I can't think of a title.

I am unnaturally tired. I fall asleep like a narcoleptic. I am actually a bit concerned. I know I am having a fibro flare, but the whole exhaustion thing seems to be hitting me a bit harder than usual. Weird.

I finally was able to take my blood sugar during one of those episodes (sort of) that I have had in the past 8 months or so. It wasn't close to the worst one I have had, so I hesitate saying that it was representative of the norm, but it was as close I have gotten. So..my level was an 82 and I had already put away a sandwich, a carton of blackberries, and a few chips in an effort to bring it up. To me, that seemed low...especially after all of that food! Wow! I know that the whole shaking thing wasn't helped by the fact that my consumption of caffeine has been higher than normal in recent days. I am really looking forward to spring break (week after next) so that I can recoup from school. I think the time off will do me good. I mean, REALLY...who wouldn't benefit from a week off? I would like to think that I would be able to rest and that would be about it, but actually I am looking forward to having the extra time to study. My former self would be shocked to see those words come come from my fingertips, but it is true. I really need the extra time to study for a lab practical in Anatomy that I have the week after we return, and a Chem exam the Wednesday that we go back. It will be a good opportunity to get 2 outstanding grades.

We went to go see Patch Adams speak last night. Well, I will write about that another time...

On a totally random note (another one)...there is nothing better than a puppy (no matter how old) to make you forget your stress.

I have not studied nearly enough in the last few days. I have been extremely tired. Yesterday, I was falling asleep at school ever chance I got. It didn't matter if I was sitting in a chair in the hallway or in the front row of my math class. Ugh.I think I looked kinda stoned during Chem lecture at 10:30. My late afternoon class ended early...like 2 HOURS early...so I was able to come home. I was going to make tofu stir fry for dinner when hubby said he wasn't in the mood for tofu and suggested ordering in. I guess that was all it took for my body to start shutting down. I was so tired we literally ate dinner in bed and I fell asleep. I woke up long enough to take some meds and have a bowl of ice cream (oh great...I was really burning those calories) before brushing and going back to sleep for the night. Not one ounce of studying was accomplished. Thankfully, I don't have any exams this week, only quizzes - 3 of them. I attempted to look over some math before class yesterday, but fell asleep in the middle of it. I need desperately to study Anatomy since I haven't gotten any good studying in since the lecture exam. My big academic accomplishment this weekend was the writing of a paper for my First Aid/ CPR class on epiglottitis. Why is it that every fluff class I choose ends up taking up so much time????? I have already written 3 papers for this class and we still have like 5 projects to go. Crazy. Anyway, I have a very high A (my univ doesn't give +/-) so I am not worried.

I have been rather stressed in recent days. I think it is actually personal. So, I really need to ignore it. A younger friend of mine is very used to getting her way and throws a fit when that is not the case. Pouting is her methodology and I am not impressed. Currently, she is not getting what she wants out of me and I am not moved by her moodiness, nonetheless it seems to have some sort of affect on me - more stress than anything. I have always said that school is first priority and I didn't come back to make friends. I adore this girl, but getting through the pouting and complaining spells are exhausting. She is constantly complaining about her roommate and her apartment management. But, what she is complaining about is just normal stuff. I actually tend to feel bad for the roommate. Terrible, I know. I shouldn't be going off on this, so I will close here, but man I have a headache!! LOL.

TTFN.

My computer is running so slowly...I wonder why. Oh well. Classes for the week are over and as soon as I get this online homework done I can take a short breather. A friend of mine is coming over tomorrow to help me make some sense out of this mess I call our home. Don't get me wrong, she is not coming over to clean, but to sort through the literal MOUNDS of clothes that need to go to Goodwill, Salvation Army or in the back of my car to hand out on the street. They just need to get out of this house. She knows how long I have been procrastinating and is in shock every time she encounters another pile. These are not minor piles. For example, the one in our basement is about 5' x 6' and a few feet tall. That is not small, nor is it all of our clothes. It is really a horribly wasteful habit. I wear an estimated 5 -10% of my total clothing. That is terrible. There are many things that I have bought and never worn. I really need to stop this. First of all, it is a total and complete waste of money. Not to mention that someone could be getting good use out this clothing. I live in a city where 80% of the population is at or below the poverty line. That number came as a shock to me when I heard it, but it really shouldn't have. Terrible. Simply terrible. AND..HERE I AM WITH ALL THIS SURPLUS. Ugh. If that doesn't riddle me with guilt. Can you tell that I grew up Catholic? Of course, it doesn't take a traumatic Catholic childhood ;0) to recognize an overt act of social irresponsibility when you see it.

Ok, I can berate myself offline. LOL.

My dream med school (about an hour away) is hosting an open house in a few weeks. I am really looking forward to it. I have come to the conclusion that I will be doing an SMP (Special Masters Program) after my undergraduate post-bacc work is done. Most likely, it will be done in Anatomy which I am really excited about. I can't imagine adding 1-2 more years to the many years of formal education still ahead of me, but I am sure it will be the way that I have to go, so I don't see a purpose in waiting to see if I am denied a spot in my first year of application. Besides, I want to increase my chances of getting into 1. my dream med school or 2. the med school that is 3 miles from our newly purchased home. I would really like to be able to sleep with my husband at night, even if that is the only time I get to spend with him.

Over and out for now.

We all get old...

I just had one of those experiences that makes you realize that life is finite. Strange, perhaps. I was sitting in a favorite comfy chair in the corner of a hallway doing some research for a paper that is due tomorrow. A faculty meeting let out down the hall and, sporadically, professors were returning to their offices. I looked up as a figure passed me only to see a Nobel Prize winning chemist that I have never met walk by. He obviously didn't see me. in my perch tucked in the corner behind a giant, empty nitrogen tank. I was in awe. I had read about this man, truly brilliant in my opinion and I wanted to meet him. As my muscles readied themselves to pick my laptop up and place it on a nearby desk, Dr. Nobel Prize Winner let out a long string of....well....gas. I was caught off guard completely. I mean, we all do it (don't lie) and that was not the point. But this was one of those flatulence attacks known as the "old people's fart." Impressive in its own way. I was so startled that I didn't know whether to giggle or quickly fan away any remnant of the act that hung in the air before his younger colleagues reached our position. I didn't do either. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to meet him. But, by that time, I was afraid that he would realize that I witnessed what he obviously meant for an empty hallway and become embarrassed. So, I didn't. Gee, I hope the opportunity comes along again. Perhaps when he hasn't just come from a University catered lunch meeting.

Cadavers ROCK!

I was nervous going into the week as you might have gathered from the previous post. I actually said that if I didn't make it through the cadavers that I was going to leave school. After all, I have enough uphill battles to win along this journey. But, the cadavers were awesome! The second day, I didn't sit in the back because of fear, but because I could actually see more than those people in the front row due to the upward slope of the room. LOTS and LOTS of people left the class. I loved it. It was calming. I know that sounds amazingly odd. But, it really was. I was comfortable. I will likely never eat meat again, but I was so comfortable. I explored, I played, I took advantage of the opportunity. It was fantastic.

Thanks for the supportive comments y'all. I really appreciate them. I am so grateful for this week.

Breakdown

I don't know that I can do this. I am beyond having serious doubts and am considering what withdrawing will do to my chances of getting into grad school in some other field. I hit the wall last night, but not in the traditional sense. I suddenly became overwhelmed. I was studying what I later found out was an outdated Anatomy chart (how can an anatomical chart be "outdated" if it was done anytime in the latter part of the 20th century?) and I kept naming the deep rotator muscles of the lower limb incorrectly. It wasn't that I kept naming them wrong, but that I couldn't understand WHY! I don't have a problem with stuff typically. Everyone else seemed to have it together. We have our first practical on Thursday. So, I calmly packed up my stuff and left. My friend who was studying with me clued into the fact that something was wrong and asked me if I was ok. I said "yes" and left the room. I was angry, I was scared, I was feeling emotions that I had never felt before. I took off my glasses and crushed them. I presume that she followed me into the hallway as I left the building since she called my husband telling him what had happened and that she had one of my lenses. I broke. For the first time this semester I broke...badly. Today (Tuesday) we are first exposed to the cadavers, maybe I was frightened by that. I know that as I sit here, I am pretty terrified. I am planning to abandon my first row seat to take one in the back for the week. I know, I am a wimp. I should be up there wanting to see everything as closely as possible. But, I am scared. There is no emotional attachment to these people, just sheer fright. Part of me is extremely excited about the opportunity to move toward the goal, to have the chance to see inside the human body. But, the other half of me is petrified - not of what I will see, but how I will react. Will I vomit? Will I faint? (Please God, don't let me faint.) How will those around me react?

I know that these are not thoughts consistent with those of a future doctor and that is why I am reconsidering whether I have what it takes to become one. I have to be very careful though. I know that giving up would throw me into a deep depression without any goal to bring me out of it. Today will tell me a lot. Can I do it? SHOULD I continue? Is this going to be a waste of money for which there will be no return? Why do I want this so badly?

Getting older

Getting older is rough. I know 32 is really nothing in the grand scheme of things, but life isn't the way it used to be. That is good and that is bad. Would I like to have an additional 10 years to accomplish what I have set out to do? Of course. Would I be willing to forfeit what I learned in those 10 years? No. Something happened this week. People started looking at me as an adult. Not an adult student, but an adult. That kind of freaked me out. At the same time they began to show more respect, there was a tone of pity as well. Hum...

Maybe it was the new way I am wearing my make up. Maybe I said fewer childish things this week. I don't know the reason. But, I was settling into feeling like a fish in the undergrad sea and frankly enjoying it. Now, I am a fish out of water to those who look at me.

To anyone who says their 30 year old body works as well as it did at 20 is living in a dream world. There are subtle differences. The aches, the decrease in flexibility... the way you look at things and immediately consider how "responsible" it is or what the long term ramifications will be. When you undertake a task such as this you feel a rush of (whatever) that makes you think you can do everything without regard to time. But, the truth is that I am 10 years behind the others. I will not be able practice as long as they will (perhaps) and I will always be competing using a body that is 10 years their senior. The upside to that is that I will always be competing with a brain that 10 years more mature and experienced.

I don't know what I think about it all. I am not stopping (that is not an option), but I don't know how I feel. Weird.