Thursday, September 28, 2006

We'll see...

I am thrilled that it is Thursday. I don't have classes on Friday, so the end of the week is here! This week has been a bit more trying than I expected. I had my Math exam on Tuesday and I don't know that I did as poorly as I had expected. I hesitate typing that because it never brings anything good and we have yet to have the exams returned. So, for now, I will just have to be cautiously optimistic. No one get your hopes's not like I aced it or even got a B. I was expecting to fail. Anything above that is better. I got a few grades back that weren't what I should be getting - far from it. This threw me into a tailspin of anxiety and hopelessness. On Tuesday, I walked into my Human Bio class only to find out that the homework that I done (which was going to be used for the quiz) was completely wrong. I was already in a delicate frame of mind...just coming from the Math Lab where I ended up feeling dumber than usual. When the whole homework thing happened...I left. I couldn't do it. I grabbed my bag and ran out of the room. I spent the next 15 minutes sobbing. Knowing that missing a lecture wasn't going to help my efforts, I walked back in and sat in the back on the floor of the teaching theater. I had a 0/10 on the quiz and that was done. At least I was back in the classroom. While I was outside, I realized how important this whole thing is to me. I have honestly never come face to face with myself that way before. It frightened me. I am sure that encounter with my inner Dr. Underdog didn't help my stress/anxiety level the rest of the week. I had my Chem quiz yesterday and we'll have to see how that turns out. The quizzes are much more difficult than the exams...just as she promised. But, I was trying to get some extra review in and ignored my hunger a little too long. I got to the dining hall and sat down with my food and a huge hypoglycemic episode engulfed me. Not good. It was the second worst one that I have ever had and I was alone. I managed to get it under control with a sugar packet, OJ and Dr. Pepper and, despite my lack of appetite at that point, I munched on a sugar cookie on the way to my next class....which was my Chem exam. Timing is so off! Ugh. This morning, I felt awful again and made it to my class (though 30-45 mins late). Anyway, I am off to Human Bio and will grab something to munch on on the way since I am now petrified.

I am really looking forward to the weekend to clear my head and discuss some feelings with my inner Dr. Underdog who appears to be even more determined to do this than I am.

Over and out.

UPDATE: Somehow....BY THE GRACE OF GOD...I got a 92 on my Math exam. WOO HOO. Seriously, it was God... the class average was 77.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Out for Delivery...

My digital voice recorder that I ordered is out for delivery. Maybe it will help with my Nutrition class. Apparently, if you don't absorb it when she is teaching it, you can forget getting it on the exam. Her exams are killers.

I ordered the Olympus WS-320M...1 gig of memory and up to 277 hours of record time. Which far exceeds the others at 15-30 hours.

Let's see how this thing does recording in a teaching theater.

This has been your technology moment for the day.

Sunday, September 24, 2006


I have 2 exams this week...did I already mention that? I'm sure I did. Anyway, I have spent my day studying. It is really sad when you feel guilty on the days that you don't study and miserably guilty that you didn't study on the other days on the days that you do study. Does that make any sense? I have been sitting at my desk so long hunched over this material that I have a pain along the left side of my torso. Every keystroke is furthering the argument that I should be institutionalized so you may be saying "Then quit blogging!" This is my release. My body is wound so tightly that I am afraid that if I get up from here I will do some freaky unwinding maneuver like those "snake" egg packets that you buy at state fairs and in small town chochky stores. If you don't know what I am talking about, you haven't lived. The best time to experience those is when you are a kid and the fear will be burned into your psyche so deeply that you can identify where every one of your fears originated until the day you die.

So...that's what I feel like. I want so badly not to study, yet still to do decently on my exams that I would actually be willing to get on a plane to avoid it. Going where? I don't care. Now, that is some serious disgust of studying!

My ring of flash cards will grow tonight. I am not sure by how much. But it will. I think I will introduce a new color to my

I am so angry with my shrink too. She led me to believe that she was going to give me some really good stuff to get me through any flight that I scheduled...but she ended up just increasing what I am already on. Should I be angry? Should I feel played or lied to? Or am I just being idiotic and overreacting? This is really a non-issue. As long as it does the trick, I don't care if it is canned dog food. Oh, and if she tells me that she is not my mother ONE MORE TIME...I am going to..

going to...

Damn, I don't know what I am going to do. She has done me WAY too much good to leave and find someone else and on her very worst day she is FAR better than the others I have had. I thought those were good. To an extent. I trust her too much. It has reached that point. Why do I trust her? Because she has never lied to me. Well, until this med thing...unless it isn't actually a "lie." I probably wouldn't even be thinking about it except that it has to do with my ridiculously irrational fears. I gotta get my head straight. Ugh.

I am really looking forward to going to Ann Arbor in a few weeks. Gosh, I can't wait.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Another Class-free Friday...WOO HOO!

This week has been a bit rough. I have been sick since last Saturday and missed the vast majority of my classes this week. Not good. But, I seem to be better today so that is good in light of the fact that I have two exams next week. OH NO! I totally forgot about my Chem exam until right now. Ugh. More studying to do this weekend. I am not totally petrified about it because my prof says that she intentionally makes the quizzes much more difficult than the exams and I have done decently on the quizzes. Not to mention, I have had to study Chemistry for a couple of exams/quizzes this week. In fact, those were the only reason I dragged myself to class on Wednesday. I felt awful...but I wasn't going to put myself in a position to get a zero. Not difficult stuff at this point. Just a matter of putting it together the right way. Easier said than done in all honesty though.

We are joining the church that we have been attending for the last several months this Sunday. We really like it, but they won't quit calling. Anyway, hubby is going to be preaching there again in October.

Well, wrap it up here. I am trying to get dressed ot go run some errands but somehow all of my brushes and my curling iron (which I never use) has gone missing. What is up with that?

TTFN peeps.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Up, UP and AWAY!

Oh WOW. Here's the story...a want to go visit someone that I met via SDN and I have some time to do so in October. The catch? I am horribly afraid of flying. I figured that would be solved by taking the train...which I have recently been introduced to and love. But, the trip is about 20 hours. SO...I sucked it up and decided to fly. I have not flown in 3 years. I made it half of a round-trip last time and returned home by bus...36 hours. Ugh. THAT'S how scared I was. Hubby wasn't too thrilled, but supportive. He should have just knocked me upside the head and thrown me into a seat. I am not scared of terrorism. I am scared of flying. Go figure. I need to get over this fear. Why not now? This is crazy and I feel nuts for attempting this...but I will be thrilled when it is over. The flight that is. I hope that I am able to relax and enjoy the time with my friend and not think about the return trip.

Anyway, I am going to do this. I am looking forward to it. I will also meet a couple of other people from SDN who will be in town for interviews that weekend.

What an awesome few days it will be! Now, Dr. Underdog, all you have to do is get on the friggin' plane.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Wipe that smirk off of my face...I dare you!

I am so thrilled that today is over! I had two exams (both in Bio classes) and I was nuts beforehand. The first one went well...but it was ever bit as difficult as I had expected. The second one was fabulous! I can't wait to see how I did!

These days emotions are strange for me. I am so happy being so "miserable." It sounds funny. But, all I do is study and study some more and dream about knowing things that I studied... not quite the exciting life for most. Yet, I always feel like beaming. It is such an awesome feeling. I am so grateful for this opportunity. I have waited my entire life to say "This is it..." For me, this is it. It doesn't begin in med school. This might as well be the beginning of medical school for me. My performance now is equally (if not more) important than it will be 3 years from now.

While walking on campus yesterday, I had so much I wanted to blog about. Today, right now, sitting here after 2 exams that I have studied for exhaustively...I have no idea what those things were. So, until I remember or the euphoria from knowing that I have my first 2 tests down and the week is over...I am going to surf the 'net and chill. No thinking. Not much studying this weekend. It has been one heck of a week. Chem quiz, Math quiz, Nutrition exam and Human Bio exam. Dude, I am fried...for the moment. But so happy. Dang, I am so happy.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Yadda Yadda Yadda....OY!

I am struggling. The ironic part is that I am not struggling academically, but emotionally as I deal with the academics. I feel old and out of touch. My home work takes me 3 times as long as it should (IMO) and I end up getting stressed out about review material. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and we discussed this. The results from my psycho-educational testing that I had done in June came in and I turned over a copy to her. My reading is a major issue. I am so slow that I am classified as "Borderline." During the 2 days of testing I took numerous tests. (Gee, that sounded intelligent didn't it?? Duh.) I scored Average to Very Superior on everything (including my IQ) EXCEPT for my reading rate. UGH. What is going on in my head? I feel so confused. The Ph.D. who administered these tests witnessed one of my "blank out episodes" and documented it. My doc has never witness one, so it was actually a good thing. But, what it came down to was stress. Stupid. The report said something to the affect "What is most diagnostic however is the incredible standards that Dr. Underdog holds for herself. She constantly stated that she wanted to achieve the highest score possible on all of the tasks presented to her. When she was sometimes told of her very high scores, she denigrated them and felt that she should have done better. This almost perfectionistic stance may have caused her anxiety, and, at times, my have in fact inhibited her natural abilities.....She would benefit from reducing her stress and/or anxiety when learning as this seems to interfere with her ability to learn and retain information."


Ok, it is probably 100% true. But, DUDE! Come on! I have been working on this my entire life...Is there another way?

I have been sitting here stressing over sig figs in my Chem homework. I mean, is there anything MORE ridiculous to stress over? I am working myself up into a frenzy worrying about blowing it on a test. I am attempting not to think too much about anything. This has been my Achilles heel in the past, so I am trying not to let it creep back in. Anyway, last night we discussed methods of how to stop these episodes in which get worked up and blank out. Why do the most common methods sound the most ridiculous? Does she actually think I will employ these successfully??

I had been sitting here for hours doing (stressing about) high school level Chem homework and I got up to go into the other room. I almost freaking passed out. My blood pressure was low for me this morning. I have been dizzy, but nothing unbearable for the most part. I just get that way sometimes. I am in the midst of a Fibro flare, so I am sure that that is a significant part of it. Oh yeah, I don't know if I mentioned that here before. I have Fibromyalgia. It sucks. But, it is better than a ton of other stuff out there. I was diagnosed about 4 and half years ago. It is likely that it is due, in part, to the trauma my body endured when I was assaulted by my former business partner. That's a whole other story. Maybe sometime I will get into it, maybe not. The short of it is...she was greedy and couldn't be satisfied with overwhelming financial success that she never had to work for. Sad. So, she began embezzling from the company. I confronted her, she assaulted me. There ya go..there's the story. I walked away from a multi-million dollar company with nothing but my life. I lived in hiding for over a year. Maybe I have mentioned this before? I don't know. But, now I have Fibro. This flare involves a TON a fatigue and little sleep. The sleep I do get is restless and pretty much useless. It has been a while since I had a flare that resembled this one. Luckily, I don't seem to be experiencing the fog that can be present. I sure hope this goes away soon. I have 2 exams this week and 3 quizzes. I really can't afford this kind of distraction.

Ok, my break is over. I really want to get this Chem homework done tonight so that I can wake up tomorrow without it looming. Seven more problems. Why do I have to care if I get them right???



I want to go to medical school.

Damn you dreams, Damn YOU!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Hodge Podge

Okee Dokee! A short week (due to Labor Day) and my beautiful schedule with Fridays off! I have now been to all of my classes and am thrilled with them. The Biology department somehow appears to have gotten together and scheduled their exams on the same day or at least in the same week. Ugh. What does this mean? I have Nutrition and Human Biology exams always together. Not good. Lots of info...

I am watching this Primetime special on Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) to treat OCD and Depression. This makes me so excited about medicine. Psychiatry and Neurology are so interesting to me. I have no plans to pursue this area of medicine for a variety of reasons, but it is no less fascinating.

This weekend involves a doctor appointment and lots of studying. I have a follow up with my (brilliant) neuro-ophalmalogist next Friday. The trip to JHU is going to be long, but necessary. Thankfully, it will come a day after my Human Bio and Nutrition exams. I can't afford that kind of time away from studying beforehand. Not that one can't study in the car or train or plane or under a rock....but it doesn't work as well for me and I need all the help I can get.

Ok, I really want to get back to watching this show.

Talk to ya later!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Back in Class

I have finished up my first full week of classes. The downside? I added another 2 credits so I still haven't attended all the classes as of yet. I like all of my professors very well and am looking forward to a good semester, but I anticipate that it will be quite challenging. It appears that I may get extra credit in my Human Bio class for my volunteering over at XYZ Cancer Center. Awesome! That will make up for me having to hear everyday about evolution and how she isn't sympathetic to ID or Creationism. I am ok with the fact that she holds a different belief than I do. I just don't want to be reminded every class period about where she stands. I mean, we are not even studying that topic yet. Somehow, she has managed to work it into everything. Again, I am not condemning her beliefs, I am just not appreciate of how it is being shoved down my throat. I feel as if she is using her position for purposes that are not appropriate. If she believed in Creationism or Intelligent Design and was do the same thing, I would still not agree with her abusing her position. Not to cool with that, but she seems to be really enthusiastic about the class and I always enjoy those professors more.

Chemistry is going to be my biggest problem I think. I really need to keep on top of that. I added a 2 hour supplemental course to help me with my Chem class. Hopefully, it will turn out the way that I want it to.

I much reading to do this weekend. I didn't do any studying yesterday since it was our anniversary, so it has been back to the books today. Hopefully, I will get through Human Bio today and perhaps some of Math. I will leave Chem until tomorrow and Nutrition for Monday.

Ok, I need to get back to it...outta here for now.