Today is probably the most depressed that I have been since I began this journey. Reluctantly, I dropped Physics last night. I called Kate and asked her what she thought before I did it and in her "The world is not going to come crashing down" tone she assured me that it was nothing that couldn't be explained away. Either way, my application is looking worse and worse. I actually wanted to hurt myself today. I know that sounds extreme and I know it is not what sounds healthy, but damn it that is how I felt. I am completely stressed out and can't seem to get my head on straight.

A friend of mine got an interview at the med school near me and I am thrilled for her. Don't misunderstand me. Do I wish it were me? Of course, but I think the worst part of it is that she always makes me feel like I am a total loser. Not because of her accomplishments..no one should be faulted for those. But, because she is so ready to agree with me when I mention how bad things are. In fact, it even seems as if she is waiting for me to come to my senses. As if she has been thinking it all along and is just waiting for me to burst out with "I AM A F#*$ING IDIOT! I ADMIT IT. I WILL QUIT LIVING THIS LITTLE LIE." And somehow I feel that it would bring her great joy. What a horrible thing to think. How terrible I am to think it! If it were jealousy that were driving my feelings I could understand, but I just know how stupid I really am. I was hoping that it was my secret, but apparently everyone knows.

I don't hate my life. I actually like it. It's the person living it that I hate.