Things are not going well. I am refusing to take the new medication that my doctor gave me for blood pressure. It carries with it the risk for noncardiogenic acute pulmonary edema. I have seen flash pulmonary edema and it is scary and life-threatening. I can't handle that risk. I have completely changed my diet and am engaging in relaxation exercises like yoga and meditation. So far, I don't think either one does a bit of good, but I will continue until I find something that does. I have increased my klonopin to try to get myself back on solid ground. That is undeniably a disappointment for me since I worked so hard to come off of it and now have to do it again. Obviously, trying to conceive in February is not going to happen. I have begun a protocol based upon some research first presented in 1999 and then again 2008 which utilizes Vitamin C and garlic bulb powder as a means to lower pressure by 9% in 4 weeks. I am hoping and praying that I benefit. Obviously, life is on hold right now. It is upsetting, but I can't do anything about iti at the very moment. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

The Benzos, the Bump and the Books.

Here I am. Things are going pretty well. I am not feeling the effects of the decrease in meds as much as I was a few days ago. No more "surges" into my head at random times. It is about time for me to drop another 1/2 dose. Eek! I am now on a dose that is "safe" to get pregnant, but I really want to be off it all as does my doctor. We will start to try to conceive at the beginning on February. I am so excited!!! I have looked at more plus-sized belly pics than I can stand. Heck, it gives me something to do when I can't sleep at night. I am giving one more effort to losing a few pounds. I am doing Phase 1 of South Beach for the allotted 2 weeks. If it goes well, then I may continue for a third week, but I really can't go beyond that because we then get into baby-making time.

I am so excited and we are not even TTC yet. For those of you who don't know what the heck "TTC" means, it is trying to conceive. I had no idea what it was until my friend used the term a few years ago. Anyway, I am excited. I have ordered a couple of books for my husband who apparently thought that pregnancy tests showed positive/negative immediately. :)

I am actually quite happy to not have to go back to work. I just hope that feeling doesn't flow over into school. I will be finding out whether or not I got into nursing school in about 4 weeks. I don't know that I will actually go to the school that is my first choice, but I want to have the option. I know that sort of sounds funny. How can it be my first choice if I am not sure I will actually go there if accepted? It is close, it is a great program, it is accelerated. From what I understand however, they are not very tolerant of pregnancy. Um, well... now you understand why. There are 3 other nursing schools locally and one killer of a program an hour away. I actually need to call my friend who talked me into applying to that one. She graduated from there and I want her write me a letter of recommendation. Actually, I need to go look at all that stuff...TTFN!

More fat talk.

Anger is an issue for me. Not anger at other people, but at myself. How often do we hear no one can be harder on you than you are on yourself. That is me in a nutshell. I get angry when screw up playing tennis when I haven't picked up a racquet in years, I get angry when I look at myself in the mirror and my hair isn't just the way I want, and so often I get angry at myself for being fat. How did I let this happen? Why am I perpetuating it? Especially as we embark on this journey to have a child I am angry that I haven't successfully taken care of it before. I have been overweight for 8 years. I am not proud of that. I am actually disgusted by it. What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no concept of my size. I look at other people and try to get a picture of what I could look like. I ask my husband and best friend how my size compares to someone else. Not because it is a competition, but because I want to be able to look at someone and have some sort of concept of myself. The mirror doesn't hack it and pictures are distorted (if I allow them to be taken).

I am so frustrated with myself. I am so angry about my weight. I am not an ugly person nor do I carry it as poorly as I could (I think). But, the mere number on the scale sends my head spinning. Some peole have equated overweight pregnancy to child abuse. Is that what I am getting ready to do?

Fat chick.

Today is Sunday. I will be going to the service at 4:30pm, which is unusual for me but I was so jittery this morning from decreasing my meds that I couldn't think of getting up and going. Hubby is preaching today, which he does about once a month. In a freak moment last night nearing 11pm, MSWord scrambled his sermon and he couldn't get it back. As you can imagine, he was slightly ticked. Long story short, he got it back and all was well with the world. So, while he has been off at church this morning, I have been here napping, watching TV and looking at plus sized pregnancy boards. I am so bummed that I am overweight. I have been for about 8 years. I have always fought the weight battle but I am extremely displeased at this moment. I have thought about attempting to lose the extra weight before getting pregnant (story of my life) but I am also concerned about the magical 35 age. I want to try to avoid it. When I met with my OB/GYN she wasn't concerned. She just said to eat right and that there were much bigger girls than me. I am 5'8, 240 lbs and I wear a size 20. I carry it throughout, not just in my hips, thighs, etc. I also have a decent amount of muscle. All this is more credit than I have given myself in the last 8 years. I used to be an athlete...muscular, in shape, you know the drill. I went into business with a collegue who was significantly overweight and her eating habits became mine. Unfortunately, I didn't exercise enough to combat those practices so here I am. Now I eat well for the most part - lots of whole grains, fruit, veggies, tons of water. I keep the sugar intake low and so forth. We have a friggin' gym that is well stocked in our house and my happy @## doesn't use it enough. (full disclosure: I also have mild hypothyrodism)

Anyway, my docs don't seem concerned with the weight. They just say that the weight gained during pregnancy will be limited to 15-20 pounds. I am not diabetic nor hypertensive. One doc just said that I should try to lose what I can in the time that I am d/cing my meds. Um, well...that has been NONE. Ugh. Not due to a lack of trying...just due to a lack of losing. How frustrating! I look forward to being pregnant and I look forward to having a child. My husband is uber-excited. It has been nice to read about plus sized women having really positive pregnancy and birth experiences. I have bought all the books...read all the horrible things that could happen and I refuse to read them over and over. This is going to be hard enough, I don't need to keep reading all the things that "could" happen. I am just going to follow my OB's advice...eat well and exercise. If I lose nothing, I lose nothing.

Off to work...

Merry Christmas...a day late. I had to work yesterday (bummer) and will finish up my 3 day run today at 7:30pm. I am 2 days from dropping to yet a lower dosage of my anxiety medication. That will be as low as it gets before completely d/cing it on Jan 2nd. I woke up last night a little jittery. This is not going to be easy. It already hasn't been. God has really been great to me in this whole deal...I never thought it would be possible to get to this low of a dosage and still act like a human being. I am so grateful for such a wonderful doctor who knows just how to talk to me and is so accessible. I can't believe that I am going to be in a position medically to have a baby. I never thought that I would ever get off of the meds. I can't tell you how happy I am. I am so grateful that I have a husband who is so understanding that I don't HAVE to work if it suits me better during the pregnancy. I will probably work some very short shifts and be going to school. Once I begin nursing school in May *fingers still crossed*, then I will most likely not work at all until I graduate. I would like to be able to do something from home even if it doesn't pay many bills. I know several people who sell on eBay and I have sold a few items myself. It was pretty easy, so perhaps I can do some of that.

I need to go get showered and ready for work...TTYL.

I am going to try to keep up with this blog more consistently. (Um, well...we'll see how it goes.)

I was not in school this fall. I spent the time working and finishing my application for nursing school. I should hear in February whether or not I got into my first choice. *fingers crossed* It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I didn't get my first choice. I have an alternate plan for that case that would actually get me to my goal a year sooner. Another wrench has been voluntarily thrown into my plans. My husband and I have decided to have a baby. Well, that decision came months ago, but I have been dealing with coming off of medications and changing others to make it a safe environment for the child. Anyway, we are a go to start trying in January.

I have talked to a few friends who are in nursing school currently, including one that is in the program to which I applied. Doable? Yes. Easy? No. I would love to work things so that I deliver just before or just after finals. Of course, in a perfect world. Maybe not in mine. I am going to take the best pregnancy experience that I can get. Beyond that, I will work it out. In this case, I am rapidly approaching 35 and having a baby can't be postponed...school can...to a point.

I will be in class in the Spring. I will be taking my last pre-req for nursing school (like the 3 years prepping for med school wasn't enough).