The holiday season is never very easy for me. It brings with it a horrible feeling of discomfort and impending doom that I have yet to find the words to adequately describe. I was handling it better this year. No Christmas tree - that was good. But, I did hang the stockings and a bit of garland. Anyway, a couple of days ago my (now our) dog of almost 9 years began crying out in pain uncontrollably. We went to our regular vet yesterday but being a Saturday with Christmas coming up, the staff was less than a skeleton crew. The vet couldn't figure out what was going on and radiology services would not be available until the 27th. So, we came home with a prayer. Things seemed to be going better ... until this morning at 2:00 when our sweet dog began yelping from downstairs. We spent an hour on the floor with her...ice and heat. Eventually, we went upstairs. She wouldn't climb them. It took both of us, but we carried her up the stairs and on to our bed. She didn't seem to want to be alone. At about 8 this morning we went to the 24/365 emergency vet. The people were nice, but it was a horribly heartbreaking place. Two people were having their pets euthanized and were sobbing. My husband, the hospital chaplain, said it reminded him of work. To make a long story short, we spent 5 hours there and found out that our dog has a problem with disk between her C2 and C3. What do we do? This is serious. Surgery? So many cons. Manage it medically? Will it work? She is confined to a small area (I am talking 18 sq. ft.) because there are not crates large enough to contain her. We will visit with the vet later this week. In the meantime, she is loaded up on all kinds of drugs. It is horrible seeing her like this. She is obviously miserable. I am not ready to let her go yet. I never will be, but I know that one day I will have to. When that will be may or not be soon. I just want to be sure that we are not selfish about it. Hopefully, the medications will take hold soon and bring her some relief.

I know that some people don't put much value on animals. I do. This dog has saved my life more than once. I have been through the hardest times and the most joyous times in my life with her. How do you forget that?

TIMMMMMMBER!

Sadly, it seems that every time something happens to someone else, my motivation for medicine gets renewed. What a horrible thought. But, that is the way it is. Hopefully, I am not as distorted as that seems superficially. This morning, the choir (of which I am a member) was performing the annual Christmas Cantata. It was warm..especially when layered with polyester choir robes. I became quite warm and left for a brief time to get some air and a drink. I missed a song, but returned. As soon as I walked back in and took an empty place on the end as we were standing during the performance, I heard a big thump. One of our sopranos had passed out and fallen over an amplifier. Thankfully, our choirmaster saw her coming down and put his hand between her head and the piano. That would have been a bad injury...his hand was still red about 45 minutes later. I hurried over and helped her out of the sanctuary where another friend of mine (a nurse currently studying for her NP) met us. We took her robe off of her and underneath she had a wool sweater and lined wool pants. Her skin was burning up! I felt so badly for her. She was so embarrassed. When we left the sanctuary, the pastor (who was also singing in the Cantata) announced to the congregation that it was hot and asked if someone would turn off the heat. Of course, standing for and extending period of time is not good either as people have a tendency to lock their knees.

Anyway, I have mentioned in the past that fainting is my biggest fear. I am no longer afraid of other people fainting. I am not keen on the idea of me fainting, simply because I don't like feeling bad and mainly because I never have. This paragraph makes me seem like it is fine for others to experience bad things but not me. That's not it at all. My point is that I got over a fear today. I have been on a high all day. Not to mention, I got to be helpful. That was cool.

I just finished my workout and my arms are exhausted. Out of here for now.

Dr. Underdog

P.S. Good news! Kate was doing so well that her oncologist gave the ok to drop the remaining 2 rounds of chemo...did I already mention that?

9/11 coincidences

I ran across this video on YouTube...check it out.

This no school business is wreaking havoc on my weight. Terrible. At least when I am in class I have to run around and stress about something. Right now, I am a total slug. Don't misunderstand me, I am grateful for the time off but I am ready to get back into the swing of things. In the meantime, I am watching/reading the news/gossip about Dr. Jan Adams and the recent death of Donda West after a cosmetic procedure. I had the same operation 2 years ago that that Ms. West is reported as having had. While it makes absolutely no difference, I had a wonderful experience and my surgeon was Wendy Gottlieb, MD. People need to do their research and not be lured by celebrity status. If your doctor is not board certified, LOOK FURTHER. While it is not a requirement to perform surgery of this kind, you also don't have to have a law degree to represent yourself in court...and that is not advisable either.

Posting and vegging

Ahh. A break! It feels wonderful. The party is over. It was beautiful and hubby really seemed to enjoy it. My parents and I got along, but it took some tongue biting. Just for kicks, I argued politics with them the morning they left. Let's just say that we have differing opinions and they are allowed in interrupt me, but not the other way around.

It is nice not to be scrambling around looking for this or that for the party. I will have to post a picture of the cake...it was awesome! A lot of people didn't show up (ugh) so we had a lot of food leftover, but oh well. Most importantly, hubby had a good time.

I began my EMT course about a week and a half ago and so far so good. Someone asked me the other day if I had given up on med school...NOT AT ALL. Kate suggested that I do this and I thought it was a good idea. I am learning a lot and reviewing a lot. There is this one guy in my class who never shuts up. Ugh. Anyway, maybe I will learn something from him too. Speaking of Kate, she is really having a rough time with the chemo. :( I need to send her a card. I will likely do it this weekend when hubby is writing his thank you notes and getting them in the mail.

As usual, this is a disjointed post...maybe next time.

Have a good one.

Partying and moving on

I registered for classes yesterday. I am bummed that my favorite Chem prof is only scheduled to have 10 students in her class and by the time I got to register (only the Honors students register before me) all of the spots in her class were taken. Granted, her class was the only one being held at a normal time so I am sure that was a big attraction too. Anyway, I will continue trying to grab a slot that perhaps someone will drop in the next couple of months..it has happened before. I am excited to get back into school. I was able to get in 2 Chem labs, so I won't be behind on that anymore. I thought I was just going to take what I took this semester, but opted to wait until this summer to take Physics since I will also have my EMT course to contend with. So I am taking 3 labs and Gen Chem II. Labs are not credit rich, but extremely time consuming. Ugh.

The surprise party is this Friday. Somehow with all the planning, I still feel so pressed for time. Unfortunately, I have to be up and doing a bunch of stuff (obviously) and my right foot is giving me problems. I was run over in college (yes, run OVER) and both of my feet really took a beating. I noticed last week that for some reason 4 toes on my right foot kept going numb. Nearly simultaneously, my foot became very painful in the same spot where I had problems with it those years ago. Anyway, it is not the best thing to be contending with this week, but I am just trying to ignore it. I will call the podiatrist next week.

The party is going to be wonderful...I hope. I hope that hubby enjoys it. It will be nice to have everyone here.

Life is going pretty well right now. I am looking forward to moving forward. The past is the past and I did the best that I could at the time. Now, I just need to move on. Somehow, I don't think that I am the only one I am talking to.

Have a good one.

-Dr. U.

I suppose I should bring this blog up to date. I have had more time on my hands without classes -- obviously. I am no longer upset with myself for withdrawing as I know it was the best decision that I could have made. I am taking advantage of the relaxing time to bolster myself for next semester. It will be a busy one in which I will need to manage my time close to perfectly. In many ways, it will be the most difficult one I have encountered yet. Kate suggested that I take an EMT certification course. I probably already mentioned that. It will not be taken through school, but will require 8 hours of class per week in addition to school. I am also to committed to volunteering at an inner city elementary school (only 1-2 hours once a week) through the end of the school year. Additionally, I am trying to get back to the cancer center to do a couple of hours at least every other week. Thankfully, for some reason, I found out that my favorite professor will be teaching Gen Chem II again the Spring. So, I will be registering next Monday. I will not be taking Physics at my post-bacc univ this Spring...instead opting to avoid the evil prof and take it elsewhere. I need to confirm transferability of credits this week. Overall, I am feeling really good about things. The time off has been rejuvenating.

Two of my friends have received their first acceptances to medical school. Yeah! I am horribly envious, but ridiculously proud of them. I know that my time will come.

Moving on

Kate thinks I should go through an EMT course. I suppose I have the time...sort of. I looked for courses in the area last night and the first one doesn't start until the middle of next month and continues through March. By March, I will be shoulder deep in everything that I dropped this semester. I am feeling much better, but my head is sort of still spinning. So, my goal is to get that under control to align myself for a successful Spring semester. I really hate the fact that this happened, but realize that I made the best decisions that I could at the time. I don't think that they were bad decisions at all. I just wish that THOSE circumstances weren't the ones that dictated the good and bad. Anyway, I am feeling better (perhaps not 100%, but good enough) and life goes on.

I need to find out when I register for the Spring.

Bloody Saturday

Today was going to be boring. Pretty mundane...go to the church fall festival, come home, chill with hubby until he had to go to work. Instead, less than 3 minutes after we left the house this morning, while we were driving along a scenic road near our home, we spotted a man laying lifeless on the road next to his bike. Knowing that we had to do something, but without a shoulder to park the car on, hubby jumped out of the car while I called 911 and turned around. I made it back to the scene shortly and ran to the two of them. The man was bleeding severely from his head (he had not been wearing a helmet) and wouldn't talk. All he was doing was moaning. Then he kept trying to get up and became quite combative. He kept lifting his head and then placed it back on the ground. Each time, I heard the unmistakable sound of crunching bone. Knowing that the bleeding needed to be controlled and having that reinforced by the dispatcher on the other end of the line, I asked my husband to take off his shirt. It was a cute mock turtle neck from his alma mater that he had never worn before and it looked REALLY good on him. Of course, the one day that I say to him "Oh honey, you don't need an undershirt"...(poor guy). Without a second thought, he took off his shirt and handed it to me. I put it on the back of the man's head where the bleeding appeared to be coming from and began to apply pressure. Then I stopped. His head was soft. I felt like I was touching his brain. Suddenly, he became calm and began talking to me. I asked him his name to which he responded Mark* and I told him mine. I asked him if he had lost consciousness and he said "no" but didn't remember what happened. He then asked if he was jogging or riding his bike. Then he said he was tired. Of course, I wanted to keep him awake. We continued to converse calmly and I asked him if there was someone we could contact for him (I noticed a wedding band on his hand, but not on his ring finger...perhaps too big?) -- he seemed to think about it for a second in great confusion and then hesitantly answer "I don't know" or "no" or something like that. Thankfully, EMS arrived in good time and they took over...they asked him his address - he couldn't remember it. Thankfully, he could recite his Social Security number and the police officer retrieved his information that way. I emerged from the commotion with bloody hands (of course, no gloves) but surprisingly not one drop on my stark white hoody. My poor husband standing there shirtless...I noticed how good he looked...he has lost weight! We got his address to arrange to get his bike home and climbed into our convertible (with the top down - which just made the whole shirtless thing worse on a crisp morning) and drove home. When we got home, we noticed that hubby had gotten cut in all the mess...and there was quite a bit of blood at the scene. He called his colleagues at the hospital at told them the situation. As of this writing...the HIV test on Mark came back negative (thank you God!) and the results for the Hep B and Hep C labs won't be back until Monday.

Eventually, we got to the church festival and found out that one of our church members actually lives next door to Mark...and his wife...and new baby. Neither one of which he seemed to be able to remember.

What is the moral of the story? Geez, I don't even know. But, if you carry one thing away from this experience let it be this - WEAR A HELMET!

As for me, I held a man's broken head in my hands today I looked into his eyes and wanted to be reassuring. I doubt he will remember me...I hope he doesn't actually...because then he will have to remember the physical pain of that moment. But, I can't wait to be a physician.

*not his real name

I am officially withdrawn from all classes this semester. Besides feeling like I gave up too soon and I am a total failure, I actually feel pretty good.

I don't know what this blog will turn into in the coming weeks and months. It no longer seems to be a record of the aspirations and optimism of a student. I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks and I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. Of course, there isn't much that I am pleased about these days. I began a new painting last night without inspiration other than anger and sadness. Not surprisingly, it looks uninspired. I don't know what I was thinking...did I really expect that I would be able to come out of some long term hibernation from an elementary art life and expect everything I touched with a brush to be magical? What the heck am I trying to prove? What do I want from my art? Why have I ever wanted? For it to be MINE. Obviously, I love recognition for a job well done here and there, but that hasn't happened in a long time. Besides, sad as it is...I never believe it anyway. That's all I want from a career in medicine...not the recognition...I want the satisfaction. I don't want someone to tell me how great I am...I want to feel that what I did and what I am doing is a great thing. I began my life as someone who wanted attention and I did get attention...a lot of it. I didn't know what to do without it. I got attention that I would rather have not gotten. But, somewhere along the road I became the person who didn't want to be the center of it all. I became the person who derived great satisfaction off of making someone feel like they were the center of it all. To see the look on someone's face when they know that you are working for their benefit...geez, that is friggin awesome.

Now, I would rather be in pain silently than draw attention. If I could figure that out, I think it would reveal a lot.

Anyway, I have piece of crap painting on my easel. I can't say that it is complete nor can I say it isn't. All I can say is that it is as far as it is going. The problem is that I don't know where to discard of it. Our next door neighbor is a professional artist and if I were to trash a worked canvas she would certainly notice as it sat in the trash can in the alley. When hubby gets home he is going to ask about it if it is still on my easel. I want it out of here. I would love to torch it, but I would most certainly send something unintended up in flames.

I suck. I wish I didn't believe that.

Oh well.

Obviously, the meds are working. I feel somewhat strung out, but I am a lot more me in the net. I ordered hubby's cake yesterday. It is going to be incredible. That was the upside to my day. The downside was that I had trusted my mom enough to tell her what was going on with me -- mistakenly thinking that she had changed. It backfired...again. It's like I told hubby, I am so stupid...I will run my head into a brick wall, determine that it is a bad idea, swear up and down that I will never do it again, BUT if you paint that wall somehow I am convinced that things will be different. It is so sad. I think I am really mourning the lack of a true mother. She has never been one that I could trust unconditionally. Not because she would divulge my secrets, but because she would store them up and use them against me herself. Sad. She apparently leads a very unhappy life. She keeps saying that she has changed, but she hasn't. She is more Type A than I am and completely incapable (frankly, she doesn't want to) of change. I really wish that I had a mom that I could share my pain with...I don't.

I am convinced that no one reads this blog anymore. Actually, that is not such a bad thing.

Today is my third day at home. I went to choir rehearsal last thinking that it would make me feel a bit better. Unfortunately, it didn't. I was planning on going for a quiz today in Human Bio lab - against my doc's instructions - but I really don't fee like it. Ultimately, I think I am going to end up getting a retroactive medical withdrawal from my classes this semester. That is probably best. That way, nothing shows up on my transcript. No W's, no F's...nothing. I thought I was getting better. I don't know, maybe I still am. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to smile. My arms and legs feel like they weigh a 100 pounds each and the rest of me just hurts. This is prime planning time for my husband's party and I can't bring myself to do it. There is an unfinished painting on my easel and 2 blank canvases downstairs. I could be painting. There is cleaning to be done. I don't want to do any of it. How did this happen? What happened to me? THIS is not me. I just want to stay out of the hospital.. that would irreparably hurt my application.

Tuesday part 2

Things progressed pretty fast after I posted that entry earlier today. I lost it again. I ended up calling a friend who is a nurse and lives near me and she came over. I ended up calling my doc and to make a long story short...hubby was summoned home from the hospital at about noon and I have been ordered by my doc not to go to class for the rest of the week...at least. Unfortunately, I am going to have to be a bad patient for once and defy orders so that I don't miss a quiz in my Human Bio lab. No one is certain that I will be able to return to school for the remainder of the semester, but I don't want to screw it up completely if I do.

As you can tell, things aren't going real well. I am immeasurably depressed. It is embarrassing to admit that. I am pale. I look like $h!^ and I feel worse.

I am broken.

Depression, Britney Spears and other things I wish I didn't know about...

Depression hurts. Gosh, it hurts. The physical pain is excruciating. I screwed up a lab report last night. Somehow, I messed up the procedure and when I went to write it up my actual yield was higher than my theoretical. Anyway, despite additional medication last night, I feel awful this morning. I was drugged all night which was good for my sleep, but the terrible pain won't go away. I don't have class until 2:30 so I am vegging in bed. I have another lab report to write before then however. I made the mistake of turning on the TV and apparently we live in such a pathetic world that Britney Spears losing custody of her 2 children is making the top of the news. WHY?

I didn't work out last night. My work out buddy was supposed to come over at 9, but my life went into crisis mode before then. Tonight is another night. I didn't get to work out at all last week because my schedule was so tight, so I need to make up for it this week. I need to also do some serious studying of Chemistry...actually go to my prof's office hours this week. She has so few of them. Tomorrow will be the day.

Maybe I will try to make myself feel a bit better by dropping the top on the convertible and take a drive. All I want to do is sleep though...so it will be a toss up. I also need to clean. I am such a bad housekeeper. There is no excuse. My husband is so wonderful. I can't complain about his contribution to the upkeep of the house. He vacuums, dusts, cleans toilets, does dishes...there aren't many men that will jump in on those things. See, my life is great...it is the person living it that sucks.

Today is Chem Lab. I really like that class. Unfortunately, my wonderful lab partner that I was so happy about dropped the class! She decided to go into nursing and didn't need the credit after all. I don't blame her, but it is a real bummer for me.

Well, things HAVE to get better. But, for now I have another lab report to do...outta here.

Today is probably the most depressed that I have been since I began this journey. Reluctantly, I dropped Physics last night. I called Kate and asked her what she thought before I did it and in her "The world is not going to come crashing down" tone she assured me that it was nothing that couldn't be explained away. Either way, my application is looking worse and worse. I actually wanted to hurt myself today. I know that sounds extreme and I know it is not what sounds healthy, but damn it that is how I felt. I am completely stressed out and can't seem to get my head on straight.

A friend of mine got an interview at the med school near me and I am thrilled for her. Don't misunderstand me. Do I wish it were me? Of course, but I think the worst part of it is that she always makes me feel like I am a total loser. Not because of her accomplishments..no one should be faulted for those. But, because she is so ready to agree with me when I mention how bad things are. In fact, it even seems as if she is waiting for me to come to my senses. As if she has been thinking it all along and is just waiting for me to burst out with "I AM A F#*$ING IDIOT! I ADMIT IT. I WILL QUIT LIVING THIS LITTLE LIE." And somehow I feel that it would bring her great joy. What a horrible thing to think. How terrible I am to think it! If it were jealousy that were driving my feelings I could understand, but I just know how stupid I really am. I was hoping that it was my secret, but apparently everyone knows.

I don't hate my life. I actually like it. It's the person living it that I hate.

A horrible man

My Physics professor is an horrible man. I do not say that lightly nor because the class average on the first exam was a 58%. I have never encountered someone who so blatantly tries to make things difficult. I visited him in his office a couple of weeks ago (that will be the LAST time) and during my time there I asked him if this semester was more difficult than those passed. He proceeded to say "You all want to be able to write anything you want on evaluations and not expect to pay for it." Um HELLO? I then said "So what you are telling me is that we are paying for past sins of other classes?" He seemed quite pleased with himself. I was mortified. I have had my bad professors. I won't even get into HOW bad, but this is stupid. On the first exam, he had 4/10 problems that he had never taught us. Gee, that was nice. He was unapologetic and even with such a low class average, the only thing he said about it was "No, there will be no curve." Ass#$%^! From here on out he will be called Dr. Dickhead on this blog. It is likely that I will post a picture of him at some point. I am not afraid of being exposed that way. What a horrible, horrible man. What's worse was that he went INCREDIBLY slow and was INCREDIBLY funny and endearing until the add/drop period was over. Premeditated jerkiness.

I have not written anything that is untrue nor anything that I would not testify to in a court of law. If you are SOMEHOW scheduled to take a class from this man...RUN! TURN AND FRIGGIN' RUN. He has a chip on his shoulder and, despite is efforts to prove that he is a tough professor, he is not proving anything except that a single human being can be so hateful and sacrifice one's own abilities for the sole purpose of revenge on a group that is not at fault.

Hey, Dr. Dick..I may not make an A in your class. But you count on this...you WILL NOT ruin my future.

Looking Up!

I am feeling really good today..definitely a lot more like myself. Kate and I had a conversation yesterday and somehow it really helped. I knew that I had to get out of this rut and well...(knock on wood) it seems to be subsiding. Seeing her yesterday was pretty difficult though. Her hair has begun to thin and her skin appears a bit gray.

Anyway, Thursday I have my first big Chemistry exam. Thankfully, this change in emotion/mindset came just in time. Unfortunately, I have to learn 4 weeks worth of Chemistry in about 4 days. I have not been able to concentrate and my retention has been pretty much nil. I will be able to do it...somehow. Chemistry is fun when you know what you are doing. I gave up on actually understanding anything, but have become a master regurgitator of class material which is probably why Anatomy was so enjoyable. I mean besides the fact that I just love Anatomy. What actually happens in the 3rd and 4th ventricle? Geez, I don't think I ever got that down. But, they look like sea animals!

Ok, gotta jet...yes, that was abrupt. ;)

Universal health care and other things that look good on paper

Today was a decent day. I was kinda bummed that my back hurt all day and today was lab (and therefore STANDING) intensive but I got through it anyway. I wasn't sure when exactly that Kate was going to end up beginning her first round of chemo, but we exchanged emails this afternoon. Apparently, it began a week later than originally scheduled..so that was yesterday and she said that she has 15 hours left. She indicated it was going well so I am glad.

I can't express how thrilled I am with my friend who turned out to be my Chem lab partner! It is so much fun to go to that class. It could be such a drag, but we laugh so much. Not to mention, she is intelligent so I am not having to question whether or not her analysis is accurate because she doesn't care. I hate that. I guess I WAS that person the first time around, but things have been very different this time.

I finally got the notes over to Disability Services for my student. I have been a volunteer notetaker for a couple of semesters for 2 different students with learning disabilities. I may have mentioned that. Anyway, it is nothing earth-shattering, I just take clearer notes and have to go make copies of them at least once a week. I was feeling so bad on Friday (when I usually take care of that) that I ended up abandoning the effort altogether. Yesterday wasn't much better, but today I am thrilled to say that the notes are waiting for my classmate. Part of the whole thing is that it is confidential, so while it would be a lot easier to just hand the notes to the guy in class (yes, I know who he is), I have to trek over to the official office and deposit them there.

Universal healthcare...hum. A lot of people have been discussing this with me lately. What do I think? Does it matter? Here's my ineloquent, if not ignorant, take on the matter... Do I think that we some form of health coverage for everyone..ABSOLUTELY. Do I think that the government should resort to a socialist form of care...ABSOLUTELY NOT. Here's the deal, I see the crap that my docs have to go through to get paid by my health insurance company and I have excellent coverage. I see on my EOBs that are sent to me what kind of pitiful sum they are paid to see me. I know that I have taken well more of their time than what they are paid for. There is a huge misconception that doctors make too much money and that the problem lies with the medical community. I strongly disagree. Why is it that we can handle athletes and CEOs of companies making manifold what docs make and yet fail to consider the fact that physicians must pay exhorbiant malpractice fees, very high education costs (which many are still paying off >10 years later), staff salaries (God forbid someone have to wait longer than they want), equipment costs (because we all want the latest technology...or at least something from the 20th century), they work WAY more than people give them credit for (call the doc because you have a question..they don't get paid for that...no insurance billing code...how many of those questions even if not directly from your mouth do they have to field in a day in between 30-50 patients to be seen in 15 minute increments) and all done for (in my experience) 25-75% of what they actually charge. Are their fees excessive? We will take my pulmonologist as an example, he went through 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, and 5-6 years of internship/residency. By that time many new doctors are >$200K in debt compounding interest constantly. After all of that time, how much would you say that YOUR time would be worth? Then add on all the things mentioned above which just make it possible for a physician to provide adequate care for patients.

I don't expect to make a lot as a doctor. I will be 43 when I complete residency and then have the joy of paying back all the loans. I will likely never own my own practice. Perhaps group or hospital based practice will be for me. I have nothing to gain by saying that government run universal health care is a bad idea, except the opportunity to care for my patients in the best way possible. If the government wants to get involved then it should pay private insurance companies to cover every citizen of the U.S. and then it needs to make sure that the insurance companies are making good on their obligations to the patient and the doctor.

The last 2 questions...Do I think we will have universal health care in the U.S. in the next 10 years? Yes. Do I believe that it will be a good system? No.

TTFN.

Chemistry and other reasons to become emotional

Today wasn't a good day. I hate sounding like I am constantly complaining. I don't tell people around me what is going on typically. Occasionally, when I have had too much and my functioning is obviously being affected, I will give a clue what it is about when asked. I cried through Chemistry again today. Unfortunately, today was worse than Friday. Why Chem? I don't know. But, it is such a small class that hiding my tears is really difficult - especially since the professor knows me so well and regularly makes eye contact with me. Today, it was just a matter of looking down and suffering. I kept sniffling to keep my nose from running down my face, but that simply made the situation worse. I considered leaving, but we are so smashed in there that getting up and exiting through the only door (at the front of the room) would have called much too much attention to myself. So, for 50 minutes I did a miserable job of fighting the tears. I couldn't stop them. I am tired of feeling this way. I am angry that it is having such a horrible affect on my studies. I would really like to drop out of school for the semester but it is not an option so I just need to buckle down and get it done. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to have such an impact on me...I can't believe that I have allowed it to affect me this much. Damn it. Tonight, a friend of mine came over to workout. Unfortunately, I began having chest pain and became dizzy shortly before she got here. Luckily (I suppose), she is a cardiac nurse and became concerned. I attribute it to nothing more than stress and emotional overload. My BP was fairly normal and my pulse was completely normal. I'm not dead...I guess that is a good sign.

Anyway, tomorrow in the life of this post-bacc student includes Physics Lab and Chem Lab. Physics Lab is never exactly "fun" considering that I am having trouble conceptualizing what the heck is going on in there. But, Chem lab is nothing short of a joke. I have a fabulous lab partner and the write up is the most time consuming part. I began a new painting a couple of days ago. Obviously, it not complete...nowhere close. But...the camera is here and so:

I really should be studying. Guess what? I am not. I am SO not in the mood. I have a Chemistry exam next week. Hopefully, she will post the mock exam soon. Those are always so helpful. If you can do the problems on that, you are in great shape for the exam. Usually, the actual thing is just the mock with different numbers. This professor really does want her students to succeed and it is so obvious. I don't know why though. Last semester, my class was so awful. Had I been her, I would have wanted to fail all of us...for no other reason than guilt by association with the others in the class then never returned. This is the fourth time I have had her...for a variety of Chem classes. Definitely the best prof I have ever had. Perhaps not the easiest, but the best. I feel like I have learned something after her courses. I actually feel smarter...like I am prepared for the next thing. I can't say that I feel that way with the vast majority of my other classes.

Anyway, I am going to grab an apple downstairs and maybe get a back massage from hubby. Until next time...be safe.

Dr. Underdog