cornish game hens, cranberry relish, rolls (ok, I bought those), green beans, and stuffing. I was pleased with the way everything turned out. My in-laws are both gone, so I can only imagine how difficult the day actually was for my husband. Holidays are always confusing for me. I never know quite what to say to him. I always ask how he is feeling and try to give him the opening to talk if he wants, but he never seems to want to so I let it go. Our mothers have the same birthday. December 26th. So, that is a double doozie for him.

I think I wrote sometime back about how my mom and I are pretty estranged and then how she recently wrote me a letter apologizing for many things. I had said that I would address the letter after finals. So, I did. But, then she called. I ended up telling her what I wanted to on the phone. She didn't interrupt. She didn't disagree. I would REALLY like to think that she has changed. We spoke several times in a few days and I even considered going down there since I don't have to be back in class for another 3 weeks. But, I don't fly. I am very upset about it and REALLY want to get over it but it just isn't happening right now. So, I was going to take the train. Until I recalculated how long it would take. Yikes! I think I that I will invite them to come up here at some point, maybe during Spring Break. But, it just isn't happening in the next 3 weeks.

Well, enough for now.

GRADES....IN!

I am a religious person. Not merely "spiritual." I believe in Jesus Christ and I practice my faith. Why is this important in this post? Because all I can say is THANK YOU GOD! YOU ARE AWESOME!

I went shopping today (it kept me from checking every 3 minutes to see if grades had been posted). When I got home...the first place went was to my office to check on Chem and Human Bio. I was greeted by this email:

Dr. Underdog,

The TA's are posting the final grades for my CHEM class on Blackboard on today. Your final average was a 77.64 and you will see a "C" grade posted on Blackboard. However, in consideration of your hard work, time missed from illness, and in (hoping) to give you that extra boost for you to do EVEN better in [next sequential Chem] furthering your Med School aspirations, I thought you deserved the "B" grade.

This will (should) be the grade that will show on your transcript/eeservices. If it does not, hold on to this email, and send it back, in case a correction is needed.

Have a Blessed and Restful Christmas.

Sincerely,
Doc Underdog's Chem Prof

(ok, so this isn't me...but it might as well have been)

I spoke poorly about this prof, I questioned her ability to teach, even her mental health...and this is how she treats me. I deserve to be shot. I have never been given 2.5 points in my life and I never expected from her. Was my mind changed about her today? Certainly about her personally, but I will still do everything in my power to never take another class taught by her.

The only grade still outstanding was Human Bio. I knew I had done wonderfully on all material...except evolution. I tried, but dang...it was so "history oriented" and history is rough for me. My grade came back. Evolution slaughtered me on the final and I ended up with a B in the course.

Anyway, my GPA was 3.14 for the semester. I can't say that I am too disappointed as this is my first semester back as a full-time student and I didn't do too well the first time around. At one point in the semester, I thought that 2 C's were a possibility. I am ecstatic! GOD, YOU RAWK!

Chemistry Final Exam Grade...incoming!

What I hate most about this is not the work. It is the degree to which this matters to me. I met with my Chem prof 2 weeks ago. She is not a woman who is exactly straight in the head, but none the less..I must respect the title. So, I do. I needed an 80 on my final to end up with a B in the course. I just checked my grade. I got a 78. While I don't feel that this is over, I feel completely defeated. I didn't want to have to fight grading errors that she wouldn't address earlier in the semester, but now I have to in order to get the grade that I deserve. I want to roll up into a ball, find a dark corner somewhere and cry until I am out of tears. I know to many this will seem a bit extreme, but I don't feel that it is. A 78 puts me less than one percentage point from a B. Maybe even less than .5% in which case I would hope that she would round up instead of down. Frankly, any professor that awards a 79 when a 79.5 (or 79.1 for that matter) is earned is actually TAKING POINTS AWAY from a student and I don't believe that is fair either. But, in the case of a 79.5 or higher, there should be no question. I really don't want to have to fight this. It won't end up being pretty and I will simply end up making a bad name for myself. But, I can't afford not to fight it.

For now, I am going to go back to my corner and pout.

I hope I never learn to look beyond the person to the symptoms alone. Distance myself to create a healthy environment for myself and my patient? Yes, but I never want to lose sight of the person. I was sitting with my mentor yesterday afternoon. We had not seen each other in a little over a month and we were typing up some loose ends when she said "I'm sorry, that is my fault Dr. Underdog. Something happened...something pretty bad...as in I could have not been here...that has consumed my life for the last month." I looked at her with a concerned look as it seemed that she wanted to tell me more...and I wanted to hear it. I asked (obviously). I had noticed that her car was not in there when I had driven up earlier, but thought little of it. She then told me (with a nervous laugh every once in awhile) about how she had been driving on a major road near where I used to live and had been t-boned. Unfortunately, that was just the beginning. Her car was sent airborne and flipped twice. When she landed, moved backwards destroying a retaining wall and bringing her to a halt between 2 buildings. The airbags had not deployed as the sensors in the front bumper had not been activated. Upon hearing this story (with my hand covering my gaping mouth and eyes wide), I hugged her telling her what she meant to me. After all, had it not been for this person I would not be on the road that I am. She is strength and a reminder that I can do it. But, most of all, I see strength. I see a woman committed to the patients that she serves and unwavering in their care. I have rarely seen her emotional, but it was obvious that she was shaken. She had been dealing with her injuries for the last month and was just returning to work.

My point? People are not always what they seem. I always want to ask the next question...even at the risk of seeming intrusive. I want to look past the surface of the hardest of people and see something more. When I was involved in a very bad car accident (nowhere close to what she had experienced) about 8 months ago, I became acutely aware of the speed at which things can end. The sound of crushing metal was just beginning to leave me long enough to find peace. I have been witness to accidents through which people should not have lived. These experiences leave a mark. They burn a memory that is not peaceful. It causes nightmares and changes the way you think...the way you look at things, people...the way you live. These are the kind of experiences that can break the hardest of individuals.

I never want to put such a distance between myself and another that it takes another experience like the one I walked away from 8 months ago or the one that my mentor experienced recently to make me realize where my mind should be. I felt that happen to me and I watched as it happened to her.

I don't want to be stereotypical, I don't want to be judgemental and most of all, I don't want to be distant.

One more!

I have taken all of my finals...except one. Human Bio --- tomorrow at 1pm. Tonight I have a study group... in about an hour. I have so far, I have accumulated 1 A and 2 Bs for the semester. I am waiting on that 80 on my Chem final to make it 3 Bs. I need an 89 on my Human Bio final to get an A in that class. So, we will have to see. I am cautiously optimistic. I wasn't as worried going into my Chem exam as I am going into my Human Bio exam. I really want that A!! I did pretty poorly on my 2 finals yesterday...a 65.75% in Math and a 72% in Nutrition. But, both were enough for Bs in the class. I was not in line for an A either way, so I am satisfied. Gosh, I am just waiting for the return in Chem. I have been checking Blackboard about every hour (if not more) and I have a friend (also a classmate) on high alert with phone in hand at the first sight of her grade. So, it won't be there long before I know about it!

Finals...that's all folks!

I am having a lot of trouble getting motivated to study for finals. You would think that good grades would be enough, but apparently not. Of course, I am being told that I am concentrating TOO MUCH on my grades. Um..ok...WTF? Anyway, I met with my Chem prof on Friday. Chem is the bane of my existence this semester and I thought that a C was my highest hope. Apparently not. She worked up my grades and if I pull an 80 on the final I have a B. WOO HOO. Please, Please, Please God! I just hope that I have retained more than my grades have shown thus far. I know, back to the whole grade thing.

I have done ZERO studying all weekend. I was in bed most of today. I sustained a couple of back injuries about 10-15 years ago and every once in a while my back likes to make me aware that it can wreck my life. Usually, I just deal. I move through it. But, it got to the point last night that standing was not an option. So, I have been in bed all day. Lazy, Lazy, Lazy. Sort of. But, I really don't want to get to the point where I can't walk...especially this week. I am looking forward to finals being over, but I am really looking forward to doing well on them. Thankfully, I get both of my Chem classes out of the way on Monday and don't have to think about them again. Tuesday is Math and Nutrition (more difficult than it sounds) which will result in 2 Bs for the semester and Thursday is Human Biology...which could go down as an A or a B depending upon the final. If I make an A on the final, I get an A...If I get anything lower, I get a B. So... my study group is on Tuesday night which leaves me Wednesday to review before Thursday. So, if everything goes well, I will end up with 2 As and 3 Bs. I guess that is "well."

I am registered for my classes next semester. The schedule?
Human Anatomy
Anatomy Lab
Chemistry
Chem Lab
HUMS Chem
Safety & First Aid (don't laugh..it includes some certifications that I want)
Math

My schedule is not nearly as cushy as it was this term. I have 8am classes 2x/week and a night class as well. Not to mention, in order to get this particular professor for Chem I had to enroll in a MWF class which means I no longer have my Fridays free - a luxury that I have enjoyed this semester. But, after such a horrible experience with Chem this term, I won't settle for anyone less. I had this professor for HUMS Chem this term and now I will have her for HUMS Chem and Gen Chem. AWESOME!

I am gonna scram for now. To all of you who have finals coming up...GOOD LUCK!

TTFN!

Started Dec. 1...
I finally did the plastic surgeon shadowing that has been in the works for something like 8 months. I will be going back, but yesterday was my first installment. It was great. A few highlights:
-A man who had had lipo done by an ObGyn-
WOW. Needless to say, he has had severe complications. The gentleman is now on dialysis, has a huge hole in the skin of his abdomen which is exposing the muscle and the skin on his scrotum fell off. The first question I had (obviously not to the pt) was "What the heck was an obgyn (why wont Blogger allow me to use certain punctuation???) doing performing liposuction?" This poor man has obviously been through a lot. Whatever $$$ he saved going to this back alley doc is being far exceeded by what he is having to shell out now to stay alive.

(MAJOR TIME LAPSE...it is now Dec. 7th.)
Attempting to complete this post as if no time had passed would be stupid. But, suffice it to say that last Friday was a super kick @$$ day and it provided a much needed shot of motivation to get me through finals. I can't wait until those are over! I will expound more upon that later..but for now I am going to cuddle up in bed. We just got home from an extra credit Science and Faith Seminar. It was supposed to be on the efficacy of intercessory prayer in relation to health and healing, but neither party held their ground. The scientist who was arguing the "anti-proof" side turned out to gush his faith while the theologian tried to argue the opposite side to take up the slack...ugh. Very disappointing. I am glad I got extra credit for going because I gained nothing from it personally.

Studying on tap for the weekend.

Loooooong Weekend!

With every passing day, I am amazed at the stress I will endure in pursuit of medicine. I may just have an easy life, but I have never pushed myself so hard on a constant basis. I have been more successful a things without trying as hard. Sports for one. I always acted like I put in the extra effort, but in reality it was a joke. I loved it and I had natural ability. I don't have a lot of natural ability when it comes to school and none of it comes easily. Consequently, everything requires extra effort.

I had 3 exams yesterday and 2 major assignments due at midnight. The day flew by. I was too busy rushing from one exam to the other that I didn't have time to be stressed nor realize my anxiety. When the day was over, I just smiled. The exams had gone well...we will find out just how well next week and I felt good. I hit a wall when it came to the assignments though. One was completely on material that had been taught last week and I, of course, was sick all week. So, I took a big hit on that grade. But, my homework average is somewhere around 97-98% so I am not too concerned. Thankfully, the other assignment was extended until Friday at 11pm. I don't think I will know how to complete it anymore by then than I did last night, so I am just trying to put it out of my mind for now. There is a ton of studying that I need to get done in the next couple of weeks. Finals begin the 9th of Dec. So...we'll see if I can maintain my good grades and pull up those that aren't so hot. Either way, I am proud of the effort I have put forth this semester. I hope to outdo myself next semester.

BTW...the title...we are out for Thanksgiving.

Back in the Swing...sort of

I am back in the swing of things...somewhat. I am studying and retaining which hasn't been accomplished in days. So, I have a lot to make up for. Human Bio down. Next up will be Nutrition. I don't have either one of those exams on Monday (thankfully) but there is no way I am waiting until the night before to cram. After this illness, which has lasted longer than I would have liked (I know - whine, whine) I am feeling refreshed and ready to hit the next 4 weeks hard! I have an advising appointment on Monday morning...for what reason?? I have no idea. I already know what I need to take since it all just one big sequence that has been laid out for me since before I began. But, it doesn't hurt to get face time with the guy. I am still afraid of blowing it for the semester and getting less than a 3.0. Which would not be good. But, I really need to put that out of my mind until it actually happens. I think the class that really worries me is Nutrition. I would be elated to get a B in there. I don't know if that is possible. It is sad actually, I was somewhat glad to feels o bad this week and get to put off that exam. In addition to feeling terrible, I was not in the right fram of mind to take an important exam. All I could think about was how scared I was of blowing it. It is funny how my definition of "blowing it" has changed so dramatically in the last 10 years. Then, blowing it was an F. Now, it is defined as a C. Some days it is defined as less than an A. Kind of a high standard to set, I suppose. I keep averaging and reaveraging my possible GPA with different grades, etc. Worst case scenerio...I have blown it with 2 Cs, 2 Bs and an A...I have a 2.928. Ugh. I am supposed ot be removed from my program with less than a 3.0. Since this is my first semester, I don't have anything to leverage against. So...would that be it? OR would they give me a break knowing that I have been out of school for so long? C'mon...cut the old lady a break. Anyway, I am looking toward
3 As, 1 B and a C. Thank you Chem. I appreciate the difficulty you have given me this semester and the awful prof that accompanied you. How dense was I when I was so happy to have gotten her? Ugh. Note to self and all readers...are there any of you out there?? Always read up on your profs at RateMyProfessor.com AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SEMESTER. If the reviews say they are bad...they usually are. Don't think you can change the teacher...they are the way they are. Anyway, no use bitching...I just want to get through and beyond. I will NEVER...NEVER, EVER sign up with this prof again. I will literally go to a private institution and my $1K per credit hour rather than have this woman again. Literally, THAT is how bad she has been.

OK, enough bitching. Actually, I am in a really good mood and looking forward to blowing the top off what is left of the semester.

WOO HOO!

Under the weather.

Hi all! Thankgiving is next week and the semester is coming to a close. I have registered for Spring classes and ordered my parking permit. Unfortunately, my parking deck was sold out ONE DAY after they went on sale and I was unable to snag one. So, I have a different garage. A bummer, but there are far more important things in life.

I had 2 exams this week, but was very sick and wasn't able ta make either one of them. Thankfully, neither one of them were Chem. In Chem, there are NO MAKE UP EXAMS. You just get a zero. The one saving grace...if your final is higher than any one of your test grades, then it replaces that grade in addition to counting as the final. I am supposed to make up my Math exam by tomorrow and I'm not entirely certain how that is going to happen. I can barely make it up the stairs in my house...much less walk from my car to the building and up 3 flights of stairs. Ugh. I also must make up a Nutrition exam. I have the doctor's note that is required, but my prof has yet to get back with me. I emailed her on Wednesday (as required) and she has not replied. Supposedly, you are supposed to make it up the same week, but that would be just one day after the day the exam was given...which means you better not be very sick! Thankfully, I don't think that she holds fast to this requirement...especially since she is horrible to nail down.

Well, enough of this week.

Next week, I have a Human Bio exam, a HUMS/Chem exam as well as somehow making up the Nutrition exam. Lots of studying this weekend. I am glad this semester is almost over. I mean, I am terrified of finals, but ready to get it overwith.

OK, back to boring TV game show reruns. I have tried to study all week, but it has been useless.

Over and out.

This week is a big one. I have 2 exams, a Bio conference this afternoon for extra credit, a day of physician shadowing...and a vet appointment for one of the dogs :). Unfortunately, have had bronchitis since last week, am in bed and pretty weak. I need to get over this - quickly. Levaquin, Advair and Mucinex..will hopefully clear up the lungs soon. Thankfully, the fever has chilled out but my lungs are a lot more wet then they were. Ugh. I am not volunteering this week; I had determined that long ago due to the bio thing. I really hope that I can go to the conf this afternoon, but right now I am not too optimistic right now. I am downing hot tea and water like they are going out of style and I just realized that Thanksgiving is next week. AGGH. I have 3 exams before I can think about that. Three important exams. Actually, they are all important...but these are the last ones before the final. I have not finished registering for next semester's classes yet, but I was able to get the Chem prof that I was hoping for...so I am thrilled about that. I have an appointment with my advisor at some point this week or next, I really need to look at my schedule. OK, just did...it is next Monday at 0930. Hopefully, I have some form of trachea still intact by then. I am ridiculous pain with every cough.

Tomorrow, is my Math exam. I guess I need to go pay attention to it.

Adios peeps.

Sort of better...

I am feeling a bit better than I was the other evening about my chances for the semester. I have a very realistic view of what my situation is and while it is not ideal, it is not hopeless either. So, I have probably the most difficult 5 weeks of my academic career (thus far) immediately ahead of me. In short, I need close to perfection. Not better than I have done this semester, but better than I have done in recent weeks. Needless to say, I am a bit stressed about it. Perhaps uptight is a better description. I have heart palpitations pretty commonly now and it is driving me nuts. But, that is about all they are doing to me. I am so blessed. Next week, I have 2 exams. Math and Bio/Nutrition. I need A's on both. Math...totally doable. Nutrition...I have yet to accomplish it. So, I'll do my best and pray hard...we'll see what happens.

Sometimes you can't win for losing.

I am having serious doubts that I can do this. I am in danger of being dropped from my program..the first semester in it. If I am dropped, there is no chance in hell of me...well, there is already no chance in hell, but there is even less of a chance if I am dropped. How will I face myself? Damn it. I think the worst part is that I have masqueraded as an intelligent person my entire life. Now what? I have to admit to all my doubters and most painfully to myself that I am nothing more than a complete an total loser who got exactly what she deserved. It wasn't the extenuating circumstances that surrounded many of those grades, it wasn't the fact that I had panic disorder, it wasn't that I couldn't see well enough to read throughout undergrad...it was that I am dumb. Damn it. I don't want to admit that. I don't want to admit to being mediocre. Where the heck does that leave me? What will I do for the rest of my life, however long that may be? We moved here so that I could go to school. I let my husband down. I dragged him on this journey that ended prematurely because I don't have the brain for it. Oh my gosh. I honestly don't know what to think, what to do. I am spilling my guts on a public site. What the hell? Where do I go from here?