Fibromyalgia

I have been working very hard to workout at least 5 days/week. Unfortunately, I am having a severe Fibro flare this week and it is knocking me on my a$$. I have to tell you, it is a REALLY bad feeling when the bottoms of your feet hurt to the touch. Not good. That is what Fibromyalgia is. (I am aware that I just ended that sentence with a preposition...so sue me.) If you aren't familiar with FM, check out this segment. I have been really struggling this week to continue my workout schedule. It is nothing big, but I need to keep going. Unfortunately, during times like these, getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment. I usually don't let it ruin me. If I can afford to have the day go to waste...well, then perhaps I will give in. But, I usually feel completely guilty afterward. Either way, typing this is driving me nuts...my hands are hot and swollen. My knuckles are tight. I can't get comfortable. That is probably the thing that makes me the craziest. Good day or bad, I can never get comfortable. There is either too much pressure here or too much pressure there. Really annoying. I try to be super careful when I know I have an exam coming up or something that will require super mind performance and especially when it is timed. I can get so distracted by the discomfort on the best day. I have a high tolerance for pain and am no longer on medication. I am glad of that - most days. I just make quiet accommodations. I don't sit in the middle of a row. I give myself as much moving room as possible. I sit in the front of the class when we are in desks and toward the back on the end of a row when I am in a lecture hall. I am very careful about what I wear to class. Being uncomfortable whether it be my shoes or a belt will ruin my day.

I could go on about this for quite awhile...perhaps convince you to pursue a career in Rheumatology, but my hands are so tight that it is radiating up my arms. I gotta jet. Have a good one!!

TTFN.

Surgery's not for me

I had the opportunity to shadow a Cardiothoracic Surgeon yesterday and today. I really enjoyed clinic, but got pretty queasy during surgery. I am sure the next time I get to see it I will be much better, but I don't think I am interested in surgery as a specialty. Before this morning, I thought it was definitely and interest of mine. The faces in that room were not exactly pleasant. They didn't look happy. They didn't even appear to be enjoying being there. Hum. There is something wrong with that. The doc I was shadowing was the only one that seemed to be enjoying herself, and she was not exactly happy elsewhere. I liked her. I enjoyed my time shadowing her. She hated clinic. I liked it.

Getting nauseated during the surgery was a bummer. I had wanted to like surgery. I didn't. Unfortunately, I didn't even find it all that interesting. Granted, I left before I could really see anything. I was watching from the observation room as a precaution. I was afraid that I may become ill and I didn't want to embarrass myself. Frankly, the nerves were the worst part. I had never witnessed anything like that before. I am glad that I took the pansy's way out by watching from in there. I got to leave when I became really uncomfortable. Anyway, I am glad that I found out now that surgery was not for me. I was really bummed though...that I wasn't enthralled with it. I thought I would be completely wide-eyed. But I wasn't. Hum. Sad.

Office-based practice here I come! :) This may upset many people. Not me. I learned something about myself. I also learned that just because you are the only female and only D.O. surgeon in the cardiothoracic division of surgery - you don't have to be a b**** to be effective or be taken seriously. She's got my respect and apparently a lot of other people's.

A short update

I am convinced that no one is reading this anymore, but that is ok. Apparently, it doesn't bother me seeing as though I continue to write. I know my entry the other day wasn't very verbose...hey, I think the 96% on an ANATOMY FINAL speaks volumes by itself! ;) Anyway, I have been a total slug the last day and a half. Yesterday was devoted to sleeping and Facebook. It was so fun! I located a bunch of people that I grew up with and have known for a hundred years...and my cousin who is attending my alma mater. How strange it is to know that the guy whose mother you helped stand after sitting on a curb while she was pregnant with HIM is now in medical school. So cool, yet so weird. His sister, who I have also known forever is divorced (I went to her wedding)...and the youngest of the 3 is 20. Nothing like that to make me feel old. Oh yes..there is...MY cousin is 21. I held her while she was still in the hospital. OMG.

I am feeling old...and scared...and unsure. That's the worst part. Am I SURE about this? I keep trying to talk myself out of it, but I can't. Is that a good sign or a bad one?

I will be shadowing a Cardiothoracic Surgeon (a D.O.!!!) next week. I am excited, but somewhat nervous.

Let's see, grades...I finished the semester with a 3.5. I may have already said that. Oh well, now you know twice. Geez, I just finished last week and I only have one more week of vacation before I return for summer classes. I am going to an open house at another medical school that I am interested in. It is an osteopathic school. I really prefer that philosophy. Would I turn down an allopathic acceptance? Absolutely not. (Seriously, am I crazy???) Obviously, my first choice is to stay right here in town where I can come home to hubby at night and perhaps maintain some semblance of normalcy. But, it is going to take a lot.

What a disjointed post. Ugh.

96% on my Anatomy final....see ya!!

Spring Semester Over.

The semester is over! My Anatomy final was yesterday and I am anxiously awaiting the grade. I need a B to make a B in the class. I felt like I took care of it on the test, but I never can say for sure until the score is posted. The best thing for me to do would be to forget about until Monday and check then, but I am too anxiety-ridden. Other than not knowing about Anatomy, I got 3 A's and 1 B this semester. Overall, I am pleased. Obviously, I would prefer that the B were an A, but I feel like I put forth a great effort and well...

Wheeeeee.

I am about an hour from attending my last class of the semester. Thank God. I am really ready for it to be over. Now..it is time for finals. I am gaining weight and I really can't figure out why. I am doing more exercise than I typically do and my body usually does strange things when that happens, but this is really ticking me off. Aside from what the scale says, I feel huge. That is probably worse than the number.

Despite the whole weight thing, I am in a really good mood this morning. I wrote my paper for my Biomedical Research class and registered for a class for the summer. I am dressed and ready for class a full 30 minutes before I need to leave. Wow. That never happens. the sun is shining and I am driving the convertible today. I just have good feelings about today. Don't ask me why...I just do.

I still need to make my train reservations for the OPM (www.oldpremeds.org) conference in June. Last year was so much fun and there are even more of my SDN buddies going this year. I am so excited.

I think I have consumed way too much caffeine lately...I am so jittery. I hope she lets us out of class early today. I have no idea what we have left to cover, but my chem prof used every last minute of our final class yesterday so I am not putting it past the Anatomy one to do the same.

I am gonna jet. The day awaits.

Study Break

This is a time when I have absolutely no business putzing around on the 'net. I finally finished a project for First Aid that took the entire weekend and I still have 2 Chemistry assignments (due tomorrow) and a paper for Biomedical Research to write (due Tuesday). I am going stir crazy. I can't stand to sit here at my desk anymore and yesterday I spent the time lying in bed working on my laptop. It has been a gorgeous weekend for weather...obviously I didn't get to enjoy it. Oh well...it is my choice. Thankfully, there was curve on the last Anatomy lecture exam and I have a B in the class. I am waiting for the results of the last practical that we took on Thursday night. I felt really good about it until the last 10 rotations or so. I wasn't completely lost on the last 10, it was just that up until that point I hadn't had any trouble. Anyway, I am still waiting for the results. If I can pull something decent on that, I will feel much better going into the final. I am really upset about the way Anatomy has turned out for me this semester. It is the only class that I am not set up to get an A in...but it is the class that I expected to get an A in. Really bothersome. There is no reason that I shouldn't have done better in there. I know the stuff. I know it. I can make excuses all day long, but when it comes right down to it...I don't know that I can pinpoint what it actually was. Perhaps a combination of a few things, some that I had control over, others that I didn't. I will end up with a 3.7 if all goes as expected through finals. I really don't want to think about grades right now. I am getting too worked up over finals.

My desk is an absolute mess. It looks like my mind feels. I have all sorts of stuff on here...including my dinner plate since I ate while working. I know that some people preach that you should always have a clean and clutter-free desk for maximum whatever. Obviously, that is not the philosophy to which I am subscribing right now. In fact, my entire office is just a sinkhole of mess. Maybe I will try to get it cleaned up before I begin studying seriously for finals. I say "maybe" because I have set so many goals like these before and priorities always win in the end. "Clean the desk or do the homework"...which is going to get me into med school? Certainly not cleaning the desk. I am definitely more a Christina (Grey's Anatomy) than a Meredith. At least when it comes to tidiness. I am always hygienic...just not always tidy. Ok, it is more likely to find my house a mess than clean. Sad, but true. Would I like to have a housekeeper? Sure, but this is one of those things that hubby says we can do ourselves and frankly I don't trust anyone anymore.

Anyway, I am gonna post this and try to work on Chem. If I can just get this one assignment done it would be great. I would only accomplish half of the stuff that I needed to this weekend and need to get creative to get the other stuff done...but I will still feel tremendous relief with this one assignment done.

Ok. Ta-Ta For Now.

This has been a tough week for a variety of reasons. As I lie here typing this, I have ridiculously swollen eyes that caused me to not want to look in the mirror any longer. I have been really down in the dumps...whether this stage of it is depression or just a bad mood I am not certain, but I had a previously scheduled therapy session yesterday in which my doc and I took turns raising our voice to each other. I really couldn't wait to get out of there, but perhaps the fact that I didn't want to be there in the first place and I told her that didn't really set a positive tone. Either way, it is over.

I was thrilled to read this morning that the major project that I have had scheduled due this Monday is actually due NEXT Monday.

It is a gorgeous day here. Hubby was on duty last night so he is napping, but hopefully we will get some stuff done or go biking this afternoon. I am kind of anxious to tackle the trails near our house, but he is not so much of a daredevil when it comes to biking. Don't misunderstand me, I am not a daredevil by nature, but I am not all that afraid of getting hurt on a bike. Perhaps I should be.

Gee, this was a useless post.

4.16.07

This post will come as close to me revealing who I am to those who don't already know.

Campus was very quiet today. Eerily quiet. There was a somberness that was palpable. I do not attend Virginia Tech, but nearly everyone at my university knows SOMEONE who does. My best friend was at VT when the shootings occurred yesterday. As you can imagine, she is visibly shaken.

Regardless of who you are, where you were, what school you attend or your role in life at the current time, it is understandable that this affected you. It affected me. Perhaps I was being hard hearted when I thought it wouldn't. It did. I watched hour after hour of the coverage with my jaw dropped, unsure of what to say. You don't say anything at a time like that I guess.

I need to go right now, I will likely edit this later.

Circling the bowl.

I thought that perhaps the depressive episode that I was experiencing had subsided a bit, but apparently I was wrong. Unfortunately, not only am I dealing with that right now, I am having a fibro flare (I have Fibromyalgia) and anxiety (I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder also) is kicking my A$$ as well. I don't know what the worst part is. The depression is really, really rough but the anxiety makes you want to be flying off the same bridge as the depression. I just need to make it through the next 3 weeks and then I can crumble...for a LITTLE bit. I will only have 2 weeks to spare for any nervous breakdown that my body/mind is thinking about having without my permission. The end of the semester is near...very near. I am thrilled, scared and sad all in the same thought. I have had a wonderful Anatomy lab this semester and I am not anxious for that to be over, but on the other hand I am really looking forward to the class being over. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed it but I feel that we are severely limited in what we can learn without regular exposure to cadavers. I am fed up with the juvenile behavior exhibited by so many people that decide to crash the lab the week before a practical. We all spend a heck of a lot of time in there at those times, but is it REALLY necessary to break models and human bones for the sake of having fun? I think not. I had a couple of friends over today to study for a lecture exam that we have coming up on Thursday. I am seriously behind the ball on this one. Somehow, I need to pull it out by Thursday. I really don't have any doubt that it can be done, it is just a matter of if my mind will cooperate.

I have 2 doctor's appointments this week...or is it 3? Either way, I don't have time for anything outside of school until the semester is over. I know in my heart of hearts that I should also go to see my primary because another doc of mine is concerned about pancreatitis, but I DON'T HAVE TIME! It is 8:55 on Sunday night and while I could be studying, I am not. I am wallowing in self pity and self-disgust. I don't know why, but I know that whatever this is is not healthy.

Please God, help me hold up for 3 weeks.

Don Imus Fired.

I am not going to give my opinion (at least in this post) on the matter of Don Imus's comments regarding the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, suspension and eventual firing. But, I would like to know yours. Come on! Give me your opinion and what causes you to feel/think that way.


Oh... and on the school front.. I received a 100 on my most recent Biomedical Research paper. That makes a 95 and a 100. WOO HOO!

Thanks!

Falling...

Recent days have been very difficult for me. I can't get myself motivated .. for anything. Mere existence is a huge effort. I haven't dealt with depression like this in quite a while, but I appears my time has come again. Perhaps blogging about this is not exactly wise, but too many people have a sense of shame when it comes to depression and I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, I feel the same way. In fact, if I had given any indication as to who I am, I wouldn't be entering this post. Depression sucks. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and it really didn't surprise anyone. There was enough stuff to deal with that depression was pretty quick to diagnose. I really don't like, nor appreciate when someone seemingly diminishes what another is enduring when it is depression. "The blues" or feeling "down" is something completely different. I have no desire to eat, to talk, you get the picture. I have had it beaten into me by my doctor that no matter what I MUST keep moving and so here I am typing. I would rather be sleeping or staring at the wall. Staring at the wall seems to fit right now.

What I am going through doesn't fit into my friends' schedule. You see, I am supposed to be in a good mood all the time and available at their beckon call. Last night, a friend of mine called and after seeing me obviously not doing well yesterday and despite the fact that I sounded 1. half asleep and 2. horribly out of it she proceeded to begin yapping and crying about how upset she was about some friend's dad dying. This is not a friend I have ever heard of before. In fact, she didn't even hear it from the friend or a friend of the friend. She heard the news from her own mother. But, that is beside the point. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE YOU RIGHT NOW! I AM HURTING HERE AND YOU APPARENTLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S A$$ ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK WHAT IS WRONG. In all fairness, it is not like I would tell you..frankly, I wouldn't know what to say, but please don't call me when I have felt like I am hanging on the the Earth by my toenails and start in like I am in a completely solid frame of mind. I am hurting right now. I am hurting worse than I can express and apparently worse than you understand.

Completing this post has taken me several hours. I don't have anymore, but please be sympathetic if you can't be empathetic. This sucks. Good night.

The New Generation...

Over the course my education this time around, I have become acutely aware of the significant differences that exist in the students from 12 years ago to now. I am more aware of how much more students study, or maybe it was just the students that I hung out with just didn't seem to. Unfortunately, I have also been exposed to the stark entitlement issues that students now seem to have. If it isn't THEIR way, it is NO WAY. The good of the group does not compare to the good of themselves. I wish I could accurately describe this in detail, but I can't. For example, if something that a professor says (even if it IS the truth) makes you cry...that is for some reason inexcusable. What? Since when? That is life! If I hear one more girl say "he/she made me cry" or "they almost made me cry" I am going to scream. Apparently, in this new time, if you cry it increases the severity of the offense exponentially. I really do not understand this. Political correctness gone awry. I am not a big fan of political correctness. I never know what to call anyone or how to describe them. Once you figure it out it changes, not to mention it typically doesn't make any sense. I live in a very, very diverse city and my university is even more so. I enjoy diversity...usually. Except when it becomes something of a weapon. Where am I going with this? Gee, I wish I could explain that completely too. Here is the story:

Today, I had Chemistry. About 5 to 10 minutes after the class began, I noticed my instructor pause and look down the aisle and smile...quite noticeably. I know this instructor rather well and this was not a normal expression for her. Not that she doesn't smile - she does and often. But it was more like she was taken aback and then a smile emerged. I thought she was sharing an inside story with someone. Not really a joke, but a story. When I looked back, I saw a girl walking down the aisle of the lecture hall with her say, 2 year old son. They took a seat in the second row center. The kid was adorable to say the least. But, I couldn't understand why someone would walk in late with an obvious distraction and perch in the second row. When I walk into a lecture once the professor has begun speaking, I choose a seat in the back where I will not distract the rest of the class as I traipse to my normal seat. I have been in classes many times when parents were forced to bring their children for one reason or another. Sometimes I am sure it is inevitable. I admire them for the extra effort they go to to get an education. Usually the parents sit in a scarcely populated area of the room or the back and I have never encountered a significant difficulty with this. But, this woman (girl) chose neither. Most kids have been so well behaved you don't even know they are in the room. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. The kid talked and talked and when he wasn't talking the mother inexplicably kept saying "Shh. Shh." The instructor stopped 3 times to shush the child in her most pleasant voice. The mother did nothing. I sit in the front row, center...right in from of the student with the child...I could not hear what the professor was saying. Literally, it was THAT loud. I kept thinking it would stop eventually but 20 minutes later they were still going strong. I thought about leaving. I also thought about asking her to move to the back so I could hear but like I said people have entitlement issues and unfortunately react poorly when these are threatened. Frankly, I didn't want to be beaten up. (I'm serious, this is a violent city.) Eventually, the woman (my friend and a non-trad post-bacc engineering student) sitting next
to me had had enough. I was looking down at my notebook when I felt her hand fly into the air. I decided it was best to keep my head down, which I did. She apologized to the mother but explained to the instructor that she simply could not hear (even from the front row) and felt that children did not belong in this or any lecture hall. (On many syllabi at my univ, children in the classroom are specifically prohibited.) The mother said she would leave. My row mate was not rude, quite polite by my standards actually. My head was still down. Call me a wimp, I don't want to start trouble...hey, I am trying to get into med school here. After the mother and her child had left the room everyone was roaring about how rude my friend had been and how mean it was to say that. I honestly don't believe anyone realized how loud it was (CONSTANTLY) where we were sitting. I defended my friend in front of the class, but it was obvious no one agreed. That student with her child could have made better choices...like sitting in the back. I still think it would have been an audible distraction but at least I would have been able to HEAR the instructor. I am assuming that the rest of the class didn't experience the volume of those 20 minutes because they were behind her. They were not in the complaining student's position, I was, yet they were judging her as if they were. Apparently, this episode has already spread around campus (oh geez). I know this because a friend who was not in class emailed me because she had heard from someone who is NOT in the class, but heard from someone who is. OH MY. I opened my email and found this email from a student in the class. I feel was wrong. Oh, and speaking of "public announcements"...she was heard by only those present...he sent this to EVERYONE enrolled.

Subject: Chemistry: A Healthy Rant...Please Read

TO THE LADY WHO CAUSED THE SINGLE MOTHER TO LEAVE CLASS TODAY:

Lady, I don't know what your name/problem is (nor do I care) but you need to
grow a spine and get over yourself.

(For those of you not privy to whom I am speaking, it is the "older woman,"
sitting in the front of the class, who made a public announcement causing the
single mother with her child to leave class today)

Now I am going to begin this rant....

Lady, you are not the center of the universe. Where as I do understand it
becomes more difficult to learn as age progresses and the child may have been a
faint distraction, what you did today was completely uncalled for. I do not
know if you have children of your own, or what your family status is, but you
did that mother a serious disservice today, and I don't know if you know it,
but you seriously embarrassed yourself as well.

Let me begin by putting this in context, here is a woman who is admirably
trying to get a college education while also taking care of a child. (XXX University) has
basically zero services for student parents, and in attempting to do what is
necessary to further her education, she must bring her child to class. As
such, you decided it was more important for you to hear uninterruptedly (rather
than just read up on chapters of the parts you weren't clear on) and
consequently make a public announcement about how much of a distraction the
child is, causing that single mother to leave.

Completely heartless, ridiculous, immature, and uncalled for...

Not only was the content of your statement completely absurd and uncalled for,
the manner in which you pursued this was entirely childish and basically
ridiculous. If you had so much of a problem, why could you not simply turn
around and approach this mother as an adult and speak to her as a human being
asking her to resolve the situation personally. Rather, you felt it necessary
to "tattle tale and tell teacher" that the child was making it impossible to
learn, via a public announcement. Now imagine how that poor mother felt,...
embarrassed... and who knows what other emotions, and deprived of the same
education which you so obviously also value.

I am ashamed to be your colleague as a student here at (XXX University).

And if I may, TO THE SINGLE MOTHER WHO BROUGHT HER SON TO CLASS TODAY... You are more than welcomed to bring your son to class any day, furthermore, I would
be more than willing to sit with him in the back of the class if necessary, if
that is what it takes for you to come to class and learn. And I am sorry that
some people (as old as they may be) are still not mature enough to treat
situations as adults and in appropriate manners

-(XXX Student)

So, I am interested on YOUR take on the matter. Children in the second row of the classroom...should the students being disrupted leave or should the parent leave? Maybe I am wrong. Let me know what you think.

Over and out,
Dr. Underdog

First Meeting...and other junk.

Today was the first meeting of our new organization, (XXX Univ) Students for Organ Donation. We had a small turn out, but I will take those few with their enthusiasm over a mob of "whatevers" any day. I am encouraged and excited by what we can accomplish with this group. We already have a work day scheduled...NEXT WEEK!

I got my grade from my Anatomy practical... an 80. I guess that isn't horrible considering I completely forgot about the ... the... see, I can't even remember it now!! Ugh. It is on the fourth ventricle...somewhere...and responsible for the production of CSF. Aggh! Why can't I remember it? Some sort of plexus....YES! THE CHOROID PLEXUS. Geez, that was painful. Anyhow, I wrote that it was the central aqueduct. I know, I know brilliant, but hey, it was a guess.

I am really fatigued this afternoon. Not sleepy, just fatigued. The weather is gorgeous, but I always have a bit of a time adjusting to the warmer temps.

A friend of mine, a pre-nursing student, had a major breakdown this morning. I am not convinced that she was not considering suicide, but seems to be doing much better now. It was really horrible. When I finally found out where she was, I practically busted down her door to find her crying in the kitchen. She cried for hours after that. There was so little I could do. She was upset about her grades and it never helps when I get a higher grade than she does on an Anatomy exam. Thankfully, on this exam, I didn't indicate how I thought I had done (frankly, because I didn't know) but she always gets upset when I say that I think I bombed it (which I legitimately think I have) and then end up with a higher grade than she does. She is convinced that it is some horrible thing I am doing to her. I am not trying to. I am answering a question. I scored 20 points higher than her on the lecture exam and 10 points higher on the practical. The sad part is that I think in many cases she is much more prepared for the test than am I. She really shouldn't be getting the grades she is..if you took into account the hours of prep she does. Either way, she had a major breakdown which was topped off by her finding out that she scored a 70. Thankfully (so sad that THIS is the good part) a friend of ours REALLY bombed it so she could concentrate on how much worse it could have been. Somehow, I got her to go to class and the meeting which, sadly, she managed to cry through intermittently. Those days are really rough. I hope she can soon begin to see the brightness ahead. Heck, we only have a month left!

92%. That was my final grade on my last Chemistry exam and I am stoked! I did not study one iota today for ANY subject. Including the Anatomy lecture exam that I have this week, yet somehow I don't feel guilty. Tomorrow, I won't have the luxury of taking a nap. Tomorrow is do or die. I understand this. Perhaps I will go to the library. I have a home office, but I also have a bedroom just down the hall. Somehow, it doesn't work out very well. I am not crazy about libraries either. I prefer a table in a slightly noisy area of the campus...maybe the commons or the food court. I am not sure how that preference evolved, but it is. Hubby is working tomorrow so I won't feel guilty about not being with him during one of those rare weekends when he has off. There will come a time when he must grapple with the guilt of not spending time with me on a rare free day.

I am optimistic today. The rollercoaster of emotion is sickening.

Go away sun...bring in the clouds

Spring Fever is a killer. I am trying to write a paper on Ethics in Biomedical Research and I can't keep my head in the game. Terrible, absolutely terrible. Perhaps it has something to do with the gorgeous day that I am missing? I am stressed about my Anatomy practical this week. Geez! I have an exam in CPR tomorrow that I can't imagine could be very difficult, but who knows - it will be our first one in there. I haven't paid much attention to that class with the exception of 3 papers, and with the recent changes to the ARC's CPR protocol, I am a little lost. It's pretty far from rocket science, but if I don't know it by tomorrow night I am in trouble. So, I guess I should actually crack the book. This weekend has gone by WAY too fast and I am not ready to go back to class. I am SO over school, but somehow I can't bring myself to leave. Hummmm. Interesting and disturbing at the same time. I wish it would just get cold and dreary for another 6 weeks until the semester is over. This nice weather is going to be the death of me. Hubby went for a walk in the park this afternoon and has been watching basketball upstairs since we returned from church. He is in a Masters program. C'mon Dr. Underdog! There are other things that are much easier than this! I have one paper after this one left in my Biomedical Research class. Usually, I don't mind papers, but I feel like a total moron in that class. I have an A, but none the less I feel like a complete imbecile.

The Chem exam that I got an 85 on will soon be changed to a 92 due to some extra credit on Wednesday. I can't wait.

Ok, I gotta get outta here.

Not going back

Today was a rarity. Since I dropped my PreCalc class, I am finished at 11 am on Wednesdays. I came home, watched TV and took a nap! It was great. The guilt of not studying was killing me but somehow I ignored it until I become unconscious. Today was a wonderful day. We had a Chem exam...you know the one that was supposed to be a quiz??? Yesterday, I was COMPLETELY and TOTALLY lost on the material. But, after studying with a fellow non-trad (Engineering) I was ready and pulled an 85!! Woo hoo! The class average was 63 so I am quite pleased.

This whole prep process can be extremely roller-coateresqe. This morning, I was convinced that I was going to need to find another career path. This afternoon, I am a bit more optimistic. Not that an 85 is going to get me into med school, but it is not a C either. The fact of the matter is that I have been out of my former career long enough that I can't go back and, as my husband points out, I really don't want to. True. Very true. So, whether every med school (allo and osteo) in the country turns me down or not, I am not returning to my previous life. Which, in itself is amazingly relieving. Weird. I never have really considered it like that before.

Long road, short attention span.

I did not study all week during Spring Break like I told myself I would. I was busy and sick for the first 3 days and then I finally (slowly) got to it. But, WHOA! I can't keep my mind on it. Today, I started early...well, relatively early..it was still the morning and have been working ever since. The thing is that I have had to bribe myself with short breaks every 20 minutes or so to keep going. AGGH! I got a substantial amount of work done today, but geez...how frustrating. I guess tomorrow will be more of the same.

I am really not looking forward to returning to classes on Monday. I do not understand what is going on in Chem and my prof has completely lost her cool with the class. Granted, the class is horrible. This is the worst group of students that I have ever been with. Really, it is bad. But, I feel like asking a question that she feels that I should understand may just get my head bitten off. Yikes. I am trying to find a private tutor. My univ has free tutoring, but I want someone who can follow along with me as I go through the class(es) rather than going into random people and them asking "So, what don't you understand?" I have always thought that was the worst question someone could ask. If I understood enough to tell you that I don't understand it, then I wouldn't NOT understand it!! Seriously, I know that sounds stupid, but if I can go in and tell you that I am lost at concept 6, that means that somewhere along the way I fell off the wagon in concepts 1-5. I don't know where, I don't know why. You can explain that to accomplish concept 6, I must do X, Y, and Z, but if I don't understand where you are getting X,Y, and Z how to identify that I need to apply concepts 1-5, isn't that a problem that simply brings us back to the beginning? So, that is my reason for looking for a tutor rather than using univ services. I am all about going to free supplemental instruction sessions for Anatomy and such...it is very helpful, but I need more in Chem. It doesn't come naturally...it doesn't even come artificially. I am hurting here!

The NCAA tournament has kept hubby entertained this weekend and in my effort to be with him this evening, I have contorted myself into extremely unnatural positions in a recliner with my 500 pound Anatomy book...I am sure that I will be paying for that in the morning.

I keep trying to think of something that would satisfy me as much as medicine. This is, being a physician. I can't. I actually wish that I could, I would love a shorter road. But, I guess the alternative isn't meant to be and hopefully that means that I am on the right right road. It sure feels like it. WEEEEEEEEEEIRRRRRD!

Since I am doing such a darn good job putting off returning to the anatomy lab, I thought I would make my presence known here. I am on Spring Break. This has easily been the most boring Spring Break ever as it was simply filledwith things that had to get done. I have 3 huge exams when I go back to classes and I am not ready for them...hence the whole anatomy lab thing. I was there earlier and need to spend some more time staring at bones. Gee, fun. I have been sick most of the week which has been a downer, but not the end of the world. Unfortunately, I felt so bad that I was unable to study (or do anything for that matter)..so I am trying to catch up. My parents came last week... um, well...I'll talk about that another time.

I suddenly have the urge to go do dishes and rush off to the lab. LOL

Not a good day to be this student.

Today has not been a good day in the academic life of this post-bacc student. I had a Chem quiz this morning at 8 which was actually quite a bit easier than I anticipated. I spent somewhere in the vicinity of 7 hours studying yesterday for my PreCalc (yes, wussyPRECalc) exam. I knew I had to do well since I bombed the first one. I thought I was at least decently prepared. Is studied until nothing else was going in. Beyond that point, work is fruitless. Unfortunately, I got in the today and forgot everything I knew. I don't know if my test anxiety has returned or what, but this is the second time that it has happened in this class. the REALLY unfortunately part about it is that we have only had 2 exams. So, I had to do what I swore I never would...I dropped it. I am so angry. A friend of mine was doing the whole "Have you talked to your prof?" thing. About what??? If I ace the remaining tests, I still only have a shot at a high C, low B...and the chances of my acing ANYTHING in that class seem to be pretty slim (judging from the brilliance I have exhibited so far.) The class is dropped. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Now, I am concerned that checks for the pre/co reqs for Chem haven't been done and I will be booted out of there. I actually still have a more than decent chance in there!! Additionally, a bunch of trivial things have happened that just didn't make the day any better.

This is a lot of work and I am so disappointed in myself. :(


EDIT:
Actually, this is not as much of an "edit" as it is an addendum. Hubby and I went grocery shopping and I came into my office to putz around a bit before jumping into Anatomy. I checked Blackboard for any updates on my grades. Um...yeah...the day just got significantly better!

I turned in a major paper in Biomedical Research (which sounds more impressive than it really is) and the grades were finally posted...the class average was 83.71. I got a 95!! Couple that with the 98 I got on my major paper in First Aid/CPR (my fluff classes are so much work!) and I am a happy camper.

As I mentioned above,we took a Chem quiz this morning. The average was a 10.42/20. Ugh. I got a 14. While it is not great, I am thrilled that I scored so much higher than the average...especially since I spent all of my time studying for that stupid PreCalc exam that defeated me today. Don't misunderstand me, I am not gauging accomplishment based upon my classmates, but it is a good benchmark by which to judge the "difficulty" of the material and how well I am understanding it. When you have 200 other people that have listened to the same lectures taking the same quiz, their score are not inconsequential.

Either way, today just got better! Whew!