Looking Up!

I am feeling really good today..definitely a lot more like myself. Kate and I had a conversation yesterday and somehow it really helped. I knew that I had to get out of this rut and well...(knock on wood) it seems to be subsiding. Seeing her yesterday was pretty difficult though. Her hair has begun to thin and her skin appears a bit gray.

Anyway, Thursday I have my first big Chemistry exam. Thankfully, this change in emotion/mindset came just in time. Unfortunately, I have to learn 4 weeks worth of Chemistry in about 4 days. I have not been able to concentrate and my retention has been pretty much nil. I will be able to do it...somehow. Chemistry is fun when you know what you are doing. I gave up on actually understanding anything, but have become a master regurgitator of class material which is probably why Anatomy was so enjoyable. I mean besides the fact that I just love Anatomy. What actually happens in the 3rd and 4th ventricle? Geez, I don't think I ever got that down. But, they look like sea animals!

Ok, gotta jet...yes, that was abrupt. ;)

Universal health care and other things that look good on paper

Today was a decent day. I was kinda bummed that my back hurt all day and today was lab (and therefore STANDING) intensive but I got through it anyway. I wasn't sure when exactly that Kate was going to end up beginning her first round of chemo, but we exchanged emails this afternoon. Apparently, it began a week later than originally scheduled..so that was yesterday and she said that she has 15 hours left. She indicated it was going well so I am glad.

I can't express how thrilled I am with my friend who turned out to be my Chem lab partner! It is so much fun to go to that class. It could be such a drag, but we laugh so much. Not to mention, she is intelligent so I am not having to question whether or not her analysis is accurate because she doesn't care. I hate that. I guess I WAS that person the first time around, but things have been very different this time.

I finally got the notes over to Disability Services for my student. I have been a volunteer notetaker for a couple of semesters for 2 different students with learning disabilities. I may have mentioned that. Anyway, it is nothing earth-shattering, I just take clearer notes and have to go make copies of them at least once a week. I was feeling so bad on Friday (when I usually take care of that) that I ended up abandoning the effort altogether. Yesterday wasn't much better, but today I am thrilled to say that the notes are waiting for my classmate. Part of the whole thing is that it is confidential, so while it would be a lot easier to just hand the notes to the guy in class (yes, I know who he is), I have to trek over to the official office and deposit them there.

Universal healthcare...hum. A lot of people have been discussing this with me lately. What do I think? Does it matter? Here's my ineloquent, if not ignorant, take on the matter... Do I think that we some form of health coverage for everyone..ABSOLUTELY. Do I think that the government should resort to a socialist form of care...ABSOLUTELY NOT. Here's the deal, I see the crap that my docs have to go through to get paid by my health insurance company and I have excellent coverage. I see on my EOBs that are sent to me what kind of pitiful sum they are paid to see me. I know that I have taken well more of their time than what they are paid for. There is a huge misconception that doctors make too much money and that the problem lies with the medical community. I strongly disagree. Why is it that we can handle athletes and CEOs of companies making manifold what docs make and yet fail to consider the fact that physicians must pay exhorbiant malpractice fees, very high education costs (which many are still paying off >10 years later), staff salaries (God forbid someone have to wait longer than they want), equipment costs (because we all want the latest technology...or at least something from the 20th century), they work WAY more than people give them credit for (call the doc because you have a question..they don't get paid for that...no insurance billing code...how many of those questions even if not directly from your mouth do they have to field in a day in between 30-50 patients to be seen in 15 minute increments) and all done for (in my experience) 25-75% of what they actually charge. Are their fees excessive? We will take my pulmonologist as an example, he went through 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, and 5-6 years of internship/residency. By that time many new doctors are >$200K in debt compounding interest constantly. After all of that time, how much would you say that YOUR time would be worth? Then add on all the things mentioned above which just make it possible for a physician to provide adequate care for patients.

I don't expect to make a lot as a doctor. I will be 43 when I complete residency and then have the joy of paying back all the loans. I will likely never own my own practice. Perhaps group or hospital based practice will be for me. I have nothing to gain by saying that government run universal health care is a bad idea, except the opportunity to care for my patients in the best way possible. If the government wants to get involved then it should pay private insurance companies to cover every citizen of the U.S. and then it needs to make sure that the insurance companies are making good on their obligations to the patient and the doctor.

The last 2 questions...Do I think we will have universal health care in the U.S. in the next 10 years? Yes. Do I believe that it will be a good system? No.

TTFN.

Chemistry and other reasons to become emotional

Today wasn't a good day. I hate sounding like I am constantly complaining. I don't tell people around me what is going on typically. Occasionally, when I have had too much and my functioning is obviously being affected, I will give a clue what it is about when asked. I cried through Chemistry again today. Unfortunately, today was worse than Friday. Why Chem? I don't know. But, it is such a small class that hiding my tears is really difficult - especially since the professor knows me so well and regularly makes eye contact with me. Today, it was just a matter of looking down and suffering. I kept sniffling to keep my nose from running down my face, but that simply made the situation worse. I considered leaving, but we are so smashed in there that getting up and exiting through the only door (at the front of the room) would have called much too much attention to myself. So, for 50 minutes I did a miserable job of fighting the tears. I couldn't stop them. I am tired of feeling this way. I am angry that it is having such a horrible affect on my studies. I would really like to drop out of school for the semester but it is not an option so I just need to buckle down and get it done. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to have such an impact on me...I can't believe that I have allowed it to affect me this much. Damn it. Tonight, a friend of mine came over to workout. Unfortunately, I began having chest pain and became dizzy shortly before she got here. Luckily (I suppose), she is a cardiac nurse and became concerned. I attribute it to nothing more than stress and emotional overload. My BP was fairly normal and my pulse was completely normal. I'm not dead...I guess that is a good sign.

Anyway, tomorrow in the life of this post-bacc student includes Physics Lab and Chem Lab. Physics Lab is never exactly "fun" considering that I am having trouble conceptualizing what the heck is going on in there. But, Chem lab is nothing short of a joke. I have a fabulous lab partner and the write up is the most time consuming part. I began a new painting a couple of days ago. Obviously, it not complete...nowhere close. But...the camera is here and so:

I really should be studying. Guess what? I am not. I am SO not in the mood. I have a Chemistry exam next week. Hopefully, she will post the mock exam soon. Those are always so helpful. If you can do the problems on that, you are in great shape for the exam. Usually, the actual thing is just the mock with different numbers. This professor really does want her students to succeed and it is so obvious. I don't know why though. Last semester, my class was so awful. Had I been her, I would have wanted to fail all of us...for no other reason than guilt by association with the others in the class then never returned. This is the fourth time I have had her...for a variety of Chem classes. Definitely the best prof I have ever had. Perhaps not the easiest, but the best. I feel like I have learned something after her courses. I actually feel smarter...like I am prepared for the next thing. I can't say that I feel that way with the vast majority of my other classes.

Anyway, I am going to grab an apple downstairs and maybe get a back massage from hubby. Until next time...be safe.

Dr. Underdog

Study Break

This is a time when I have absolutely no business putzing around on the 'net. I finally finished a project for First Aid that took the entire weekend and I still have 2 Chemistry assignments (due tomorrow) and a paper for Biomedical Research to write (due Tuesday). I am going stir crazy. I can't stand to sit here at my desk anymore and yesterday I spent the time lying in bed working on my laptop. It has been a gorgeous weekend for weather...obviously I didn't get to enjoy it. Oh well...it is my choice. Thankfully, there was curve on the last Anatomy lecture exam and I have a B in the class. I am waiting for the results of the last practical that we took on Thursday night. I felt really good about it until the last 10 rotations or so. I wasn't completely lost on the last 10, it was just that up until that point I hadn't had any trouble. Anyway, I am still waiting for the results. If I can pull something decent on that, I will feel much better going into the final. I am really upset about the way Anatomy has turned out for me this semester. It is the only class that I am not set up to get an A in...but it is the class that I expected to get an A in. Really bothersome. There is no reason that I shouldn't have done better in there. I know the stuff. I know it. I can make excuses all day long, but when it comes right down to it...I don't know that I can pinpoint what it actually was. Perhaps a combination of a few things, some that I had control over, others that I didn't. I will end up with a 3.7 if all goes as expected through finals. I really don't want to think about grades right now. I am getting too worked up over finals.

My desk is an absolute mess. It looks like my mind feels. I have all sorts of stuff on here...including my dinner plate since I ate while working. I know that some people preach that you should always have a clean and clutter-free desk for maximum whatever. Obviously, that is not the philosophy to which I am subscribing right now. In fact, my entire office is just a sinkhole of mess. Maybe I will try to get it cleaned up before I begin studying seriously for finals. I say "maybe" because I have set so many goals like these before and priorities always win in the end. "Clean the desk or do the homework"...which is going to get me into med school? Certainly not cleaning the desk. I am definitely more a Christina (Grey's Anatomy) than a Meredith. At least when it comes to tidiness. I am always hygienic...just not always tidy. Ok, it is more likely to find my house a mess than clean. Sad, but true. Would I like to have a housekeeper? Sure, but this is one of those things that hubby says we can do ourselves and frankly I don't trust anyone anymore.

Anyway, I am gonna post this and try to work on Chem. If I can just get this one assignment done it would be great. I would only accomplish half of the stuff that I needed to this weekend and need to get creative to get the other stuff done...but I will still feel tremendous relief with this one assignment done.

Ok. Ta-Ta For Now.

The New Generation...

Over the course my education this time around, I have become acutely aware of the significant differences that exist in the students from 12 years ago to now. I am more aware of how much more students study, or maybe it was just the students that I hung out with just didn't seem to. Unfortunately, I have also been exposed to the stark entitlement issues that students now seem to have. If it isn't THEIR way, it is NO WAY. The good of the group does not compare to the good of themselves. I wish I could accurately describe this in detail, but I can't. For example, if something that a professor says (even if it IS the truth) makes you cry...that is for some reason inexcusable. What? Since when? That is life! If I hear one more girl say "he/she made me cry" or "they almost made me cry" I am going to scream. Apparently, in this new time, if you cry it increases the severity of the offense exponentially. I really do not understand this. Political correctness gone awry. I am not a big fan of political correctness. I never know what to call anyone or how to describe them. Once you figure it out it changes, not to mention it typically doesn't make any sense. I live in a very, very diverse city and my university is even more so. I enjoy diversity...usually. Except when it becomes something of a weapon. Where am I going with this? Gee, I wish I could explain that completely too. Here is the story:

Today, I had Chemistry. About 5 to 10 minutes after the class began, I noticed my instructor pause and look down the aisle and smile...quite noticeably. I know this instructor rather well and this was not a normal expression for her. Not that she doesn't smile - she does and often. But it was more like she was taken aback and then a smile emerged. I thought she was sharing an inside story with someone. Not really a joke, but a story. When I looked back, I saw a girl walking down the aisle of the lecture hall with her say, 2 year old son. They took a seat in the second row center. The kid was adorable to say the least. But, I couldn't understand why someone would walk in late with an obvious distraction and perch in the second row. When I walk into a lecture once the professor has begun speaking, I choose a seat in the back where I will not distract the rest of the class as I traipse to my normal seat. I have been in classes many times when parents were forced to bring their children for one reason or another. Sometimes I am sure it is inevitable. I admire them for the extra effort they go to to get an education. Usually the parents sit in a scarcely populated area of the room or the back and I have never encountered a significant difficulty with this. But, this woman (girl) chose neither. Most kids have been so well behaved you don't even know they are in the room. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. The kid talked and talked and when he wasn't talking the mother inexplicably kept saying "Shh. Shh." The instructor stopped 3 times to shush the child in her most pleasant voice. The mother did nothing. I sit in the front row, center...right in from of the student with the child...I could not hear what the professor was saying. Literally, it was THAT loud. I kept thinking it would stop eventually but 20 minutes later they were still going strong. I thought about leaving. I also thought about asking her to move to the back so I could hear but like I said people have entitlement issues and unfortunately react poorly when these are threatened. Frankly, I didn't want to be beaten up. (I'm serious, this is a violent city.) Eventually, the woman (my friend and a non-trad post-bacc engineering student) sitting next
to me had had enough. I was looking down at my notebook when I felt her hand fly into the air. I decided it was best to keep my head down, which I did. She apologized to the mother but explained to the instructor that she simply could not hear (even from the front row) and felt that children did not belong in this or any lecture hall. (On many syllabi at my univ, children in the classroom are specifically prohibited.) The mother said she would leave. My row mate was not rude, quite polite by my standards actually. My head was still down. Call me a wimp, I don't want to start trouble...hey, I am trying to get into med school here. After the mother and her child had left the room everyone was roaring about how rude my friend had been and how mean it was to say that. I honestly don't believe anyone realized how loud it was (CONSTANTLY) where we were sitting. I defended my friend in front of the class, but it was obvious no one agreed. That student with her child could have made better choices...like sitting in the back. I still think it would have been an audible distraction but at least I would have been able to HEAR the instructor. I am assuming that the rest of the class didn't experience the volume of those 20 minutes because they were behind her. They were not in the complaining student's position, I was, yet they were judging her as if they were. Apparently, this episode has already spread around campus (oh geez). I know this because a friend who was not in class emailed me because she had heard from someone who is NOT in the class, but heard from someone who is. OH MY. I opened my email and found this email from a student in the class. I feel was wrong. Oh, and speaking of "public announcements"...she was heard by only those present...he sent this to EVERYONE enrolled.

Subject: Chemistry: A Healthy Rant...Please Read

TO THE LADY WHO CAUSED THE SINGLE MOTHER TO LEAVE CLASS TODAY:

Lady, I don't know what your name/problem is (nor do I care) but you need to
grow a spine and get over yourself.

(For those of you not privy to whom I am speaking, it is the "older woman,"
sitting in the front of the class, who made a public announcement causing the
single mother with her child to leave class today)

Now I am going to begin this rant....

Lady, you are not the center of the universe. Where as I do understand it
becomes more difficult to learn as age progresses and the child may have been a
faint distraction, what you did today was completely uncalled for. I do not
know if you have children of your own, or what your family status is, but you
did that mother a serious disservice today, and I don't know if you know it,
but you seriously embarrassed yourself as well.

Let me begin by putting this in context, here is a woman who is admirably
trying to get a college education while also taking care of a child. (XXX University) has
basically zero services for student parents, and in attempting to do what is
necessary to further her education, she must bring her child to class. As
such, you decided it was more important for you to hear uninterruptedly (rather
than just read up on chapters of the parts you weren't clear on) and
consequently make a public announcement about how much of a distraction the
child is, causing that single mother to leave.

Completely heartless, ridiculous, immature, and uncalled for...

Not only was the content of your statement completely absurd and uncalled for,
the manner in which you pursued this was entirely childish and basically
ridiculous. If you had so much of a problem, why could you not simply turn
around and approach this mother as an adult and speak to her as a human being
asking her to resolve the situation personally. Rather, you felt it necessary
to "tattle tale and tell teacher" that the child was making it impossible to
learn, via a public announcement. Now imagine how that poor mother felt,...
embarrassed... and who knows what other emotions, and deprived of the same
education which you so obviously also value.

I am ashamed to be your colleague as a student here at (XXX University).

And if I may, TO THE SINGLE MOTHER WHO BROUGHT HER SON TO CLASS TODAY... You are more than welcomed to bring your son to class any day, furthermore, I would
be more than willing to sit with him in the back of the class if necessary, if
that is what it takes for you to come to class and learn. And I am sorry that
some people (as old as they may be) are still not mature enough to treat
situations as adults and in appropriate manners

-(XXX Student)

So, I am interested on YOUR take on the matter. Children in the second row of the classroom...should the students being disrupted leave or should the parent leave? Maybe I am wrong. Let me know what you think.

Over and out,
Dr. Underdog

Not going back

Today was a rarity. Since I dropped my PreCalc class, I am finished at 11 am on Wednesdays. I came home, watched TV and took a nap! It was great. The guilt of not studying was killing me but somehow I ignored it until I become unconscious. Today was a wonderful day. We had a Chem exam...you know the one that was supposed to be a quiz??? Yesterday, I was COMPLETELY and TOTALLY lost on the material. But, after studying with a fellow non-trad (Engineering) I was ready and pulled an 85!! Woo hoo! The class average was 63 so I am quite pleased.

This whole prep process can be extremely roller-coateresqe. This morning, I was convinced that I was going to need to find another career path. This afternoon, I am a bit more optimistic. Not that an 85 is going to get me into med school, but it is not a C either. The fact of the matter is that I have been out of my former career long enough that I can't go back and, as my husband points out, I really don't want to. True. Very true. So, whether every med school (allo and osteo) in the country turns me down or not, I am not returning to my previous life. Which, in itself is amazingly relieving. Weird. I never have really considered it like that before.

Long road, short attention span.

I did not study all week during Spring Break like I told myself I would. I was busy and sick for the first 3 days and then I finally (slowly) got to it. But, WHOA! I can't keep my mind on it. Today, I started early...well, relatively early..it was still the morning and have been working ever since. The thing is that I have had to bribe myself with short breaks every 20 minutes or so to keep going. AGGH! I got a substantial amount of work done today, but geez...how frustrating. I guess tomorrow will be more of the same.

I am really not looking forward to returning to classes on Monday. I do not understand what is going on in Chem and my prof has completely lost her cool with the class. Granted, the class is horrible. This is the worst group of students that I have ever been with. Really, it is bad. But, I feel like asking a question that she feels that I should understand may just get my head bitten off. Yikes. I am trying to find a private tutor. My univ has free tutoring, but I want someone who can follow along with me as I go through the class(es) rather than going into random people and them asking "So, what don't you understand?" I have always thought that was the worst question someone could ask. If I understood enough to tell you that I don't understand it, then I wouldn't NOT understand it!! Seriously, I know that sounds stupid, but if I can go in and tell you that I am lost at concept 6, that means that somewhere along the way I fell off the wagon in concepts 1-5. I don't know where, I don't know why. You can explain that to accomplish concept 6, I must do X, Y, and Z, but if I don't understand where you are getting X,Y, and Z how to identify that I need to apply concepts 1-5, isn't that a problem that simply brings us back to the beginning? So, that is my reason for looking for a tutor rather than using univ services. I am all about going to free supplemental instruction sessions for Anatomy and such...it is very helpful, but I need more in Chem. It doesn't come naturally...it doesn't even come artificially. I am hurting here!

The NCAA tournament has kept hubby entertained this weekend and in my effort to be with him this evening, I have contorted myself into extremely unnatural positions in a recliner with my 500 pound Anatomy book...I am sure that I will be paying for that in the morning.

I keep trying to think of something that would satisfy me as much as medicine. This is, being a physician. I can't. I actually wish that I could, I would love a shorter road. But, I guess the alternative isn't meant to be and hopefully that means that I am on the right right road. It sure feels like it. WEEEEEEEEEEIRRRRRD!

Christmas

Ten days into the break between semesters. Ahh. Next semester scares me for a variety of reasons. I need to do well. I need to do better than I did this semester, but with less time and more classes. Yikes. Anyway, I am trying to put the stress out of my mind for another 3 weeks. I need to hit the Chem and Anatomy books before returning to maximize my chances of not falling behind.

This has been an emotional holiday season. This was the first year that my husband and I actually "celebrated" to any extent. Three years of taking care of his chronically, then terminally ill mother followed by one year of not caring about anything (I wanted to, but it was impossible) puts one in a confusing position. But this was the year that we were going to get into the groove. Start our own traditions (perhaps a combinations of each other's from years passed) and begin again. So, we began with the tree. We bought a real Christmas tree since both of us grew up with artificial ones. It is a gorgeous 9.5 footer that our dogs love to sit at the foot of for hours on end. We stuffed stockings and gave gifts. We went to church (ok, so that part never died) on Christmas Eve. Growing up in Texas, my family always had the tradition of eating tamales and chili on Christmas Eve after church. So, I found this place in town that sells tamales, bought some and made veggie chili. It was good. Unfortunately, the tamales were Peruvian style and not Mexican so there were big hunks of meat in the center instead of the shreds that I prefer. But, that was ok...my favorite part is the corn (masa) anyway and that was REALLY good. My husband's family had a tradition of eating oyster stew for breakfast on Christmas morning. The idea just grosses me out, so I should have known that the actual consumption would do worse. I tried. It was completely disgusting. I seriously did not make it through one spoonful. I thought I was going to puke. But, there he was..happy as a clam slurping his oyster stew. Eww. Since it was just the two of us, I made roasted cornish game hens, cranberry relish, rolls (ok, I bought those), green beans, and stuffing. I was pleased with the way everything turned out. My in-laws are both gone, so I can only imagine how difficult the day actually was for my husband. Holidays are always confusing for me. I never know quite what to say to him. I always ask how he is feeling and try to give him the opening to talk if he wants, but he never seems to want to so I let it go. Our mothers have the same birthday. December 26th. So, that is a double doozie for him.

I think I wrote sometime back about how my mom and I are pretty estranged and then how she recently wrote me a letter apologizing for many things. I had said that I would address the letter after finals. So, I did. But, then she called. I ended up telling her what I wanted to on the phone. She didn't interrupt. She didn't disagree. I would REALLY like to think that she has changed. We spoke several times in a few days and I even considered going down there since I don't have to be back in class for another 3 weeks. But, I don't fly. I am very upset about it and REALLY want to get over it but it just isn't happening right now. So, I was going to take the train. Until I recalculated how long it would take. Yikes! I think I that I will invite them to come up here at some point, maybe during Spring Break. But, it just isn't happening in the next 3 weeks.

Well, enough for now.

GRADES....IN!

I am a religious person. Not merely "spiritual." I believe in Jesus Christ and I practice my faith. Why is this important in this post? Because all I can say is THANK YOU GOD! YOU ARE AWESOME!

I went shopping today (it kept me from checking every 3 minutes to see if grades had been posted). When I got home...the first place went was to my office to check on Chem and Human Bio. I was greeted by this email:

Dr. Underdog,

The TA's are posting the final grades for my CHEM class on Blackboard on today. Your final average was a 77.64 and you will see a "C" grade posted on Blackboard. However, in consideration of your hard work, time missed from illness, and in (hoping) to give you that extra boost for you to do EVEN better in [next sequential Chem] furthering your Med School aspirations, I thought you deserved the "B" grade.

This will (should) be the grade that will show on your transcript/eeservices. If it does not, hold on to this email, and send it back, in case a correction is needed.

Have a Blessed and Restful Christmas.

Sincerely,
Doc Underdog's Chem Prof

(ok, so this isn't me...but it might as well have been)

I spoke poorly about this prof, I questioned her ability to teach, even her mental health...and this is how she treats me. I deserve to be shot. I have never been given 2.5 points in my life and I never expected from her. Was my mind changed about her today? Certainly about her personally, but I will still do everything in my power to never take another class taught by her.

The only grade still outstanding was Human Bio. I knew I had done wonderfully on all material...except evolution. I tried, but dang...it was so "history oriented" and history is rough for me. My grade came back. Evolution slaughtered me on the final and I ended up with a B in the course.

Anyway, my GPA was 3.14 for the semester. I can't say that I am too disappointed as this is my first semester back as a full-time student and I didn't do too well the first time around. At one point in the semester, I thought that 2 C's were a possibility. I am ecstatic! GOD, YOU RAWK!

Chemistry Final Exam Grade...incoming!

What I hate most about this is not the work. It is the degree to which this matters to me. I met with my Chem prof 2 weeks ago. She is not a woman who is exactly straight in the head, but none the less..I must respect the title. So, I do. I needed an 80 on my final to end up with a B in the course. I just checked my grade. I got a 78. While I don't feel that this is over, I feel completely defeated. I didn't want to have to fight grading errors that she wouldn't address earlier in the semester, but now I have to in order to get the grade that I deserve. I want to roll up into a ball, find a dark corner somewhere and cry until I am out of tears. I know to many this will seem a bit extreme, but I don't feel that it is. A 78 puts me less than one percentage point from a B. Maybe even less than .5% in which case I would hope that she would round up instead of down. Frankly, any professor that awards a 79 when a 79.5 (or 79.1 for that matter) is earned is actually TAKING POINTS AWAY from a student and I don't believe that is fair either. But, in the case of a 79.5 or higher, there should be no question. I really don't want to have to fight this. It won't end up being pretty and I will simply end up making a bad name for myself. But, I can't afford not to fight it.

For now, I am going to go back to my corner and pout.