Test Anxiety...at a really bad time

My final is today. Actually, it is whenever I get in there. I am so nervous that it is already having an affect on what I can recall. I looked over my old tests last night expecting to pick out a bunch of stuff that couldn't remember doing, but the result was quite the opposite. I was extremely comfortable with the material. Then, my husband had to make the stupid...STUPID...mistake of saying "It IS 25% of your grade." I freaked. I didn't sleep well. I don't feel good. I feel like I have had too much caffeine when I have really had none at all. I am trying to decide if I should continue to feed into my nervous frenzy and review the stuff over and over or should I just go take the dumb exam? I have not done any problems in 3 days. The almost seems second nature to me, which a completely strange feeling. But, the more I look at it, the more I realize what I could forget so I look over it again and again. I can't put the test off until tomorrow. This is the last day. In a few hours, this class will be behind me. I feel like going in and taking it now would be irresponsible, but I can't bear to look at it anymore. I am beyond the point where I can judge prudence. Unfortunately, I am also at the point where I somewhat don't care. I am getting a migraine thinking about it so much.

Ok, I don't care. I know what I know. I don't know what I don't know. Just PLEASE GOD let me get a B. How sad. I went from an A to a B. I have this stupid idea in my head that the best I can do is a B in a class that I deem to be "real." Apparently, I was taking 3 "fake" ones last term. Anyway, grades seem to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. My post-bacc GPA is a 3.0 +. Not a 4.0. Ugh.

Ok, enough trying to calm myself down. I am going to take a shower and leave. No make up. No primping. Just throw on some clothes and get this thing over with.

Wish me luck.

A Few Interesting Reads

Sometimes the news can be interesting, if not downright entertaining. Sometimes it makes you scratch your head and ask "What the...?" Here are a few interesting reads from the last couple of days:

Operating Table Fires

Drunk Astronauts

Feline Grim Reaper

Well, DUH! Who didn't know this?

Sniff..sniff. This is a sad one.

Why people shouldn't go into medicine for the money...bad decisions.



I could go on, but I will spare you. Good night.

Dr. U

Short Study Break

I must complete 3 sections for my Pre-Calc class today. I have completed one so far. Luckily, I am a bit more enthused about it today considering they are my LAST 3 sections for the semester. I take my last campus test tomorrow and my final on Monday. By Monday afternoon, I will have completed 19 exams for this class in just over 5 weeks. I have really had to hump it because I got a late start. Either way, I am thrilled that it will soon be over. This calls for a little iTunes...hold on.

That's better.

My sister-in-law had a baby last weekend. I am really torn about this. She and I do not get along...AT ALL. She has been horrible to me since she met me. Actually, before she met me. My MIL wasn't exactly a big fan of mine in the beginning either. Ultimately, we were extremely close and loved each other tremendously. She admitted that it wasn't "me" ...it was the idea of me. It could have been anyone. She fought for my husband's attention/loyalty pretty until she died. He never wavered in his dedication to me. I could not have felt anymore supported. Pardon me if I have written this in an earlier post, I pay little attention to what I write in previous posts and just spill what I am thinking at the moment.

Anyway, she had this child. She is not a responsible adult. She has always wanted a "baby." What she doesn't seem to get is that that "babies" don't remain "babies." They grow up. She is not mentally or emotionally stable. She married her husband for his sperm. She admits this. (Does that give you an indication of what we have going here?) My husband and his sister are not close. But, she will call and pull this crap about their parents (both of whom have passed) and how she is emotionally a mess or how it would be so great to have them here or whatever. Ok, I don't have the first clue what it would be like not to have my parents. I was estranged from them for awhile due to abuse, but they are both very much alive and we are now mending our relationship. My husband has expressed no interest in having any more of a relationship with her than they currently have. A phone call here and there and they are on speaking terms. We do not get together though we live within 2 hours of each other. We didn't get together when we lived in the same area. She is a drain. I have repeatedly asked him if he would like to get together with them, if he would like to have more of a relationship, how much of a role he would like to play in this child's life...etc. He says that he doesn't want any more than what currently exists.

Again..I say: Anyway, she had this baby. This kid has no family other than her screwy mom and alcoholic dad. His family lives in Illinois. My SIL doesn't want to move there, despite the fact that her husband owns a house there and the cost of living is about half of where they are currently living, he wants to move, he can find job, and she doesn't work. She just doesn't want to move because she doesn't like change. She has no ties to the area anymore. The family is all moved or deceased. She spends her time in their apartment amidst a sea of unopened QVC boxes, watching TV waiting for the opportunity to add to her cardboard world.

I don't want to deprive this child of a family because her mom is an idiot. I remember what that was like...my mom couldn't get along with her siblings and I loved them. I didn't get to spend as much time with my cousins as I would have liked nor see my aunt and uncle like I would have liked. I don't want to hurt a child because of the "sins" of her mother. It is almost an ethical dilemma for me. The stress level that accompanies the thought of having to be in the same room with my SIL makes me ill.

Any suggestions?

Asthma, studying and so on and so forth

It seems that my asthma is getting worse. I don't quite understand it, except perhaps to attribute it higher pollen counts in the air. I vary rarely take a puff from my Albuterol (aka rescue/fast acting inhaler), but I did this morning. I was wheezing up a storm. Luckily, I don't necessarily feel short of breath when I am wheezing which strikes me as kind of strange. I have an appointment with a pulmonologist on the 2nd, so that should explain a lot.

I have continued to work diligently on my distance learning course. I think I like this method of learning a lot better than lecture. I never thought that I would say that. But, I seem to be retaining more and understanding it better the first time around. Definitely a plus when it comes to studying for the MCAT in my opinion.

As soon as I complete this course, which will be on July 30th, I will begin a correspondence course that I have actually already taken but didn't put an ounce of effort into. I am hoping to replace the grade (for AACOM) and have it average (for AMCAS). Just a measly Medical Terminology class that I should have never gotten a C in in the first place, but I guess when you don't look at the stuff and take the final cold, a C is what you deserve. I know what to expect, because I am taking it at my uGrad univ which is where I took it the first time. I can't believe that THIS is a class I have to repeat. I wish I would repeat some others, but they are specialized classes in Health Administration that would have to be taken on campus and campus is nearly 2000 miles away.

I will be taking the GRE in October most likely, in order for me to apply to the MPH program. I will take the MCAT in May and submit AMCAS and AACOM in June. I will only be applying to my state schools this cycle and fall back on the MPH. We will have to see what happens.

I need to get my stuff in order to give to my LOR (letter of recommendation) writers. I am really looking forward to this class ending...successfully.

photo: Kimberly-Clark/AP


I don't know that I have anything substantive to write today, but true to form I will post anyway. I have been spending a lot of time studying. It is pretty sad, the things one will do when completely bored out of their mind, but fully aware that it must be endured. I am studying trig. Specifically, Analytic Trigonometry. Which, of course SOUNDS a heck of a lot more impressive than it is. So, in an effort to entertain myself, I worked the words "Analytic Trigonometry" into a short conversation with my husband as many times as I possibly could. Pretty funny from where I stood. But, I guess anything is funny after staring at a book for hours upon end. Thankfully, this class ends in 2 weeks. I will take my final on July 30th.

The weekend before I take my exam, we are throwing a party for a couple of my husband's colleagues who are graduating. Being a proud 6th generation Texan (currently not living there), I am making authentic Tex-Mex including homemade tortillas. I am so used to being able to go to the grocery store and picking up all the things I need...like tortilla mix and jalapenos. I went to 3 stores the other day looking for jalapenos! What kind of self-respecting store runs out of jalapenos??? Not to mention what it cost me to order 16 pounds of preparada (flour tortilla mix) from a store in Houston and have it shipped. But, it means a lot to my honey and I would do anything for him.

Being a TP connoisseur and avid user of the fabulous stuff (ok, I have a healthy colon and drink a lot of water ;-) ... I am horrified by THIS.

The theme for the next 3 weeks or so will be "It is almost over." I knew I hated math. Only a few more weeks and I am finished with it for good. Of course, that is what I said about formal education when I graduated from college. I have an exam tomorrow at noon and then another one Thursday at the same time. I postponed it from its originally scheduled date of today. I was having a freak out session last night and of course it rendered me totally stupid. Funny how that happens.

I secured another LOR (letter of recommendation) today...from my Biomedical Research prof. Actually, he VOLUNTEERED to write it. Weird! I didn't even ask him. I was eventually going to, but cool! That made me feel great. I am not sure if I will be working in a lab this year or not. I would like to see how things are done and get to put it on my application next year, but if it really would be totally useless and I would contribute absolutely nothing which would result in a completely negative (and therefore nonexistent) LOR, then is it really the brightest place to spend my time? The aforementioned BioMed prof gave me the names of some people at the med school that he collaborates with and whose research is more clinically based. He thinks that that is where I should devote my time if I decide to go forward with it. It is great to have someone who is completely not threatening who will answer questions so that I don't waste a year of my life. Not that being exposed to something that I have never been exposed to before would be a "waste"...

I have spent the last 6 hours retaking exams to prep myself for my big exam tomorrow. I think studying is over for the night.

Over and out.
Dr Underdog