Another book recommendation

I just finished reading "The Anatomy of Hope" by Jerome Groopman, M.D.. Kate said she had read it, found it to be wonderful and suggested that I try it out. She has suggested Groopman's books in the past, but it wasn't until my husband read "How Doctors Think" that I began reading his work. Dr. Groopman is a regular contributor to The New Yorker to which I subscribe but sadly rarely read. I found myself pulling for the patients in the book and becoming angry with them on occasion. You am sure that you will too. If "Final Exam" was 5 stars, I would say that "The Anatomy of Hope" scores 4 stars. Definitely a must read for anyone with half an interest in medicine or psychology.

Joseph's Lullaby - Completed

Perhaps my mind is a bit preoccupied with cancer right now. But, I found this and it is amazing. The story on JosephsLullaby.com

Moving on and holding on

I just want to get something straight that I am sure some are thinking...YES, I KNOW THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME! This blog is comprised of MY thoughts and MY feelings from MY perspective so it is not objective in any way. Now, with that out of the way...


I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted, but much better overall. The care package was a huge hit and that made me so happy. Obviously, I saw Kate today. It was a rather tearful encounter, but it wouldn't have been had she not pushed me. I told her repeatedly that I didn't want to talk about how I felt with her because that was totally horrible and unfair. She kept pushing and pushing and PUSHING. So, damn...there it went. She was in a fabulous mood and I really wanted to keep it there. Unfortunately, I think I was overcompensating for feeling so sad by putting on this disastrous front to hide my true emotions. Even I wasn't buying it but couldn't correct in time. Anyway, long story short. Chemo begins September 10, just after radiation ends.

I didn't cry after seeing her today. I talked her briefly on the phone as I neared my house, but it was nothing big.

I am going to try to out this in the back of my mind for a few weeks. I will send her a little note next week just to let her know that we are praying for her, but other than that I really want to keep my mind on school. Funny, through the whole thing today she somehow found a way to relate EVERYTHING to school or medicine whether or not it was related. Go figure. That is so her.

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful role model. Please keep her in your prayers.

Emotional pain, physical hurt.

Why can't I deal with this better? This morning, while talking to my best friend, I recounted all that was going on. I realized what a sad time this is. I was selfishly hoping that gathering this little care package for Kate would be a therapeutic activity, but while walking into Nordstrom I was fighting back tears. It was awful. I spent a couple of hours out shopping for she and hubby. Hubby ended up scoring 6 new ties. His ties really go through the ringer at the hospital. I don't even want to touch them. I forced myself to stay out longer than I wanted to mainly because I know that curling up in bed is not a healthy thing to do. I can't help but feel that I have no right to feel the way I do. Kate herself would lecture me about feeling that way so I have to laugh. I have decided to get a counselor to deal with this. Yeah, it is affecting me THAT much. It is one of those things...you want to get over it, but you really can't stand the thought of being able to ignore it. Classes begin a week from today. This semester will be dedicated to her. She will finish the currently prescribed 6 rounds of chemo about the time I complete the semester. Actually, she will finish chemo as I begin Kaplan. Ha Ha Ha. She has been bugging me to take Kaplan for months. Every time she asks me if I am going to take it and I respond "Yes" (which I always have since it has been the plan all along) she says "Good" and then proceeds to ask me the same question the next time I see her and the opportunity arises. You would think that she owned stock in the friggin' company or something. Maybe she does.

I know I am internalizing this way too much, but it seems impossible to do anything else right now. I have no appetite, I am sad, and have really no desire to talk to anyone. Selfishly, this MUST change SOMEHOW in the next 7 days.

We returned today from vacation. While it was a wonderfully relaxing and very special time, I strained to keep Kate off of my mind. I felt selfish doing that. I decided to make a special "care package" of sorts for her so it changed the mood from sad to excited. I called a friend of mine this evening who was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago, endured a double mastectomy, the cancer metastasized, and today the tumors are inactive. I wanted to call and see how she was doing and get her input about items to put into my little pack of love for Kate. She was overwhelmingly helpful with so many different questions I had. What was the "right" thing to do? What was the "wrong" thing to do? Tomorrow, I am heading out to buy some cute PJs, some Werther's Original candies, lemon drops, and Gatorade. Apparently, Werther's are a great thing for stimulating saliva and are one of the few things that my friend was still able to taste while she was undergoing chemo.

I also got word while we were on vacation that a woman, Judy*, that I have known for more than 20 years was found dead on Sunday. Her parents have always been very close friends of my parents until her father suddenly passed away 5 years ago. Her mother remains very tight with my parents. Judy's life was a tragic one. Adopted into an extremely loving home when she was very young (if not an infant), Judy was an only child. Her father doted on her mercilessly. She was rebellious and became pregnant well before we were 20. She went on to 4 children with 4 different fathers. She married a man that turned out to be heavily into drugs. There was already suspicion that she was using, so her choice of partners was not a surprise. Her father called her one day from his car saying that he felt weird. He then died from a stroke on the side of the road. The following year, she awoke to find her husband dead in bed beside her. She died Sunday in much the same way. Two of her children had been put up for adoption as infants, but she leaves behind 2 young boys to be raised by their grandmother who has lost her husband, daughter and son-in-law in a matter of 5 years.

It was a situation in which you could see what was wrong, but despite everyone's best efforts nothing changed. I need to send her mom a card tomorrow. What do you say??? I first met Judy in the 6th grade so I can't claim that I didn't know her. What the heck does something say at a time like this?

*not real name

Numb

How does one get over something? Stupid, I know. I feel like I don't have a right to my feelings. I didn't sleep well last night. Somewhere around 2:15am I woke up just to see that I had not turned off the TV before I somehow dozed off and now a talentless installment of "The Greg Behrendt Show" was mocking me in its own little way. Luckily, my husband's phone (as it is known to do) accidentally called me at 2:34 from the hospital. It is during these phone calls that I listen to the ambient sounds of a break room or cafeteria and yell "Hello?" into the receiver. Eventually, I page him and tell him that his pants have called me again. Two thirty in the morning or not, when I finally got him on the phone we talked for a while.

This morning, I was still preoccupied with Kate's diagnosis. I searched the websites of all the major medical centers that she had said had been consulted and found essentially the same thing on each one. What was I expecting? Really. I did learn a bit more about the specific radiation treatment that she said she had begun. I finished "Final Exam" and thumbed through "getting into med school" books. The end of "Final Exam" was as wonderful as the rest of the book had been, but my mind kept replaying the conversation from yesterday.

Gosh. (It seems like such an insubstantial word.) But, gosh, what must she be feeling? Why didn't I just ask? She kept talking. She wanted to. Why did I feel like I had to keep some level of strength in the conversation? It was up to her, why didn't I give her what perhaps she wanted? Geez, I don't know. What is she thinking? Is more effort going into keeping a positive attitude or praying that other people don't get you down? I was grateful for the gush of information she gave me yesterday. I have a hard time prying into her life that way. Funny, we actually talked about that yesterday. She said that I had been distancing her. Weird. I didn't see it that way, but looking back perhaps she was right.

I am numb in a very weird way. I feel like I don't have the right to feel like this. I feel helpless and I am angry at myself for thinking of ME at all.

Damn.

Unfortunately, my intuition was correct. My mentor, Kate* a wonderful person that I care for and appreciate very much, has cancer. A very rare type, so treatment is kind of still up for debate.

She told me today. Actually, I kind of told her. We were talking when she stopped, much like she did almost 2 months ago. I simply looked at her and said "You have cancer, don't you?" She said "Yes." I immediately burst into tears and covered my face. It was a reaction that I have never had before. I knew I had to get myself together. When I managed to lift my head from my hands, I saw her eyes also full of tears. She wanted to know how I had known. "No one knew, how did you?" she asked. The only way I could explain it was "I just did." Not a line full of brilliance or comfort, just the truth. The disgusting truth. How was she feeling when she was told? Was it difficult to tell others or therapeutic? She joked about the wig in her future and how she had wanted to get "big hair" but her family protested. Was all that she was telling me for her benefit or mine? I was hoping it was for her. As much as I wanted to alleviate her pain, was she really as happy-go-lucky about the situation as she would have seemed to have others believe? Had I hurt her with my reaction? What did she want from me? Was I delivering? How could I help?

Cancer is not a new thing for me. I have known many people who have had it, some have lost the battle but thankfully most are winning. My aunt/godmother was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and has now been cancer-free for four years. A dear friend, Monica* was diagnosed with breast cancer which later metastasized to her lungs and brain. She is currently in remission. My father-in-law, whom I never knew, died from 3 primary cancers. Bob*, a guy that I had known for many years as a family friend and then later dated very briefly, unfortunately died of 2 brain tumors. It was a horrible death. A terrible, slow progression capped by a discolored body lying lifeless in an open coffin.

It took me 4 hours to get home because of traffic. I needed every minute of those four hours. I was glad to be alone so that I could cry, think and prepare. What is going through her mind? What is she feeling?

I need to head back to the halls of the cancer center and start volunteering again. It is the place where I feel useful.

You are in my prayers, Kate. I hope you know that.




* not his/her real name

Final Exam (not mine) and the news

I am reading a wonderful book entitled "Final Exam - A Surgeon's Reflections on Mortality" by Pauline Chen. It is a wonderful glimpse into the mind of a physician on dying through stories of her own experience from medical school through practice. I have enjoyed this book immensely, but in the interest of not divulging too much, thus ruining the book for anyone, I will simply say that it is an easy read and one that I HIGHLY recommend. If Dr. Chen keeps a blog, I would love to add it to my regular reads. Does anyone know?

My husband and I are going to the beach for a few days come Sunday and I am really looking forward to spending time with him. While I have had my share of busy days working on that stupid, and thankfully over, pre-calc class, he is the one who has been truly slammed. So, more than anything I am hoping that he finds the vacation to be relaxing and rejuvenating. I have a tendency to be demanding and moody (which manifests itself as anger) and I really don't want that to come out during the time away. I have really been working hard on my anger and feel as though I am doing fairly well. He doesn't deserve what I put him through and I am working hard to change it. Don't get me wrong, I am not violent with him or anything, but being around someone who seems to be angry about everything can be a real drain I am certain.


The news has been a bit upsetting in recent days. Especially the trapped miners in Utah. Why is it that we can perform surgery remotely, but can't manage the technology to mine coal remotely and save lives - short and long term. Since the turn of the twentieth century, there have been 104,621 mining fatalities. That is just a bit less than 1000/year. Yikes! I am certainly not an expert or even one who keeps up with mine disasters, but another thing that infuriates me is the fact that during the current accident in Utah, the owner of the mine has had the audacity to claim that an earthquake was the culprit when all signs and seismologists point to the fact that the readings that he is citing were actually caused by the mine failure itself. I understand that the loss of mining to robots would result in hardships for many families who depend upon the mining profession. But, the fact of the matter is that the owners are in it for profit and aren't going to sink those profits into making working conditions safer. What is the price tag that we place on human life?


I must go. The shower is calling my name and then perhaps a few more pages of Dr. Chen's book.

TTFN,
Dr. Underdog


P.S. I have been asked what "TTFN" stands for..."Ta Ta For Now"...didn't anyone ever watch Winnie the Pooh? ;-) A Tigger phrase.

It is over. RIP you horrible math class.

Thank GOD!

I woke up this morning, grabbed my laptop, and OMG! there it was...my grade. I had been sweating for a B. I was scared out of my mind.My grades were consistent with a B, but in my world you never know what can happen. I thought that final accounted for 25% of my grade. Thankfully, I was wrong.

The day that I went in to take the final, the A/C was broken. On top of that, the small testing center was packed to the max with hot bodies sweating it out. I was one of them. This was not the way I had wanted to take my exam. It was my FINAL! A QUARTER of my grade. I was nervous. I was glad that it was over. I had given it all I had and it was over, but I was still scared. After all, I was certain that I had aced my second campus exam and all I had to show for it was a 78. Ugh.


So, this morning when I looked at Blackboard I began to scream.
Final Exam : 97
Final Grade: A

Add 5 credit hours of an A to my BCPM and my overall...I am one super happy camper!

Test Anxiety...at a really bad time

My final is today. Actually, it is whenever I get in there. I am so nervous that it is already having an affect on what I can recall. I looked over my old tests last night expecting to pick out a bunch of stuff that couldn't remember doing, but the result was quite the opposite. I was extremely comfortable with the material. Then, my husband had to make the stupid...STUPID...mistake of saying "It IS 25% of your grade." I freaked. I didn't sleep well. I don't feel good. I feel like I have had too much caffeine when I have really had none at all. I am trying to decide if I should continue to feed into my nervous frenzy and review the stuff over and over or should I just go take the dumb exam? I have not done any problems in 3 days. The almost seems second nature to me, which a completely strange feeling. But, the more I look at it, the more I realize what I could forget so I look over it again and again. I can't put the test off until tomorrow. This is the last day. In a few hours, this class will be behind me. I feel like going in and taking it now would be irresponsible, but I can't bear to look at it anymore. I am beyond the point where I can judge prudence. Unfortunately, I am also at the point where I somewhat don't care. I am getting a migraine thinking about it so much.

Ok, I don't care. I know what I know. I don't know what I don't know. Just PLEASE GOD let me get a B. How sad. I went from an A to a B. I have this stupid idea in my head that the best I can do is a B in a class that I deem to be "real." Apparently, I was taking 3 "fake" ones last term. Anyway, grades seem to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My post-bacc GPA is a 3.0 +. Not a 4.0. Ugh.

Ok, enough trying to calm myself down. I am going to take a shower and leave. No make up. No primping. Just throw on some clothes and get this thing over with.

Wish me luck.

A Few Interesting Reads

Sometimes the news can be interesting, if not downright entertaining. Sometimes it makes you scratch your head and ask "What the...?" Here are a few interesting reads from the last couple of days:

Operating Table Fires

Drunk Astronauts

Feline Grim Reaper

Well, DUH! Who didn't know this?

Sniff..sniff. This is a sad one.

Why people shouldn't go into medicine for the money...bad decisions.



I could go on, but I will spare you. Good night.

Dr. U

Short Study Break

I must complete 3 sections for my Pre-Calc class today. I have completed one so far. Luckily, I am a bit more enthused about it today considering they are my LAST 3 sections for the semester. I take my last campus test tomorrow and my final on Monday. By Monday afternoon, I will have completed 19 exams for this class in just over 5 weeks. I have really had to hump it because I got a late start. Either way, I am thrilled that it will soon be over. This calls for a little iTunes...hold on.

That's better.

My sister-in-law had a baby last weekend. I am really torn about this. She and I do not get along...AT ALL. She has been horrible to me since she met me. Actually, before she met me. My MIL wasn't exactly a big fan of mine in the beginning either. Ultimately, we were extremely close and loved each other tremendously. She admitted that it wasn't "me" ...it was the idea of me. It could have been anyone. She fought for my husband's attention/loyalty pretty until she died. He never wavered in his dedication to me. I could not have felt anymore supported. Pardon me if I have written this in an earlier post, I pay little attention to what I write in previous posts and just spill what I am thinking at the moment.

Anyway, she had this child. She is not a responsible adult. She has always wanted a "baby." What she doesn't seem to get is that that "babies" don't remain "babies." They grow up. She is not mentally or emotionally stable. She married her husband for his sperm. She admits this. (Does that give you an indication of what we have going here?) My husband and his sister are not close. But, she will call and pull this crap about their parents (both of whom have passed) and how she is emotionally a mess or how it would be so great to have them here or whatever. Ok, I don't have the first clue what it would be like not to have my parents. I was estranged from them for awhile due to abuse, but they are both very much alive and we are now mending our relationship. My husband has expressed no interest in having any more of a relationship with her than they currently have. A phone call here and there and they are on speaking terms. We do not get together though we live within 2 hours of each other. We didn't get together when we lived in the same area. She is a drain. I have repeatedly asked him if he would like to get together with them, if he would like to have more of a relationship, how much of a role he would like to play in this child's life...etc. He says that he doesn't want any more than what currently exists.

Again..I say: Anyway, she had this baby. This kid has no family other than her screwy mom and alcoholic dad. His family lives in Illinois. My SIL doesn't want to move there, despite the fact that her husband owns a house there and the cost of living is about half of where they are currently living, he wants to move, he can find job, and she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to move because she doesn't like change. She has no ties to the area anymore. The family is all moved or deceased. She spends her time in their apartment amidst a sea of unopened QVC boxes, watching TV waiting for the opportunity to add to her cardboard world.

I don't want to deprive this child of a family because her mom is an idiot. I remember what that was like...my mom couldn't get along with her siblings and I loved them. I didn't get to spend as much time with my cousins as I would have liked nor see my aunt and uncle like I would have liked. I don't want to hurt a child because of the "sins" of her mother. It is almost an ethical dilemma for me. The stress level that accompanies the thought of having to be in the same room with my SIL makes me ill.

Any suggestions?

Asthma, studying and so on and so forth

It seems that my asthma is getting worse. I don't quite understand it, except perhaps to attribute it higher pollen counts in the air. I vary rarely take a puff from my Albuterol (aka rescue/fast acting inhaler), but I did this morning. I was wheezing up a storm. Luckily, I don't necessarily feel short of breath when I am wheezing which strikes me as kind of strange. I have an appointment with a pulmonologist on the 2nd, so that should explain a lot.

I have continued to work diligently on my distance learning course. I think I like this method of learning a lot better than lecture. I never thought that I would say that. But, I seem to be retaining more and understanding it better the first time around. Definitely a plus when it comes to studying for the MCAT in my opinion.

As soon as I complete this course, which will be on July 30th, I will begin a correspondence course that I have actually already taken but didn't put an ounce of effort into. I am hoping to replace the grade (for AACOM) and have it average (for AMCAS). Just a measly Medical Terminology class that I should have never gotten a C in in the first place, but I guess when you don't look at the stuff and take the final cold, a C is what you deserve. I know what to expect, because I am taking it at my uGrad univ which is where I took it the first time. I can't believe that THIS is a class I have to repeat. I wish I would repeat some others, but they are specialized classes in Health Administration that would have to be taken on campus and campus is nearly 2000 miles away.

I will be taking the GRE in October most likely, in order for me to apply to the MPH program. I will take the MCAT in May and submit AMCAS and AACOM in June. I will only be applying to my state schools this cycle and fall back on the MPH. We will have to see what happens.

I need to get my stuff in order to give to my LOR (letter of recommendation) writers. I am really looking forward to this class ending...successfully.

photo: Kimberly-Clark/AP


I don't know that I have anything substantive to write today, but true to form I will post anyway. I have been spending a lot of time studying. It is pretty sad, the things one will do when completely bored out of their mind, but fully aware that it must be endured. I am studying trig. Specifically, Analytic Trigonometry. Which, of course SOUNDS a heck of a lot more impressive than it is. So, in an effort to entertain myself, I worked the words "Analytic Trigonometry" into a short conversation with my husband as many times as I possibly could. Pretty funny from where I stood. But, I guess anything is funny after staring at a book for hours upon end. Thankfully, this class ends in 2 weeks. I will take my final on July 30th.

The weekend before I take my exam, we are throwing a party for a couple of my husband's colleagues who are graduating. Being a proud 6th generation Texan (currently not living there), I am making authentic Tex-Mex including homemade tortillas. I am so used to being able to go to the grocery store and picking up all the things I need...like tortilla mix and jalapenos. I went to 3 stores the other day looking for jalapenos! What kind of self-respecting store runs out of jalapenos??? Not to mention what it cost me to order 16 pounds of preparada (flour tortilla mix) from a store in Houston and have it shipped. But, it means a lot to my honey and I would do anything for him.

Being a TP connoisseur and avid user of the fabulous stuff (ok, I have a healthy colon and drink a lot of water ;-) ... I am horrified by THIS.

The theme for the next 3 weeks or so will be "It is almost over." I knew I hated math. Only a few more weeks and I am finished with it for good. Of course, that is what I said about formal education when I graduated from college. I have an exam tomorrow at noon and then another one Thursday at the same time. I postponed it from its originally scheduled date of today. I was having a freak out session last night and of course it rendered me totally stupid. Funny how that happens.

I secured another LOR (letter of recommendation) today...from my Biomedical Research prof. Actually, he VOLUNTEERED to write it. Weird! I didn't even ask him. I was eventually going to, but cool! That made me feel great. I am not sure if I will be working in a lab this year or not. I would like to see how things are done and get to put it on my application next year, but if it really would be totally useless and I would contribute absolutely nothing which would result in a completely negative (and therefore nonexistent) LOR, then is it really the brightest place to spend my time? The aforementioned BioMed prof gave me the names of some people at the med school that he collaborates with and whose research is more clinically based. He thinks that that is where I should devote my time if I decide to go forward with it. It is great to have someone who is completely not threatening who will answer questions so that I don't waste a year of my life. Not that being exposed to something that I have never been exposed to before would be a "waste"...

I have spent the last 6 hours retaking exams to prep myself for my big exam tomorrow. I think studying is over for the night.

Over and out.
Dr Underdog

I'm laughing at you

I really can't stand people with superiority complexes...especially when they have absolutely nothing to be flaunting. I know, I know, "Hey, Dr. Underdog, you are going into the wrong field if you are turned off by egos." Egos are one thing. I laugh at most people...egos are entertaining. I have a couple of friends who recently showed their true colors. It was a total turn off. Each began speaking down to me like I was a child that didn't know her head from her back end. If that person/those people could have known the laughter that was going on in my head at those moments. Why is it that people find it so important to be that way? It is always a great "go to" for humor, but for some it is reality. What happened in those lives that leads one to behave that way?
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not blameless in this. I never claimed to be...but WOW!

I have often thought about foregoing the whole anonymous blog thing and spilling the details of everything, but it is times like this when I am glad I have left it the way it is. The only people who know whose blog this is are people that really don't "know" me anyway. I mean, they online know me and I have met a few, but the people that I deal with face to face everyday have no clue about this blog. This is where my head can take all of that laughter that has been stored up from people making idiots of themselves and it can run rampant all over the screen.

Laugh...it is the best revenge.

Specialties - quit asking

Way too often, when I tell someone the path I am on, I am asked what kind of medicine I want to practice. In other words, what specialty have I chosen before I even enter medical school? I suppose that everyone who chooses this route has an idea...at least SOME idea before they enter, I am sure that that notion is what sent them this way in the first place. I thought I wanted to be a pediatric oncologist way back when. Not a bad gig I suppose, but I am 32 now and fellowships are long. Not to mention, those peds patients come with parents. Bummer. Parents will keep me from peds I am sure. I was sure I wanted a career in surgery. Um, not anymore. I am sure the queasiness will subside, but I wasn't enthralled enough in the process to devote my life to it. Maybe oncology? Maybe, maybe not. Internal medicine or family practice? Likely. Most people aren't impressed by that answer. Sadly, most are put off by that answer as if it is not acceptable - as if doctors should all practice something with 15 PGYs. In what a pitiful position they would find themselves without their family doc. Mine is my go to. I trust her. She has made a difference in my life. She is committed and passionate about what she does. Does it require a scalpel to possess these characteristics? Not in my opinion.

Bravo to those who have known they want to be a urologist since they were knee high to a grasshopper and put the blinders on to any and everything else. I am not one of those. I feel like it would short change me and my future patients to choose a specialty before being exposed to all that medicine has to offer. If I end up specializing in whatever I enter medical school with a desire to do, then great. But, med school is to learn. It is training. Maybe I will end up specializing in liposuction of only the left pinkie finger. HA! Do they have a name for that? Besides, what possesses one to chose UROLOGY as a kid? That must have been one messed up childhood! ;)

My homework is here but my mind is elsewhere

I am trying to study. It is Friday night and I am not in the mood but I know I need to do it. Usually, I fall into a rhythm and I really don't want to stop. For a brief moment, I enjoy math. Tonight is not one of those cases. I am learning completely new material and my mind is not on it. I am trying, but something else consumes me. I was speaking with my mentor earlier today and suddenly she stopped. "Dr. Underdog, we need to change gears for just a second," she said. I sat there confused. She told me bluntly that she was going to have a hysterectomy and would be out of commission for about 4 weeks. I asked if she was OK. "Yeah...well, I will be." She told me about how she had asked about having liposuction performed at the same time but that, due to mass loss it was not going to happen. She joked about asking for a face lift as an alternative. We discussed how much weight she would lose as a result of the removal of the organs and she was surprised. I knew the numbers because my mother had the surgery done when I was in junior high. We joked on. She mentioned that "they" told her she had to have it done. In other words, this is not an elective procedure. I gathered that by her initial response: "I will be." She said that she would be available via phone and email until she is back on her feet... "You know how I deal with being down," she remarked.

I didn't press the subject very hard. I felt that she told me more than she needed to and I was grateful. But, it is obvious that this is not a benign situation and that is what has my mind right now. If it weren't for her, I would never be on this path in the first place. I would have remained a dreamer and not a doer. I would still be wondering what could have been and not looking forward to applying to medical school next year. I would still not be able to read. I would not be... a lot of good things.

This week was already one of thinking as I received an email from my dad that a man that had meant a lot to me growing up had died. Sonny was the husband of my youth minister, Mary Jayne, when I was in high school. I was extremely active in my church and spent a lot of time with them at various things and have great memories of times at their lake house where they eventually moved. Later, in my early 20s, I converted out of the Catholic church and married a Methodist minister. My parents had already made it clear to me that they were not happy about my conversion. Sonny had returned to seminary and became a deacon in the Catholic church, the highest position allowed to a married man. Unfortunately, our last encounter was not a good one. I was in Mary Jayne's office in my late 20s and Sonny walked down the hall. He saw me and walked right by. All he had to say (not even to me, but about me) was "Don't get near her, she will convert you." I laughed it off and tried to hug him, but he practically ran from me. It hurt. One of these days I will write about the hatefulness of those within the church and the pain of being a pastor's wife. But, for now, the world lost a great guy. Despite the way he treated me that day. Sonny died on June 8. While driving, he pulled over to the side of the road and had a heart attack. Sonny's picture (obviously in deacon robes) is the picture at the top of this post.

Whatever the underlying situation with my mentor, I pray that she is not lost. Call me selfish. Perhaps that is why math is the last thing on my mind.

Jury Duty interrupting my education

Returned from Chicago and the OPM conference last night. It wasn't very good this year, consequently I didn't attend very many of the sessions. But, got some shopping done and got to spend a bunch of time with some friends from SDN.

It looks like I am going to have to drop my Chem lab. I was summoned to jury duty for the MONTH of JULY. You read that correctly - MONTH. As they direct, I submitted a request to be excused based upon my class schedule during that time and they have yet to respond. The only people that can grant the excuse are the judges and the summons specifically says not to call for that because it won't be done. So...the deadline to get the request in is June 15 which means they probably won't even look at it until the 15th. Unfortunately, the deadline to drop the lab (which meets 6x/week = 3 days/2x day) is TODAY. So, unless I get something in the mail today, I am going to have to drop. It isn't such a bad thing. I will add it to the Fall (hopefully) and just be slammed with labs. I can use the extra time to work on my math. I got an email from my distance learning prof this morning asking what was going on since I haven't submitted any work thus far. I am sending an exam out today, I just haven't yet. I am behind, but not out of my mind behind. Now, it will be the only thing I have to do for the summer so everything will be fine. I hope.

Lots of things to do today.
1. Buy a gift for a friend who just had a baby
2. Pick up my best friend's birthday gift
3. Sign the release so the body shop can get started on my Xterra from the accident last week
4. Mail exam to prof
5. Pick up package at the post office that hubby has been waiting for
6. Drop class
7. Study....thankfully I got quite a bit done this morning
8. Grocery store

That's all off the top of my head. I am sure there is more, but that's what immediately comes to mind.

If I expect to get it all done, I had better get a move on.

Later!
Dr. U

Leaving for OPM in the morning.

**Unfortunately, there was some bad news last night. A transplant crew from the University of Michigan crashed into Lake Michigan and there are no known survivors. Very, very sad.
Based upon the specialties of the docs, it is apparent that the recipient was to be a child. Read more here. **

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One more day until I leave for OPM! Tomorrow night will be spent on a train to the Midwest since I am not a flier (at least right now) and Thursday night it is sushi in Chi-town with 3 fellow SDNers. I have been looking forward to this weekend since the last one - last June. I have not been studying as much as I should be... I am hoping to make up some time on the train.

I am still a bit sick. Ugh. I used never to get sick. What the heck? It seems like I am always coming down with something now. Anyway, I have lost a couple of pounds of muscle in the last week or so. Food hasn't been very appealing either...so I am hoping that perhaps I lost at least an OUNCE of fat. But, I am not optimistic. Today's agenda includes a mani, pedi, eyebrow wax, laundry, packing and few other errands. I also will be making dinner. This is somewhat unusual so I include it. Between hubby's schedule at the hospital and mine, dinner at home is not a frequent occurrence. I suppose that is good, seeing as though my cooking is pretty bad. The house is a complete wreck and I feel awful about leaving it like this while I am away because I know he will clean. But, the last thing I want to do is get all those dust bunnies and chemical molecules into my lungs. I am trying to get things out of there right now...not add more.

After reviewing a bunch of profiles on mdapps, I have decided to apply next cycle as originally planned instead of just making it "my first go-round" with plans for failure. I am pretty sold on DO. I would not turn down an allopathic spot, but I really believe in osteopathy and I believe that is where I should be. The unfortunate part of that is that the school 3 miles from me is MD. The closest allopathic is like 3 -5 hours away. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but I am married. We have discussed this a million times. We will make it through, I am not concerned about that. I just don't want to give him the idea that I am choosing school over him. That couldn't be further from the truth. He will be going into a position in the church in which he will need me by his side. I mean, not necessarily NEED, but it will look better for him as a pastor.

Ok, it is off to mani/pedi for me! Adios.