The Thief Strikes Again.

Cancer is about to claim yet another of my those I love. Somehow, after agonal breathing and death seemingly within the hour, my friend whom I wrote about below rallied and has clung to life for 24 additional hours. The family is all there and she has told everyone that she loves them. Perhaps I should back up. Almost 2 weeks ago, she was released from the hospital into the care of hospice because there was nothing more they could do. "Hug a lot, eat and drink anything you want, and get your affairs in order" were the instructions. Hubby and I immediately made plans to travel to San Antonio. We left a few days later. We were down there for a week during which I was able to spend some time with her and say my goodbyes. (Though not in those words.) I thanked her for what she had done for me over the 20 years we have know one another and most of all what she has meant to me. She gave both my husband and I each a pink stone to carry in our pockets think of her and offer a prayer. We all knew that it was to serve a longer purpose. I am so grateful for that time that I had with her. I am so grateful that my wonderfully supportive husband went with me. "Death is a part of the gig" as another cancer survivor friend of mine said recently. It most certainly is. We get the good...and we must bear the end of it. Cancer is a horrible end. A horrible, horrible end.

She has meant so much to me. I always was able to go to her with anything. She was more my mother than my own. I will miss her. Many, many people will. I will never be able to think of so many things without associating them with her. I will carry the rock that she placed in my hand with her own, now weak and somewhat disfigured by the disease that will soon take her, and I will remember all the good. Unfortunately, I have cancer to blame for this one too.

I do have happy things to write about and I will in another post. - My husband and I have decided to try start a family. I have a few challenges to overcome, before we can "get things going" but things are going well. Very well. - For now, please offer a prayer for a smooth transition for my dear friend. I have been. Death is coming...it's already been bad enough.

Too much of a bad thing

I know I haven't posted in a few months. Really, there is no excuse except for I didn't want to write about what was going on. We went down to see my family a few weeks ago and I really wanted to a couple of people while we were down there. One being my friend that I wrote about in the last post. She was tired. That was to be expected. But, she looked great and actually managed to play a couple of games on the Wii while sitting. It was great. Obviously, the whole things is pretty horrible and I wish she didn't have to go through it. Just before we left, another friend of ours was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. There is nothing good about that. And, to top it off, last week our wonderful 115 pound Leonberger who I have mentioned in several previous posts was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, it appears to be very treatable and common. We have an appointment with the surgeon on the 31st of this month. In the meantime, I have been interviewing at the hospital. I had an interview last week, one yesterday and one on Friday. One of these days they will say yes.

Anyway, I am really bummed about all the cancer floating around.

That's about all I have to say today.

Have a good one.

I am in the middle of writing my Developmental Psych paper on the psychological and psychosocial aspects of cancer. Actually, it is more than that, but I am pretty sure that those are the only things he is interested in.

I just got off the phone and found out that a dear friend of mine that I have known for 20 years is dealing with cancer again. It began in her breast 4 years ago and metastasized to her liver and brain. Thankfully, the liver and brain are clear, but now she is back in chemo because of spots in her pelvis. Geez. I am supposed to go down to San Antonio in May and am terrified of the flight. I have been trying to wiggle my way out going, but hearing her on the phone tonight was extreme.

This week has been interesting. A long story, but I no longer have to attend my Developmental Psych class. I will send my paper with a friend on Monday and take my last exam online next weekend.

Sorry, Amanda keeps texting me and it is throwing off my train of thought.

Tomorrow, I go for recertification in CPR. Unfortunately, it will take all day. I need to mow the lawn this weekend too...hopefully I can get it in before it rains. I told hubby that I would do all the mowing and he is responsible for all the weeding. Frankly, I am getting the better deal because we have a heavily landscaped lawn and it is a mess. The lawn is large, but the mower is the one chomping the grass, not me.

One more week and I am finished with my Post-Baccalaureate work! Woo hoo!! On to nursing school. My, my how things have changed. :-)

A few words...

I am sitting here doing homework..well, studying for a Physics exam. Is there any difference? I am having a lot of trouble keeping my mind in the game and my eyes fell to my wrist and the yellow bracelet. It got me to thinking about how when Kate and I were talking and she had noticed that it was once again on my wrist, I mentioned how, along with its obvious purpose, it helped to motivate me to workout and keep going when the effort seemed too much. She asked me "How?" I gave some stupid answer because I have been so forward with my feelings lately that I didn't want to overwhelm her. I have been too honest with my feelings. I didn't want to discuss any of this with her. I wanted to help her..not the other way around. So I gave a cheesy-ass short and shallow answer (that really didn't answer the question) that I have since forgotten. What was the real answer? If I had been honest with her at that moment what would I have said?

"Because someday I am going to have a patient who means to someone what you and all those other wonderful people in my life who have fought cancer have meant and mean to me. I want to be in my best shape, both mentally and physically. That person doesn't deserve anything less than my best."

Perhaps my real answer is as cheesy as the substance-less one I spouted... but at least this one was honest. I have lost 4 pounds. I don't care if it is just a momentary hiccup that went my way. Four pounds is 4 pounds and I have worked for it.

Anyway, I had to get that off my chest. Now it is back to Physics.

More of the same

A friend of mine took the MCAT today...I am sure she did well. (BP, I know you did!) I am not looking forward to taking it in May, but it is a necessary evil.

Thankfully, the school week is over. I have quite a bit of studying to do this weekend, but Fridays always bring about a sigh of relief. I haven't been very successful at keeping Kate off my mind this week. Maybe because I saw her on Wednesday and whenever I do, it is like picking the scab. Anyway, I am really down in the dumps. I am so sad that I am beginning to get angry at her for causing me this pain. Though it is logically stupid and completely off...not to mention inaccurate and selfish, I am actually grateful for the evolution of this emotion. Maybe it will allow me to get away from the sadness. Gosh, the profound sadness. She keeps asking me if I think she is going to die. I don't. I finally asked her.. "Do you think that you are going to die?" Her answer was simple and honest. "It is a possibility." Of course it is a possibility.

Anyway, my struggle is within myself. The sadness. The freaking overwhelming sadness.

I hope that everyone is having a great week and it is topped off with a fabulous weekend.

FREE MUSIC

I have today off and my mind is with Kate. I was watching a YouTube video earlier and ran across a great song by Wideawake. It came out last year. Where have I been? No clue. I was only vaguely familiar with Wideawake. Ok, I may have heard of the group. (I really like their sound and will be listening to more.) Anyway, the song is called "Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow." All proceeds from the sale of this single on iTunes go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Now, go spend a buck (not even) and buy it!

Here is the video to Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow



I'll even go a step further... for the first 50 people that email me their receipt (email: goalmd@gmail.com) from the purchase of "Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow" on iTunes. I will send you a dollar. There, it didn't cost you a thing! The artist has gotten publicity for writing such a great song, the LAF benefits, you got a great song and hopefully will mention it to someone else furthering the cause.

Be sure to put your snail mail address in the email.


And for a bit of perspective....

Livestrong and dying.

I know the "trend" is long gone. I have never been one for trends, nor did I wear it initially because of some "trend" that may or may not have been in existence. Either way, my LIVESTRONG bracelet has been back on my wrist for a couple of weeks now. Classes began on Thursday and I have been able to keep Kate's plight from destroying my concentration so far. I did break down while discussing the situation with a friend of mine. I am having trouble finding a counselor though. I think I may just give up on the idea. Suffer through and learn to deal.

I saw a new ophthalmologist this week...I think I mentioned the fact that I was going to a few days ago. I was sorry to leave my previous one, but the drive is nearly 6 hours one way on an average traffic day. This new one is very nice and apparently quite capable. My Rx didn't change, but I did score a shadowing gig. I was surprised that my eyes hadn't changed, but that is just one more year that I am one step further from blindness. ;) I did opt to get some new frames to give me an optional look. The last time I got new frames, I just got the same ones that I had so that I wouldn't have to go searching for a particular pair...everything was the same. Call me daring...I went "trendy" as my mom said. Whatever. I would love to be able to wear contacts, I really dislike having something on my face especially in hot weather. But, because of the prisms my prescription can not be made into contacts. Weird.


My mom called Wednesday. The memorial service was held that morning. I didn't go for good reason - it is 1500 miles away. Unfortunately, it was determined that Judy was in fact murdered. A horrible ending to a sad, sad, sad life. "Sad" is perhaps not the right word. "Tragic" is more like it. She was not a sad person nor were you in her presence.

Enough. Enough. I really need to stop here. I guess my mind knew it had the opportunity to be sad today and seized it. As pathetic as it sounds, I think I will wrap up here and have a good cry. Sometimes, that is the best thing.

TTFN.

Watch.

A few days ago, I posted a video of Joseph's Lullaby. After looking at the project more and watching a video of a CBC story about it, I found out that there was another video that the public had contributed to. I have found it...finally. Please watch it below. Hope.

Moving on and holding on

I just want to get something straight that I am sure some are thinking...YES, I KNOW THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME! This blog is comprised of MY thoughts and MY feelings from MY perspective so it is not objective in any way. Now, with that out of the way...


I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted, but much better overall. The care package was a huge hit and that made me so happy. Obviously, I saw Kate today. It was a rather tearful encounter, but it wouldn't have been had she not pushed me. I told her repeatedly that I didn't want to talk about how I felt with her because that was totally horrible and unfair. She kept pushing and pushing and PUSHING. So, damn...there it went. She was in a fabulous mood and I really wanted to keep it there. Unfortunately, I think I was overcompensating for feeling so sad by putting on this disastrous front to hide my true emotions. Even I wasn't buying it but couldn't correct in time. Anyway, long story short. Chemo begins September 10, just after radiation ends.

I didn't cry after seeing her today. I talked her briefly on the phone as I neared my house, but it was nothing big.

I am going to try to out this in the back of my mind for a few weeks. I will send her a little note next week just to let her know that we are praying for her, but other than that I really want to keep my mind on school. Funny, through the whole thing today she somehow found a way to relate EVERYTHING to school or medicine whether or not it was related. Go figure. That is so her.

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful role model. Please keep her in your prayers.

We returned today from vacation. While it was a wonderfully relaxing and very special time, I strained to keep Kate off of my mind. I felt selfish doing that. I decided to make a special "care package" of sorts for her so it changed the mood from sad to excited. I called a friend of mine this evening who was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago, endured a double mastectomy, the cancer metastasized, and today the tumors are inactive. I wanted to call and see how she was doing and get her input about items to put into my little pack of love for Kate. She was overwhelmingly helpful with so many different questions I had. What was the "right" thing to do? What was the "wrong" thing to do? Tomorrow, I am heading out to buy some cute PJs, some Werther's Original candies, lemon drops, and Gatorade. Apparently, Werther's are a great thing for stimulating saliva and are one of the few things that my friend was still able to taste while she was undergoing chemo.

I also got word while we were on vacation that a woman, Judy*, that I have known for more than 20 years was found dead on Sunday. Her parents have always been very close friends of my parents until her father suddenly passed away 5 years ago. Her mother remains very tight with my parents. Judy's life was a tragic one. Adopted into an extremely loving home when she was very young (if not an infant), Judy was an only child. Her father doted on her mercilessly. She was rebellious and became pregnant well before we were 20. She went on to 4 children with 4 different fathers. She married a man that turned out to be heavily into drugs. There was already suspicion that she was using, so her choice of partners was not a surprise. Her father called her one day from his car saying that he felt weird. He then died from a stroke on the side of the road. The following year, she awoke to find her husband dead in bed beside her. She died Sunday in much the same way. Two of her children had been put up for adoption as infants, but she leaves behind 2 young boys to be raised by their grandmother who has lost her husband, daughter and son-in-law in a matter of 5 years.

It was a situation in which you could see what was wrong, but despite everyone's best efforts nothing changed. I need to send her mom a card tomorrow. What do you say??? I first met Judy in the 6th grade so I can't claim that I didn't know her. What the heck does something say at a time like this?

*not real name

Damn.

Unfortunately, my intuition was correct. My mentor, Kate* a wonderful person that I care for and appreciate very much, has cancer. A very rare type, so treatment is kind of still up for debate.

She told me today. Actually, I kind of told her. We were talking when she stopped, much like she did almost 2 months ago. I simply looked at her and said "You have cancer, don't you?" She said "Yes." I immediately burst into tears and covered my face. It was a reaction that I have never had before. I knew I had to get myself together. When I managed to lift my head from my hands, I saw her eyes also full of tears. She wanted to know how I had known. "No one knew, how did you?" she asked. The only way I could explain it was "I just did." Not a line full of brilliance or comfort, just the truth. The disgusting truth. How was she feeling when she was told? Was it difficult to tell others or therapeutic? She joked about the wig in her future and how she had wanted to get "big hair" but her family protested. Was all that she was telling me for her benefit or mine? I was hoping it was for her. As much as I wanted to alleviate her pain, was she really as happy-go-lucky about the situation as she would have seemed to have others believe? Had I hurt her with my reaction? What did she want from me? Was I delivering? How could I help?

Cancer is not a new thing for me. I have known many people who have had it, some have lost the battle but thankfully most are winning. My aunt/godmother was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and has now been cancer-free for four years. A dear friend, Monica* was diagnosed with breast cancer which later metastasized to her lungs and brain. She is currently in remission. My father-in-law, whom I never knew, died from 3 primary cancers. Bob*, a guy that I had known for many years as a family friend and then later dated very briefly, unfortunately died of 2 brain tumors. It was a horrible death. A terrible, slow progression capped by a discolored body lying lifeless in an open coffin.

It took me 4 hours to get home because of traffic. I needed every minute of those four hours. I was glad to be alone so that I could cry, think and prepare. What is going through her mind? What is she feeling?

I need to head back to the halls of the cancer center and start volunteering again. It is the place where I feel useful.

You are in my prayers, Kate. I hope you know that.




* not his/her real name