Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Lions, Tigers and Friggin' Morons...oh my!

I have a Chem exam tomorrow. Don't even get me started on how much of an idiot my professor is. How can they let morons head up entire departments like that? Ugh. The worst ones are always the ones with the power. Great. Anyway, I wasn't feeling hot this morning so I opted to stay home through my first class. (Ok, it really wasn't an option...I really couldn't go.) But, that is beside the point. I think I have a pretty good grip on Chem for tomorrow. I had a study session with 2 girls from my class and a TA we convinced to tutor us. So, now I lie here in bed next to a Chem textbook and notes that I SEEM to have a grip on..but I guess that will be determined tomorrow.

I wish tonight were not Halloween. I am not a fan of Halloween. Never really have been, even as a kid it was more of a chore for me. I never saw the point. And with the exam tomorrow, I had hoped to have a peaceful evening. Now, I have to move the convertible into the garage (not a small task) and worry. Hubby said that he is going to sit outside on the porch with the candy and when he comes in...that is it. But, I tonight really makes me nervous. Teenagers especially go all over the city to pick and choose (if you will) the best candy collecting areas. And of course, attempting to scare the **** out of oneself is common practice as well. Unfortunately, we had an extremely brutal murder...ok a quadruple murder...one block from here and the house is still boarded up. Even though the city dropped in crime ranking from #5 to #15, this is still not the safest place (nor the calmest) place in the country. Hence, the car goes into the garage if we still want a top on it in the morning. Pain in the @$$. It is my hope that people will be respectful of what happened in that house and not use it as a terror toy. But, people from all over the city came to gawk at the structure after it happened and my guess is that they will not leave it alone tonight either. People are idiots on Halloween. Anyway, I will be working on Math and Chem and hoping that one of the pumpkins that we bought does not come flying through the glass in our front door. Did I mention...people are idiots?

Despite working my @$$ off and being so confident in my performance on my recent Nutrition exam...I managed a mere 86%. I am going to have to settle for a C in the class. There is no way on the face of the planet that I can even pull a B (realistically). Furthermore, I pretty much F'ed up an entire semester in one week. Damn. What can ya do? Nothing really. Dean's list is out the window and my confidence is shot. I have no more to give on so many different levels. I am bitter, I am frustrated and I am beaten. Yet, I will meet with my advisor for next semester on Friday. WTF am I thinking?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

It is cold. Usually, I love the cold, but I have an exam tomorrow that needs serious prep and all I want to do is sleep. I would love to think "yeah, the weekend is approaching and I will get to rest then" but the truth is I have a Chem exam next week and I really need to blow it out of the water. Not to mention, I have a doc appt on Friday about 2 hours away. Also, I found a lump in my right breast and need to try to get an appointment with my other doc for Friday as well. I mean, it is likely nothing, but nonetheless there and new.

I have a Chem quiz today that I am only slightly more ready for than I was last night (when I was COMPLETELY lost) and feel like the world is spinning at 3 times its normal rate. I got my Human Bio exam grade and while definitely not good, it was better than I thought I had done. But, when you reach the depths of the grade scale like that, a few points really don't make any difference. The vast majority of this could be prevented by staying on top of everything. I have failed at that. Not entirely, but enough. In the blink of an eye I went from not having to worry about Human Bio to "OMG, I have to really concentrate on this now!" Same with Math. What a horrible feeling. Of course, neither one of them are anywhere close to Chem, but I was soing so well! I have loaded my Nutrition review sheet onto my Axim so I will have it to study during my break today. Without jinxing it, I feel like this information is somewhat easier than the others. Oh, and a little side note...a piece of advice if you will...never take a course for which you do not have the pre-req. Not smart. Getting an A is ridiculously hard. The last time I had any Bio was 1993. A class 13 years ago does not constitute a pre-req. In all of my classes, I have 2 tests and a final remaining. The final is huge for me in my Chem classes. It will replace what I have successfully screwed up (it will replace one test grade if I do better than my lowest score to account for 60 percent of my grade) so I am really banking on it. Unfortunately, all of the supplemental instruction sessions are conducted at times when I have class. UGH.

Ok, I gotta get a grip. But, first...a shower.

Outta here.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

1260 miles, 24 hours, no regrets

The last 5 days have been a total whirlwind. I blew 4 quizzes/exams because of how nervous I was about the flight...I can't afford to do that again. Especially since nothing worthwhile came of it. I ended up totally chickening out and hubby and I drove to Michigan to see a friend and party with a couple more. It was fantastic. I also had the opportunity to shadow my friend (a pathology resident) for one day and it was great. Went to a conference with her where 2 other residents presented re: 1. esophageal perforation during botox injection and 2. pulmonary fibrosis. Both were extremely interesting.

I had a wonderful time with my friend. Lots of laughs. I will be going back in December after finals (if she will have me). But, this time I will be taking the train. :) Not going to be a freak again and I am certainly not going to put the people around me through that again. It is a VERY long trip by train, but a lot less stressful and I will have the time at that point. Thankfully, the drive wasn't horrible...just long.

I have a Chem exam this week. I think I am going to opt out of my volunteering on Monday in favor of studying. They aren't going to be happy about it, but I really need to knock this score out of the park. Thankfully, there is no math homework due on Tuesday like there usually is...we had an exam and a couple of reading univ. days so that pushed things back a bit.

I need to work on some Chem homework today and get a grip on my schedule for the week. Once again, I am planning to shadow that plastic surgeon on Friday...we'll see how it works out. For now, I need a nap.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Ahh, Ooh, Eww...an internet quiz

I took this quiz (after reading it on a friend's blog) and, like all internet quizzes, the method and results are highly questionable. Nonetheless, here's what I look like on a chart of the 7 Deadly Sins:





Envy:Very Low



Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Friday, October 13, 2006

Hindsight's 20/20

I don't think I could tell it too well yesterday, but merely thinking about flying is scaring the heck out of me today while yesterday I was like "yeah, so?" Apparently, it worked. This is good news. I slept for 11 hours last night, but I have been tired all week so that is no big surprise. I kept saying that Wednesday (when the big quizzes, etc were over) I would take a nap when I got home. Well, that never happened. So, then I planned for Thursday. Then I realized that I didn't want to sleep through my little dry run. Last night was wonderful sleep. WONDERFUL. I have a sort of vendeta against this fear now. Keeping me from experiencing places and people for this long. I am going to not only get through that stupid take off, I am going to enjoy the damn flight. When the ascent is finished, I am going to pump my fists like I just won some huge championship. Then, I am going to chill out for a short nap until we land. (Of course, merely talking about this now freaks the heck out of me...I love meds. I love them. Thank you pharma-land.) And...I can't forget 2 Timothy - God did not give you a spirit of fear.

I need to study this weekend. Human Bio and Math exams are on Tuesday.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Dry Run.

Well, since I don't make a hobby of taking significantly more of my meds than prescribed and that is how my anxiety is supposed to be alleviated next week, I am doing a dry run today. My daily dose is 1mg. I took another mg about 30 mins ago and will take some more in a bit. I am mellow, but I can't tell if this will do the trick or not yet. I tried to figure out a way to scare the shizzit out of myself today for this little test, but other than flying, I can't think of a way. I guess that is good...I am not scared of as many things as I thought, but unfortunately, I can't test the true efficacy of this stuff at this dosage. Also, my Math prof put me in an awful mood so I became super mellow about 2 hours ago anyway.

I tried to convince hubby to take a flight with me somewhere...anywhere...this weekend just to test it out. So that my first flight in 3 years won't be alone. But, he said no. Ugh. Made me so mad. I just want to try this. It would really decrease my stress level if I didn't have to go it alone the first time after fearing it for this long. Maybe I will still convince him sometime this weekend. Heck, I don't care if we fly 10 miles, I just want to get off the ground. That is the only part that scares me really. (I am starting to feel the meds kicking in...woooooooo.)

Ok, I can't keep up a convo on AIM and blog too...gotta jet peeps!

Sunday, October 08, 2006


I know I already posted today. But, here I am again. Someone clue me in. I need advice. My husband and I decided to adopt because having a baby naturally isn't really the smartest thing in our/my situation. I am happy about this decision. It really takes a lot of stress off of me. But, I have serious maternal hormones going and am somewhat anxious to get this moving. However, I want to put it on hold until I am a little further along with my schooling. The problem? Whenever I hear of good news along these lines for anyone else it throws me into a tailspin. A dear friend of mine has really been wanting another niece/nephew and she found out today that that was going to be the case. I am thrilled for her. I really am. I think she really needs this...despite the fact that it is what she has wanted. But, I think I hurt her tonight. I just couldn't talk about it. I tried. I tried so hard to act like nothing was going on in my mind...in my heart. This is such a bad idea to lay this out in THIS forum...she reads my blog. But, this is MY RELEASE, MY WORDS...MY BLOG...so I will write.

What should I do? I don't want to be a killjoy for those I love. That is horrible. Not to mention, it is just wrong! Most of all though...I don't want to feel like this.


I really need to get motivated to study. I have math homework due on Tuesday and Chem homework due Wednesday. I have reviewed the new Nutrition notes this weekend and I have some sort of flu-y bug (AGAIN, ugh) so plenty of bed time to study. Instead, I am watching bad house primping shows on A&E and some bad rerun of True Hollywood Story on E! about some Janice Dickinson model. Ok, If you have never seen an episode of The Janet Dickinson Modeling Agency...do yourself and your confidence a favor. That show makes the dumbest person looked brilliant.

Anyway, it is Sunday afternoon and I am in bed. This is getting really old. I guess it can always be worse.

Tomorrow is my volunteer day. I can't call in again and skip. I don't care how sick I am. It is getting really old to call in every Monday.

Overall, school is going fairly well. I am going to shadow this week. I go to Ann Arbor next Wednesday. Unfortunately, I have 3 tests before I leave. Ugh.

Friday, October 06, 2006