Sunday, September 24, 2006

Phhhuuuuuut.

I have 2 exams this week...did I already mention that? I'm sure I did. Anyway, I have spent my day studying. It is really sad when you feel guilty on the days that you don't study and miserably guilty that you didn't study on the other days on the days that you do study. Does that make any sense? I have been sitting at my desk so long hunched over this material that I have a pain along the left side of my torso. Every keystroke is furthering the argument that I should be institutionalized so you may be saying "Then quit blogging!" This is my break....my release. My body is wound so tightly that I am afraid that if I get up from here I will do some freaky unwinding maneuver like those "snake" egg packets that you buy at state fairs and in small town chochky stores. If you don't know what I am talking about, you haven't lived. The best time to experience those is when you are a kid and the fear will be burned into your psyche so deeply that you can identify where every one of your fears originated until the day you die.

So...that's what I feel like. I want so badly not to study, yet still to do decently on my exams that I would actually be willing to get on a plane to avoid it. Going where? I don't care. Now, that is some serious disgust of studying!

My ring of flash cards will grow tonight. I am not sure by how much. But it will. I think I will introduce a new color to my organization...blue.

I am so angry with my shrink too. She led me to believe that she was going to give me some really good stuff to get me through any flight that I scheduled...but she ended up just increasing what I am already on. Should I be angry? Should I feel played or lied to? Or am I just being idiotic and overreacting? This is really a non-issue. As long as it does the trick, I don't care if it is canned dog food. Oh, and if she tells me that she is not my mother ONE MORE TIME...I am going to..

going to...

Damn, I don't know what I am going to do. She has done me WAY too much good to leave and find someone else and on her very worst day she is FAR better than the others I have had. I thought those were good. To an extent. I trust her too much. It has reached that point. Why do I trust her? Because she has never lied to me. Well, until this med thing...unless it isn't actually a "lie." I probably wouldn't even be thinking about it except that it has to do with my ridiculously irrational fears. I gotta get my head straight. Ugh.

I am really looking forward to going to Ann Arbor in a few weeks. Gosh, I can't wait.

1 comment:

Sara said...

I am really looking forward to you coming to Ann Arbor too. :)