Cadavers ROCK!

I was nervous going into the week as you might have gathered from the previous post. I actually said that if I didn't make it through the cadavers that I was going to leave school. After all, I have enough uphill battles to win along this journey. But, the cadavers were awesome! The second day, I didn't sit in the back because of fear, but because I could actually see more than those people in the front row due to the upward slope of the room. LOTS and LOTS of people left the class. I loved it. It was calming. I know that sounds amazingly odd. But, it really was. I was comfortable. I will likely never eat meat again, but I was so comfortable. I explored, I played, I took advantage of the opportunity. It was fantastic.

Thanks for the supportive comments y'all. I really appreciate them. I am so grateful for this week.

Breakdown

I don't know that I can do this. I am beyond having serious doubts and am considering what withdrawing will do to my chances of getting into grad school in some other field. I hit the wall last night, but not in the traditional sense. I suddenly became overwhelmed. I was studying what I later found out was an outdated Anatomy chart (how can an anatomical chart be "outdated" if it was done anytime in the latter part of the 20th century?) and I kept naming the deep rotator muscles of the lower limb incorrectly. It wasn't that I kept naming them wrong, but that I couldn't understand WHY! I don't have a problem with stuff typically. Everyone else seemed to have it together. We have our first practical on Thursday. So, I calmly packed up my stuff and left. My friend who was studying with me clued into the fact that something was wrong and asked me if I was ok. I said "yes" and left the room. I was angry, I was scared, I was feeling emotions that I had never felt before. I took off my glasses and crushed them. I presume that she followed me into the hallway as I left the building since she called my husband telling him what had happened and that she had one of my lenses. I broke. For the first time this semester I broke...badly. Today (Tuesday) we are first exposed to the cadavers, maybe I was frightened by that. I know that as I sit here, I am pretty terrified. I am planning to abandon my first row seat to take one in the back for the week. I know, I am a wimp. I should be up there wanting to see everything as closely as possible. But, I am scared. There is no emotional attachment to these people, just sheer fright. Part of me is extremely excited about the opportunity to move toward the goal, to have the chance to see inside the human body. But, the other half of me is petrified - not of what I will see, but how I will react. Will I vomit? Will I faint? (Please God, don't let me faint.) How will those around me react?

I know that these are not thoughts consistent with those of a future doctor and that is why I am reconsidering whether I have what it takes to become one. I have to be very careful though. I know that giving up would throw me into a deep depression without any goal to bring me out of it. Today will tell me a lot. Can I do it? SHOULD I continue? Is this going to be a waste of money for which there will be no return? Why do I want this so badly?

First Day Back

Classes resumed today. I am in for quite a semester. This will be the semester that determines whether or not I can actually do it. Anatomy alone....WHOA. Not to mention, the professor couldn't be less "entertaining"...a very nice lady, very grandmotherly...with a great love for the word "People."

"I tell you something people..."
"You know people...."
"People, you have to..."

I think I am going to enjoy it though. We will have 2 cadavers in lecture this semester instead of moving one from lab to lab. That will be interesting. Now, how many "people" are going to puke and how many are going to faint? I hope and pray that I am not one of those.

Unfortunately, Blackboard is not functioning correctly for me and I am unable to access the class notes and notices. This is not good. Apparently, I am one of the only ones. I emailed her to see what the heck is going on.

I need to go buy colored pencils (reminds me of 4th grade Social Studies) and a one subject notebook for one of my Chem classes. They are very picky about that. It must be a one subject dedicated notebook. Um...ok. Thankfully, I have already determined what we are having for dinner and it won't take very long to make. I did not sleep well at all last night and would like to take a nap. The thought of taking a nap makes me feel guilty and that is why I have spent the last hour avoiding it. But, I don't think I am going to quit feeling this way nor quit thinking about it until I snooze. So, off to crash I go.

Night for now PEOPLE! ;)

-Dr. Underdog