Breakdown

I don't know that I can do this. I am beyond having serious doubts and am considering what withdrawing will do to my chances of getting into grad school in some other field. I hit the wall last night, but not in the traditional sense. I suddenly became overwhelmed. I was studying what I later found out was an outdated Anatomy chart (how can an anatomical chart be "outdated" if it was done anytime in the latter part of the 20th century?) and I kept naming the deep rotator muscles of the lower limb incorrectly. It wasn't that I kept naming them wrong, but that I couldn't understand WHY! I don't have a problem with stuff typically. Everyone else seemed to have it together. We have our first practical on Thursday. So, I calmly packed up my stuff and left. My friend who was studying with me clued into the fact that something was wrong and asked me if I was ok. I said "yes" and left the room. I was angry, I was scared, I was feeling emotions that I had never felt before. I took off my glasses and crushed them. I presume that she followed me into the hallway as I left the building since she called my husband telling him what had happened and that she had one of my lenses. I broke. For the first time this semester I broke...badly. Today (Tuesday) we are first exposed to the cadavers, maybe I was frightened by that. I know that as I sit here, I am pretty terrified. I am planning to abandon my first row seat to take one in the back for the week. I know, I am a wimp. I should be up there wanting to see everything as closely as possible. But, I am scared. There is no emotional attachment to these people, just sheer fright. Part of me is extremely excited about the opportunity to move toward the goal, to have the chance to see inside the human body. But, the other half of me is petrified - not of what I will see, but how I will react. Will I vomit? Will I faint? (Please God, don't let me faint.) How will those around me react?

I know that these are not thoughts consistent with those of a future doctor and that is why I am reconsidering whether I have what it takes to become one. I have to be very careful though. I know that giving up would throw me into a deep depression without any goal to bring me out of it. Today will tell me a lot. Can I do it? SHOULD I continue? Is this going to be a waste of money for which there will be no return? Why do I want this so badly?