Thursday, August 16, 2007

Emotional pain, physical hurt.



Why can't I deal with this better? This morning, while talking to my best friend, I recounted all that was going on. I realized what a sad time this is. I was selfishly hoping that gathering this little care package for Kate would be a therapeutic activity, but while walking into Nordstrom I was fighting back tears. It was awful. I spent a couple of hours out shopping for she and hubby. Hubby ended up scoring 6 new ties. His ties really go through the ringer at the hospital. I don't even want to touch them. I forced myself to stay out longer than I wanted to mainly because I know that curling up in bed is not a healthy thing to do. I can't help but feel that I have no right to feel the way I do. Kate herself would lecture me about feeling that way so I have to laugh. I have decided to get a counselor to deal with this. Yeah, it is affecting me THAT much. It is one of those things...you want to get over it, but you really can't stand the thought of being able to ignore it. Classes begin a week from today. This semester will be dedicated to her. She will finish the currently prescribed 6 rounds of chemo about the time I complete the semester. Actually, she will finish chemo as I begin Kaplan. Ha Ha Ha. She has been bugging me to take Kaplan for months. Every time she asks me if I am going to take it and I respond "Yes" (which I always have since it has been the plan all along) she says "Good" and then proceeds to ask me the same question the next time I see her and the opportunity arises. You would think that she owned stock in the friggin' company or something. Maybe she does.

I know I am internalizing this way too much, but it seems impossible to do anything else right now. I have no appetite, I am sad, and have really no desire to talk to anyone. Selfishly, this MUST change SOMEHOW in the next 7 days.

1 comment:

L... said...

You share much emotion in your blog. It really is moving to read your words. Both you and your friend are in my heart and on my mind. Stay strong, and keep blogging. It really helps me to keep my head on straight and get my emotions out in the open. I hope you don't mind if I keep reading...