Fat chick.

Today is Sunday. I will be going to the service at 4:30pm, which is unusual for me but I was so jittery this morning from decreasing my meds that I couldn't think of getting up and going. Hubby is preaching today, which he does about once a month. In a freak moment last night nearing 11pm, MSWord scrambled his sermon and he couldn't get it back. As you can imagine, he was slightly ticked. Long story short, he got it back and all was well with the world. So, while he has been off at church this morning, I have been here napping, watching TV and looking at plus sized pregnancy boards. I am so bummed that I am overweight. I have been for about 8 years. I have always fought the weight battle but I am extremely displeased at this moment. I have thought about attempting to lose the extra weight before getting pregnant (story of my life) but I am also concerned about the magical 35 age. I want to try to avoid it. When I met with my OB/GYN she wasn't concerned. She just said to eat right and that there were much bigger girls than me. I am 5'8, 240 lbs and I wear a size 20. I carry it throughout, not just in my hips, thighs, etc. I also have a decent amount of muscle. All this is more credit than I have given myself in the last 8 years. I used to be an athlete...muscular, in shape, you know the drill. I went into business with a collegue who was significantly overweight and her eating habits became mine. Unfortunately, I didn't exercise enough to combat those practices so here I am. Now I eat well for the most part - lots of whole grains, fruit, veggies, tons of water. I keep the sugar intake low and so forth. We have a friggin' gym that is well stocked in our house and my happy @## doesn't use it enough. (full disclosure: I also have mild hypothyrodism)

Anyway, my docs don't seem concerned with the weight. They just say that the weight gained during pregnancy will be limited to 15-20 pounds. I am not diabetic nor hypertensive. One doc just said that I should try to lose what I can in the time that I am d/cing my meds. Um, well...that has been NONE. Ugh. Not due to a lack of trying...just due to a lack of losing. How frustrating! I look forward to being pregnant and I look forward to having a child. My husband is uber-excited. It has been nice to read about plus sized women having really positive pregnancy and birth experiences. I have bought all the books...read all the horrible things that could happen and I refuse to read them over and over. This is going to be hard enough, I don't need to keep reading all the things that "could" happen. I am just going to follow my OB's advice...eat well and exercise. If I lose nothing, I lose nothing.

Off to work...

Merry Christmas...a day late. I had to work yesterday (bummer) and will finish up my 3 day run today at 7:30pm. I am 2 days from dropping to yet a lower dosage of my anxiety medication. That will be as low as it gets before completely d/cing it on Jan 2nd. I woke up last night a little jittery. This is not going to be easy. It already hasn't been. God has really been great to me in this whole deal...I never thought it would be possible to get to this low of a dosage and still act like a human being. I am so grateful for such a wonderful doctor who knows just how to talk to me and is so accessible. I can't believe that I am going to be in a position medically to have a baby. I never thought that I would ever get off of the meds. I can't tell you how happy I am. I am so grateful that I have a husband who is so understanding that I don't HAVE to work if it suits me better during the pregnancy. I will probably work some very short shifts and be going to school. Once I begin nursing school in May *fingers still crossed*, then I will most likely not work at all until I graduate. I would like to be able to do something from home even if it doesn't pay many bills. I know several people who sell on eBay and I have sold a few items myself. It was pretty easy, so perhaps I can do some of that.

I need to go get showered and ready for work...TTYL.

I am going to try to keep up with this blog more consistently. (Um, well...we'll see how it goes.)

I was not in school this fall. I spent the time working and finishing my application for nursing school. I should hear in February whether or not I got into my first choice. *fingers crossed* It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I didn't get my first choice. I have an alternate plan for that case that would actually get me to my goal a year sooner. Another wrench has been voluntarily thrown into my plans. My husband and I have decided to have a baby. Well, that decision came months ago, but I have been dealing with coming off of medications and changing others to make it a safe environment for the child. Anyway, we are a go to start trying in January.

I have talked to a few friends who are in nursing school currently, including one that is in the program to which I applied. Doable? Yes. Easy? No. I would love to work things so that I deliver just before or just after finals. Of course, in a perfect world. Maybe not in mine. I am going to take the best pregnancy experience that I can get. Beyond that, I will work it out. In this case, I am rapidly approaching 35 and having a baby can't be postponed...school can...to a point.

I will be in class in the Spring. I will be taking my last pre-req for nursing school (like the 3 years prepping for med school wasn't enough).

11/18/08 approx 9:38 pm ET...

She is gone.

The Thief Strikes Again.

Cancer is about to claim yet another of my those I love. Somehow, after agonal breathing and death seemingly within the hour, my friend whom I wrote about below rallied and has clung to life for 24 additional hours. The family is all there and she has told everyone that she loves them. Perhaps I should back up. Almost 2 weeks ago, she was released from the hospital into the care of hospice because there was nothing more they could do. "Hug a lot, eat and drink anything you want, and get your affairs in order" were the instructions. Hubby and I immediately made plans to travel to San Antonio. We left a few days later. We were down there for a week during which I was able to spend some time with her and say my goodbyes. (Though not in those words.) I thanked her for what she had done for me over the 20 years we have know one another and most of all what she has meant to me. She gave both my husband and I each a pink stone to carry in our pockets think of her and offer a prayer. We all knew that it was to serve a longer purpose. I am so grateful for that time that I had with her. I am so grateful that my wonderfully supportive husband went with me. "Death is a part of the gig" as another cancer survivor friend of mine said recently. It most certainly is. We get the good...and we must bear the end of it. Cancer is a horrible end. A horrible, horrible end.

She has meant so much to me. I always was able to go to her with anything. She was more my mother than my own. I will miss her. Many, many people will. I will never be able to think of so many things without associating them with her. I will carry the rock that she placed in my hand with her own, now weak and somewhat disfigured by the disease that will soon take her, and I will remember all the good. Unfortunately, I have cancer to blame for this one too.

I do have happy things to write about and I will in another post. - My husband and I have decided to try start a family. I have a few challenges to overcome, before we can "get things going" but things are going well. Very well. - For now, please offer a prayer for a smooth transition for my dear friend. I have been. Death is coming...it's already been bad enough.

Too much of a bad thing

I know I haven't posted in a few months. Really, there is no excuse except for I didn't want to write about what was going on. We went down to see my family a few weeks ago and I really wanted to a couple of people while we were down there. One being my friend that I wrote about in the last post. She was tired. That was to be expected. But, she looked great and actually managed to play a couple of games on the Wii while sitting. It was great. Obviously, the whole things is pretty horrible and I wish she didn't have to go through it. Just before we left, another friend of ours was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. There is nothing good about that. And, to top it off, last week our wonderful 115 pound Leonberger who I have mentioned in several previous posts was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, it appears to be very treatable and common. We have an appointment with the surgeon on the 31st of this month. In the meantime, I have been interviewing at the hospital. I had an interview last week, one yesterday and one on Friday. One of these days they will say yes.

Anyway, I am really bummed about all the cancer floating around.

That's about all I have to say today.

Have a good one.

I am in the middle of writing my Developmental Psych paper on the psychological and psychosocial aspects of cancer. Actually, it is more than that, but I am pretty sure that those are the only things he is interested in.

I just got off the phone and found out that a dear friend of mine that I have known for 20 years is dealing with cancer again. It began in her breast 4 years ago and metastasized to her liver and brain. Thankfully, the liver and brain are clear, but now she is back in chemo because of spots in her pelvis. Geez. I am supposed to go down to San Antonio in May and am terrified of the flight. I have been trying to wiggle my way out going, but hearing her on the phone tonight was extreme.

This week has been interesting. A long story, but I no longer have to attend my Developmental Psych class. I will send my paper with a friend on Monday and take my last exam online next weekend.

Sorry, Amanda keeps texting me and it is throwing off my train of thought.

Tomorrow, I go for recertification in CPR. Unfortunately, it will take all day. I need to mow the lawn this weekend too...hopefully I can get it in before it rains. I told hubby that I would do all the mowing and he is responsible for all the weeding. Frankly, I am getting the better deal because we have a heavily landscaped lawn and it is a mess. The lawn is large, but the mower is the one chomping the grass, not me.

One more week and I am finished with my Post-Baccalaureate work! Woo hoo!! On to nursing school. My, my how things have changed. :-)

Courage?

I suppose it is time to update. I know, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but sometimes actually doing it forces me to reflect upon things that are going on in my life and sometimes I am not really up for that. Most of the time, I don't write about those which just leaves the post short and me feeling like a liar. Anyway...

I passed my EMT exam (written and practical) and got my "credentials" in the mail. LOL. Three of my classmates didn't, which is highly unfortunate since they were the 3 that I was closest to. Despite my initial feeling, I managed to get an 87% with the highest being 92% (my partner).

School is in full swing and I am sitting on a strong A (we don't do pluses and minuses where I go to school) in Developmental Psych and a strong B in Human Physiology. I am actually quite disappointed in the B since it is only because I couldn't get myself motivated to study for hte second exam that I have anything less than an A. Ugh.

I have begun to read a book that was recommended to me...The Courage to Heal. A pretty intense read if you are a member of the audience for whom it was intended. I was warned that it would be, but somehow managed to suck it up and read it anyway. It is a book for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I can't bring myself to doing the writing "exercises" so to speak. After this many years, I still can't write it. Writing is so permanent and it has never worked out well for me. It seems that anything personal that I write tends to be thrown back in my face in one way or another.

Speaking of the perpetrator of that "crime"...I have found out how to get my mother off of the phone when she calls...begin talking about myself. Sad, but true. She will blather on about my sister and her life and so on and so forth, and when I finally interject about what has been going on with me she gets eerily quiet and then says..."Well, I gotta go." Umm....Ok. While it does seem sad, I have blocked my mother out of my mind as a healthy person with anything positive to contribute and really kind of am excited about the fact that I can accomplish ending a conversation without being the one to say "Ok, Bye." If that were the case, she would simply tell everyone that I am a horrible person who doesn't want to talk to her.

It is a nice day outside. I am just chillin' as the laundry is being done and reading my book in short bursts.

First Call.

I am nearing the end of my EMT class. All we are doing now are practicals. After being cancelled, getting food poisoning (or something..) and whatnot, I finally was able to fulfill my clinical hours. The first night, I was at the rescue squad where I am taking my class. I didn't really expect much action...and the time lived up to it. Not one call. I mean, that is good because it means that no one in our region was having a problem that necessitated calling 911, but on the other hand I didn't learn anything. The second night, I worked an overnight. It was at a station that generally gets plenty of calls. It was a slow night...we got 2. I had a great time. What a rush. We were sent on two priority 1 difficulty breathing calls. The more severe of which was a 39 yo/f. Two hours later, when we ran the second call to the same hospital, she still had a sat in the mid 80s. Likely, pneumonia. I rode with a fantastic crew. I would like to join them permanently, but it is quite time consuming for a voluntary position and the number of deaths of EMTs in the line of duty in my state was pretty high last year which freaks hubby out. So, I will have to decide what I am going to do. I am going to be getting a job, so I probably should just ride as an associate until I find out my schedule...whenever that may be.

I have my EMT final tomorrow and the state exam in a couple of weeks. I also have a Developmental Psych exam on Friday and Human Physiology on Monday. I am probably most ready for the Physiology exam..which I haven't studied for. I seem to understand that pretty easily. Thankfully. (and knock on wood)

I need to schedule the GRE and get studying. A lot pressure was alleviated when I changed to nursing, but I am not using the extra time wisely. I have to admit that I am not missing Physics and Chem though. :-)

Over and out for now. I am off today and need to run a few errands before the plumber gets here this afternoon (don't ask...issues, issues).

Over and out.

Wow! I knew it had been awhile since I last posted, but it's been alomst 2 weeks. Today is the primary in my state. Unfortunately, due to our moves in the last 5 years or so, I am registered to vote somewhere way outside of my actual district....like 2 hours outside so I don't anticipate voting in the primary. I will have to get it squared away before the election.

The semester is in full swing and we have taken and had returned our first exams. In Developmental Psych I got a 95% and in Human Physiology I got a 97%. I am especially pleased with the score in Phys as that class is killer. We are due to take our final written exam (before the state one) in my EMT class on Monday. I don't anticipate that date actually holding true since we had a class cancelled on Saturday in which 2 lectures were to be covered. Actually, that is better because a friend of mine is coming into town to interview with the medical school here and now I don't have to stress about not having studied. The class itself is not difficult, it is the way that the questions are phrased that throws me.

I am not a hockey fan, but did you see that video of Richard Zednik's carotid getting cut by he skate of a teammate? Though it is in French, here is the best video of it I have seen. Apparently there was a similar injury some years back and that is included as well.

[sorry, I had to take out the video, it was totally messing up my layout]

Thank God he is ok.

Well, the dogs need to go out and I am ready for breakfast. Have a good day.

Super Blah.

It's Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a football fan so that means reruns, laundry, internet or studying for me. Which of these would be the best choice? The one I am not doing. I had an exam in Developmental Psych last week and the scores were posted yesterday. I got a 95. I am very pleased with that. :) Tomorrow, I have to turn in my topic for my major paper for the semester. I will be writing it about pediatric cancer. Monday night, my 100 question "quiz" is due in EMT class and Wednesday I will be taking my first Physiology exam. I am not looking forward to that...at all.

I have been sleeping a lot. I don't really know why. All I seem to want to do is sleep. I have thought about whether it could be depression or just exhaustion. I can't see how I could possibly be exhausted and I have no idea what would have caused depression to rear its ugly head. Either way, it is getting on my nerves.

We have been eating at home a lot more to save money and eat healthier. Unfortunately, I think we are only accomplishing the money saving aspect. The caloric intake is really not that low. Tonight I made enchiladas. I need to make less. I cook as though we are a family of 5 and the 2 of us end up finishing it or really not having much left. That is not good. :( Anyway, I think that hubby is enjoying me cooking...you know, actually following a recipe. LOL.

I need to schedule to take the GRE. Random thought...but an important one.

Ok, outta here for now.

Blah, blah, blah

I don't anticipate that this will be a very informative post, but I wanted to update anyway. School is going well. I have a couple of quizzes due tonight while will be no big deal, but I need to get them done. I also have my first exam in Developmental Psychology on Friday. Again, I don't anticipate that it will be a big deal, but it will be HUGE if I don't study. :(

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. It was a great day and wonderfully relaxing. Hubby made a wonderful dinner, we ran some errands that I had to get done, snuggled, and, of course, went to church. My parents and my sister called in the evening and we had short conversations. Hubby and I watched stand up on Comedy Central until about 11:30pm and then it was off to snooze land.

This morning, I had a dental appointment at 8am so I was up and at 'em early. Obviously, I would have rather been still asleep than listening to the never ending conversation that goes on between my dentist and his hygienist over me. I think that is rather rude frankly. Every time I am in there (which has been a lot lately) they have this conversation about personal stuff like they haven't seen each other in years. They have been working together for 10 years and are obviously very close, but you just don't talk over the patient like they aren't there. I really like both of them, but that really bugs me.

Like I said...not a very informative post. But, I need to head off to class.

Bye.

Just complaining

My husband says that EVERYTHING annoys me. Probably true. So, I decided to make a list of all the petty things that I can't stand.

1. Reality TV
2. When I watch reality TV
3. Shallow people
4. Carelessness
5. When black people use intimidation toward whites
6. When white people are accused of being racist when I am the one be discriminated against
7. When people (all ethnicities) are mean to one another based simply on their race
8. When people make judgments about others based on nothing
9. Inconsistency
10. When I overthink things
11. When I don't think enough
12. Vicki on "The Housewives of Orange County" (see #2)
13. Dismissive people
14. When the base from the stereo in the car next to me is so loud that it alters my heart rate
15. Hair extensions (I just don't get it)
16. When I don't learn from my mistakes
17. When I let fear rule my actions
18. Arrogance
19. ENTITLEMENT! Ugh.
20. Rude people
21. When there isn't any soap in a bathroom. EWW!
22. When the front door is not locked. (A couple of years ago, we had a random quadruple murder near us...yes, scary)
23. People who walk their dog off leash
24. People who do not pick up after their dog
23. People who do not make the effort to move out of the way when someone else is walking along the same path
24. Catty women
25. When people raise their hand in class just to show how smart they are
26. Lack of common sense

And...of course...

27. People who wear their Bluetooth EVERYWHERE!

In all fairness, there are many, MANY more.

But, what about the things that I like? The little things that make me smile. Let's explore that list.

1. God
2. My husband
3. Our dogs
4. Sleeping
5. Sunny, 70 degree days
6. Mountain biking
7. Knowing I did my best
8. Driving across the bridge with the top down on the car
9. Expressing myself intelligently
10. Deep conversations with friends
11. Trains
12. Having my eyebrows waxed and knowing that I don't have to go back for a month
13. Hammocks
14. Water
15. Making people laugh
16. Sucking it up and working out
17. Baseball caps
18. When people count me worthy to confide in
19. Snow
20. Sports
21. Hoodies
22. Animals
23. Opportunities to make a difference
24. Grass (the yard kind)
25. Sneakers...I am a freak about tennis shoes, running shoes, any athletic shoe!
26. Down to earth people
27. Music
28. Doing well on an exam

And...so much more

Another ouch...this one's not mine.

I need to be reading for my classes, but...well, I'm not. I have a meeting in an hour and a half (that I really don't want to go to), then run a bunch of errands and go to a dental appointment at 2pm. Apparently, my husband had a busy evening while I was at my EMT class. A neighbor (and friend) of ours called and said that her husband had been in a car accident and needed some insurance info so would hubby mind watching her 2 young boys while she took it to him. Hubby said yes and jogged over to the house. As he was hurrying up the stairs to the house, he tripped and fell thrusting his finger into a brick retaining wall. Our friend wanted to take him to the ER, but hubby had an important meeting to get to (this was about 6:30pm) so he declined. (The meeting will be outlined below.) He put ice on the finger and went to the meeting. I got home at 10pm and knew nothing of what had transpired. He descended from the attic (our media room) with his hand on a bag of by then thawed peas. He proceeded to tell me he had hurt himself and recount the ENTIRE story of what had happened since I had left. Finally, I got to look at the finger. OMG. Yeah, it was a mess. I grabbed the knuckle and it was apparent that he had grossly dislocated it. I reduced the joint and ran out to the pharmacy to buy a splint and some Ibuprofen. How in the heck had he been able to tolerate the pain for nearly 4 hours and through a meeting?? OUCH! Putting it back in place made me light-headed...it was so crunchy. Perhaps I am not the best person to ask about dislocations. I have dislocated my shoulders 6 times (the right one has since been reconstructed) so my idea of the pain aroused by a dislocation comes from a much larger joint...and it was EXCRUCIATING! Poor guy. I was so in awe of how he calmly recounted everything that had happened as though he had stubbed his toe. Maybe it was that bit of laughter that he had to himself during "the meeting."

Ugh. The meeting.

5 HOURS LATER
Well, I was going to write about the meeting, but it has been one heck of a day so I think I will save it for later.

Over and out. Thanks for reading.

Physiology, Episiotomy and other words that end in "-OTOMY"

Today was the first full day of Spring classes. I began my Developmental Psychology class last Monday, so that wasn't much of a surprise. The only other classroom course I am taking is Physiology. It is a huge class...those always are. The class is being taught by one of the profs from the medical school. It was getting a little scary when he was saying that you could still pass the course with something like a 30. OMG! I mean, with a 20 point spread for an A, it gives me hope but on the other hand what the heck has happened in the past that made these measures so necessary. A couple of my friends are in there so that is a plus. I am not taking the lab. I really don't need it and with the EMT course, my time is a bit short.

Tonight we are learning about obstetric emergencies and how to deliver a baby if the need arises. Fun, fun. LOL. I was watching episiotomies on YouTube. Geez, the things people will post on there! Anyway, I better get going. I need to grab a bite to eat before class.

Oops. Owww!

I am supposed to be in class in 39 mins, but I am not going. I have been having a fibro flare and I was so exhausted yesterday when I took one of our dogs out that I fell hard onto the concrete and hurt every inch of my body. That didn't help the flare either..it just exacerbated it. Luckily, in this class we buy a textbook that has the outline in the back and that is what the prof presents to us in class...word for word. So, while I still feel horribly guilty about skipping class, I don't think it is going to make much of a difference. The mere thought of standing brings me to tears. Thankfully, hubby had taken off from work yesterday to work on some stuff and he was standing right there when I went down. Today guarantees to be a boring day. I am watching daytime television. I would like to go downstairs and get my books and a glass of water, but the thought makes my body hurt. So, it is Regis and Kelly for me right now. At least Regis isn't there...the guy is so annoying. Maybe I will watch an On Demand movie. I began watching Beloved the other day. It was pretty good. Unfortunately, as much as I like Oprah...she really is a horrible racist person. So sad. It doesn't do anyone any good. Don't get me wrong, she is no Al Sharpton but she certainly has quite a bit more influence. Overall, her positive influence is WAY more significant than the negative. Any way...I think I will watch a movie...maybe.

Have a great day.

I saw Kate today. She looked wonderful. Her hair is gone, but her eyes are sparkling, her color is great and she seems to have put on some weight. I am so thrilled.

I discussed the transition to NP school and she was supportive. I think it surprised her. Frankly, it surprised me. Anyway, now that it is official I am in unfamiliar waters. I have spent so much time and effort (not to mention money) learning about what I need to do to get into medical school that I, of course, know little about the rest. I have done some investigating. I spoke with a friend who is in the program that I will be hopefully getting into and I have changed my schedule for next semester. Someone apparently dropped Human Physiology today and I was able to pick up that spot. No lab spot though. I will call and arrange an appointment at the nursing school next week to just sit and talk with someone about this and that. I will also be contacting an NP over at XYZ Cancer Center to see if I can get a few minutes with her to pick her brain. My mom called and they have a friend who is a Peds Onc NP in San Antonio and I will be shadowing her in May when I go down to visit.

The change is exciting and I think it will be a great fit, but now I have all this knowledge about med school admissions that is useless to me. It was fun learning about it the first time...I guess I better get back in the mood.

Decisions, decisions.

I think I have decided to become an NP instead of an MD/DO. Why? I spent the other evening in the trauma/resus room on Christmas as an observer and while the focus has always been on the job, it became entirely about the job and less about the title. As an NP, I would be able to do nearly everything I could as an MD/DO with few limitations. Specifically, periodic review by a physician and lack of Schedule I prescribing privileges. I could still specialize in Oncology in addition to practicing sooner and being educated according to the nursing model which is more holistic and frankly, more me. The autonomy is there. Perhaps not to the extreme that docs have it, but pretty darn autonomous.

What is the one thing that makes my stomach turn? The feeling that becoming a "nurse" as opposed to a "doctor" is settling. My pride, my sick pride.

I am going to talk to Kate in the next couple of days. This is a decision that I have to make...but it never hurts to have a sounding board.