Damn.

Unfortunately, my intuition was correct. My mentor, Kate* a wonderful person that I care for and appreciate very much, has cancer. A very rare type, so treatment is kind of still up for debate.

She told me today. Actually, I kind of told her. We were talking when she stopped, much like she did almost 2 months ago. I simply looked at her and said "You have cancer, don't you?" She said "Yes." I immediately burst into tears and covered my face. It was a reaction that I have never had before. I knew I had to get myself together. When I managed to lift my head from my hands, I saw her eyes also full of tears. She wanted to know how I had known. "No one knew, how did you?" she asked. The only way I could explain it was "I just did." Not a line full of brilliance or comfort, just the truth. The disgusting truth. How was she feeling when she was told? Was it difficult to tell others or therapeutic? She joked about the wig in her future and how she had wanted to get "big hair" but her family protested. Was all that she was telling me for her benefit or mine? I was hoping it was for her. As much as I wanted to alleviate her pain, was she really as happy-go-lucky about the situation as she would have seemed to have others believe? Had I hurt her with my reaction? What did she want from me? Was I delivering? How could I help?

Cancer is not a new thing for me. I have known many people who have had it, some have lost the battle but thankfully most are winning. My aunt/godmother was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and has now been cancer-free for four years. A dear friend, Monica* was diagnosed with breast cancer which later metastasized to her lungs and brain. She is currently in remission. My father-in-law, whom I never knew, died from 3 primary cancers. Bob*, a guy that I had known for many years as a family friend and then later dated very briefly, unfortunately died of 2 brain tumors. It was a horrible death. A terrible, slow progression capped by a discolored body lying lifeless in an open coffin.

It took me 4 hours to get home because of traffic. I needed every minute of those four hours. I was glad to be alone so that I could cry, think and prepare. What is going through her mind? What is she feeling?

I need to head back to the halls of the cancer center and start volunteering again. It is the place where I feel useful.

You are in my prayers, Kate. I hope you know that.




* not his/her real name