Yadda Yadda Yadda....OY!

I am struggling. The ironic part is that I am not struggling academically, but emotionally as I deal with the academics. I feel old and out of touch. My home work takes me 3 times as long as it should (IMO) and I end up getting stressed out about review material. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday and we discussed this. The results from my psycho-educational testing that I had done in June came in and I turned over a copy to her. My reading is a major issue. I am so slow that I am classified as "Borderline." During the 2 days of testing I took numerous tests. (Gee, that sounded intelligent didn't it?? Duh.) I scored Average to Very Superior on everything (including my IQ) EXCEPT for my reading rate. UGH. What is going on in my head? I feel so confused. The Ph.D. who administered these tests witnessed one of my "blank out episodes" and documented it. My doc has never witness one, so it was actually a good thing. But, what it came down to was stress. Stupid. The report said something to the affect "What is most diagnostic however is the incredible standards that Dr. Underdog holds for herself. She constantly stated that she wanted to achieve the highest score possible on all of the tasks presented to her. When she was sometimes told of her very high scores, she denigrated them and felt that she should have done better. This almost perfectionistic stance may have caused her anxiety, and, at times, my have in fact inhibited her natural abilities.....She would benefit from reducing her stress and/or anxiety when learning as this seems to interfere with her ability to learn and retain information."

Whatever.

Ok, it is probably 100% true. But, DUDE! Come on! I have been working on this my entire life...Is there another way?

I have been sitting here stressing over sig figs in my Chem homework. I mean, is there anything MORE ridiculous to stress over? I am working myself up into a frenzy worrying about blowing it on a test. I am attempting not to think too much about anything. This has been my Achilles heel in the past, so I am trying not to let it creep back in. Anyway, last night we discussed methods of how to stop these episodes in which get worked up and blank out. Why do the most common methods sound the most ridiculous? Does she actually think I will employ these successfully??

I had been sitting here for hours doing (stressing about) high school level Chem homework and I got up to go into the other room. I almost freaking passed out. My blood pressure was low for me this morning. I have been dizzy, but nothing unbearable for the most part. I just get that way sometimes. I am in the midst of a Fibro flare, so I am sure that that is a significant part of it. Oh yeah, I don't know if I mentioned that here before. I have Fibromyalgia. It sucks. But, it is better than a ton of other stuff out there. I was diagnosed about 4 and half years ago. It is likely that it is due, in part, to the trauma my body endured when I was assaulted by my former business partner. That's a whole other story. Maybe sometime I will get into it, maybe not. The short of it is...she was greedy and couldn't be satisfied with overwhelming financial success that she never had to work for. Sad. So, she began embezzling from the company. I confronted her, she assaulted me. There ya go..there's the story. I walked away from a multi-million dollar company with nothing but my life. I lived in hiding for over a year. Maybe I have mentioned this before? I don't know. But, now I have Fibro. This flare involves a TON a fatigue and little sleep. The sleep I do get is restless and pretty much useless. It has been a while since I had a flare that resembled this one. Luckily, I don't seem to be experiencing the fog that can be present. I sure hope this goes away soon. I have 2 exams this week and 3 quizzes. I really can't afford this kind of distraction.

Ok, my break is over. I really want to get this Chem homework done tonight so that I can wake up tomorrow without it looming. Seven more problems. Why do I have to care if I get them right???

Ugh.

Because.

I want to go to medical school.

Damn you dreams, Damn YOU!