The Last Post

There has been a lot happening in my life that has been, frankly, not so great. I have lost 2 friends to cancer in the last year, my dog had cancer (thankfully, now well), had a miscarriage, had a relapse and been hospitalized because of it, had a period of time where it was one health scare after another (thankfully, most is well), changed my life's direction, and at this point I am grieving. I have exposed illness and emotional shortcomings, dislikes, anger and the like. But, many people know of this blog. I should say, many people that I know in "real life" have been made aware of this blog in one way or another and with the death of Kate and the advent of my new career upon me, I find myself in a place where anonymity is important. I have kept this blog since 2006. Granted, at times I was a more reliable poster than others, but as things became more difficult I began to retreat to the safety of my pillow instead of sharing what I was enduring. I want the freedom to do that again, without the worry that those who know me will be reading. I need a method of release right now, a place to spill my guts, a place to reminisce and grieve...a place to find myself again...anonymously.

So, thank you dear reader(s). Thank you for those who have left comments and those who have not. Your encouragement as I have fought this or that over the years has been wonderful. I wish you well in your endeavors and always good health.

Take care.

-Me.

Goodnight Sweet Friend.

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Though I have had nearly 2 weeks to deal with this, I am still at a loss and become nauseated each time I think of it.

My dear mentor, friend and physician Kate died from a recurrence of cervical cancer (sarcoma) on Monday, November 9, 2009. She was 54.

Maybe one day I will post her real name, she is one who affected not just those in her family and community, but society as a whole. I am better for having known her.

Things are not going well. I am refusing to take the new medication that my doctor gave me for blood pressure. It carries with it the risk for noncardiogenic acute pulmonary edema. I have seen flash pulmonary edema and it is scary and life-threatening. I can't handle that risk. I have completely changed my diet and am engaging in relaxation exercises like yoga and meditation. So far, I don't think either one does a bit of good, but I will continue until I find something that does. I have increased my klonopin to try to get myself back on solid ground. That is undeniably a disappointment for me since I worked so hard to come off of it and now have to do it again. Obviously, trying to conceive in February is not going to happen. I have begun a protocol based upon some research first presented in 1999 and then again 2008 which utilizes Vitamin C and garlic bulb powder as a means to lower pressure by 9% in 4 weeks. I am hoping and praying that I benefit. Obviously, life is on hold right now. It is upsetting, but I can't do anything about iti at the very moment. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

I am sitting at home while hubby is at church. In my attempts at yoga yesterday, I pulled a huge muscle in my back. My anxiety has been especially high this week and I know that my shrink is getting tired of getting text messages from me. I went to the doctor on Friday and she put me on blood pressure meds. I took it for 2 days and will not take it again. It made me feel horrible. I am going to give myself 6 months on a low sodium diet with supplements to see what I can do naturally. I am at the point where I think that eastern medicine has gotten way too caught up and western medicine has it all right. A friend of mine had a BP of 210/110, did it the natural way and is now normal. In the last 24 hours I have read some very interesting new research that touts the efficacy of 500 mgs of Vitamin C and 650 mgs of garlic bulb powder daily to decrease BP an average of 9%. Nine percent would get me to where I need to be.

If it works, I am going to insist that my husband goes on it too. Actually, I will probably insist that he subscribe to the protocol when I do...immediately. His BP is high and his stress is higher. I am concerned about him. He hates his job. Well, not his entire job, just one portion of it, but it is significant.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Two important words.

I am big on gratitude. The only thing I wanted to say to my friend before she died was "Thank you." Sometimes we only think to say it in the moment when a favor is done, a door is opened or a "bless you" is prayed. Sometimes, those words are more obligatory than heartfelt. What about in those moments when you are alone or are enjoying life without a care in the world? Who do you thank? God for life? A friend for love? A stranger for inspiration?

For me, the first one I thank is always God. Unless you are an atheist, this is pretty self-explanatory. As I have gone through trials (I don't mean to make it seem so dramatic or severe) in recent years, I have really thought a lot about what and who it has taken to get to each successful point along the way. My husband is an amazing man who is tremendously supportive of me in EVERYTHING that I do..regardless of how dumb or ill thought out. But, someone who has literally helped me with each step is my psychiatrist...or "therapist" if you are more comfortable with that term. I try to thank her regularly without being gushy, but I just don't feel that I am adequately conveying how I feel. For this reason, I should have titled this "An open letter of gratitude to Dr. X."

Dear Dr. X.,

How do I begin a letter that is responsible for saying so much but has only words to use? I know that many times I have expressed my gratitude for all you have done for me however, it remains inadequate. In the past 6 years, a lot has happened to both of us. Death (too much death), injury, love, hate, good fortune and not. As I am about to embark on another chapter in my life, I am acutely aware that I could not have gotten here without you. I am not the same person that I was six years ago, I have grown in many ways. You have led me. I am able to enjoy like unlike I have ever done before. I came to you heavily medicated without a hope in the world of "being clean" and carrying the hope for so much that was not possible because of it. I prayed for an end to my misery and God sent you. I have cried so many tears in the last six years and laughed so many laughs. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of how much more I LIVE than I used to. You have helped me peel away the painful layers of abuse and anxiety and for that I thank you. You have helped me to drop the belief that I am a horrible and insignificant person. You have challenged me to become all that I dreamed but more than I believed possible. You have helped me become an adult, long after I should have. You have shown me how to be a good wife to my husband and how not let the tragedy of my childhood mar that of my future child. You have demonstrated how to reach beyond oneself to accomplish what was so far away. You have given me the courage and the support to step outside of my comfort zone and take risks. Big, big risks. I have had many therapists in my lifetime and never has one made such a difference in my life. Perhaps you look at it as just a job or even a calling. Thank you for doing it well.

Sincerely, Dr. Underdog

The Benzos, the Bump and the Books.

Here I am. Things are going pretty well. I am not feeling the effects of the decrease in meds as much as I was a few days ago. No more "surges" into my head at random times. It is about time for me to drop another 1/2 dose. Eek! I am now on a dose that is "safe" to get pregnant, but I really want to be off it all as does my doctor. We will start to try to conceive at the beginning on February. I am so excited!!! I have looked at more plus-sized belly pics than I can stand. Heck, it gives me something to do when I can't sleep at night. I am giving one more effort to losing a few pounds. I am doing Phase 1 of South Beach for the allotted 2 weeks. If it goes well, then I may continue for a third week, but I really can't go beyond that because we then get into baby-making time.

I am so excited and we are not even TTC yet. For those of you who don't know what the heck "TTC" means, it is trying to conceive. I had no idea what it was until my friend used the term a few years ago. Anyway, I am excited. I have ordered a couple of books for my husband who apparently thought that pregnancy tests showed positive/negative immediately. :)

I am actually quite happy to not have to go back to work. I just hope that feeling doesn't flow over into school. I will be finding out whether or not I got into nursing school in about 4 weeks. I don't know that I will actually go to the school that is my first choice, but I want to have the option. I know that sort of sounds funny. How can it be my first choice if I am not sure I will actually go there if accepted? It is close, it is a great program, it is accelerated. From what I understand however, they are not very tolerant of pregnancy. Um, well... now you understand why. There are 3 other nursing schools locally and one killer of a program an hour away. I actually need to call my friend who talked me into applying to that one. She graduated from there and I want her write me a letter of recommendation. Actually, I need to go look at all that stuff...TTFN!

More fat talk.

Anger is an issue for me. Not anger at other people, but at myself. How often do we hear no one can be harder on you than you are on yourself. That is me in a nutshell. I get angry when screw up playing tennis when I haven't picked up a racquet in years, I get angry when I look at myself in the mirror and my hair isn't just the way I want, and so often I get angry at myself for being fat. How did I let this happen? Why am I perpetuating it? Especially as we embark on this journey to have a child I am angry that I haven't successfully taken care of it before. I have been overweight for 8 years. I am not proud of that. I am actually disgusted by it. What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no concept of my size. I look at other people and try to get a picture of what I could look like. I ask my husband and best friend how my size compares to someone else. Not because it is a competition, but because I want to be able to look at someone and have some sort of concept of myself. The mirror doesn't hack it and pictures are distorted (if I allow them to be taken).

I am so frustrated with myself. I am so angry about my weight. I am not an ugly person nor do I carry it as poorly as I could (I think). But, the mere number on the scale sends my head spinning. Some peole have equated overweight pregnancy to child abuse. Is that what I am getting ready to do?