Underdog, PA-C (formerly Dr. Underdog)

The Last Post

2009-11-28T19:32:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot happening in my life that has been, frankly, not so great. I have lost 2 friends to cancer in the last year, my dog had cancer (thankfully, now well), had a miscarriage, had a relapse and been hospitalized because of it, had a period of time where it was one health scare after another (thankfully, most is well), changed my life's direction, and at this point I am grieving. I have exposed illness and emotional shortcomings, dislikes, anger and the like. But, many people know of this blog. I should say, many people that I know in "real life" have been made aware of this blog in one way or another and with the death of Kate and the advent of my new career upon me, I find myself in a place where anonymity is important. I have kept this blog since 2006. Granted, at times I was a more reliable poster than others, but as things became more difficult I began to retreat to the safety of my pillow instead of sharing what I was enduring. I want the freedom to do that again, without the worry that those who know me will be reading. I need a method of release right now, a place to spill my guts, a place to reminisce and grieve...a place to find myself again...anonymously.

So, thank you dear reader(s). Thank you for those who have left comments and those who have not. Your encouragement as I have fought this or that over the years has been wonderful. I wish you well in your endeavors and always good health.

Take care.

-Me.

Goodnight Sweet Friend.

2009-11-21T13:18:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Though I have had nearly 2 weeks to deal with this, I am still at a loss and become nauseated each time I think of it.

My dear mentor, friend and physician Kate died from a recurrence of cervical cancer (sarcoma) on Monday, November 9, 2009. She was 54.

Maybe one day I will post her real name, she is one who affected not just those in her family and community, but society as a whole. I am better for having known her.

2009-01-13T11:48:00.003-05:00

Things are not going well. I am refusing to take the new medication that my doctor gave me for blood pressure. It carries with it the risk for noncardiogenic acute pulmonary edema. I have seen flash pulmonary edema and it is scary and life-threatening. I can't handle that risk. I have completely changed my diet and am engaging in relaxation exercises like yoga and meditation. So far, I don't think either one does a bit of good, but I will continue until I find something that does. I have increased my klonopin to try to get myself back on solid ground. That is undeniably a disappointment for me since I worked so hard to come off of it and now have to do it again. Obviously, trying to conceive in February is not going to happen. I have begun a protocol based upon some research first presented in 1999 and then again 2008 which utilizes Vitamin C and garlic bulb powder as a means to lower pressure by 9% in 4 weeks. I am hoping and praying that I benefit. Obviously, life is on hold right now. It is upsetting, but I can't do anything about iti at the very moment. Please keep me in your prayers. Thanks.

2009-01-11T09:28:00.003-05:00

I am sitting at home while hubby is at church. In my attempts at yoga yesterday, I pulled a huge muscle in my back. My anxiety has been especially high this week and I know that my shrink is getting tired of getting text messages from me. I went to the doctor on Friday and she put me on blood pressure meds. I took it for 2 days and will not take it again. It made me feel horrible. I am going to give myself 6 months on a low sodium diet with supplements to see what I can do naturally. I am at the point where I think that eastern medicine has gotten way too caught up and western medicine has it all right. A friend of mine had a BP of 210/110, did it the natural way and is now normal. In the last 24 hours I have read some very interesting new research that touts the efficacy of 500 mgs of Vitamin C and 650 mgs of garlic bulb powder daily to decrease BP an average of 9%. Nine percent would get me to where I need to be.

If it works, I am going to insist that my husband goes on it too. Actually, I will probably insist that he subscribe to the protocol when I do...immediately. His BP is high and his stress is higher. I am concerned about him. He hates his job. Well, not his entire job, just one portion of it, but it is significant.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Two important words.

2009-01-06T08:55:00.014-05:00

I am big on gratitude. The only thing I wanted to say to my friend before she died was "Thank you." Sometimes we only think to say it in the moment when a favor is done, a door is opened or a "bless you" is prayed. Sometimes, those words are more obligatory than heartfelt. What about in those moments when you are alone or are enjoying life without a care in the world? Who do you thank? God for life? A friend for love? A stranger for inspiration?

For me, the first one I thank is always God. Unless you are an atheist, this is pretty self-explanatory. As I have gone through trials (I don't mean to make it seem so dramatic or severe) in recent years, I have really thought a lot about what and who it has taken to get to each successful point along the way. My husband is an amazing man who is tremendously supportive of me in EVERYTHING that I do..regardless of how dumb or ill thought out. But, someone who has literally helped me with each step is my psychiatrist...or "therapist" if you are more comfortable with that term. I try to thank her regularly without being gushy, but I just don't feel that I am adequately conveying how I feel. For this reason, I should have titled this "An open letter of gratitude to Dr. X."

Dear Dr. X.,

How do I begin a letter that is responsible for saying so much but has only words to use? I know that many times I have expressed my gratitude for all you have done for me however, it remains inadequate. In the past 6 years, a lot has happened to both of us. Death (too much death), injury, love, hate, good fortune and not. As I am about to embark on another chapter in my life, I am acutely aware that I could not have gotten here without you. I am not the same person that I was six years ago, I have grown in many ways. You have led me. I am able to enjoy like unlike I have ever done before. I came to you heavily medicated without a hope in the world of "being clean" and carrying the hope for so much that was not possible because of it. I prayed for an end to my misery and God sent you. I have cried so many tears in the last six years and laughed so many laughs. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of how much more I LIVE than I used to. You have helped me peel away the painful layers of abuse and anxiety and for that I thank you. You have helped me to drop the belief that I am a horrible and insignificant person. You have challenged me to become all that I dreamed but more than I believed possible. You have helped me become an adult, long after I should have. You have shown me how to be a good wife to my husband and how not let the tragedy of my childhood mar that of my future child. You have demonstrated how to reach beyond oneself to accomplish what was so far away. You have given me the courage and the support to step outside of my comfort zone and take risks. Big, big risks. I have had many therapists in my lifetime and never has one made such a difference in my life. Perhaps you look at it as just a job or even a calling. Thank you for doing it well.

Sincerely, Dr. Underdog

The Benzos, the Bump and the Books.

2009-01-05T15:17:00.003-05:00

Here I am. Things are going pretty well. I am not feeling the effects of the decrease in meds as much as I was a few days ago. No more "surges" into my head at random times. It is about time for me to drop another 1/2 dose. Eek! I am now on a dose that is "safe" to get pregnant, but I really want to be off it all as does my doctor. We will start to try to conceive at the beginning on February. I am so excited!!! I have looked at more plus-sized belly pics than I can stand. Heck, it gives me something to do when I can't sleep at night. I am giving one more effort to losing a few pounds. I am doing Phase 1 of South Beach for the allotted 2 weeks. If it goes well, then I may continue for a third week, but I really can't go beyond that because we then get into baby-making time.

I am so excited and we are not even TTC yet. For those of you who don't know what the heck "TTC" means, it is trying to conceive. I had no idea what it was until my friend used the term a few years ago. Anyway, I am excited. I have ordered a couple of books for my husband who apparently thought that pregnancy tests showed positive/negative immediately. :)

I am actually quite happy to not have to go back to work. I just hope that feeling doesn't flow over into school. I will be finding out whether or not I got into nursing school in about 4 weeks. I don't know that I will actually go to the school that is my first choice, but I want to have the option. I know that sort of sounds funny. How can it be my first choice if I am not sure I will actually go there if accepted? It is close, it is a great program, it is accelerated. From what I understand however, they are not very tolerant of pregnancy. Um, well... now you understand why. There are 3 other nursing schools locally and one killer of a program an hour away. I actually need to call my friend who talked me into applying to that one. She graduated from there and I want her write me a letter of recommendation. Actually, I need to go look at all that stuff...TTFN!

More fat talk.

2009-01-03T16:16:00.004-05:00

Anger is an issue for me. Not anger at other people, but at myself. How often do we hear no one can be harder on you than you are on yourself. That is me in a nutshell. I get angry when screw up playing tennis when I haven't picked up a racquet in years, I get angry when I look at myself in the mirror and my hair isn't just the way I want, and so often I get angry at myself for being fat. How did I let this happen? Why am I perpetuating it? Especially as we embark on this journey to have a child I am angry that I haven't successfully taken care of it before. I have been overweight for 8 years. I am not proud of that. I am actually disgusted by it. What makes it worse is that I have absolutely no concept of my size. I look at other people and try to get a picture of what I could look like. I ask my husband and best friend how my size compares to someone else. Not because it is a competition, but because I want to be able to look at someone and have some sort of concept of myself. The mirror doesn't hack it and pictures are distorted (if I allow them to be taken).

I am so frustrated with myself. I am so angry about my weight. I am not an ugly person nor do I carry it as poorly as I could (I think). But, the mere number on the scale sends my head spinning. Some peole have equated overweight pregnancy to child abuse. Is that what I am getting ready to do?

2009-01-01T13:13:00.003-05:00

I am sad. As much as the possibility of a code causes me anxiety and as horrible as the medication adjustments are making me feel awful, I am brokenhearted about quitting my job today. That is about all I will say about it. I need to work. I mean we are not destitute and will not go hungry, but if we expect to maintain or grow our retirement/savings accounts I need to work. Of course, if we want to have a child, I can't work...at least in that job. Thankfully, I am eligible for rehire.

Tomorrow, I go to the doctor...and again next week. Eventually, the meds will be settled and I will be too.

Late addition:
While I am still not happy about quitting my job and not happy about not having a job, I am beginning to see that this is really a good thing. I can be calm and focused on my pregnancy (whenever it may happen) and have time to study (until the baby gets here).

Fat chick.

2008-12-28T11:06:00.004-05:00

Today is Sunday. I will be going to the service at 4:30pm, which is unusual for me but I was so jittery this morning from decreasing my meds that I couldn't think of getting up and going. Hubby is preaching today, which he does about once a month. In a freak moment last night nearing 11pm, MSWord scrambled his sermon and he couldn't get it back. As you can imagine, he was slightly ticked. Long story short, he got it back and all was well with the world. So, while he has been off at church this morning, I have been here napping, watching TV and looking at plus sized pregnancy boards. I am so bummed that I am overweight. I have been for about 8 years. I have always fought the weight battle but I am extremely displeased at this moment. I have thought about attempting to lose the extra weight before getting pregnant (story of my life) but I am also concerned about the magical 35 age. I want to try to avoid it. When I met with my OB/GYN she wasn't concerned. She just said to eat right and that there were much bigger girls than me. I am 5'8, 240 lbs and I wear a size 20. I carry it throughout, not just in my hips, thighs, etc. I also have a decent amount of muscle. All this is more credit than I have given myself in the last 8 years. I used to be an athlete...muscular, in shape, you know the drill. I went into business with a collegue who was significantly overweight and her eating habits became mine. Unfortunately, I didn't exercise enough to combat those practices so here I am. Now I eat well for the most part - lots of whole grains, fruit, veggies, tons of water. I keep the sugar intake low and so forth. We have a friggin' gym that is well stocked in our house and my happy @## doesn't use it enough. (full disclosure: I also have mild hypothyrodism)

Anyway, my docs don't seem concerned with the weight. They just say that the weight gained during pregnancy will be limited to 15-20 pounds. I am not diabetic nor hypertensive. One doc just said that I should try to lose what I can in the time that I am d/cing my meds. Um, well...that has been NONE. Ugh. Not due to a lack of trying...just due to a lack of losing. How frustrating! I look forward to being pregnant and I look forward to having a child. My husband is uber-excited. It has been nice to read about plus sized women having really positive pregnancy and birth experiences. I have bought all the books...read all the horrible things that could happen and I refuse to read them over and over. This is going to be hard enough, I don't need to keep reading all the things that "could" happen. I am just going to follow my OB's advice...eat well and exercise. If I lose nothing, I lose nothing.

Off to work...

2008-12-26T12:53:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas...a day late. I had to work yesterday (bummer) and will finish up my 3 day run today at 7:30pm. I am 2 days from dropping to yet a lower dosage of my anxiety medication. That will be as low as it gets before completely d/cing it on Jan 2nd. I woke up last night a little jittery. This is not going to be easy. It already hasn't been. God has really been great to me in this whole deal...I never thought it would be possible to get to this low of a dosage and still act like a human being. I am so grateful for such a wonderful doctor who knows just how to talk to me and is so accessible. I can't believe that I am going to be in a position medically to have a baby. I never thought that I would ever get off of the meds. I can't tell you how happy I am. I am so grateful that I have a husband who is so understanding that I don't HAVE to work if it suits me better during the pregnancy. I will probably work some very short shifts and be going to school. Once I begin nursing school in May *fingers still crossed*, then I will most likely not work at all until I graduate. I would like to be able to do something from home even if it doesn't pay many bills. I know several people who sell on eBay and I have sold a few items myself. It was pretty easy, so perhaps I can do some of that.

I need to go get showered and ready for work...TTYL.

2008-12-23T10:45:00.003-05:00

I am going to try to keep up with this blog more consistently. (Um, well...we'll see how it goes.)

I was not in school this fall. I spent the time working and finishing my application for nursing school. I should hear in February whether or not I got into my first choice. *fingers crossed* It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I didn't get my first choice. I have an alternate plan for that case that would actually get me to my goal a year sooner. Another wrench has been voluntarily thrown into my plans. My husband and I have decided to have a baby. Well, that decision came months ago, but I have been dealing with coming off of medications and changing others to make it a safe environment for the child. Anyway, we are a go to start trying in January.

I have talked to a few friends who are in nursing school currently, including one that is in the program to which I applied. Doable? Yes. Easy? No. I would love to work things so that I deliver just before or just after finals. Of course, in a perfect world. Maybe not in mine. I am going to take the best pregnancy experience that I can get. Beyond that, I will work it out. In this case, I am rapidly approaching 35 and having a baby can't be postponed...school can...to a point.

I will be in class in the Spring. I will be taking my last pre-req for nursing school (like the 3 years prepping for med school wasn't enough).

11/18/08 approx 9:38 pm ET...

2008-12-18T22:38:00.004-05:00

She is gone.

The Thief Strikes Again.

2008-12-17T22:08:00.007-05:00

Cancer is about to claim yet another of my those I love. Somehow, after agonal breathing and death seemingly within the hour, my friend whom I wrote about below rallied and has clung to life for 24 additional hours. The family is all there and she has told everyone that she loves them. Perhaps I should back up. Almost 2 weeks ago, she was released from the hospital into the care of hospice because there was nothing more they could do. "Hug a lot, eat and drink anything you want, and get your affairs in order" were the instructions. Hubby and I immediately made plans to travel to San Antonio. We left a few days later. We were down there for a week during which I was able to spend some time with her and say my goodbyes. (Though not in those words.) I thanked her for what she had done for me over the 20 years we have know one another and most of all what she has meant to me. She gave both my husband and I each a pink stone to carry in our pockets think of her and offer a prayer. We all knew that it was to serve a longer purpose. I am so grateful for that time that I had with her. I am so grateful that my wonderfully supportive husband went with me. "Death is a part of the gig" as another cancer survivor friend of mine said recently. It most certainly is. We get the good...and we must bear the end of it. Cancer is a horrible end. A horrible, horrible end.

She has meant so much to me. I always was able to go to her with anything. She was more my mother than my own. I will miss her. Many, many people will. I will never be able to think of so many things without associating them with her. I will carry the rock that she placed in my hand with her own, now weak and somewhat disfigured by the disease that will soon take her, and I will remember all the good. Unfortunately, I have cancer to blame for this one too.

I do have happy things to write about and I will in another post. - My husband and I have decided to try start a family. I have a few challenges to overcome, before we can "get things going" but things are going well. Very well. - For now, please offer a prayer for a smooth transition for my dear friend. I have been. Death is coming...it's already been bad enough.

Too much of a bad thing

2008-07-16T19:48:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't posted in a few months. Really, there is no excuse except for I didn't want to write about what was going on. We went down to see my family a few weeks ago and I really wanted to a couple of people while we were down there. One being my friend that I wrote about in the last post. She was tired. That was to be expected. But, she looked great and actually managed to play a couple of games on the Wii while sitting. It was great. Obviously, the whole things is pretty horrible and I wish she didn't have to go through it. Just before we left, another friend of ours was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer. There is nothing good about that. And, to top it off, last week our wonderful 115 pound Leonberger who I have mentioned in several previous posts was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, it appears to be very treatable and common. We have an appointment with the surgeon on the 31st of this month. In the meantime, I have been interviewing at the hospital. I had an interview last week, one yesterday and one on Friday. One of these days they will say yes.

Anyway, I am really bummed about all the cancer floating around.

That's about all I have to say today.

Have a good one.

2008-04-18T22:34:00.004-04:00

I am in the middle of writing my Developmental Psych paper on the psychological and psychosocial aspects of cancer. Actually, it is more than that, but I am pretty sure that those are the only things he is interested in.

I just got off the phone and found out that a dear friend of mine that I have known for 20 years is dealing with cancer again. It began in her breast 4 years ago and metastasized to her liver and brain. Thankfully, the liver and brain are clear, but now she is back in chemo because of spots in her pelvis. Geez. I am supposed to go down to San Antonio in May and am terrified of the flight. I have been trying to wiggle my way out going, but hearing her on the phone tonight was extreme.

This week has been interesting. A long story, but I no longer have to attend my Developmental Psych class. I will send my paper with a friend on Monday and take my last exam online next weekend.

Sorry, Amanda keeps texting me and it is throwing off my train of thought.

Tomorrow, I go for recertification in CPR. Unfortunately, it will take all day. I need to mow the lawn this weekend too...hopefully I can get it in before it rains. I told hubby that I would do all the mowing and he is responsible for all the weeding. Frankly, I am getting the better deal because we have a heavily landscaped lawn and it is a mess. The lawn is large, but the mower is the one chomping the grass, not me.

One more week and I am finished with my Post-Baccalaureate work! Woo hoo!! On to nursing school. My, my how things have changed. :-)

Courage?

2008-03-25T11:59:00.003-04:00

I suppose it is time to update. I know, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but sometimes actually doing it forces me to reflect upon things that are going on in my life and sometimes I am not really up for that. Most of the time, I don't write about those which just leaves the post short and me feeling like a liar. Anyway...

I passed my EMT exam (written and practical) and got my "credentials" in the mail. LOL. Three of my classmates didn't, which is highly unfortunate since they were the 3 that I was closest to. Despite my initial feeling, I managed to get an 87% with the highest being 92% (my partner).

School is in full swing and I am sitting on a strong A (we don't do pluses and minuses where I go to school) in Developmental Psych and a strong B in Human Physiology. I am actually quite disappointed in the B since it is only because I couldn't get myself motivated to study for hte second exam that I have anything less than an A. Ugh.

I have begun to read a book that was recommended to me...The Courage to Heal. A pretty intense read if you are a member of the audience for whom it was intended. I was warned that it would be, but somehow managed to suck it up and read it anyway. It is a book for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I can't bring myself to doing the writing "exercises" so to speak. After this many years, I still can't write it. Writing is so permanent and it has never worked out well for me. It seems that anything personal that I write tends to be thrown back in my face in one way or another.

Speaking of the perpetrator of that "crime"...I have found out how to get my mother off of the phone when she calls...begin talking about myself. Sad, but true. She will blather on about my sister and her life and so on and so forth, and when I finally interject about what has been going on with me she gets eerily quiet and then says..."Well, I gotta go." Umm....Ok. While it does seem sad, I have blocked my mother out of my mind as a healthy person with anything positive to contribute and really kind of am excited about the fact that I can accomplish ending a conversation without being the one to say "Ok, Bye." If that were the case, she would simply tell everyone that I am a horrible person who doesn't want to talk to her.

It is a nice day outside. I am just chillin' as the laundry is being done and reading my book in short bursts.

First Call.

2008-02-26T11:31:00.005-05:00

I am nearing the end of my EMT class. All we are doing now are practicals. After being cancelled, getting food poisoning (or something..) and whatnot, I finally was able to fulfill my clinical hours. The first night, I was at the rescue squad where I am taking my class. I didn't really expect much action...and the time lived up to it. Not one call. I mean, that is good because it means that no one in our region was having a problem that necessitated calling 911, but on the other hand I didn't learn anything. The second night, I worked an overnight. It was at a station that generally gets plenty of calls. It was a slow night...we got 2. I had a great time. What a rush. We were sent on two priority 1 difficulty breathing calls. The more severe of which was a 39 yo/f. Two hours later, when we ran the second call to the same hospital, she still had a sat in the mid 80s. Likely, pneumonia. I rode with a fantastic crew. I would like to join them permanently, but it is quite time consuming for a voluntary position and the number of deaths of EMTs in the line of duty in my state was pretty high last year which freaks hubby out. So, I will have to decide what I am going to do. I am going to be getting a job, so I probably should just ride as an associate until I find out my schedule...whenever that may be.

I have my EMT final tomorrow and the state exam in a couple of weeks. I also have a Developmental Psych exam on Friday and Human Physiology on Monday. I am probably most ready for the Physiology exam..which I haven't studied for. I seem to understand that pretty easily. Thankfully. (and knock on wood)

I need to schedule the GRE and get studying. A lot pressure was alleviated when I changed to nursing, but I am not using the extra time wisely. I have to admit that I am not missing Physics and Chem though. :-)

Over and out for now. I am off today and need to run a few errands before the plumber gets here this afternoon (don't ask...issues, issues).

Over and out.

2008-02-12T08:08:00.001-05:00

Wow! I knew it had been awhile since I last posted, but it's been alomst 2 weeks. Today is the primary in my state. Unfortunately, due to our moves in the last 5 years or so, I am registered to vote somewhere way outside of my actual district....like 2 hours outside so I don't anticipate voting in the primary. I will have to get it squared away before the election.

The semester is in full swing and we have taken and had returned our first exams. In Developmental Psych I got a 95% and in Human Physiology I got a 97%. I am especially pleased with the score in Phys as that class is killer. We are due to take our final written exam (before the state one) in my EMT class on Monday. I don't anticipate that date actually holding true since we had a class cancelled on Saturday in which 2 lectures were to be covered. Actually, that is better because a friend of mine is coming into town to interview with the medical school here and now I don't have to stress about not having studied. The class itself is not difficult, it is the way that the questions are phrased that throws me.

I am not a hockey fan, but did you see that video of Richard Zednik's carotid getting cut by he skate of a teammate? Though it is in French, here is the best video of it I have seen. Apparently there was a similar injury some years back and that is included as well.

[sorry, I had to take out the video, it was totally messing up my layout]

Thank God he is ok.

Well, the dogs need to go out and I am ready for breakfast. Have a good day.

Super Blah.

2008-02-03T20:51:00.001-05:00

It's Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a football fan so that means reruns, laundry, internet or studying for me. Which of these would be the best choice? The one I am not doing. I had an exam in Developmental Psych last week and the scores were posted yesterday. I got a 95. I am very pleased with that. :) Tomorrow, I have to turn in my topic for my major paper for the semester. I will be writing it about pediatric cancer. Monday night, my 100 question "quiz" is due in EMT class and Wednesday I will be taking my first Physiology exam. I am not looking forward to that...at all.

I have been sleeping a lot. I don't really know why. All I seem to want to do is sleep. I have thought about whether it could be depression or just exhaustion. I can't see how I could possibly be exhausted and I have no idea what would have caused depression to rear its ugly head. Either way, it is getting on my nerves.

We have been eating at home a lot more to save money and eat healthier. Unfortunately, I think we are only accomplishing the money saving aspect. The caloric intake is really not that low. Tonight I made enchiladas. I need to make less. I cook as though we are a family of 5 and the 2 of us end up finishing it or really not having much left. That is not good. :( Anyway, I think that hubby is enjoying me cooking...you know, actually following a recipe. LOL.

I need to schedule to take the GRE. Random thought...but an important one.

Ok, outta here for now.

Blah, blah, blah

2008-01-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

I don't anticipate that this will be a very informative post, but I wanted to update anyway. School is going well. I have a couple of quizzes due tonight while will be no big deal, but I need to get them done. I also have my first exam in Developmental Psychology on Friday. Again, I don't anticipate that it will be a big deal, but it will be HUGE if I don't study. :(

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday. It was a great day and wonderfully relaxing. Hubby made a wonderful dinner, we ran some errands that I had to get done, snuggled, and, of course, went to church. My parents and my sister called in the evening and we had short conversations. Hubby and I watched stand up on Comedy Central until about 11:30pm and then it was off to snooze land.

This morning, I had a dental appointment at 8am so I was up and at 'em early. Obviously, I would have rather been still asleep than listening to the never ending conversation that goes on between my dentist and his hygienist over me. I think that is rather rude frankly. Every time I am in there (which has been a lot lately) they have this conversation about personal stuff like they haven't seen each other in years. They have been working together for 10 years and are obviously very close, but you just don't talk over the patient like they aren't there. I really like both of them, but that really bugs me.

Like I said...not a very informative post. But, I need to head off to class.

Bye.

Just complaining

2008-01-19T12:57:00.000-05:00

My husband says that EVERYTHING annoys me. Probably true. So, I decided to make a list of all the petty things that I can't stand.

1. Reality TV
2. When I watch reality TV
3. Shallow people
4. Carelessness
5. When black people use intimidation toward whites
6. When white people are accused of being racist when I am the one be discriminated against
7. When people (all ethnicities) are mean to one another based simply on their race
8. When people make judgments about others based on nothing
9. Inconsistency
10. When I overthink things
11. When I don't think enough
12. Vicki on "The Housewives of Orange County" (see #2)
13. Dismissive people
14. When the base from the stereo in the car next to me is so loud that it alters my heart rate
15. Hair extensions (I just don't get it)
16. When I don't learn from my mistakes
17. When I let fear rule my actions
18. Arrogance
19. ENTITLEMENT! Ugh.
20. Rude people
21. When there isn't any soap in a bathroom. EWW!
22. When the front door is not locked. (A couple of years ago, we had a random quadruple murder near us...yes, scary)
23. People who walk their dog off leash
24. People who do not pick up after their dog
23. People who do not make the effort to move out of the way when someone else is walking along the same path
24. Catty women
25. When people raise their hand in class just to show how smart they are
26. Lack of common sense

And...of course...

27. People who wear their Bluetooth EVERYWHERE!

In all fairness, there are many, MANY more.

But, what about the things that I like? The little things that make me smile. Let's explore that list.

1. God
2. My husband
3. Our dogs
4. Sleeping
5. Sunny, 70 degree days
6. Mountain biking
7. Knowing I did my best
8. Driving across the bridge with the top down on the car
9. Expressing myself intelligently
10. Deep conversations with friends
11. Trains
12. Having my eyebrows waxed and knowing that I don't have to go back for a month
13. Hammocks
14. Water
15. Making people laugh
16. Sucking it up and working out
17. Baseball caps
18. When people count me worthy to confide in
19. Snow
20. Sports
21. Hoodies
22. Animals
23. Opportunities to make a difference
24. Grass (the yard kind)
25. Sneakers...I am a freak about tennis shoes, running shoes, any athletic shoe!
26. Down to earth people
27. Music
28. Doing well on an exam

And...so much more

Another ouch...this one's not mine.

2008-01-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

I need to be reading for my classes, but...well, I'm not. I have a meeting in an hour and a half (that I really don't want to go to), then run a bunch of errands and go to a dental appointment at 2pm. Apparently, my husband had a busy evening while I was at my EMT class. A neighbor (and friend) of ours called and said that her husband had been in a car accident and needed some insurance info so would hubby mind watching her 2 young boys while she took it to him. Hubby said yes and jogged over to the house. As he was hurrying up the stairs to the house, he tripped and fell thrusting his finger into a brick retaining wall. Our friend wanted to take him to the ER, but hubby had an important meeting to get to (this was about 6:30pm) so he declined. (The meeting will be outlined below.) He put ice on the finger and went to the meeting. I got home at 10pm and knew nothing of what had transpired. He descended from the attic (our media room) with his hand on a bag of by then thawed peas. He proceeded to tell me he had hurt himself and recount the ENTIRE story of what had happened since I had left. Finally, I got to look at the finger. OMG. Yeah, it was a mess. I grabbed the knuckle and it was apparent that he had grossly dislocated it. I reduced the joint and ran out to the pharmacy to buy a splint and some Ibuprofen. How in the heck had he been able to tolerate the pain for nearly 4 hours and through a meeting?? OUCH! Putting it back in place made me light-headed...it was so crunchy. Perhaps I am not the best person to ask about dislocations. I have dislocated my shoulders 6 times (the right one has since been reconstructed) so my idea of the pain aroused by a dislocation comes from a much larger joint...and it was EXCRUCIATING! Poor guy. I was so in awe of how he calmly recounted everything that had happened as though he had stubbed his toe. Maybe it was that bit of laughter that he had to himself during "the meeting."

Ugh. The meeting.

5 HOURS LATER
Well, I was going to write about the meeting, but it has been one heck of a day so I think I will save it for later.

Over and out. Thanks for reading.

Physiology, Episiotomy and other words that end in "-OTOMY"

2008-01-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

Today was the first full day of Spring classes. I began my Developmental Psychology class last Monday, so that wasn't much of a surprise. The only other classroom course I am taking is Physiology. It is a huge class...those always are. The class is being taught by one of the profs from the medical school. It was getting a little scary when he was saying that you could still pass the course with something like a 30. OMG! I mean, with a 20 point spread for an A, it gives me hope but on the other hand what the heck has happened in the past that made these measures so necessary. A couple of my friends are in there so that is a plus. I am not taking the lab. I really don't need it and with the EMT course, my time is a bit short.

Tonight we are learning about obstetric emergencies and how to deliver a baby if the need arises. Fun, fun. LOL. I was watching episiotomies on YouTube. Geez, the things people will post on there! Anyway, I better get going. I need to grab a bite to eat before class.

Oops. Owww!

2008-01-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

I am supposed to be in class in 39 mins, but I am not going. I have been having a fibro flare and I was so exhausted yesterday when I took one of our dogs out that I fell hard onto the concrete and hurt every inch of my body. That didn't help the flare either..it just exacerbated it. Luckily, in this class we buy a textbook that has the outline in the back and that is what the prof presents to us in class...word for word. So, while I still feel horribly guilty about skipping class, I don't think it is going to make much of a difference. The mere thought of standing brings me to tears. Thankfully, hubby had taken off from work yesterday to work on some stuff and he was standing right there when I went down. Today guarantees to be a boring day. I am watching daytime television. I would like to go downstairs and get my books and a glass of water, but the thought makes my body hurt. So, it is Regis and Kelly for me right now. At least Regis isn't there...the guy is so annoying. Maybe I will watch an On Demand movie. I began watching Beloved the other day. It was pretty good. Unfortunately, as much as I like Oprah...she really is a horrible racist person. So sad. It doesn't do anyone any good. Don't get me wrong, she is no Al Sharpton but she certainly has quite a bit more influence. Overall, her positive influence is WAY more significant than the negative. Any way...I think I will watch a movie...maybe.

Have a great day.

2008-01-04T20:31:00.000-05:00

I saw Kate today. She looked wonderful. Her hair is gone, but her eyes are sparkling, her color is great and she seems to have put on some weight. I am so thrilled.

I discussed the transition to NP school and she was supportive. I think it surprised her. Frankly, it surprised me. Anyway, now that it is official I am in unfamiliar waters. I have spent so much time and effort (not to mention money) learning about what I need to do to get into medical school that I, of course, know little about the rest. I have done some investigating. I spoke with a friend who is in the program that I will be hopefully getting into and I have changed my schedule for next semester. Someone apparently dropped Human Physiology today and I was able to pick up that spot. No lab spot though. I will call and arrange an appointment at the nursing school next week to just sit and talk with someone about this and that. I will also be contacting an NP over at XYZ Cancer Center to see if I can get a few minutes with her to pick her brain. My mom called and they have a friend who is a Peds Onc NP in San Antonio and I will be shadowing her in May when I go down to visit.

The change is exciting and I think it will be a great fit, but now I have all this knowledge about med school admissions that is useless to me. It was fun learning about it the first time...I guess I better get back in the mood.

Decisions, decisions.

2008-01-02T13:47:00.000-05:00

I think I have decided to become an NP instead of an MD/DO. Why? I spent the other evening in the trauma/resus room on Christmas as an observer and while the focus has always been on the job, it became entirely about the job and less about the title. As an NP, I would be able to do nearly everything I could as an MD/DO with few limitations. Specifically, periodic review by a physician and lack of Schedule I prescribing privileges. I could still specialize in Oncology in addition to practicing sooner and being educated according to the nursing model which is more holistic and frankly, more me. The autonomy is there. Perhaps not to the extreme that docs have it, but pretty darn autonomous.

What is the one thing that makes my stomach turn? The feeling that becoming a "nurse" as opposed to a "doctor" is settling. My pride, my sick pride.

I am going to talk to Kate in the next couple of days. This is a decision that I have to make...but it never hurts to have a sounding board.

2007-12-23T22:23:00.000-05:00

The holiday season is never very easy for me. It brings with it a horrible feeling of discomfort and impending doom that I have yet to find the words to adequately describe. I was handling it better this year. No Christmas tree - that was good. But, I did hang the stockings and a bit of garland. Anyway, a couple of days ago my (now our) dog of almost 9 years began crying out in pain uncontrollably. We went to our regular vet yesterday but being a Saturday with Christmas coming up, the staff was less than a skeleton crew. The vet couldn't figure out what was going on and radiology services would not be available until the 27th. So, we came home with a prayer. Things seemed to be going better ... until this morning at 2:00 when our sweet dog began yelping from downstairs. We spent an hour on the floor with her...ice and heat. Eventually, we went upstairs. She wouldn't climb them. It took both of us, but we carried her up the stairs and on to our bed. She didn't seem to want to be alone. At about 8 this morning we went to the 24/365 emergency vet. The people were nice, but it was a horribly heartbreaking place. Two people were having their pets euthanized and were sobbing. My husband, the hospital chaplain, said it reminded him of work. To make a long story short, we spent 5 hours there and found out that our dog has a problem with disk between her C2 and C3. What do we do? This is serious. Surgery? So many cons. Manage it medically? Will it work? She is confined to a small area (I am talking 18 sq. ft.) because there are not crates large enough to contain her. We will visit with the vet later this week. In the meantime, she is loaded up on all kinds of drugs. It is horrible seeing her like this. She is obviously miserable. I am not ready to let her go yet. I never will be, but I know that one day I will have to. When that will be may or not be soon. I just want to be sure that we are not selfish about it. Hopefully, the medications will take hold soon and bring her some relief.

I know that some people don't put much value on animals. I do. This dog has saved my life more than once. I have been through the hardest times and the most joyous times in my life with her. How do you forget that?

TIMMMMMMBER!

2007-12-16T23:26:00.000-05:00

Sadly, it seems that every time something happens to someone else, my motivation for medicine gets renewed. What a horrible thought. But, that is the way it is. Hopefully, I am not as distorted as that seems superficially. This morning, the choir (of which I am a member) was performing the annual Christmas Cantata. It was warm..especially when layered with polyester choir robes. I became quite warm and left for a brief time to get some air and a drink. I missed a song, but returned. As soon as I walked back in and took an empty place on the end as we were standing during the performance, I heard a big thump. One of our sopranos had passed out and fallen over an amplifier. Thankfully, our choirmaster saw her coming down and put his hand between her head and the piano. That would have been a bad injury...his hand was still red about 45 minutes later. I hurried over and helped her out of the sanctuary where another friend of mine (a nurse currently studying for her NP) met us. We took her robe off of her and underneath she had a wool sweater and lined wool pants. Her skin was burning up! I felt so badly for her. She was so embarrassed. When we left the sanctuary, the pastor (who was also singing in the Cantata) announced to the congregation that it was hot and asked if someone would turn off the heat. Of course, standing for and extending period of time is not good either as people have a tendency to lock their knees.

Anyway, I have mentioned in the past that fainting is my biggest fear. I am no longer afraid of other people fainting. I am not keen on the idea of me fainting, simply because I don't like feeling bad and mainly because I never have. This paragraph makes me seem like it is fine for others to experience bad things but not me. That's not it at all. My point is that I got over a fear today. I have been on a high all day. Not to mention, I got to be helpful. That was cool.

I just finished my workout and my arms are exhausted. Out of here for now.

Dr. Underdog

P.S. Good news! Kate was doing so well that her oncologist gave the ok to drop the remaining 2 rounds of chemo...did I already mention that?

9/11 coincidences

2007-11-28T11:47:00.000-05:00

I ran across this video on YouTube...check it out.

2007-11-21T09:51:00.000-05:00

This no school business is wreaking havoc on my weight. Terrible. At least when I am in class I have to run around and stress about something. Right now, I am a total slug. Don't misunderstand me, I am grateful for the time off but I am ready to get back into the swing of things. In the meantime, I am watching/reading the news/gossip about Dr. Jan Adams and the recent death of Donda West after a cosmetic procedure. I had the same operation 2 years ago that that Ms. West is reported as having had. While it makes absolutely no difference, I had a wonderful experience and my surgeon was Wendy Gottlieb, MD. People need to do their research and not be lured by celebrity status. If your doctor is not board certified, LOOK FURTHER. While it is not a requirement to perform surgery of this kind, you also don't have to have a law degree to represent yourself in court...and that is not advisable either.

Posting and vegging

2007-11-15T14:21:00.000-05:00

Ahh. A break! It feels wonderful. The party is over. It was beautiful and hubby really seemed to enjoy it. My parents and I got along, but it took some tongue biting. Just for kicks, I argued politics with them the morning they left. Let's just say that we have differing opinions and they are allowed in interrupt me, but not the other way around.

It is nice not to be scrambling around looking for this or that for the party. I will have to post a picture of the cake...it was awesome! A lot of people didn't show up (ugh) so we had a lot of food leftover, but oh well. Most importantly, hubby had a good time.

I began my EMT course about a week and a half ago and so far so good. Someone asked me the other day if I had given up on med school...NOT AT ALL. Kate suggested that I do this and I thought it was a good idea. I am learning a lot and reviewing a lot. There is this one guy in my class who never shuts up. Ugh. Anyway, maybe I will learn something from him too. Speaking of Kate, she is really having a rough time with the chemo. :( I need to send her a card. I will likely do it this weekend when hubby is writing his thank you notes and getting them in the mail.

As usual, this is a disjointed post...maybe next time.

Have a good one.

Partying and moving on

2007-11-06T06:49:00.000-05:00

I registered for classes yesterday. I am bummed that my favorite Chem prof is only scheduled to have 10 students in her class and by the time I got to register (only the Honors students register before me) all of the spots in her class were taken. Granted, her class was the only one being held at a normal time so I am sure that was a big attraction too. Anyway, I will continue trying to grab a slot that perhaps someone will drop in the next couple of months..it has happened before. I am excited to get back into school. I was able to get in 2 Chem labs, so I won't be behind on that anymore. I thought I was just going to take what I took this semester, but opted to wait until this summer to take Physics since I will also have my EMT course to contend with. So I am taking 3 labs and Gen Chem II. Labs are not credit rich, but extremely time consuming. Ugh.

The surprise party is this Friday. Somehow with all the planning, I still feel so pressed for time. Unfortunately, I have to be up and doing a bunch of stuff (obviously) and my right foot is giving me problems. I was run over in college (yes, run OVER) and both of my feet really took a beating. I noticed last week that for some reason 4 toes on my right foot kept going numb. Nearly simultaneously, my foot became very painful in the same spot where I had problems with it those years ago. Anyway, it is not the best thing to be contending with this week, but I am just trying to ignore it. I will call the podiatrist next week.

The party is going to be wonderful...I hope. I hope that hubby enjoys it. It will be nice to have everyone here.

Life is going pretty well right now. I am looking forward to moving forward. The past is the past and I did the best that I could at the time. Now, I just need to move on. Somehow, I don't think that I am the only one I am talking to.

Have a good one.

-Dr. U.

2007-10-28T21:51:00.000-04:00

I suppose I should bring this blog up to date. I have had more time on my hands without classes -- obviously. I am no longer upset with myself for withdrawing as I know it was the best decision that I could have made. I am taking advantage of the relaxing time to bolster myself for next semester. It will be a busy one in which I will need to manage my time close to perfectly. In many ways, it will be the most difficult one I have encountered yet. Kate suggested that I take an EMT certification course. I probably already mentioned that. It will not be taken through school, but will require 8 hours of class per week in addition to school. I am also to committed to volunteering at an inner city elementary school (only 1-2 hours once a week) through the end of the school year. Additionally, I am trying to get back to the cancer center to do a couple of hours at least every other week. Thankfully, for some reason, I found out that my favorite professor will be teaching Gen Chem II again the Spring. So, I will be registering next Monday. I will not be taking Physics at my post-bacc univ this Spring...instead opting to avoid the evil prof and take it elsewhere. I need to confirm transferability of credits this week. Overall, I am feeling really good about things. The time off has been rejuvenating.

Two of my friends have received their first acceptances to medical school. Yeah! I am horribly envious, but ridiculously proud of them. I know that my time will come.

Moving on

2007-10-16T07:49:00.001-04:00

Kate thinks I should go through an EMT course. I suppose I have the time...sort of. I looked for courses in the area last night and the first one doesn't start until the middle of next month and continues through March. By March, I will be shoulder deep in everything that I dropped this semester. I am feeling much better, but my head is sort of still spinning. So, my goal is to get that under control to align myself for a successful Spring semester. I really hate the fact that this happened, but realize that I made the best decisions that I could at the time. I don't think that they were bad decisions at all. I just wish that THOSE circumstances weren't the ones that dictated the good and bad. Anyway, I am feeling better (perhaps not 100%, but good enough) and life goes on.

I need to find out when I register for the Spring.

Bloody Saturday

2007-10-13T16:59:00.000-04:00

Today was going to be boring. Pretty mundane...go to the church fall festival, come home, chill with hubby until he had to go to work. Instead, less than 3 minutes after we left the house this morning, while we were driving along a scenic road near our home, we spotted a man laying lifeless on the road next to his bike. Knowing that we had to do something, but without a shoulder to park the car on, hubby jumped out of the car while I called 911 and turned around. I made it back to the scene shortly and ran to the two of them. The man was bleeding severely from his head (he had not been wearing a helmet) and wouldn't talk. All he was doing was moaning. Then he kept trying to get up and became quite combative. He kept lifting his head and then placed it back on the ground. Each time, I heard the unmistakable sound of crunching bone. Knowing that the bleeding needed to be controlled and having that reinforced by the dispatcher on the other end of the line, I asked my husband to take off his shirt. It was a cute mock turtle neck from his alma mater that he had never worn before and it looked REALLY good on him. Of course, the one day that I say to him "Oh honey, you don't need an undershirt"...(poor guy). Without a second thought, he took off his shirt and handed it to me. I put it on the back of the man's head where the bleeding appeared to be coming from and began to apply pressure. Then I stopped. His head was soft. I felt like I was touching his brain. Suddenly, he became calm and began talking to me. I asked him his name to which he responded Mark* and I told him mine. I asked him if he had lost consciousness and he said "no" but didn't remember what happened. He then asked if he was jogging or riding his bike. Then he said he was tired. Of course, I wanted to keep him awake. We continued to converse calmly and I asked him if there was someone we could contact for him (I noticed a wedding band on his hand, but not on his ring finger...perhaps too big?) -- he seemed to think about it for a second in great confusion and then hesitantly answer "I don't know" or "no" or something like that. Thankfully, EMS arrived in good time and they took over...they asked him his address - he couldn't remember it. Thankfully, he could recite his Social Security number and the police officer retrieved his information that way. I emerged from the commotion with bloody hands (of course, no gloves) but surprisingly not one drop on my stark white hoody. My poor husband standing there shirtless...I noticed how good he looked...he has lost weight! We got his address to arrange to get his bike home and climbed into our convertible (with the top down - which just made the whole shirtless thing worse on a crisp morning) and drove home. When we got home, we noticed that hubby had gotten cut in all the mess...and there was quite a bit of blood at the scene. He called his colleagues at the hospital at told them the situation. As of this writing...the HIV test on Mark came back negative (thank you God!) and the results for the Hep B and Hep C labs won't be back until Monday.

Eventually, we got to the church festival and found out that one of our church members actually lives next door to Mark...and his wife...and new baby. Neither one of which he seemed to be able to remember.

What is the moral of the story? Geez, I don't even know. But, if you carry one thing away from this experience let it be this - WEAR A HELMET!

As for me, I held a man's broken head in my hands today I looked into his eyes and wanted to be reassuring. I doubt he will remember me...I hope he doesn't actually...because then he will have to remember the physical pain of that moment. But, I can't wait to be a physician.

*not his real name

2007-10-10T10:27:00.001-04:00

I am officially withdrawn from all classes this semester. Besides feeling like I gave up too soon and I am a total failure, I actually feel pretty good.

2007-10-08T20:11:00.001-04:00

I don't know what this blog will turn into in the coming weeks and months. It no longer seems to be a record of the aspirations and optimism of a student. I haven't worked out in almost 2 weeks and I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. Of course, there isn't much that I am pleased about these days. I began a new painting last night without inspiration other than anger and sadness. Not surprisingly, it looks uninspired. I don't know what I was thinking...did I really expect that I would be able to come out of some long term hibernation from an elementary art life and expect everything I touched with a brush to be magical? What the heck am I trying to prove? What do I want from my art? Why have I ever wanted? For it to be MINE. Obviously, I love recognition for a job well done here and there, but that hasn't happened in a long time. Besides, sad as it is...I never believe it anyway. That's all I want from a career in medicine...not the recognition...I want the satisfaction. I don't want someone to tell me how great I am...I want to feel that what I did and what I am doing is a great thing. I began my life as someone who wanted attention and I did get attention...a lot of it. I didn't know what to do without it. I got attention that I would rather have not gotten. But, somewhere along the road I became the person who didn't want to be the center of it all. I became the person who derived great satisfaction off of making someone feel like they were the center of it all. To see the look on someone's face when they know that you are working for their benefit...geez, that is friggin awesome.

Now, I would rather be in pain silently than draw attention. If I could figure that out, I think it would reveal a lot.

Anyway, I have piece of crap painting on my easel. I can't say that it is complete nor can I say it isn't. All I can say is that it is as far as it is going. The problem is that I don't know where to discard of it. Our next door neighbor is a professional artist and if I were to trash a worked canvas she would certainly notice as it sat in the trash can in the alley. When hubby gets home he is going to ask about it if it is still on my easel. I want it out of here. I would love to torch it, but I would most certainly send something unintended up in flames.

I suck. I wish I didn't believe that.

Oh well.

2007-10-05T07:34:00.000-04:00

Obviously, the meds are working. I feel somewhat strung out, but I am a lot more me in the net. I ordered hubby's cake yesterday. It is going to be incredible. That was the upside to my day. The downside was that I had trusted my mom enough to tell her what was going on with me -- mistakenly thinking that she had changed. It backfired...again. It's like I told hubby, I am so stupid...I will run my head into a brick wall, determine that it is a bad idea, swear up and down that I will never do it again, BUT if you paint that wall somehow I am convinced that things will be different. It is so sad. I think I am really mourning the lack of a true mother. She has never been one that I could trust unconditionally. Not because she would divulge my secrets, but because she would store them up and use them against me herself. Sad. She apparently leads a very unhappy life. She keeps saying that she has changed, but she hasn't. She is more Type A than I am and completely incapable (frankly, she doesn't want to) of change. I really wish that I had a mom that I could share my pain with...I don't.

2007-10-04T08:52:00.001-04:00

I am convinced that no one reads this blog anymore. Actually, that is not such a bad thing.

Today is my third day at home. I went to choir rehearsal last thinking that it would make me feel a bit better. Unfortunately, it didn't. I was planning on going for a quiz today in Human Bio lab - against my doc's instructions - but I really don't fee like it. Ultimately, I think I am going to end up getting a retroactive medical withdrawal from my classes this semester. That is probably best. That way, nothing shows up on my transcript. No W's, no F's...nothing. I thought I was getting better. I don't know, maybe I still am. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to smile. My arms and legs feel like they weigh a 100 pounds each and the rest of me just hurts. This is prime planning time for my husband's party and I can't bring myself to do it. There is an unfinished painting on my easel and 2 blank canvases downstairs. I could be painting. There is cleaning to be done. I don't want to do any of it. How did this happen? What happened to me? THIS is not me. I just want to stay out of the hospital.. that would irreparably hurt my application.

Tuesday part 2

2007-10-02T21:14:00.000-04:00

Things progressed pretty fast after I posted that entry earlier today. I lost it again. I ended up calling a friend who is a nurse and lives near me and she came over. I ended up calling my doc and to make a long story short...hubby was summoned home from the hospital at about noon and I have been ordered by my doc not to go to class for the rest of the week...at least. Unfortunately, I am going to have to be a bad patient for once and defy orders so that I don't miss a quiz in my Human Bio lab. No one is certain that I will be able to return to school for the remainder of the semester, but I don't want to screw it up completely if I do.

As you can tell, things aren't going real well. I am immeasurably depressed. It is embarrassing to admit that. I am pale. I look like $h!^ and I feel worse.

I am broken.

Depression, Britney Spears and other things I wish I didn't know about...

2007-10-02T08:14:00.000-04:00

Depression hurts. Gosh, it hurts. The physical pain is excruciating. I screwed up a lab report last night. Somehow, I messed up the procedure and when I went to write it up my actual yield was higher than my theoretical. Anyway, despite additional medication last night, I feel awful this morning. I was drugged all night which was good for my sleep, but the terrible pain won't go away. I don't have class until 2:30 so I am vegging in bed. I have another lab report to write before then however. I made the mistake of turning on the TV and apparently we live in such a pathetic world that Britney Spears losing custody of her 2 children is making the top of the news. WHY?

I didn't work out last night. My work out buddy was supposed to come over at 9, but my life went into crisis mode before then. Tonight is another night. I didn't get to work out at all last week because my schedule was so tight, so I need to make up for it this week. I need to also do some serious studying of Chemistry...actually go to my prof's office hours this week. She has so few of them. Tomorrow will be the day.

Maybe I will try to make myself feel a bit better by dropping the top on the convertible and take a drive. All I want to do is sleep though...so it will be a toss up. I also need to clean. I am such a bad housekeeper. There is no excuse. My husband is so wonderful. I can't complain about his contribution to the upkeep of the house. He vacuums, dusts, cleans toilets, does dishes...there aren't many men that will jump in on those things. See, my life is great...it is the person living it that sucks.

Today is Chem Lab. I really like that class. Unfortunately, my wonderful lab partner that I was so happy about dropped the class! She decided to go into nursing and didn't need the credit after all. I don't blame her, but it is a real bummer for me.

Well, things HAVE to get better. But, for now I have another lab report to do...outta here.

2007-10-01T20:02:00.001-04:00

Today is probably the most depressed that I have been since I began this journey. Reluctantly, I dropped Physics last night. I called Kate and asked her what she thought before I did it and in her "The world is not going to come crashing down" tone she assured me that it was nothing that couldn't be explained away. Either way, my application is looking worse and worse. I actually wanted to hurt myself today. I know that sounds extreme and I know it is not what sounds healthy, but damn it that is how I felt. I am completely stressed out and can't seem to get my head on straight.

A friend of mine got an interview at the med school near me and I am thrilled for her. Don't misunderstand me. Do I wish it were me? Of course, but I think the worst part of it is that she always makes me feel like I am a total loser. Not because of her accomplishments..no one should be faulted for those. But, because she is so ready to agree with me when I mention how bad things are. In fact, it even seems as if she is waiting for me to come to my senses. As if she has been thinking it all along and is just waiting for me to burst out with "I AM A F#*$ING IDIOT! I ADMIT IT. I WILL QUIT LIVING THIS LITTLE LIE." And somehow I feel that it would bring her great joy. What a horrible thing to think. How terrible I am to think it! If it were jealousy that were driving my feelings I could understand, but I just know how stupid I really am. I was hoping that it was my secret, but apparently everyone knows.

I don't hate my life. I actually like it. It's the person living it that I hate.

A horrible man

2007-09-26T15:23:00.001-04:00

My Physics professor is an horrible man. I do not say that lightly nor because the class average on the first exam was a 58%. I have never encountered someone who so blatantly tries to make things difficult. I visited him in his office a couple of weeks ago (that will be the LAST time) and during my time there I asked him if this semester was more difficult than those passed. He proceeded to say "You all want to be able to write anything you want on evaluations and not expect to pay for it." Um HELLO? I then said "So what you are telling me is that we are paying for past sins of other classes?" He seemed quite pleased with himself. I was mortified. I have had my bad professors. I won't even get into HOW bad, but this is stupid. On the first exam, he had 4/10 problems that he had never taught us. Gee, that was nice. He was unapologetic and even with such a low class average, the only thing he said about it was "No, there will be no curve." Ass#$%^! From here on out he will be called Dr. Dickhead on this blog. It is likely that I will post a picture of him at some point. I am not afraid of being exposed that way. What a horrible, horrible man. What's worse was that he went INCREDIBLY slow and was INCREDIBLY funny and endearing until the add/drop period was over. Premeditated jerkiness.

I have not written anything that is untrue nor anything that I would not testify to in a court of law. If you are SOMEHOW scheduled to take a class from this man...RUN! TURN AND FRIGGIN' RUN. He has a chip on his shoulder and, despite is efforts to prove that he is a tough professor, he is not proving anything except that a single human being can be so hateful and sacrifice one's own abilities for the sole purpose of revenge on a group that is not at fault.

Hey, Dr. Dick..I may not make an A in your class. But you count on this...you WILL NOT ruin my future.

Looking Up!

2007-09-25T21:58:00.000-04:00

I am feeling really good today..definitely a lot more like myself. Kate and I had a conversation yesterday and somehow it really helped. I knew that I had to get out of this rut and well...(knock on wood) it seems to be subsiding. Seeing her yesterday was pretty difficult though. Her hair has begun to thin and her skin appears a bit gray.

Anyway, Thursday I have my first big Chemistry exam. Thankfully, this change in emotion/mindset came just in time. Unfortunately, I have to learn 4 weeks worth of Chemistry in about 4 days. I have not been able to concentrate and my retention has been pretty much nil. I will be able to do it...somehow. Chemistry is fun when you know what you are doing. I gave up on actually understanding anything, but have become a master regurgitator of class material which is probably why Anatomy was so enjoyable. I mean besides the fact that I just love Anatomy. What actually happens in the 3rd and 4th ventricle? Geez, I don't think I ever got that down. But, they look like sea animals!

Ok, gotta jet...yes, that was abrupt. ;)

Universal health care and other things that look good on paper

2007-09-18T19:04:00.000-04:00

Today was a decent day. I was kinda bummed that my back hurt all day and today was lab (and therefore STANDING) intensive but I got through it anyway. I wasn't sure when exactly that Kate was going to end up beginning her first round of chemo, but we exchanged emails this afternoon. Apparently, it began a week later than originally scheduled..so that was yesterday and she said that she has 15 hours left. She indicated it was going well so I am glad.

I can't express how thrilled I am with my friend who turned out to be my Chem lab partner! It is so much fun to go to that class. It could be such a drag, but we laugh so much. Not to mention, she is intelligent so I am not having to question whether or not her analysis is accurate because she doesn't care. I hate that. I guess I WAS that person the first time around, but things have been very different this time.

I finally got the notes over to Disability Services for my student. I have been a volunteer notetaker for a couple of semesters for 2 different students with learning disabilities. I may have mentioned that. Anyway, it is nothing earth-shattering, I just take clearer notes and have to go make copies of them at least once a week. I was feeling so bad on Friday (when I usually take care of that) that I ended up abandoning the effort altogether. Yesterday wasn't much better, but today I am thrilled to say that the notes are waiting for my classmate. Part of the whole thing is that it is confidential, so while it would be a lot easier to just hand the notes to the guy in class (yes, I know who he is), I have to trek over to the official office and deposit them there.

Universal healthcare...hum. A lot of people have been discussing this with me lately. What do I think? Does it matter? Here's my ineloquent, if not ignorant, take on the matter... Do I think that we some form of health coverage for everyone..ABSOLUTELY. Do I think that the government should resort to a socialist form of care...ABSOLUTELY NOT. Here's the deal, I see the crap that my docs have to go through to get paid by my health insurance company and I have excellent coverage. I see on my EOBs that are sent to me what kind of pitiful sum they are paid to see me. I know that I have taken well more of their time than what they are paid for. There is a huge misconception that doctors make too much money and that the problem lies with the medical community. I strongly disagree. Why is it that we can handle athletes and CEOs of companies making manifold what docs make and yet fail to consider the fact that physicians must pay exhorbiant malpractice fees, very high education costs (which many are still paying off >10 years later), staff salaries (God forbid someone have to wait longer than they want), equipment costs (because we all want the latest technology...or at least something from the 20th century), they work WAY more than people give them credit for (call the doc because you have a question..they don't get paid for that...no insurance billing code...how many of those questions even if not directly from your mouth do they have to field in a day in between 30-50 patients to be seen in 15 minute increments) and all done for (in my experience) 25-75% of what they actually charge. Are their fees excessive? We will take my pulmonologist as an example, he went through 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, and 5-6 years of internship/residency. By that time many new doctors are >$200K in debt compounding interest constantly. After all of that time, how much would you say that YOUR time would be worth? Then add on all the things mentioned above which just make it possible for a physician to provide adequate care for patients.

I don't expect to make a lot as a doctor. I will be 43 when I complete residency and then have the joy of paying back all the loans. I will likely never own my own practice. Perhaps group or hospital based practice will be for me. I have nothing to gain by saying that government run universal health care is a bad idea, except the opportunity to care for my patients in the best way possible. If the government wants to get involved then it should pay private insurance companies to cover every citizen of the U.S. and then it needs to make sure that the insurance companies are making good on their obligations to the patient and the doctor.

The last 2 questions...Do I think we will have universal health care in the U.S. in the next 10 years? Yes. Do I believe that it will be a good system? No.

TTFN.

Chemistry and other reasons to become emotional

2007-09-17T22:23:00.000-04:00

Today wasn't a good day. I hate sounding like I am constantly complaining. I don't tell people around me what is going on typically. Occasionally, when I have had too much and my functioning is obviously being affected, I will give a clue what it is about when asked. I cried through Chemistry again today. Unfortunately, today was worse than Friday. Why Chem? I don't know. But, it is such a small class that hiding my tears is really difficult - especially since the professor knows me so well and regularly makes eye contact with me. Today, it was just a matter of looking down and suffering. I kept sniffling to keep my nose from running down my face, but that simply made the situation worse. I considered leaving, but we are so smashed in there that getting up and exiting through the only door (at the front of the room) would have called much too much attention to myself. So, for 50 minutes I did a miserable job of fighting the tears. I couldn't stop them. I am tired of feeling this way. I am angry that it is having such a horrible affect on my studies. I would really like to drop out of school for the semester but it is not an option so I just need to buckle down and get it done. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to have such an impact on me...I can't believe that I have allowed it to affect me this much. Damn it. Tonight, a friend of mine came over to workout. Unfortunately, I began having chest pain and became dizzy shortly before she got here. Luckily (I suppose), she is a cardiac nurse and became concerned. I attribute it to nothing more than stress and emotional overload. My BP was fairly normal and my pulse was completely normal. I'm not dead...I guess that is a good sign.

Anyway, tomorrow in the life of this post-bacc student includes Physics Lab and Chem Lab. Physics Lab is never exactly "fun" considering that I am having trouble conceptualizing what the heck is going on in there. But, Chem lab is nothing short of a joke. I have a fabulous lab partner and the write up is the most time consuming part. I began a new painting a couple of days ago. Obviously, it not complete...nowhere close. But...the camera is here and so:

I really should be studying. Guess what? I am not. I am SO not in the mood. I have a Chemistry exam next week. Hopefully, she will post the mock exam soon. Those are always so helpful. If you can do the problems on that, you are in great shape for the exam. Usually, the actual thing is just the mock with different numbers. This professor really does want her students to succeed and it is so obvious. I don't know why though. Last semester, my class was so awful. Had I been her, I would have wanted to fail all of us...for no other reason than guilt by association with the others in the class then never returned. This is the fourth time I have had her...for a variety of Chem classes. Definitely the best prof I have ever had. Perhaps not the easiest, but the best. I feel like I have learned something after her courses. I actually feel smarter...like I am prepared for the next thing. I can't say that I feel that way with the vast majority of my other classes.

Anyway, I am going to grab an apple downstairs and maybe get a back massage from hubby. Until next time...be safe.

Dr. Underdog

2007-09-15T16:55:00.001-04:00

It is a beautiful day outside. We have turned off the A/C and opened all the windows. We went with a couple friend of ours to an art festival earlier. I was hoping to find a bunch of great things...unfortunately, I didn't. I found a funky birdhouse that I liked..it was the most reasonably priced thing there...$70. I think it was actually too funky for me and our our conservative 1920's home. A lot of people around here have all these bright and mish-mashed, artsy-fartsy colors on their house and in their yard...we don't. The purple front door remains as does the air vent on the upper portion of the detached garage. But, the most "out there" color that we have added to the house is a beautiful Ralph Lauren terracotta in the dining room. Not exactly pushing the envelope.

Anyway, it was fun. We came home and I began working on my Physics assignment that is due tomorrow at 11pm. I was trucking through and suddenly hit a problem that I can't figure out. Luckily, the aforementioned neighbor was a physics major at the univ where I am doing my post-bacc and has offered to help me. This will be the first time I take him up on it.

Today is a bit better than was yesterday. I have had a string of bad days. Oh well. I actually began crying while sitting in class on Friday. That is never good. I am really worried about what this is going to do to my semester.

I will close here. I hope everyone has a great day and a fabulous rest of the weekend.

-Dr.Underdog.

2007-09-13T09:34:00.001-04:00

Ugh. I am not in the mood to be in school this semester. Ugh.

A few words...

2007-09-09T13:50:00.001-04:00

I am sitting here doing homework..well, studying for a Physics exam. Is there any difference? I am having a lot of trouble keeping my mind in the game and my eyes fell to my wrist and the yellow bracelet. It got me to thinking about how when Kate and I were talking and she had noticed that it was once again on my wrist, I mentioned how, along with its obvious purpose, it helped to motivate me to workout and keep going when the effort seemed too much. She asked me "How?" I gave some stupid answer because I have been so forward with my feelings lately that I didn't want to overwhelm her. I have been too honest with my feelings. I didn't want to discuss any of this with her. I wanted to help her..not the other way around. So I gave a cheesy-ass short and shallow answer (that really didn't answer the question) that I have since forgotten. What was the real answer? If I had been honest with her at that moment what would I have said?

"Because someday I am going to have a patient who means to someone what you and all those other wonderful people in my life who have fought cancer have meant and mean to me. I want to be in my best shape, both mentally and physically. That person doesn't deserve anything less than my best."

Perhaps my real answer is as cheesy as the substance-less one I spouted... but at least this one was honest. I have lost 4 pounds. I don't care if it is just a momentary hiccup that went my way. Four pounds is 4 pounds and I have worked for it.

Anyway, I had to get that off my chest. Now it is back to Physics.

Saturday

2007-09-08T17:01:00.000-04:00

In the interest of full disclosure, Kate is still my doctor. (I know a lot of people will think differently of this whole situation now. Oh well.) That sucks. Unfortunately, she is too capable a physician for me to be willing to give her up professionally. But, this puts quite the obstacle in the way when dealing with these feelings. I increased my antidepressant in an effort to get past some of this. I can't let it get me or my grades. I have a physics exam Monday and I am really struggling to get out of bed. Much less study. Hubby and I did go to the batting cage today. I hadn't done that in quite a while, so it was really enjoyable. But, when we got home all I wanted to do was get in bed. Which is where I am now. Maybe I will paint tonight. Perhaps let some creative juices flow and work some feelings out. Tomorrow is supposed to be rainy, so studying will be good for that. I was so emotional yesterday. I am hoping that that was the reason I was weak during my workout and dizzy later. I would hate for it to be a legitimate problem. I am really trying to lose weight. I used to see a well known doc that is all over TV, books, the Internet, etc and her staff nutritionist but I got sick of the name dropping that she seemed so attached to. So, I quit seeing her. I am going back to doing the same stuff I was doing then. Maybe I will add Alli to the mix. Kate would probably kill me for even thinking about such a stupid thing. I am so against weight loss drugs. But...what can I say? I am desperate. I am not diabetic, but have a problem with hypoglycemia. Go figure. Anyway, I am very careful not to leave the house without my glucose. Those episodes are so frightening.

I know I haven't written much about school since the semester began. I am behind. I am distracted. But, hopefully it will be getting better soon. I am taking Physics I, Chem II, Chem I Lab, Physics I Lab, and Human Biology Lab. Gee, it feels like I wrote that in an earlier post. If I did..well there it is again.

Have a good one.

More of the same

2007-09-07T17:16:00.001-04:00

A friend of mine took the MCAT today...I am sure she did well. (BP, I know you did!) I am not looking forward to taking it in May, but it is a necessary evil.

Thankfully, the school week is over. I have quite a bit of studying to do this weekend, but Fridays always bring about a sigh of relief. I haven't been very successful at keeping Kate off my mind this week. Maybe because I saw her on Wednesday and whenever I do, it is like picking the scab. Anyway, I am really down in the dumps. I am so sad that I am beginning to get angry at her for causing me this pain. Though it is logically stupid and completely off...not to mention inaccurate and selfish, I am actually grateful for the evolution of this emotion. Maybe it will allow me to get away from the sadness. Gosh, the profound sadness. She keeps asking me if I think she is going to die. I don't. I finally asked her.. "Do you think that you are going to die?" Her answer was simple and honest. "It is a possibility." Of course it is a possibility.

Anyway, my struggle is within myself. The sadness. The freaking overwhelming sadness.

I hope that everyone is having a great week and it is topped off with a fabulous weekend.

FREE MUSIC

2007-09-03T11:49:00.000-04:00

I have today off and my mind is with Kate. I was watching a YouTube video earlier and ran across a great song by Wideawake. It came out last year. Where have I been? No clue. I was only vaguely familiar with Wideawake. Ok, I may have heard of the group. (I really like their sound and will be listening to more.) Anyway, the song is called "Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow." All proceeds from the sale of this single on iTunes go to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Now, go spend a buck (not even) and buy it!

Here is the video to Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow

I'll even go a step further... for the first 50 people that email me their receipt (email: goalmd@gmail.com) from the purchase of "Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow" on iTunes. I will send you a dollar. There, it didn't cost you a thing! The artist has gotten publicity for writing such a great song, the LAF benefits, you got a great song and hopefully will mention it to someone else furthering the cause.

Be sure to put your snail mail address in the email.

And for a bit of perspective....

Thoughts on marriage

2007-08-30T22:07:00.001-04:00

Today marks one week that I have been back in class. I am still longing for that one last week of vacation though. Thankfully, we have Monday off so I will enjoy that. Hubby and I will celebrate our 6 year anniversary on Saturday. I love that man more everyday. :-) It is sad that marriage gets such a bad rap from so many. Granted, many have horrible experiences. I hate to see these people who get married just to get married. There are so many women that I see that are in love with the idea of love and marriage and consequently their standards drop or disappear altogether. People often tell me/us that they hope their marriage is as good as ours is or that our marriage makes them want to get married. Even more ask what the "secret" is or how you know it's the right person. Obviously, it is incredibly flattering to hear the nice things people say about our marriage and I am so thrilled and grateful that our marriage actually is as happy as it seems. But, the question about how one "knows" that someone is the "one" for them is the key to it all. If there was an answer to this question that were fail-safe, a lot of problems would be avoided.

Unfortunately, the only answer I have is the one that was given to me .... "You just know."

I hated that answer when I was single. It actually made me nervous...I began thinking too hard. I was proposed to a couple of times before I met my husband and could have very easily made a horrible, horrible mistake. I asked the same question that people ask me now. "How do you just know?" I don't have a good answer to that. But, I did know when I knew. Unequivocally. It was a knowing that I had never experienced before and never since...regardless of the matter at hand.

My husband answers the question in a different way. His answer is "You can't imagine not being with this person for the rest of your life." (It sure does sound better when he says it.)

Now, I am going to return to watching "Welcome to The Parker." There is a really diva-dude on this episode. Adios.

Livestrong and dying.

2007-08-25T16:13:00.000-04:00

I know the "trend" is long gone. I have never been one for trends, nor did I wear it initially because of some "trend" that may or may not have been in existence. Either way, my LIVESTRONG bracelet has been back on my wrist for a couple of weeks now. Classes began on Thursday and I have been able to keep Kate's plight from destroying my concentration so far. I did break down while discussing the situation with a friend of mine. I am having trouble finding a counselor though. I think I may just give up on the idea. Suffer through and learn to deal.

I saw a new ophthalmologist this week...I think I mentioned the fact that I was going to a few days ago. I was sorry to leave my previous one, but the drive is nearly 6 hours one way on an average traffic day. This new one is very nice and apparently quite capable. My Rx didn't change, but I did score a shadowing gig. I was surprised that my eyes hadn't changed, but that is just one more year that I am one step further from blindness. ;) I did opt to get some new frames to give me an optional look. The last time I got new frames, I just got the same ones that I had so that I wouldn't have to go searching for a particular pair...everything was the same. Call me daring...I went "trendy" as my mom said. Whatever. I would love to be able to wear contacts, I really dislike having something on my face especially in hot weather. But, because of the prisms my prescription can not be made into contacts. Weird.

My mom called Wednesday. The memorial service was held that morning. I didn't go for good reason - it is 1500 miles away. Unfortunately, it was determined that Judy was in fact murdered. A horrible ending to a sad, sad, sad life. "Sad" is perhaps not the right word. "Tragic" is more like it. She was not a sad person nor were you in her presence.

Enough. Enough. I really need to stop here. I guess my mind knew it had the opportunity to be sad today and seized it. As pathetic as it sounds, I think I will wrap up here and have a good cry. Sometimes, that is the best thing.

TTFN.

Watch.

2007-08-23T10:11:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I posted a video of Joseph's Lullaby. After looking at the project more and watching a video of a CBC story about it, I found out that there was another video that the public had contributed to. I have found it...finally. Please watch it below. Hope.

Random

2007-08-22T13:38:00.001-04:00

Today is my last day of freedom before the fall semester begins. How have I spent it? Well, there was the expensive vet visit this morning. I swear they start seeing dollar signs the second I pull into the parking lot. I have spent the last couple of hours lying in bed resting...sort of sleeping, sort of not. This evening, hubby and I are going to go to run some errands. We are looking for a new elliptical trainer since ours finally said "Enough." I can't blame it. After 2 moves, it was in pretty sad shape. We are looking at a pretty high end one this time which makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, of course I want one that will last and is good quality, but geez! How expensive!! Ugh.

I am watching one of my thrills of television. Crazy, perhaps...but I love King of the Hill . Maybe it is due to my upbringing in Texas and knowing how true to life the cartoon actually is. So funny. Hank Hill reminds me of my brother in law. So funny!! I have never been one to be a trend follower, I am so far out of it that my efforts are a joke. I march to the beat of my own drummer...whether I want to or not. (That comment made a heck of a lot more sense in my head than it did on the screen considering I am thinking a heck of a lot more than I am typing.) Oh well.

I am looking forward to this semester. I really wish I could just have one more week off though. Not a lot, but one. I had a 3 week vacation which is more than hubby had and certainly more than most people my age have at this time in their life, but bummer. Anyway, I am looking forward to the semester.

Pretty random stuff

2007-08-20T17:05:00.000-04:00

It is so much fun to read books. I know that may seem to some to be a ridiculous statement, but I couldn't for the majority of my life so doing so now is sheer pleasure. I am 3 deep into a run of works that have been spectacular. Currently, I am about halfway through Jerome Groopman's "How Doctors Think." An excellent book...a wonderful mix of theory and practical illustration. As of Thursday, my free time that I have put toward reading for pleasure will be occupied by Physics, Chemistry and Human Bio lab. This semester, I am also retaking a course from my ugrad univ that I did pitifully in. I will be taking it by correspondence much like I did with Pre-Calc this summer.

Hubby's 40th birthday is in November. I love telling people that he is almost 40 because he looks so much younger. He hates me doing it, but this guy is mistaken for his 20s regularly. I am so envious of his ridiculously smooth skin which he does not have to work for at all. Granted, I am sure his cool demeanor doesn't hurt. His mom's skin was the same way so I assume it is a genetic windfall. She was of Lebanese decent. Sadly, both of his parents have passed and will not be here to celebrate my husband's 40th. I am throwing a surprise party and my parents are flying up to be here. It is quite a trip, so I hope that it means something to him. My sister will be 7.5 months pregnant by then, so a visit from them is not possible. I hope that it is a meaningful birthday for him. I have not yet chosen a caterer, but have a bit of time. I would love to think that we would be able to spill outdoors for this soiree, but seeing that it will be in November and we live in the Mid-Atlantic, I am not too optimistic about that possibility. I thought about having it at a restaurant, but I hate that feel. I am actually considering having it at our church where we are both very active. There is ample banquet space there and better parking than at our house. Not to mention, "dropping by church" wouldn't be such a big deal. I don't know. I don't know that I really like that feel either. I suppose that I need to generate a guest list and see what kind of space we will need. Our house is adequate for us...about 2100 sq.ft. But, it is 3 stories plus a basement and a lot of stairs. We take 3 bedrooms and use all the space...one for the master, another for the gym, and the last for my office and to house part of our library. I realized that we needed more room the moment we moved in. We have a media room and an unfinished basement which is not included in the square footage, nor should it be since it is a giant mess. I don't know if our finished attic is included or not. Either way, it is not conducive to having a large number of people over without the option to go outside. Our property is wonderful. We have a large back yard with a sitting area and a pond, but in mid-November it does little good.

Tonight, I am going to church to make mosaic stepping stones to be sold as a fundraiser for our mission team that will be heading back to the Gulf Coast to continue to help rebuild Katrina ravaged areas. I wish I could go, but it is 8 days out of the semester that I just don't think I can afford to miss. I will be doing some volunteer work here though. I will be back at XYZ Cancer Center and tutoring inner city kids once a week.

Kate has not left my mind. I am learning to compartmentalize a bit better, but not adequately yet when it comes to this. Thank you to all who have commented that you are thinking and praying for her/me. It really means a lot.

Today. Part I

2007-08-20T06:32:00.000-04:00

I begin classes this week. So, these are my last 3 "free" days. I have an ophthalmologist appointment tomorrow just outside of town (why can't I find an ophtho somewhere closer?). Actually, I am looking forward to seeing this doc. She is a D.O. We'll see if there is any difference in approach, at least from this one doc's standpoint. Undoubtedly, she will be altering my prescription so tomorrow afternoon will be dedicated to getting my new glasses and such. I am not a big fan of wearing glasses, but my Rx can't be made into contacts and I am a fan of seeing. ;-) Funny, Kate was the one who finally believed me about my eyes. It took nearly 20 years for someone to finally believe that I actually couldn't see the way I was describing. In case you didn't know, she was my doc before she became my mentor. Some people think this is not the way it should be and denigrate the relationship because this is how it evolved, but I think little of them.

Anyway, I will be replacing the lenses in my existing frames, getting some new ones because of the little episode in this post, and replacing the lenses in my sunglasses.

I had so much more to write when I began this post, but somehow it left me. I will post again later.

Another book recommendation

2007-08-18T22:02:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading "The Anatomy of Hope" by Jerome Groopman, M.D.. Kate said she had read it, found it to be wonderful and suggested that I try it out. She has suggested Groopman's books in the past, but it wasn't until my husband read "How Doctors Think" that I began reading his work. Dr. Groopman is a regular contributor to The New Yorker to which I subscribe but sadly rarely read. I found myself pulling for the patients in the book and becoming angry with them on occasion. You am sure that you will too. If "Final Exam" was 5 stars, I would say that "The Anatomy of Hope" scores 4 stars. Definitely a must read for anyone with half an interest in medicine or psychology.

2007-08-17T21:39:00.000-04:00

Joseph's Lullaby - Completed

Perhaps my mind is a bit preoccupied with cancer right now. But, I found this and it is amazing. The story on JosephsLullaby.com

Moving on and holding on

2007-08-17T19:35:00.001-04:00

I just want to get something straight that I am sure some are thinking...YES, I KNOW THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME! This blog is comprised of MY thoughts and MY feelings from MY perspective so it is not objective in any way. Now, with that out of the way...

I am feeling emotionally and physically exhausted, but much better overall. The care package was a huge hit and that made me so happy. Obviously, I saw Kate today. It was a rather tearful encounter, but it wouldn't have been had she not pushed me. I told her repeatedly that I didn't want to talk about how I felt with her because that was totally horrible and unfair. She kept pushing and pushing and PUSHING. So, damn...there it went. She was in a fabulous mood and I really wanted to keep it there. Unfortunately, I think I was overcompensating for feeling so sad by putting on this disastrous front to hide my true emotions. Even I wasn't buying it but couldn't correct in time. Anyway, long story short. Chemo begins September 10, just after radiation ends.

I didn't cry after seeing her today. I talked her briefly on the phone as I neared my house, but it was nothing big.

I am going to try to out this in the back of my mind for a few weeks. I will send her a little note next week just to let her know that we are praying for her, but other than that I really want to keep my mind on school. Funny, through the whole thing today she somehow found a way to relate EVERYTHING to school or medicine whether or not it was related. Go figure. That is so her.

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful role model. Please keep her in your prayers.

Emotional pain, physical hurt.

2007-08-16T13:11:00.000-04:00

Why can't I deal with this better? This morning, while talking to my best friend, I recounted all that was going on. I realized what a sad time this is. I was selfishly hoping that gathering this little care package for Kate would be a therapeutic activity, but while walking into Nordstrom I was fighting back tears. It was awful. I spent a couple of hours out shopping for she and hubby. Hubby ended up scoring 6 new ties. His ties really go through the ringer at the hospital. I don't even want to touch them. I forced myself to stay out longer than I wanted to mainly because I know that curling up in bed is not a healthy thing to do. I can't help but feel that I have no right to feel the way I do. Kate herself would lecture me about feeling that way so I have to laugh. I have decided to get a counselor to deal with this. Yeah, it is affecting me THAT much. It is one of those things...you want to get over it, but you really can't stand the thought of being able to ignore it. Classes begin a week from today. This semester will be dedicated to her. She will finish the currently prescribed 6 rounds of chemo about the time I complete the semester. Actually, she will finish chemo as I begin Kaplan. Ha Ha Ha. She has been bugging me to take Kaplan for months. Every time she asks me if I am going to take it and I respond "Yes" (which I always have since it has been the plan all along) she says "Good" and then proceeds to ask me the same question the next time I see her and the opportunity arises. You would think that she owned stock in the friggin' company or something. Maybe she does.

I know I am internalizing this way too much, but it seems impossible to do anything else right now. I have no appetite, I am sad, and have really no desire to talk to anyone. Selfishly, this MUST change SOMEHOW in the next 7 days.

2007-08-15T20:06:00.000-04:00

We returned today from vacation. While it was a wonderfully relaxing and very special time, I strained to keep Kate off of my mind. I felt selfish doing that. I decided to make a special "care package" of sorts for her so it changed the mood from sad to excited. I called a friend of mine this evening who was diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago, endured a double mastectomy, the cancer metastasized, and today the tumors are inactive. I wanted to call and see how she was doing and get her input about items to put into my little pack of love for Kate. She was overwhelmingly helpful with so many different questions I had. What was the "right" thing to do? What was the "wrong" thing to do? Tomorrow, I am heading out to buy some cute PJs, some Werther's Original candies, lemon drops, and Gatorade. Apparently, Werther's are a great thing for stimulating saliva and are one of the few things that my friend was still able to taste while she was undergoing chemo.

I also got word while we were on vacation that a woman, Judy*, that I have known for more than 20 years was found dead on Sunday. Her parents have always been very close friends of my parents until her father suddenly passed away 5 years ago. Her mother remains very tight with my parents. Judy's life was a tragic one. Adopted into an extremely loving home when she was very young (if not an infant), Judy was an only child. Her father doted on her mercilessly. She was rebellious and became pregnant well before we were 20. She went on to 4 children with 4 different fathers. She married a man that turned out to be heavily into drugs. There was already suspicion that she was using, so her choice of partners was not a surprise. Her father called her one day from his car saying that he felt weird. He then died from a stroke on the side of the road. The following year, she awoke to find her husband dead in bed beside her. She died Sunday in much the same way. Two of her children had been put up for adoption as infants, but she leaves behind 2 young boys to be raised by their grandmother who has lost her husband, daughter and son-in-law in a matter of 5 years.

It was a situation in which you could see what was wrong, but despite everyone's best efforts nothing changed. I need to send her mom a card tomorrow. What do you say??? I first met Judy in the 6th grade so I can't claim that I didn't know her. What the heck does something say at a time like this?

*not real name

Numb

2007-08-11T10:38:00.000-04:00

How does one get over something? Stupid, I know. I feel like I don't have a right to my feelings. I didn't sleep well last night. Somewhere around 2:15am I woke up just to see that I had not turned off the TV before I somehow dozed off and now a talentless installment of "The Greg Behrendt Show" was mocking me in its own little way. Luckily, my husband's phone (as it is known to do) accidentally called me at 2:34 from the hospital. It is during these phone calls that I listen to the ambient sounds of a break room or cafeteria and yell "Hello?" into the receiver. Eventually, I page him and tell him that his pants have called me again. Two thirty in the morning or not, when I finally got him on the phone we talked for a while.

This morning, I was still preoccupied with Kate's diagnosis. I searched the websites of all the major medical centers that she had said had been consulted and found essentially the same thing on each one. What was I expecting? Really. I did learn a bit more about the specific radiation treatment that she said she had begun. I finished "Final Exam" and thumbed through "getting into med school" books. The end of "Final Exam" was as wonderful as the rest of the book had been, but my mind kept replaying the conversation from yesterday.

Gosh. (It seems like such an insubstantial word.) But, gosh, what must she be feeling? Why didn't I just ask? She kept talking. She wanted to. Why did I feel like I had to keep some level of strength in the conversation? It was up to her, why didn't I give her what perhaps she wanted? Geez, I don't know. What is she thinking? Is more effort going into keeping a positive attitude or praying that other people don't get you down? I was grateful for the gush of information she gave me yesterday. I have a hard time prying into her life that way. Funny, we actually talked about that yesterday. She said that I had been distancing her. Weird. I didn't see it that way, but looking back perhaps she was right.

I am numb in a very weird way. I feel like I don't have the right to feel like this. I feel helpless and I am angry at myself for thinking of ME at all.

Damn.

2007-08-10T21:48:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, my intuition was correct. My mentor, Kate* a wonderful person that I care for and appreciate very much, has cancer. A very rare type, so treatment is kind of still up for debate.

She told me today. Actually, I kind of told her. We were talking when she stopped, much like she did almost 2 months ago. I simply looked at her and said "You have cancer, don't you?" She said "Yes." I immediately burst into tears and covered my face. It was a reaction that I have never had before. I knew I had to get myself together. When I managed to lift my head from my hands, I saw her eyes also full of tears. She wanted to know how I had known. "No one knew, how did you?" she asked. The only way I could explain it was "I just did." Not a line full of brilliance or comfort, just the truth. The disgusting truth. How was she feeling when she was told? Was it difficult to tell others or therapeutic? She joked about the wig in her future and how she had wanted to get "big hair" but her family protested. Was all that she was telling me for her benefit or mine? I was hoping it was for her. As much as I wanted to alleviate her pain, was she really as happy-go-lucky about the situation as she would have seemed to have others believe? Had I hurt her with my reaction? What did she want from me? Was I delivering? How could I help?

Cancer is not a new thing for me. I have known many people who have had it, some have lost the battle but thankfully most are winning. My aunt/godmother was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and has now been cancer-free for four years. A dear friend, Monica* was diagnosed with breast cancer which later metastasized to her lungs and brain. She is currently in remission. My father-in-law, whom I never knew, died from 3 primary cancers. Bob*, a guy that I had known for many years as a family friend and then later dated very briefly, unfortunately died of 2 brain tumors. It was a horrible death. A terrible, slow progression capped by a discolored body lying lifeless in an open coffin.

It took me 4 hours to get home because of traffic. I needed every minute of those four hours. I was glad to be alone so that I could cry, think and prepare. What is going through her mind? What is she feeling?

I need to head back to the halls of the cancer center and start volunteering again. It is the place where I feel useful.

You are in my prayers, Kate. I hope you know that.

* not his/her real name

Final Exam (not mine) and the news

2007-08-09T14:51:00.000-04:00

I am reading a wonderful book entitled "Final Exam - A Surgeon's Reflections on Mortality" by Pauline Chen. It is a wonderful glimpse into the mind of a physician on dying through stories of her own experience from medical school through practice. I have enjoyed this book immensely, but in the interest of not divulging too much, thus ruining the book for anyone, I will simply say that it is an easy read and one that I HIGHLY recommend. If Dr. Chen keeps a blog, I would love to add it to my regular reads. Does anyone know?

My husband and I are going to the beach for a few days come Sunday and I am really looking forward to spending time with him. While I have had my share of busy days working on that stupid, and thankfully over, pre-calc class, he is the one who has been truly slammed. So, more than anything I am hoping that he finds the vacation to be relaxing and rejuvenating. I have a tendency to be demanding and moody (which manifests itself as anger) and I really don't want that to come out during the time away. I have really been working hard on my anger and feel as though I am doing fairly well. He doesn't deserve what I put him through and I am working hard to change it. Don't get me wrong, I am not violent with him or anything, but being around someone who seems to be angry about everything can be a real drain I am certain.

The news has been a bit upsetting in recent days. Especially the trapped miners in Utah. Why is it that we can perform surgery remotely, but can't manage the technology to mine coal remotely and save lives - short and long term. Since the turn of the twentieth century, there have been 104,621 mining fatalities. That is just a bit less than 1000/year. Yikes! I am certainly not an expert or even one who keeps up with mine disasters, but another thing that infuriates me is the fact that during the current accident in Utah, the owner of the mine has had the audacity to claim that an earthquake was the culprit when all signs and seismologists point to the fact that the readings that he is citing were actually caused by the mine failure itself. I understand that the loss of mining to robots would result in hardships for many families who depend upon the mining profession. But, the fact of the matter is that the owners are in it for profit and aren't going to sink those profits into making working conditions safer. What is the price tag that we place on human life?

I must go. The shower is calling my name and then perhaps a few more pages of Dr. Chen's book.

TTFN,
Dr. Underdog

P.S. I have been asked what "TTFN" stands for..."Ta Ta For Now"...didn't anyone ever watch Winnie the Pooh? ;-) A Tigger phrase.

It is over. RIP you horrible math class.

2007-08-02T13:26:00.000-04:00

Thank GOD!

I woke up this morning, grabbed my laptop, and OMG! there it was...my grade. I had been sweating for a B. I was scared out of my mind.My grades were consistent with a B, but in my world you never know what can happen. I thought that final accounted for 25% of my grade. Thankfully, I was wrong.

The day that I went in to take the final, the A/C was broken. On top of that, the small testing center was packed to the max with hot bodies sweating it out. I was one of them. This was not the way I had wanted to take my exam. It was my FINAL! A QUARTER of my grade. I was nervous. I was glad that it was over. I had given it all I had and it was over, but I was still scared. After all, I was certain that I had aced my second campus exam and all I had to show for it was a 78. Ugh.

So, this morning when I looked at Blackboard I began to scream.
Final Exam : 97
Final Grade: A

Add 5 credit hours of an A to my BCPM and my overall...I am one super happy camper!

Test Anxiety...at a really bad time

2007-07-30T09:42:00.001-04:00

My final is today. Actually, it is whenever I get in there. I am so nervous that it is already having an affect on what I can recall. I looked over my old tests last night expecting to pick out a bunch of stuff that couldn't remember doing, but the result was quite the opposite. I was extremely comfortable with the material. Then, my husband had to make the stupid...STUPID...mistake of saying "It IS 25% of your grade." I freaked. I didn't sleep well. I don't feel good. I feel like I have had too much caffeine when I have really had none at all. I am trying to decide if I should continue to feed into my nervous frenzy and review the stuff over and over or should I just go take the dumb exam? I have not done any problems in 3 days. The almost seems second nature to me, which a completely strange feeling. But, the more I look at it, the more I realize what I could forget so I look over it again and again. I can't put the test off until tomorrow. This is the last day. In a few hours, this class will be behind me. I feel like going in and taking it now would be irresponsible, but I can't bear to look at it anymore. I am beyond the point where I can judge prudence. Unfortunately, I am also at the point where I somewhat don't care. I am getting a migraine thinking about it so much.

Ok, I don't care. I know what I know. I don't know what I don't know. Just PLEASE GOD let me get a B. How sad. I went from an A to a B. I have this stupid idea in my head that the best I can do is a B in a class that I deem to be "real." Apparently, I was taking 3 "fake" ones last term. Anyway, grades seem to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My post-bacc GPA is a 3.0 +. Not a 4.0. Ugh.

Ok, enough trying to calm myself down. I am going to take a shower and leave. No make up. No primping. Just throw on some clothes and get this thing over with.

Wish me luck.

A Few Interesting Reads

2007-07-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

Sometimes the news can be interesting, if not downright entertaining. Sometimes it makes you scratch your head and ask "What the...?" Here are a few interesting reads from the last couple of days:

Operating Table Fires

Drunk Astronauts

Feline Grim Reaper

Well, DUH! Who didn't know this?

Sniff..sniff. This is a sad one.

Why people shouldn't go into medicine for the money...bad decisions.

I could go on, but I will spare you. Good night.

Dr. U

Short Study Break

2007-07-25T10:56:00.001-04:00

I must complete 3 sections for my Pre-Calc class today. I have completed one so far. Luckily, I am a bit more enthused about it today considering they are my LAST 3 sections for the semester. I take my last campus test tomorrow and my final on Monday. By Monday afternoon, I will have completed 19 exams for this class in just over 5 weeks. I have really had to hump it because I got a late start. Either way, I am thrilled that it will soon be over. This calls for a little iTunes...hold on.

That's better.

My sister-in-law had a baby last weekend. I am really torn about this. She and I do not get along...AT ALL. She has been horrible to me since she met me. Actually, before she met me. My MIL wasn't exactly a big fan of mine in the beginning either. Ultimately, we were extremely close and loved each other tremendously. She admitted that it wasn't "me" ...it was the idea of me. It could have been anyone. She fought for my husband's attention/loyalty pretty until she died. He never wavered in his dedication to me. I could not have felt anymore supported. Pardon me if I have written this in an earlier post, I pay little attention to what I write in previous posts and just spill what I am thinking at the moment.

Anyway, she had this child. She is not a responsible adult. She has always wanted a "baby." What she doesn't seem to get is that that "babies" don't remain "babies." They grow up. She is not mentally or emotionally stable. She married her husband for his sperm. She admits this. (Does that give you an indication of what we have going here?) My husband and his sister are not close. But, she will call and pull this crap about their parents (both of whom have passed) and how she is emotionally a mess or how it would be so great to have them here or whatever. Ok, I don't have the first clue what it would be like not to have my parents. I was estranged from them for awhile due to abuse, but they are both very much alive and we are now mending our relationship. My husband has expressed no interest in having any more of a relationship with her than they currently have. A phone call here and there and they are on speaking terms. We do not get together though we live within 2 hours of each other. We didn't get together when we lived in the same area. She is a drain. I have repeatedly asked him if he would like to get together with them, if he would like to have more of a relationship, how much of a role he would like to play in this child's life...etc. He says that he doesn't want any more than what currently exists.

Again..I say: Anyway, she had this baby. This kid has no family other than her screwy mom and alcoholic dad. His family lives in Illinois. My SIL doesn't want to move there, despite the fact that her husband owns a house there and the cost of living is about half of where they are currently living, he wants to move, he can find job, and she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to move because she doesn't like change. She has no ties to the area anymore. The family is all moved or deceased. She spends her time in their apartment amidst a sea of unopened QVC boxes, watching TV waiting for the opportunity to add to her cardboard world.

I don't want to deprive this child of a family because her mom is an idiot. I remember what that was like...my mom couldn't get along with her siblings and I loved them. I didn't get to spend as much time with my cousins as I would have liked nor see my aunt and uncle like I would have liked. I don't want to hurt a child because of the "sins" of her mother. It is almost an ethical dilemma for me. The stress level that accompanies the thought of having to be in the same room with my SIL makes me ill.

Any suggestions?

Asthma, studying and so on and so forth

2007-07-19T10:43:00.000-04:00

It seems that my asthma is getting worse. I don't quite understand it, except perhaps to attribute it higher pollen counts in the air. I vary rarely take a puff from my Albuterol (aka rescue/fast acting inhaler), but I did this morning. I was wheezing up a storm. Luckily, I don't necessarily feel short of breath when I am wheezing which strikes me as kind of strange. I have an appointment with a pulmonologist on the 2nd, so that should explain a lot.

I have continued to work diligently on my distance learning course. I think I like this method of learning a lot better than lecture. I never thought that I would say that. But, I seem to be retaining more and understanding it better the first time around. Definitely a plus when it comes to studying for the MCAT in my opinion.

As soon as I complete this course, which will be on July 30th, I will begin a correspondence course that I have actually already taken but didn't put an ounce of effort into. I am hoping to replace the grade (for AACOM) and have it average (for AMCAS). Just a measly Medical Terminology class that I should have never gotten a C in in the first place, but I guess when you don't look at the stuff and take the final cold, a C is what you deserve. I know what to expect, because I am taking it at my uGrad univ which is where I took it the first time. I can't believe that THIS is a class I have to repeat. I wish I would repeat some others, but they are specialized classes in Health Administration that would have to be taken on campus and campus is nearly 2000 miles away.

I will be taking the GRE in October most likely, in order for me to apply to the MPH program. I will take the MCAT in May and submit AMCAS and AACOM in June. I will only be applying to my state schools this cycle and fall back on the MPH. We will have to see what happens.

I need to get my stuff in order to give to my LOR (letter of recommendation) writers. I am really looking forward to this class ending...successfully.

2007-07-14T17:25:00.000-04:00

photo: Kimberly-Clark/AP

I don't know that I have anything substantive to write today, but true to form I will post anyway. I have been spending a lot of time studying. It is pretty sad, the things one will do when completely bored out of their mind, but fully aware that it must be endured. I am studying trig. Specifically, Analytic Trigonometry. Which, of course SOUNDS a heck of a lot more impressive than it is. So, in an effort to entertain myself, I worked the words "Analytic Trigonometry" into a short conversation with my husband as many times as I possibly could. Pretty funny from where I stood. But, I guess anything is funny after staring at a book for hours upon end. Thankfully, this class ends in 2 weeks. I will take my final on July 30th.

The weekend before I take my exam, we are throwing a party for a couple of my husband's colleagues who are graduating. Being a proud 6th generation Texan (currently not living there), I am making authentic Tex-Mex including homemade tortillas. I am so used to being able to go to the grocery store and picking up all the things I need...like tortilla mix and jalapenos. I went to 3 stores the other day looking for jalapenos! What kind of self-respecting store runs out of jalapenos??? Not to mention what it cost me to order 16 pounds of preparada (flour tortilla mix) from a store in Houston and have it shipped. But, it means a lot to my honey and I would do anything for him.

Being a TP connoisseur and avid user of the fabulous stuff (ok, I have a healthy colon and drink a lot of water ;-) ... I am horrified by THIS.

2007-07-09T20:25:00.000-04:00

The theme for the next 3 weeks or so will be "It is almost over." I knew I hated math. Only a few more weeks and I am finished with it for good. Of course, that is what I said about formal education when I graduated from college. I have an exam tomorrow at noon and then another one Thursday at the same time. I postponed it from its originally scheduled date of today. I was having a freak out session last night and of course it rendered me totally stupid. Funny how that happens.

I secured another LOR (letter of recommendation) today...from my Biomedical Research prof. Actually, he VOLUNTEERED to write it. Weird! I didn't even ask him. I was eventually going to, but cool! That made me feel great. I am not sure if I will be working in a lab this year or not. I would like to see how things are done and get to put it on my application next year, but if it really would be totally useless and I would contribute absolutely nothing which would result in a completely negative (and therefore nonexistent) LOR, then is it really the brightest place to spend my time? The aforementioned BioMed prof gave me the names of some people at the med school that he collaborates with and whose research is more clinically based. He thinks that that is where I should devote my time if I decide to go forward with it. It is great to have someone who is completely not threatening who will answer questions so that I don't waste a year of my life. Not that being exposed to something that I have never been exposed to before would be a "waste"...

I have spent the last 6 hours retaking exams to prep myself for my big exam tomorrow. I think studying is over for the night.

Over and out.
Dr Underdog

I'm laughing at you

2007-06-19T18:55:00.000-04:00

I really can't stand people with superiority complexes...especially when they have absolutely nothing to be flaunting. I know, I know, "Hey, Dr. Underdog, you are going into the wrong field if you are turned off by egos." Egos are one thing. I laugh at most people...egos are entertaining. I have a couple of friends who recently showed their true colors. It was a total turn off. Each began speaking down to me like I was a child that didn't know her head from her back end. If that person/those people could have known the laughter that was going on in my head at those moments. Why is it that people find it so important to be that way? It is always a great "go to" for humor, but for some it is reality. What happened in those lives that leads one to behave that way?
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not blameless in this. I never claimed to be...but WOW!

I have often thought about foregoing the whole anonymous blog thing and spilling the details of everything, but it is times like this when I am glad I have left it the way it is. The only people who know whose blog this is are people that really don't "know" me anyway. I mean, they online know me and I have met a few, but the people that I deal with face to face everyday have no clue about this blog. This is where my head can take all of that laughter that has been stored up from people making idiots of themselves and it can run rampant all over the screen.

Laugh...it is the best revenge.

Specialties - quit asking

2007-06-16T09:38:00.000-04:00

Way too often, when I tell someone the path I am on, I am asked what kind of medicine I want to practice. In other words, what specialty have I chosen before I even enter medical school? I suppose that everyone who chooses this route has an idea...at least SOME idea before they enter, I am sure that that notion is what sent them this way in the first place. I thought I wanted to be a pediatric oncologist way back when. Not a bad gig I suppose, but I am 32 now and fellowships are long. Not to mention, those peds patients come with parents. Bummer. Parents will keep me from peds I am sure. I was sure I wanted a career in surgery. Um, not anymore. I am sure the queasiness will subside, but I wasn't enthralled enough in the process to devote my life to it. Maybe oncology? Maybe, maybe not. Internal medicine or family practice? Likely. Most people aren't impressed by that answer. Sadly, most are put off by that answer as if it is not acceptable - as if doctors should all practice something with 15 PGYs. In what a pitiful position they would find themselves without their family doc. Mine is my go to. I trust her. She has made a difference in my life. She is committed and passionate about what she does. Does it require a scalpel to possess these characteristics? Not in my opinion.

Bravo to those who have known they want to be a urologist since they were knee high to a grasshopper and put the blinders on to any and everything else. I am not one of those. I feel like it would short change me and my future patients to choose a specialty before being exposed to all that medicine has to offer. If I end up specializing in whatever I enter medical school with a desire to do, then great. But, med school is to learn. It is training. Maybe I will end up specializing in liposuction of only the left pinkie finger. HA! Do they have a name for that? Besides, what possesses one to chose UROLOGY as a kid? That must have been one messed up childhood! ;)

My homework is here but my mind is elsewhere

2007-06-15T21:54:00.000-04:00

I am trying to study. It is Friday night and I am not in the mood but I know I need to do it. Usually, I fall into a rhythm and I really don't want to stop. For a brief moment, I enjoy math. Tonight is not one of those cases. I am learning completely new material and my mind is not on it. I am trying, but something else consumes me. I was speaking with my mentor earlier today and suddenly she stopped. "Dr. Underdog, we need to change gears for just a second," she said. I sat there confused. She told me bluntly that she was going to have a hysterectomy and would be out of commission for about 4 weeks. I asked if she was OK. "Yeah...well, I will be." She told me about how she had asked about having liposuction performed at the same time but that, due to mass loss it was not going to happen. She joked about asking for a face lift as an alternative. We discussed how much weight she would lose as a result of the removal of the organs and she was surprised. I knew the numbers because my mother had the surgery done when I was in junior high. We joked on. She mentioned that "they" told her she had to have it done. In other words, this is not an elective procedure. I gathered that by her initial response: "I will be." She said that she would be available via phone and email until she is back on her feet... "You know how I deal with being down," she remarked.

I didn't press the subject very hard. I felt that she told me more than she needed to and I was grateful. But, it is obvious that this is not a benign situation and that is what has my mind right now. If it weren't for her, I would never be on this path in the first place. I would have remained a dreamer and not a doer. I would still be wondering what could have been and not looking forward to applying to medical school next year. I would still not be able to read. I would not be... a lot of good things.

This week was already one of thinking as I received an email from my dad that a man that had meant a lot to me growing up had died. Sonny was the husband of my youth minister, Mary Jayne, when I was in high school. I was extremely active in my church and spent a lot of time with them at various things and have great memories of times at their lake house where they eventually moved. Later, in my early 20s, I converted out of the Catholic church and married a Methodist minister. My parents had already made it clear to me that they were not happy about my conversion. Sonny had returned to seminary and became a deacon in the Catholic church, the highest position allowed to a married man. Unfortunately, our last encounter was not a good one. I was in Mary Jayne's office in my late 20s and Sonny walked down the hall. He saw me and walked right by. All he had to say (not even to me, but about me) was "Don't get near her, she will convert you." I laughed it off and tried to hug him, but he practically ran from me. It hurt. One of these days I will write about the hatefulness of those within the church and the pain of being a pastor's wife. But, for now, the world lost a great guy. Despite the way he treated me that day. Sonny died on June 8. While driving, he pulled over to the side of the road and had a heart attack. Sonny's picture (obviously in deacon robes) is the picture at the top of this post.

Whatever the underlying situation with my mentor, I pray that she is not lost. Call me selfish. Perhaps that is why math is the last thing on my mind.

Jury Duty interrupting my education

2007-06-12T11:21:00.000-04:00

Returned from Chicago and the OPM conference last night. It wasn't very good this year, consequently I didn't attend very many of the sessions. But, got some shopping done and got to spend a bunch of time with some friends from SDN.

It looks like I am going to have to drop my Chem lab. I was summoned to jury duty for the MONTH of JULY. You read that correctly - MONTH. As they direct, I submitted a request to be excused based upon my class schedule during that time and they have yet to respond. The only people that can grant the excuse are the judges and the summons specifically says not to call for that because it won't be done. So...the deadline to get the request in is June 15 which means they probably won't even look at it until the 15th. Unfortunately, the deadline to drop the lab (which meets 6x/week = 3 days/2x day) is TODAY. So, unless I get something in the mail today, I am going to have to drop. It isn't such a bad thing. I will add it to the Fall (hopefully) and just be slammed with labs. I can use the extra time to work on my math. I got an email from my distance learning prof this morning asking what was going on since I haven't submitted any work thus far. I am sending an exam out today, I just haven't yet. I am behind, but not out of my mind behind. Now, it will be the only thing I have to do for the summer so everything will be fine. I hope.

Lots of things to do today.
1. Buy a gift for a friend who just had a baby
2. Pick up my best friend's birthday gift
3. Sign the release so the body shop can get started on my Xterra from the accident last week
4. Mail exam to prof
5. Pick up package at the post office that hubby has been waiting for
6. Drop class
7. Study....thankfully I got quite a bit done this morning
8. Grocery store

That's all off the top of my head. I am sure there is more, but that's what immediately comes to mind.

If I expect to get it all done, I had better get a move on.

Later!
Dr. U

Leaving for OPM in the morning.

2007-06-05T10:35:00.001-04:00

**Unfortunately, there was some bad news last night. A transplant crew from the University of Michigan crashed into Lake Michigan and there are no known survivors. Very, very sad.
Based upon the specialties of the docs, it is apparent that the recipient was to be a child. Read more here. **

__________

One more day until I leave for OPM! Tomorrow night will be spent on a train to the Midwest since I am not a flier (at least right now) and Thursday night it is sushi in Chi-town with 3 fellow SDNers. I have been looking forward to this weekend since the last one - last June. I have not been studying as much as I should be... I am hoping to make up some time on the train.

I am still a bit sick. Ugh. I used never to get sick. What the heck? It seems like I am always coming down with something now. Anyway, I have lost a couple of pounds of muscle in the last week or so. Food hasn't been very appealing either...so I am hoping that perhaps I lost at least an OUNCE of fat. But, I am not optimistic. Today's agenda includes a mani, pedi, eyebrow wax, laundry, packing and few other errands. I also will be making dinner. This is somewhat unusual so I include it. Between hubby's schedule at the hospital and mine, dinner at home is not a frequent occurrence. I suppose that is good, seeing as though my cooking is pretty bad. The house is a complete wreck and I feel awful about leaving it like this while I am away because I know he will clean. But, the last thing I want to do is get all those dust bunnies and chemical molecules into my lungs. I am trying to get things out of there right now...not add more.

After reviewing a bunch of profiles on mdapps, I have decided to apply next cycle as originally planned instead of just making it "my first go-round" with plans for failure. I am pretty sold on DO. I would not turn down an allopathic spot, but I really believe in osteopathy and I believe that is where I should be. The unfortunate part of that is that the school 3 miles from me is MD. The closest allopathic is like 3 -5 hours away. That wouldn't be such a big deal, but I am married. We have discussed this a million times. We will make it through, I am not concerned about that. I just don't want to give him the idea that I am choosing school over him. That couldn't be further from the truth. He will be going into a position in the church in which he will need me by his side. I mean, not necessarily NEED, but it will look better for him as a pastor.

Ok, it is off to mani/pedi for me! Adios.

Fibromyalgia

2007-05-26T18:46:00.001-04:00

I have been working very hard to workout at least 5 days/week. Unfortunately, I am having a severe Fibro flare this week and it is knocking me on my a$$. I have to tell you, it is a REALLY bad feeling when the bottoms of your feet hurt to the touch. Not good. That is what Fibromyalgia is. (I am aware that I just ended that sentence with a preposition...so sue me.) If you aren't familiar with FM, check out this segment. I have been really struggling this week to continue my workout schedule. It is nothing big, but I need to keep going. Unfortunately, during times like these, getting out of bed is a huge accomplishment. I usually don't let it ruin me. If I can afford to have the day go to waste...well, then perhaps I will give in. But, I usually feel completely guilty afterward. Either way, typing this is driving me nuts...my hands are hot and swollen. My knuckles are tight. I can't get comfortable. That is probably the thing that makes me the craziest. Good day or bad, I can never get comfortable. There is either too much pressure here or too much pressure there. Really annoying. I try to be super careful when I know I have an exam coming up or something that will require super mind performance and especially when it is timed. I can get so distracted by the discomfort on the best day. I have a high tolerance for pain and am no longer on medication. I am glad of that - most days. I just make quiet accommodations. I don't sit in the middle of a row. I give myself as much moving room as possible. I sit in the front of the class when we are in desks and toward the back on the end of a row when I am in a lecture hall. I am very careful about what I wear to class. Being uncomfortable whether it be my shoes or a belt will ruin my day.

I could go on about this for quite awhile...perhaps convince you to pursue a career in Rheumatology, but my hands are so tight that it is radiating up my arms. I gotta jet. Have a good one!!

TTFN.

Surgery's not for me

2007-05-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

I had the opportunity to shadow a Cardiothoracic Surgeon yesterday and today. I really enjoyed clinic, but got pretty queasy during surgery. I am sure the next time I get to see it I will be much better, but I don't think I am interested in surgery as a specialty. Before this morning, I thought it was definitely and interest of mine. The faces in that room were not exactly pleasant. They didn't look happy. They didn't even appear to be enjoying being there. Hum. There is something wrong with that. The doc I was shadowing was the only one that seemed to be enjoying herself, and she was not exactly happy elsewhere. I liked her. I enjoyed my time shadowing her. She hated clinic. I liked it.

Getting nauseated during the surgery was a bummer. I had wanted to like surgery. I didn't. Unfortunately, I didn't even find it all that interesting. Granted, I left before I could really see anything. I was watching from the observation room as a precaution. I was afraid that I may become ill and I didn't want to embarrass myself. Frankly, the nerves were the worst part. I had never witnessed anything like that before. I am glad that I took the pansy's way out by watching from in there. I got to leave when I became really uncomfortable. Anyway, I am glad that I found out now that surgery was not for me. I was really bummed though...that I wasn't enthralled with it. I thought I would be completely wide-eyed. But I wasn't. Hum. Sad.

Office-based practice here I come! :) This may upset many people. Not me. I learned something about myself. I also learned that just because you are the only female and only D.O. surgeon in the cardiothoracic division of surgery - you don't have to be a b**** to be effective or be taken seriously. She's got my respect and apparently a lot of other people's.

A short update

2007-05-17T09:56:00.000-04:00

I am convinced that no one is reading this anymore, but that is ok. Apparently, it doesn't bother me seeing as though I continue to write. I know my entry the other day wasn't very verbose...hey, I think the 96% on an ANATOMY FINAL speaks volumes by itself! ;) Anyway, I have been a total slug the last day and a half. Yesterday was devoted to sleeping and Facebook. It was so fun! I located a bunch of people that I grew up with and have known for a hundred years...and my cousin who is attending my alma mater. How strange it is to know that the guy whose mother you helped stand after sitting on a curb while she was pregnant with HIM is now in medical school. So cool, yet so weird. His sister, who I have also known forever is divorced (I went to her wedding)...and the youngest of the 3 is 20. Nothing like that to make me feel old. Oh yes..there is...MY cousin is 21. I held her while she was still in the hospital. OMG.

I am feeling old...and scared...and unsure. That's the worst part. Am I SURE about this? I keep trying to talk myself out of it, but I can't. Is that a good sign or a bad one?

I will be shadowing a Cardiothoracic Surgeon (a D.O.!!!) next week. I am excited, but somewhat nervous.

Let's see, grades...I finished the semester with a 3.5. I may have already said that. Oh well, now you know twice. Geez, I just finished last week and I only have one more week of vacation before I return for summer classes. I am going to an open house at another medical school that I am interested in. It is an osteopathic school. I really prefer that philosophy. Would I turn down an allopathic acceptance? Absolutely not. (Seriously, am I crazy???) Obviously, my first choice is to stay right here in town where I can come home to hubby at night and perhaps maintain some semblance of normalcy. But, it is going to take a lot.

What a disjointed post. Ugh.

2007-05-15T11:09:00.001-04:00

96% on my Anatomy final....see ya!!

Spring Semester Over.

2007-05-09T14:19:00.000-04:00

The semester is over! My Anatomy final was yesterday and I am anxiously awaiting the grade. I need a B to make a B in the class. I felt like I took care of it on the test, but I never can say for sure until the score is posted. The best thing for me to do would be to forget about until Monday and check then, but I am too anxiety-ridden. Other than not knowing about Anatomy, I got 3 A's and 1 B this semester. Overall, I am pleased. Obviously, I would prefer that the B were an A, but I feel like I put forth a great effort and well...

Wheeeeee.

2007-05-01T11:24:00.000-04:00

I am about an hour from attending my last class of the semester. Thank God. I am really ready for it to be over. Now..it is time for finals. I am gaining weight and I really can't figure out why. I am doing more exercise than I typically do and my body usually does strange things when that happens, but this is really ticking me off. Aside from what the scale says, I feel huge. That is probably worse than the number.

Despite the whole weight thing, I am in a really good mood this morning. I wrote my paper for my Biomedical Research class and registered for a class for the summer. I am dressed and ready for class a full 30 minutes before I need to leave. Wow. That never happens. the sun is shining and I am driving the convertible today. I just have good feelings about today. Don't ask me why...I just do.

I still need to make my train reservations for the OPM (www.oldpremeds.org) conference in June. Last year was so much fun and there are even more of my SDN buddies going this year. I am so excited.

I think I have consumed way too much caffeine lately...I am so jittery. I hope she lets us out of class early today. I have no idea what we have left to cover, but my chem prof used every last minute of our final class yesterday so I am not putting it past the Anatomy one to do the same.

I am gonna jet. The day awaits.

Study Break

2007-04-29T21:27:00.000-04:00

This is a time when I have absolutely no business putzing around on the 'net. I finally finished a project for First Aid that took the entire weekend and I still have 2 Chemistry assignments (due tomorrow) and a paper for Biomedical Research to write (due Tuesday). I am going stir crazy. I can't stand to sit here at my desk anymore and yesterday I spent the time lying in bed working on my laptop. It has been a gorgeous weekend for weather...obviously I didn't get to enjoy it. Oh well...it is my choice. Thankfully, there was curve on the last Anatomy lecture exam and I have a B in the class. I am waiting for the results of the last practical that we took on Thursday night. I felt really good about it until the last 10 rotations or so. I wasn't completely lost on the last 10, it was just that up until that point I hadn't had any trouble. Anyway, I am still waiting for the results. If I can pull something decent on that, I will feel much better going into the final. I am really upset about the way Anatomy has turned out for me this semester. It is the only class that I am not set up to get an A in...but it is the class that I expected to get an A in. Really bothersome. There is no reason that I shouldn't have done better in there. I know the stuff. I know it. I can make excuses all day long, but when it comes right down to it...I don't know that I can pinpoint what it actually was. Perhaps a combination of a few things, some that I had control over, others that I didn't. I will end up with a 3.7 if all goes as expected through finals. I really don't want to think about grades right now. I am getting too worked up over finals.

My desk is an absolute mess. It looks like my mind feels. I have all sorts of stuff on here...including my dinner plate since I ate while working. I know that some people preach that you should always have a clean and clutter-free desk for maximum whatever. Obviously, that is not the philosophy to which I am subscribing right now. In fact, my entire office is just a sinkhole of mess. Maybe I will try to get it cleaned up before I begin studying seriously for finals. I say "maybe" because I have set so many goals like these before and priorities always win in the end. "Clean the desk or do the homework"...which is going to get me into med school? Certainly not cleaning the desk. I am definitely more a Christina (Grey's Anatomy) than a Meredith. At least when it comes to tidiness. I am always hygienic...just not always tidy. Ok, it is more likely to find my house a mess than clean. Sad, but true. Would I like to have a housekeeper? Sure, but this is one of those things that hubby says we can do ourselves and frankly I don't trust anyone anymore.

Anyway, I am gonna post this and try to work on Chem. If I can just get this one assignment done it would be great. I would only accomplish half of the stuff that I needed to this weekend and need to get creative to get the other stuff done...but I will still feel tremendous relief with this one assignment done.

Ok. Ta-Ta For Now.

2007-04-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

This has been a tough week for a variety of reasons. As I lie here typing this, I have ridiculously swollen eyes that caused me to not want to look in the mirror any longer. I have been really down in the dumps...whether this stage of it is depression or just a bad mood I am not certain, but I had a previously scheduled therapy session yesterday in which my doc and I took turns raising our voice to each other. I really couldn't wait to get out of there, but perhaps the fact that I didn't want to be there in the first place and I told her that didn't really set a positive tone. Either way, it is over.

I was thrilled to read this morning that the major project that I have had scheduled due this Monday is actually due NEXT Monday.

It is a gorgeous day here. Hubby was on duty last night so he is napping, but hopefully we will get some stuff done or go biking this afternoon. I am kind of anxious to tackle the trails near our house, but he is not so much of a daredevil when it comes to biking. Don't misunderstand me, I am not a daredevil by nature, but I am not all that afraid of getting hurt on a bike. Perhaps I should be.

Gee, this was a useless post.

4.16.07

2007-04-17T21:48:00.000-04:00

This post will come as close to me revealing who I am to those who don't already know.

Campus was very quiet today. Eerily quiet. There was a somberness that was palpable. I do not attend Virginia Tech, but nearly everyone at my university knows SOMEONE who does. My best friend was at VT when the shootings occurred yesterday. As you can imagine, she is visibly shaken.

Regardless of who you are, where you were, what school you attend or your role in life at the current time, it is understandable that this affected you. It affected me. Perhaps I was being hard hearted when I thought it wouldn't. It did. I watched hour after hour of the coverage with my jaw dropped, unsure of what to say. You don't say anything at a time like that I guess.

I need to go right now, I will likely edit this later.

Circling the bowl.

2007-04-15T20:43:00.000-04:00

I thought that perhaps the depressive episode that I was experiencing had subsided a bit, but apparently I was wrong. Unfortunately, not only am I dealing with that right now, I am having a fibro flare (I have Fibromyalgia) and anxiety (I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder also) is kicking my A$$ as well. I don't know what the worst part is. The depression is really, really rough but the anxiety makes you want to be flying off the same bridge as the depression. I just need to make it through the next 3 weeks and then I can crumble...for a LITTLE bit. I will only have 2 weeks to spare for any nervous breakdown that my body/mind is thinking about having without my permission. The end of the semester is near...very near. I am thrilled, scared and sad all in the same thought. I have had a wonderful Anatomy lab this semester and I am not anxious for that to be over, but on the other hand I am really looking forward to the class being over. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed it but I feel that we are severely limited in what we can learn without regular exposure to cadavers. I am fed up with the juvenile behavior exhibited by so many people that decide to crash the lab the week before a practical. We all spend a heck of a lot of time in there at those times, but is it REALLY necessary to break models and human bones for the sake of having fun? I think not. I had a couple of friends over today to study for a lecture exam that we have coming up on Thursday. I am seriously behind the ball on this one. Somehow, I need to pull it out by Thursday. I really don't have any doubt that it can be done, it is just a matter of if my mind will cooperate.

I have 2 doctor's appointments this week...or is it 3? Either way, I don't have time for anything outside of school until the semester is over. I know in my heart of hearts that I should also go to see my primary because another doc of mine is concerned about pancreatitis, but I DON'T HAVE TIME! It is 8:55 on Sunday night and while I could be studying, I am not. I am wallowing in self pity and self-disgust. I don't know why, but I know that whatever this is is not healthy.

Please God, help me hold up for 3 weeks.

Don Imus Fired.

2007-04-12T21:01:00.000-04:00

I am not going to give my opinion (at least in this post) on the matter of Don Imus's comments regarding the Rutgers Women's Basketball team, suspension and eventual firing. But, I would like to know yours. Come on! Give me your opinion and what causes you to feel/think that way.

Oh... and on the school front.. I received a 100 on my most recent Biomedical Research paper. That makes a 95 and a 100. WOO HOO!

Thanks!

Falling...

2007-04-11T14:18:00.000-04:00

Recent days have been very difficult for me. I can't get myself motivated .. for anything. Mere existence is a huge effort. I haven't dealt with depression like this in quite a while, but I appears my time has come again. Perhaps blogging about this is not exactly wise, but too many people have a sense of shame when it comes to depression and I think that is wrong. Unfortunately, I feel the same way. In fact, if I had given any indication as to who I am, I wouldn't be entering this post. Depression sucks. I was diagnosed with depression many years ago and it really didn't surprise anyone. There was enough stuff to deal with that depression was pretty quick to diagnose. I really don't like, nor appreciate when someone seemingly diminishes what another is enduring when it is depression. "The blues" or feeling "down" is something completely different. I have no desire to eat, to talk, you get the picture. I have had it beaten into me by my doctor that no matter what I MUST keep moving and so here I am typing. I would rather be sleeping or staring at the wall. Staring at the wall seems to fit right now.

What I am going through doesn't fit into my friends' schedule. You see, I am supposed to be in a good mood all the time and available at their beckon call. Last night, a friend of mine called and after seeing me obviously not doing well yesterday and despite the fact that I sounded 1. half asleep and 2. horribly out of it she proceeded to begin yapping and crying about how upset she was about some friend's dad dying. This is not a friend I have ever heard of before. In fact, she didn't even hear it from the friend or a friend of the friend. She heard the news from her own mother. But, that is beside the point. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO GIVE YOU RIGHT NOW! I AM HURTING HERE AND YOU APPARENTLY DON'T GIVE A RAT'S A$$ ENOUGH TO EVEN ASK WHAT IS WRONG. In all fairness, it is not like I would tell you..frankly, I wouldn't know what to say, but please don't call me when I have felt like I am hanging on the the Earth by my toenails and start in like I am in a completely solid frame of mind. I am hurting right now. I am hurting worse than I can express and apparently worse than you understand.

Completing this post has taken me several hours. I don't have anymore, but please be sympathetic if you can't be empathetic. This sucks. Good night.

The New Generation...

2007-04-06T21:34:00.000-04:00

Over the course my education this time around, I have become acutely aware of the significant differences that exist in the students from 12 years ago to now. I am more aware of how much more students study, or maybe it was just the students that I hung out with just didn't seem to. Unfortunately, I have also been exposed to the stark entitlement issues that students now seem to have. If it isn't THEIR way, it is NO WAY. The good of the group does not compare to the good of themselves. I wish I could accurately describe this in detail, but I can't. For example, if something that a professor says (even if it IS the truth) makes you cry...that is for some reason inexcusable. What? Since when? That is life! If I hear one more girl say "he/she made me cry" or "they almost made me cry" I am going to scream. Apparently, in this new time, if you cry it increases the severity of the offense exponentially. I really do not understand this. Political correctness gone awry. I am not a big fan of political correctness. I never know what to call anyone or how to describe them. Once you figure it out it changes, not to mention it typically doesn't make any sense. I live in a very, very diverse city and my university is even more so. I enjoy diversity...usually. Except when it becomes something of a weapon. Where am I going with this? Gee, I wish I could explain that completely too. Here is the story:

Today, I had Chemistry. About 5 to 10 minutes after the class began, I noticed my instructor pause and look down the aisle and smile...quite noticeably. I know this instructor rather well and this was not a normal expression for her. Not that she doesn't smile - she does and often. But it was more like she was taken aback and then a smile emerged. I thought she was sharing an inside story with someone. Not really a joke, but a story. When I looked back, I saw a girl walking down the aisle of the lecture hall with her say, 2 year old son. They took a seat in the second row center. The kid was adorable to say the least. But, I couldn't understand why someone would walk in late with an obvious distraction and perch in the second row. When I walk into a lecture once the professor has begun speaking, I choose a seat in the back where I will not distract the rest of the class as I traipse to my normal seat. I have been in classes many times when parents were forced to bring their children for one reason or another. Sometimes I am sure it is inevitable. I admire them for the extra effort they go to to get an education. Usually the parents sit in a scarcely populated area of the room or the back and I have never encountered a significant difficulty with this. But, this woman (girl) chose neither. Most kids have been so well behaved you don't even know they are in the room. Unfortunately, this was not one of those times. The kid talked and talked and when he wasn't talking the mother inexplicably kept saying "Shh. Shh." The instructor stopped 3 times to shush the child in her most pleasant voice. The mother did nothing. I sit in the front row, center...right in from of the student with the child...I could not hear what the professor was saying. Literally, it was THAT loud. I kept thinking it would stop eventually but 20 minutes later they were still going strong. I thought about leaving. I also thought about asking her to move to the back so I could hear but like I said people have entitlement issues and unfortunately react poorly when these are threatened. Frankly, I didn't want to be beaten up. (I'm serious, this is a violent city.) Eventually, the woman (my friend and a non-trad post-bacc engineering student) sitting next
to me had had enough. I was looking down at my notebook when I felt her hand fly into the air. I decided it was best to keep my head down, which I did. She apologized to the mother but explained to the instructor that she simply could not hear (even from the front row) and felt that children did not belong in this or any lecture hall. (On many syllabi at my univ, children in the classroom are specifically prohibited.) The mother said she would leave. My row mate was not rude, quite polite by my standards actually. My head was still down. Call me a wimp, I don't want to start trouble...hey, I am trying to get into med school here. After the mother and her child had left the room everyone was roaring about how rude my friend had been and how mean it was to say that. I honestly don't believe anyone realized how loud it was (CONSTANTLY) where we were sitting. I defended my friend in front of the class, but it was obvious no one agreed. That student with her child could have made better choices...like sitting in the back. I still think it would have been an audible distraction but at least I would have been able to HEAR the instructor. I am assuming that the rest of the class didn't experience the volume of those 20 minutes because they were behind her. They were not in the complaining student's position, I was, yet they were judging her as if they were. Apparently, this episode has already spread around campus (oh geez). I know this because a friend who was not in class emailed me because she had heard from someone who is NOT in the class, but heard from someone who is. OH MY. I opened my email and found this email from a student in the class. I feel was wrong. Oh, and speaking of "public announcements"...she was heard by only those present...he sent this to EVERYONE enrolled.

Subject: Chemistry: A Healthy Rant...Please Read

TO THE LADY WHO CAUSED THE SINGLE MOTHER TO LEAVE CLASS TODAY:

Lady, I don't know what your name/problem is (nor do I care) but you need to
grow a spine and get over yourself.

(For those of you not privy to whom I am speaking, it is the "older woman,"
sitting in the front of the class, who made a public announcement causing the
single mother with her child to leave class today)

Now I am going to begin this rant....

Lady, you are not the center of the universe. Where as I do understand it
becomes more difficult to learn as age progresses and the child may have been a
faint distraction, what you did today was completely uncalled for. I do not
know if you have children of your own, or what your family status is, but you
did that mother a serious disservice today, and I don't know if you know it,
but you seriously embarrassed yourself as well.

Let me begin by putting this in context, here is a woman who is admirably
trying to get a college education while also taking care of a child. (XXX University) has
basically zero services for student parents, and in attempting to do what is
necessary to further her education, she must bring her child to class. As
such, you decided it was more important for you to hear uninterruptedly (rather
than just read up on chapters of the parts you weren't clear on) and
consequently make a public announcement about how much of a distraction the
child is, causing that single mother to leave.

Completely heartless, ridiculous, immature, and uncalled for...

Not only was the content of your statement completely absurd and uncalled for,
the manner in which you pursued this was entirely childish and basically
ridiculous. If you had so much of a problem, why could you not simply turn
around and approach this mother as an adult and speak to her as a human being
asking her to resolve the situation personally. Rather, you felt it necessary
to "tattle tale and tell teacher" that the child was making it impossible to
learn, via a public announcement. Now imagine how that poor mother felt,...
embarrassed... and who knows what other emotions, and deprived of the same
education which you so obviously also value.

I am ashamed to be your colleague as a student here at (XXX University).

And if I may, TO THE SINGLE MOTHER WHO BROUGHT HER SON TO CLASS TODAY... You are more than welcomed to bring your son to class any day, furthermore, I would
be more than willing to sit with him in the back of the class if necessary, if
that is what it takes for you to come to class and learn. And I am sorry that
some people (as old as they may be) are still not mature enough to treat
situations as adults and in appropriate manners

-(XXX Student)

So, I am interested on YOUR take on the matter. Children in the second row of the classroom...should the students being disrupted leave or should the parent leave? Maybe I am wrong. Let me know what you think.

Over and out,
Dr. Underdog

First Meeting...and other junk.

2007-04-03T16:15:00.000-04:00

Today was the first meeting of our new organization, (XXX Univ) Students for Organ Donation. We had a small turn out, but I will take those few with their enthusiasm over a mob of "whatevers" any day. I am encouraged and excited by what we can accomplish with this group. We already have a work day scheduled...NEXT WEEK!

I got my grade from my Anatomy practical... an 80. I guess that isn't horrible considering I completely forgot about the ... the... see, I can't even remember it now!! Ugh. It is on the fourth ventricle...somewhere...and responsible for the production of CSF. Aggh! Why can't I remember it? Some sort of plexus....YES! THE CHOROID PLEXUS. Geez, that was painful. Anyhow, I wrote that it was the central aqueduct. I know, I know brilliant, but hey, it was a guess.

I am really fatigued this afternoon. Not sleepy, just fatigued. The weather is gorgeous, but I always have a bit of a time adjusting to the warmer temps.

A friend of mine, a pre-nursing student, had a major breakdown this morning. I am not convinced that she was not considering suicide, but seems to be doing much better now. It was really horrible. When I finally found out where she was, I practically busted down her door to find her crying in the kitchen. She cried for hours after that. There was so little I could do. She was upset about her grades and it never helps when I get a higher grade than she does on an Anatomy exam. Thankfully, on this exam, I didn't indicate how I thought I had done (frankly, because I didn't know) but she always gets upset when I say that I think I bombed it (which I legitimately think I have) and then end up with a higher grade than she does. She is convinced that it is some horrible thing I am doing to her. I am not trying to. I am answering a question. I scored 20 points higher than her on the lecture exam and 10 points higher on the practical. The sad part is that I think in many cases she is much more prepared for the test than am I. She really shouldn't be getting the grades she is..if you took into account the hours of prep she does. Either way, she had a major breakdown which was topped off by her finding out that she scored a 70. Thankfully (so sad that THIS is the good part) a friend of ours REALLY bombed it so she could concentrate on how much worse it could have been. Somehow, I got her to go to class and the meeting which, sadly, she managed to cry through intermittently. Those days are really rough. I hope she can soon begin to see the brightness ahead. Heck, we only have a month left!

2007-03-31T19:52:00.000-04:00

92%. That was my final grade on my last Chemistry exam and I am stoked! I did not study one iota today for ANY subject. Including the Anatomy lecture exam that I have this week, yet somehow I don't feel guilty. Tomorrow, I won't have the luxury of taking a nap. Tomorrow is do or die. I understand this. Perhaps I will go to the library. I have a home office, but I also have a bedroom just down the hall. Somehow, it doesn't work out very well. I am not crazy about libraries either. I prefer a table in a slightly noisy area of the campus...maybe the commons or the food court. I am not sure how that preference evolved, but it is. Hubby is working tomorrow so I won't feel guilty about not being with him during one of those rare weekends when he has off. There will come a time when he must grapple with the guilt of not spending time with me on a rare free day.

I am optimistic today. The rollercoaster of emotion is sickening.

Go away sun...bring in the clouds

2007-03-25T16:55:00.000-04:00

Spring Fever is a killer. I am trying to write a paper on Ethics in Biomedical Research and I can't keep my head in the game. Terrible, absolutely terrible. Perhaps it has something to do with the gorgeous day that I am missing? I am stressed about my Anatomy practical this week. Geez! I have an exam in CPR tomorrow that I can't imagine could be very difficult, but who knows - it will be our first one in there. I haven't paid much attention to that class with the exception of 3 papers, and with the recent changes to the ARC's CPR protocol, I am a little lost. It's pretty far from rocket science, but if I don't know it by tomorrow night I am in trouble. So, I guess I should actually crack the book. This weekend has gone by WAY too fast and I am not ready to go back to class. I am SO over school, but somehow I can't bring myself to leave. Hummmm. Interesting and disturbing at the same time. I wish it would just get cold and dreary for another 6 weeks until the semester is over. This nice weather is going to be the death of me. Hubby went for a walk in the park this afternoon and has been watching basketball upstairs since we returned from church. He is in a Masters program. C'mon Dr. Underdog! There are other things that are much easier than this! I have one paper after this one left in my Biomedical Research class. Usually, I don't mind papers, but I feel like a total moron in that class. I have an A, but none the less I feel like a complete imbecile.

The Chem exam that I got an 85 on will soon be changed to a 92 due to some extra credit on Wednesday. I can't wait.

Ok, I gotta get outta here.

Not going back

2007-03-21T21:24:00.000-04:00

Today was a rarity. Since I dropped my PreCalc class, I am finished at 11 am on Wednesdays. I came home, watched TV and took a nap! It was great. The guilt of not studying was killing me but somehow I ignored it until I become unconscious. Today was a wonderful day. We had a Chem exam...you know the one that was supposed to be a quiz??? Yesterday, I was COMPLETELY and TOTALLY lost on the material. But, after studying with a fellow non-trad (Engineering) I was ready and pulled an 85!! Woo hoo! The class average was 63 so I am quite pleased.

This whole prep process can be extremely roller-coateresqe. This morning, I was convinced that I was going to need to find another career path. This afternoon, I am a bit more optimistic. Not that an 85 is going to get me into med school, but it is not a C either. The fact of the matter is that I have been out of my former career long enough that I can't go back and, as my husband points out, I really don't want to. True. Very true. So, whether every med school (allo and osteo) in the country turns me down or not, I am not returning to my previous life. Which, in itself is amazingly relieving. Weird. I never have really considered it like that before.

Long road, short attention span.

2007-03-17T22:20:00.000-04:00

I did not study all week during Spring Break like I told myself I would. I was busy and sick for the first 3 days and then I finally (slowly) got to it. But, WHOA! I can't keep my mind on it. Today, I started early...well, relatively early..it was still the morning and have been working ever since. The thing is that I have had to bribe myself with short breaks every 20 minutes or so to keep going. AGGH! I got a substantial amount of work done today, but geez...how frustrating. I guess tomorrow will be more of the same.

I am really not looking forward to returning to classes on Monday. I do not understand what is going on in Chem and my prof has completely lost her cool with the class. Granted, the class is horrible. This is the worst group of students that I have ever been with. Really, it is bad. But, I feel like asking a question that she feels that I should understand may just get my head bitten off. Yikes. I am trying to find a private tutor. My univ has free tutoring, but I want someone who can follow along with me as I go through the class(es) rather than going into random people and them asking "So, what don't you understand?" I have always thought that was the worst question someone could ask. If I understood enough to tell you that I don't understand it, then I wouldn't NOT understand it!! Seriously, I know that sounds stupid, but if I can go in and tell you that I am lost at concept 6, that means that somewhere along the way I fell off the wagon in concepts 1-5. I don't know where, I don't know why. You can explain that to accomplish concept 6, I must do X, Y, and Z, but if I don't understand where you are getting X,Y, and Z how to identify that I need to apply concepts 1-5, isn't that a problem that simply brings us back to the beginning? So, that is my reason for looking for a tutor rather than using univ services. I am all about going to free supplemental instruction sessions for Anatomy and such...it is very helpful, but I need more in Chem. It doesn't come naturally...it doesn't even come artificially. I am hurting here!

The NCAA tournament has kept hubby entertained this weekend and in my effort to be with him this evening, I have contorted myself into extremely unnatural positions in a recliner with my 500 pound Anatomy book...I am sure that I will be paying for that in the morning.

I keep trying to think of something that would satisfy me as much as medicine. This is, being a physician. I can't. I actually wish that I could, I would love a shorter road. But, I guess the alternative isn't meant to be and hopefully that means that I am on the right right road. It sure feels like it. WEEEEEEEEEEIRRRRRD!

2007-03-15T18:44:00.000-04:00

Since I am doing such a darn good job putting off returning to the anatomy lab, I thought I would make my presence known here. I am on Spring Break. This has easily been the most boring Spring Break ever as it was simply filledwith things that had to get done. I have 3 huge exams when I go back to classes and I am not ready for them...hence the whole anatomy lab thing. I was there earlier and need to spend some more time staring at bones. Gee, fun. I have been sick most of the week which has been a downer, but not the end of the world. Unfortunately, I felt so bad that I was unable to study (or do anything for that matter)..so I am trying to catch up. My parents came last week... um, well...I'll talk about that another time.

I suddenly have the urge to go do dishes and rush off to the lab. LOL

Not a good day to be this student.

2007-03-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Today has not been a good day in the academic life of this post-bacc student. I had a Chem quiz this morning at 8 which was actually quite a bit easier than I anticipated. I spent somewhere in the vicinity of 7 hours studying yesterday for my PreCalc (yes, wussyPRECalc) exam. I knew I had to do well since I bombed the first one. I thought I was at least decently prepared. Is studied until nothing else was going in. Beyond that point, work is fruitless. Unfortunately, I got in the today and forgot everything I knew. I don't know if my test anxiety has returned or what, but this is the second time that it has happened in this class. the REALLY unfortunately part about it is that we have only had 2 exams. So, I had to do what I swore I never would...I dropped it. I am so angry. A friend of mine was doing the whole "Have you talked to your prof?" thing. About what??? If I ace the remaining tests, I still only have a shot at a high C, low B...and the chances of my acing ANYTHING in that class seem to be pretty slim (judging from the brilliance I have exhibited so far.) The class is dropped. I am extremely disappointed in myself. Now, I am concerned that checks for the pre/co reqs for Chem haven't been done and I will be booted out of there. I actually still have a more than decent chance in there!! Additionally, a bunch of trivial things have happened that just didn't make the day any better.

This is a lot of work and I am so disappointed in myself. :(

EDIT:
Actually, this is not as much of an "edit" as it is an addendum. Hubby and I went grocery shopping and I came into my office to putz around a bit before jumping into Anatomy. I checked Blackboard for any updates on my grades. Um...yeah...the day just got significantly better!

I turned in a major paper in Biomedical Research (which sounds more impressive than it really is) and the grades were finally posted...the class average was 83.71. I got a 95!! Couple that with the 98 I got on my major paper in First Aid/CPR (my fluff classes are so much work!) and I am a happy camper.

As I mentioned above,we took a Chem quiz this morning. The average was a 10.42/20. Ugh. I got a 14. While it is not great, I am thrilled that I scored so much higher than the average...especially since I spent all of my time studying for that stupid PreCalc exam that defeated me today. Don't misunderstand me, I am not gauging accomplishment based upon my classmates, but it is a good benchmark by which to judge the "difficulty" of the material and how well I am understanding it. When you have 200 other people that have listened to the same lectures taking the same quiz, their score are not inconsequential.

Either way, today just got better! Whew!

Not complaining..

2007-03-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today was fine. Humanities Chem class and then Anatomy. Nothing to write home about. We were offered extra credit in anatomy that, of course, I will be taking advantage of. I had a massage after classes were over for the day and I have been sitting at my desk studying since then. I have a uber-important exam tomorrow in PreCalc. I hate to say that it is uber important because all that does is freak me out, but really, it is. I need to at least get a B on it, but my confidence is severely lacking. I always end up flipping my pencil around like I know what I am doing (because somehow I think if I am writing, I must know what is going on - LOL) but always end up getting it back to reveal that I was sadly mistaken. I really don't want that to happen tomorrow. I also need to study for a chemistry quiz that I have at 8am and at some point find time to send out a mass email to the organization that I lead. But, for now, I need ot go pick up hubby at the hospital.

TTYL.

Short Post (can you blame me?

2007-03-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

It is an absolutely gorgeous day here. I put aside studying for the day (I know, I know), dropped the top on the convertible and BAM! instant vacation. So what that we were catching up on trips to Lowe's and the grocery store. Does it matter that the highlight of the day shopping day was buying apples on sale for $0.98/lb? Not to me. I am so grateful to have today with my hubby, without a week from hell ahead of me. This week is rather slow. I have a PreCalc Exam on Wednesday (which is the big thing for the week), a quiz in Chem, a quiz in HUMS Chem, topped off by a quiz in Anatomy Lab on Thursday night.

Why am I wasting my time posting on here? See ya!