Saturday, January 03, 2009

More fat talk.

Anger is an issue for me. Not anger at other people, but at myself. How often do we hear no one can be harder on you than you are on yourself. That is me in a nutshell. I get angry when screw up playing tennis when I haven't picked up a racquet in years, I get angry when I look at myself in the mirror and my hair isn't just the way I want, and so often I get angry at myself for being fat. How did I let this happen? Why am I perpetuating it? Especially as we embark on this journey to have a child I am angry that I haven't successfully taken care of it before. I have been overweight for 8 years. I am not proud of that. I am actually disgusted by it. What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no concept of my size. I look at other people and try to get a picture of what I could look like. I ask my husband and best friend how my size compares to someone else. Not because it is a competition, but because I want to be able to look at someone and have some sort of concept of myself. The mirror doesn't hack it and pictures are distorted (if I allow them to be taken).

I am so frustrated with myself. I am so angry about my weight. I am not an ugly person nor do I carry it as poorly as I could (I think). But, the mere number on the scale sends my head spinning. Some peole have equated overweight pregnancy to child abuse. Is that what I am getting ready to do?

No comments: