I don't know what this blog will turn into in the coming weeks and months. It no longer seems to be a record of the aspirations and optimism of a student. I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks and I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. Of course, there isn't much that I am pleased about these days. I began a new painting last night without inspiration other than anger and sadness. Not surprisingly, it looks uninspired. I don't know what I was thinking...did I really expect that I would be able to come out of some long term hibernation from an elementary art life and expect everything I touched with a brush to be magical? What the heck am I trying to prove? What do I want from my art? Why have I ever wanted? For it to be MINE. Obviously, I love recognition for a job well done here and there, but that hasn't happened in a long time. Besides, sad as it is...I never believe it anyway. That's all I want from a career in medicine...not the recognition...I want the satisfaction. I don't want someone to tell me how great I am...I want to feel that what I did and what I am doing is a great thing. I began my life as someone who wanted attention and I did get attention...a lot of it. I didn't know what to do without it. I got attention that I would rather have not gotten. But, somewhere along the road I became the person who didn't want to be the center of it all. I became the person who derived great satisfaction off of making someone feel like they were the center of it all. To see the look on someone's face when they know that you are working for their benefit...geez, that is friggin awesome.

Now, I would rather be in pain silently than draw attention. If I could figure that out, I think it would reveal a lot.

Anyway, I have piece of crap painting on my easel. I can't say that it is complete nor can I say it isn't. All I can say is that it is as far as it is going. The problem is that I don't know where to discard of it. Our next door neighbor is a professional artist and if I were to trash a worked canvas she would certainly notice as it sat in the trash can in the alley. When hubby gets home he is going to ask about it if it is still on my easel. I want it out of here. I would love to torch it, but I would most certainly send something unintended up in flames.

I suck. I wish I didn't believe that.

I am convinced that no one reads this blog anymore. Actually, that is not such a bad thing.

Today is my third day at home. I went to choir rehearsal last thinking that it would make me feel a bit better. Unfortunately, it didn't. I was planning on going for a quiz today in Human Bio lab - against my doc's instructions - but I really don't fee like it. Ultimately, I think I am going to end up getting a retroactive medical withdrawal from my classes this semester. That is probably best. That way, nothing shows up on my transcript. No W's, no F's...nothing. I thought I was getting better. I don't know, maybe I still am. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to smile. My arms and legs feel like they weigh a 100 pounds each and the rest of me just hurts. This is prime planning time for my husband's party and I can't bring myself to do it. There is an unfinished painting on my easel and 2 blank canvases downstairs. I could be painting. There is cleaning to be done. I don't want to do any of it. How did this happen? What happened to me? THIS is not me. I just want to stay out of the hospital.. that would irreparably hurt my application.

Tuesday part 2

Things progressed pretty fast after I posted that entry earlier today. I lost it again. I ended up calling a friend who is a nurse and lives near me and she came over. I ended up calling my doc and to make a long story short...hubby was summoned home from the hospital at about noon and I have been ordered by my doc not to go to class for the rest of the week...at least. Unfortunately, I am going to have to be a bad patient for once and defy orders so that I don't miss a quiz in my Human Bio lab. No one is certain that I will be able to return to school for the remainder of the semester, but I don't want to screw it up completely if I do.

As you can tell, things aren't going real well. I am immeasurably depressed. It is embarrassing to admit that. I am pale. I look like $h!^ and I feel worse.

I am broken.

Depression, Britney Spears and other things I wish I didn't know about...

Depression hurts. Gosh, it hurts. The physical pain is excruciating. I screwed up a lab report last night. Somehow, I messed up the procedure and when I went to write it up my actual yield was higher than my theoretical. Anyway, despite additional medication last night, I feel awful this morning. I was drugged all night which was good for my sleep, but the terrible pain won't go away. I don't have class until 2:30 so I am vegging in bed. I have another lab report to write before then however. I made the mistake of turning on the TV and apparently we live in such a pathetic world that Britney Spears losing custody of her 2 children is making the top of the news. WHY?

I didn't work out last night. My work out buddy was supposed to come over at 9, but my life went into crisis mode before then. Tonight is another night. I didn't get to work out at all last week because my schedule was so tight, so I need to make up for it this week. I need to also do some serious studying of Chemistry...actually go to my prof's office hours this week. She has so few of them. Tomorrow will be the day.

Maybe I will try to make myself feel a bit better by dropping the top on the convertible and take a drive. All I want to do is sleep though...so it will be a toss up. I also need to clean. I am such a bad housekeeper. There is no excuse. My husband is so wonderful. I can't complain about his contribution to the upkeep of the house. He vacuums, dusts, cleans toilets, does dishes...there aren't many men that will jump in on those things. See, my life is great...it is the person living it that sucks.

Today is Chem Lab. I really like that class. Unfortunately, my wonderful lab partner that I was so happy about dropped the class! She decided to go into nursing and didn't need the credit after all. I don't blame her, but it is a real bummer for me.

Well, things HAVE to get better. But, for now I have another lab report to do...outta here.

Chemistry and other reasons to become emotional

Today wasn't a good day. I hate sounding like I am constantly complaining. I don't tell people around me what is going on typically. Occasionally, when I have had too much and my functioning is obviously being affected, I will give a clue what it is about when asked. I cried through Chemistry again today. Unfortunately, today was worse than Friday. Why Chem? I don't know. But, it is such a small class that hiding my tears is really difficult - especially since the professor knows me so well and regularly makes eye contact with me. Today, it was just a matter of looking down and suffering. I kept sniffling to keep my nose from running down my face, but that simply made the situation worse. I considered leaving, but we are so smashed in there that getting up and exiting through the only door (at the front of the room) would have called much too much attention to myself. So, for 50 minutes I did a miserable job of fighting the tears. I couldn't stop them. I am tired of feeling this way. I am angry that it is having such a horrible affect on my studies. I would really like to drop out of school for the semester but it is not an option so I just need to buckle down and get it done. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to have such an impact on me...I can't believe that I have allowed it to affect me this much. Damn it. Tonight, a friend of mine came over to workout. Unfortunately, I began having chest pain and became dizzy shortly before she got here. Luckily (I suppose), she is a cardiac nurse and became concerned. I attribute it to nothing more than stress and emotional overload. My BP was fairly normal and my pulse was completely normal. I'm not dead...I guess that is a good sign.

Anyway, tomorrow in the life of this post-bacc student includes Physics Lab and Chem Lab. Physics Lab is never exactly "fun" considering that I am having trouble conceptualizing what the heck is going on in there. But, Chem lab is nothing short of a joke. I have a fabulous lab partner and the write up is the most time consuming part. I began a new painting a couple of days ago. Obviously, it not complete...nowhere close. But...the camera is here and so:

I really should be studying. Guess what? I am not. I am SO not in the mood. I have a Chemistry exam next week. Hopefully, she will post the mock exam soon. Those are always so helpful. If you can do the problems on that, you are in great shape for the exam. Usually, the actual thing is just the mock with different numbers. This professor really does want her students to succeed and it is so obvious. I don't know why though. Last semester, my class was so awful. Had I been her, I would have wanted to fail all of us...for no other reason than guilt by association with the others in the class then never returned. This is the fourth time I have had her...for a variety of Chem classes. Definitely the best prof I have ever had. Perhaps not the easiest, but the best. I feel like I have learned something after her courses. I actually feel smarter...like I am prepared for the next thing. I can't say that I feel that way with the vast majority of my other classes.

Anyway, I am going to grab an apple downstairs and maybe get a back massage from hubby. Until next time...be safe.

Dr. Underdog

Circling the bowl.

I thought that perhaps the depressive episode that I was experiencing had subsided a bit, but apparently I was wrong. Unfortunately, not only am I dealing with that right now, I am having a fibro flare (I have Fibromyalgia) and anxiety (I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder also) is kicking my A$$ as well. I don't know what the worst part is. The depression is really, really rough but the anxiety makes you want to be flying off the same bridge as the depression. I just need to make it through the next 3 weeks and then I can crumble...for a LITTLE bit. I will only have 2 weeks to spare for any nervous breakdown that my body/mind is thinking about having without my permission. The end of the semester is near...very near. I am thrilled, scared and sad all in the same thought. I have had a wonderful Anatomy lab this semester and I am not anxious for that to be over, but on the other hand I am really looking forward to the class being over. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed it but I feel that we are severely limited in what we can learn without regular exposure to cadavers. I am fed up with the juvenile behavior exhibited by so many people that decide to crash the lab the week before a practical. We all spend a heck of a lot of time in there at those times, but is it REALLY necessary to break models and human bones for the sake of having fun? I think not. I had a couple of friends over today to study for a lecture exam that we have coming up on Thursday. I am seriously behind the ball on this one. Somehow, I need to pull it out by Thursday. I really don't have any doubt that it can be done, it is just a matter of if my mind will cooperate.

I have 2 doctor's appointments this week...or is it 3? Either way, I don't have time for anything outside of school until the semester is over. I know in my heart of hearts that I should also go to see my primary because another doc of mine is concerned about pancreatitis, but I DON'T HAVE TIME! It is 8:55 on Sunday night and while I could be studying, I am not. I am wallowing in self pity and self-disgust. I don't know why, but I know that whatever this is is not healthy.

Please God, help me hold up for 3 weeks.

Falling...

Recent days have been very difficult for me. I can't get myself motivated .. for anything. Mere existence is a huge effort. I haven't dealt with depression like this in quite a while, but I appears my time has come again. Perhaps blogging about this is not exactly wise, but too many people have a sense of shame when it comes to depression and I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, I feel the same way. In fact, if I had given any indication as to who I am, I wouldn't be entering this post. Depression sucks. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and it really didn't surprise anyone. There was enough stuff to deal with that depression was pretty quick to diagnose. I really don't like, nor appreciate when someone seemingly diminishes what another is enduring when it is depression. "The blues" or feeling "down" is something completely different. I have no desire to eat, to talk, you get the picture. I have had it beaten into me by my doctor that no matter what I MUST keep moving and so here I am typing. I would rather be sleeping or staring at the wall. Staring at the wall seems to fit right now.

What I am going through doesn't fit into my friends' schedule. You see, I am supposed to be in a good mood all the time and available at their beckon call. Last night, a friend of mine called and after seeing me obviously not doing well yesterday and despite the fact that I sounded 1. half asleep and 2. horribly out of it she proceeded to begin yapping and crying about how upset she was about some friend's dad dying. This is not a friend I have ever heard of before. In fact, she didn't even hear it from the friend or a friend of the friend. She heard the news from her own mother. But, that is beside the point. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE YOU RIGHT NOW! I AM HURTING HERE AND YOU APPARENTLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S A$$ ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK WHAT IS WRONG. In all fairness, it is not like I would tell you..frankly, I wouldn't know what to say, but please don't call me when I have felt like I am hanging on the the Earth by my toenails and start in like I am in a completely solid frame of mind. I am hurting right now. I am hurting worse than I can express and apparently worse than you understand.

Completing this post has taken me several hours. I don't have anymore, but please be sympathetic if you can't be empathetic. This sucks. Good night.

Breakdown

I don't know that I can do this. I am beyond having serious doubts and am considering what withdrawing will do to my chances of getting into grad school in some other field. I hit the wall last night, but not in the traditional sense. I suddenly became overwhelmed. I was studying what I later found out was an outdated Anatomy chart (how can an anatomical chart be "outdated" if it was done anytime in the latter part of the 20th century?) and I kept naming the deep rotator muscles of the lower limb incorrectly. It wasn't that I kept naming them wrong, but that I couldn't understand WHY! I don't have a problem with stuff typically. Everyone else seemed to have it together. We have our first practical on Thursday. So, I calmly packed up my stuff and left. My friend who was studying with me clued into the fact that something was wrong and asked me if I was ok. I said "yes" and left the room. I was angry, I was scared, I was feeling emotions that I had never felt before. I took off my glasses and crushed them. I presume that she followed me into the hallway as I left the building since she called my husband telling him what had happened and that she had one of my lenses. I broke. For the first time this semester I broke...badly. Today (Tuesday) we are first exposed to the cadavers, maybe I was frightened by that. I know that as I sit here, I am pretty terrified. I am planning to abandon my first row seat to take one in the back for the week. I know, I am a wimp. I should be up there wanting to see everything as closely as possible. But, I am scared. There is no emotional attachment to these people, just sheer fright. Part of me is extremely excited about the opportunity to move toward the goal, to have the chance to see inside the human body. But, the other half of me is petrified - not of what I will see, but how I will react. Will I vomit? Will I faint? (Please God, don't let me faint.) How will those around me react?

I know that these are not thoughts consistent with those of a future doctor and that is why I am reconsidering whether I have what it takes to become one. I have to be very careful though. I know that giving up would throw me into a deep depression without any goal to bring me out of it. Today will tell me a lot. Can I do it? SHOULD I continue? Is this going to be a waste of money for which there will be no return? Why do I want this so badly?