More fat talk.

Anger is an issue for me. Not anger at other people, but at myself. How often do we hear no one can be harder on you than you are on yourself. That is me in a nutshell. I get angry when screw up playing tennis when I haven't picked up a racquet in years, I get angry when I look at myself in the mirror and my hair isn't just the way I want, and so often I get angry at myself for being fat. How did I let this happen? Why am I perpetuating it? Especially as we embark on this journey to have a child I am angry that I haven't successfully taken care of it before. I have been overweight for 8 years. I am not proud of that. I am actually disgusted by it. What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no concept of my size. I look at other people and try to get a picture of what I could look like. I ask my husband and best friend how my size compares to someone else. Not because it is a competition, but because I want to be able to look at someone and have some sort of concept of myself. The mirror doesn't hack it and pictures are distorted (if I allow them to be taken).

I am so frustrated with myself. I am so angry about my weight. I am not an ugly person nor do I carry it as poorly as I could (I think). But, the mere number on the scale sends my head spinning. Some peole have equated overweight pregnancy to child abuse. Is that what I am getting ready to do?

Fat chick.

Today is Sunday. I will be going to the service at 4:30pm, which is unusual for me but I was so jittery this morning from decreasing my meds that I couldn't think of getting up and going. Hubby is preaching today, which he does about once a month. In a freak moment last night nearing 11pm, MSWord scrambled his sermon and he couldn't get it back. As you can imagine, he was slightly ticked. Long story short, he got it back and all was well with the world. So, while he has been off at church this morning, I have been here napping, watching TV and looking at plus sized pregnancy boards. I am so bummed that I am overweight. I have been for about 8 years. I have always fought the weight battle but I am extremely displeased at this moment. I have thought about attempting to lose the extra weight before getting pregnant (story of my life) but I am also concerned about the magical 35 age. I want to try to avoid it. When I met with my OB/GYN she wasn't concerned. She just said to eat right and that there were much bigger girls than me. I am 5'8, 240 lbs and I wear a size 20. I carry it throughout, not just in my hips, thighs, etc. I also have a decent amount of muscle. All this is more credit than I have given myself in the last 8 years. I used to be an athlete...muscular, in shape, you know the drill. I went into business with a collegue who was significantly overweight and her eating habits became mine. Unfortunately, I didn't exercise enough to combat those practices so here I am. Now I eat well for the most part - lots of whole grains, fruit, veggies, tons of water. I keep the sugar intake low and so forth. We have a friggin' gym that is well stocked in our house and my happy @## doesn't use it enough. (full disclosure: I also have mild hypothyrodism)

Anyway, my docs don't seem concerned with the weight. They just say that the weight gained during pregnancy will be limited to 15-20 pounds. I am not diabetic nor hypertensive. One doc just said that I should try to lose what I can in the time that I am d/cing my meds. Um, well...that has been NONE. Ugh. Not due to a lack of trying...just due to a lack of losing. How frustrating! I look forward to being pregnant and I look forward to having a child. My husband is uber-excited. It has been nice to read about plus sized women having really positive pregnancy and birth experiences. I have bought all the books...read all the horrible things that could happen and I refuse to read them over and over. This is going to be hard enough, I don't need to keep reading all the things that "could" happen. I am just going to follow my OB's advice...eat well and exercise. If I lose nothing, I lose nothing.